Something Had to Give (51 page)

What the hell was I doing?

My thoughts were so overwhelming that I felt like I was suffocating sitting in the car with the sun beating down on my windshield. I got out the car not getting much relief from the sun, but the fresh air helped. I stood there pacing back and forth beside my car when it hit me. It was an idea so gruesome and crazy that there was no way I could really do it, but at the same time, it was the only logical thing to do. Before I could talk myself out of it, I grabbed my purse and keys out the car and walked as fast as possible into the gas station. Just minutes later, I walked out the gas station with a gas can, matches, a six pack of beer, and a pack of cigarettes. As I filled up my gas can, I thought back on how Shanna and me had watched
The Burning Bed
when we were younger. It was the only time I had ever really known someone to set someone else on fire. Could I even compare my situation to hers? Her husband had abused her for years. How could I rationalize that Jason, who had never been physically inappropriate with me, deserved the same fate?

With the full gas container on the floor on the passenger side of the car, I sat with my eyes closed for a minute imagining myself dousing Jason with gasoline and then throwing a lit match on him. I thought about the pain he would feel from his flesh melting off. I thought about how horrifying it would be to have such a slow death. Would I stay and watch? At that point I honestly felt like I hated him enough that I could stand there with a beer and cigarette and wait until I was sure that he had taken his last breath. It was startling to me as I thought about the person I had become. This wasn’t supposed to be how Jason and me ended and it certainly wasn’t supposed to be a part of my story. My life was set with a rock solid plan to be happy and successful. I never expected life to throw me so many curveballs. No one could have ever told me that Jason would turn me into such a monster. He sold me a dream; pretended to be this perfect guy; and when I fell for him, he totally ripped the carpet from under my feet. I was past the point of getting sad when I thought about it. I was flat out pissed. He was going to pay and he was going to pay dearly.

Before leaving the gas station, I used the pay phone to call Jason’s job to see if he was at work.

“Thank you for calling H&M, this is Stacy, how may I help you?”

“Ummm…. hi, is Jason working today?”

“Yes, he is. Just a second, I can grab him for you.”

“Oh no, that’s not necessary. Can you just tell me what time he leaves today?”

“I’m sorry, who’s calling?”

I didn’t plan out what I was going to say, nor did I plan on whoever answering the phone getting suspicious of me. I had to think quickly. “This is his girlfriend. I wanted to surprise him after work and wanted to make sure I had everything ready when he got off.” My heart was racing. I had no idea how much this girl knew about Jason. I didn’t want to tip him off in any way that something was going on.

“Oh, is this Charity?”

Charity? That was not the response I could have ever fathomed that I would get. It caught me so off guard, it took me a minute to gather myself and respond. “Yeah it’s Charity.” I responded as I choked back tears.

“Oh, well Jason talks about you all the time! He gets off at 6 today. I’m sure he will be excited to see you.”

“Ok, thanks.” I responded before quickly hanging up.

When I thought it couldn’t get any worse and that there was no other possible way he could hurt me, there was Charity. Who was she and where could he have found her so quickly? Did she know he put me out and abandoned his family? He couldn’t have told her that part about himself because no girl in her right mind would date a guy that did that to the mother of his kids. I wanted to find her and see if she was prettier or skinnier than me. I wanted to warn her that he wasn’t a nice guy. She needed to know that he was a snake and that she needed to get away as soon as possible. I just couldn’t believe that he had moved on and created a new happy life and look at me. As I choked on my lit cigarette, I kept hearing Stacy say, “Jason talks about you all the time.” It wasn’t fair. I was sad, overwhelmed, and brokenhearted and he didn’t care at all. I was so angry that I wanted to drive to his store and pour the gasoline down his throat. It was his luck that I didn’t want to risk the lives of the innocent people who were also in the store. He was able to have a few more hours alive.

I positioned myself on a side street that faced the driveway so that I could see when Jason got home and hopefully he would not see me. I sat in the car chain smoking and drinking beer while staring at the house. It was the same house but somehow looked so different. The best memories of my life were in that house where we once lived as a family, along with memories of the worst days of my life. It was crazy how many life memories were crammed into that 2000 sq. ft. home. As I leaned my seat back, it hit me how exhausted I was. I didn’t want to fall asleep and risk being seen by Jason or anyone that would get suspicious, but I could not keep my eyes open to save my life. I just needed to rest my eyes for a few minutes.

I was jolted out of a deep sleep by the sound of a car door closing. It was so hot in the car, that I felt delirious from thirst and heat. On top of that, I was slightly drunk. It took me a minute to focus and remember where I was and why I was there. It all came back to me when I looked up and saw Jason getting out of his car. Panic took over. How long had I been asleep? If he got in the house before I could get across the street, I knew he wouldn’t open the door for me and I wouldn’t be able to get the gasoline on him. Moments after he pulled in the driveway, another car pulled in behind him and I saw a huge grin spread across his face. It had to be Charity. Seeing how happy he was to see her was all I needed to see. As I grabbed the matches and can of gasoline, I was so mad my hands were shaking. My last thought before getting out of the car was “that is the last smile he will ever have.” I stormed over towards the house so hard that my house shoe came off causing me to stumble. That didn’t slow me down for long and it felt like I was at the end of the driveway with just two steps. As I approached, they were still embraced in a hug, so enthralled with each other that they didn’t see me. Hiding the can of gas behind my back, I decided it was time to break up the party.

“Jason!” I wanted to sound angry and judging by how they jumped, I definitely did. The look on Jason’s face went from shock to disgust very quickly. I didn’t know if it was due to how disheveled I looked from being in pajamas and one house shoe or because I was there in general.

“What are you doing here?” His voice was just as angry. That is not what I wanted. I wanted him to be scared.

“We need to talk.”

“The paperwork I had you served with has my lawyer’s information. Anything you need to say needs to go through her.” He was being smug and arrogant. To make it worse, he then grabbed Charity’s hand and started towards the house.

“NO, WE NEED TO TALK NOW!” I was seeing red at this point and he was still taking me as a joke.

“I should go and let you two talk.” Charity seemed to get it. I was not playing around and she seemed visibly nervous.

“The only person leaving is her.” Jason replied.

“Jason, I’m only going to ask you one more time to take five minutes and talk to me.”

“Get lost Cheryl! Where are the kids, huh? Go home and take care of them. It’s not a good time and we will have plenty of time to talk in court. But since we are all here, why don’t you meet my fiancé Charity.”

That was it. He had gone too far and it was time to show him that I was no longer playing with him. With just a few steps, I was face to face with him, up close in personal. As Charity backed up, he looked at me and grinned like I was some pitiful ex-fling that couldn’t handle him moving on. He had absolutely no respect for me.

“Your fiancé huh?

“That’s right. She will be here to help me raise my daughter.”

“I doubt that asshole!”

Before he could say another word, I turned the gas can upside down and began pouring the gasoline on him. When he realized what was going on, he shoved me causing me to fall on the ground, losing my other house shoe. I kept the box of matches clenched tightly in my hands. I couldn’t lose them. When I looked at him, I saw that he was soaked pretty well with the gasoline and trying to wipe it off his face. He stared at me in bewilderment, but still with a smug smirk on his face. Back on my feet we locked eyes and even when I revealed the matches, he didn’t seem fazed. He was daring me like he didn’t think I had the balls to do it. Without a second thought, I struck the match, and it was only then that he realized the severity of the situation. Jason had a look of sheer terror on his face when he realized what was about to happen. Whether it was shock or disbelief, something didn’t allow him to move or try to get away. I could hear Charity going back and forth between telling Jason to run and pleading with me to stop, but it was too late.

With a simple flick of the match, his whole body went into flames. In an instant, I wanted to take it back. I wanted a rewind button, a second chance, and a do over. The screams coming from him as he flailed his body around was ear piercing. The smell of his flesh burning was so awful that I threw up. It seemed like hours were passing by, but it was only seconds before a scene of chaos erupted. Charity was frantic yelling for help and neighbors from all over the neighborhood were coming outside gasping in horror. On one side of me I saw the neighbor, I knew as Trent running over with his hose and from the other side, a neighbor who’s name I never knew was running over yelling “the police are on the way.” I wanted to explain my side to them so that they knew I wasn’t a jealous ex-girlfriend. They needed to know that he deserved it.

“IT’S NOT MY FAULT. HE MADE ME DO IT. DO YOU HEAR ME? HE MADE ME DO IT.”

I stood there yelling, as the crowd around a now extinguished Jason was growing larger and larger. In the near distance, I could hear ambulance sirens. I had to get out of there. Running back to my car as fast as my bare feet would allow, I could hear someone yelling at me to come back, like I was really going to hang around for the police to get there. As I started up my car, Trent sprinted over and stood behind my car, while the other neighbor stood in front of my car. They were trying to keep me from leaving, which sent me into panicked frenzy.

“If you all know what’s good for you, you would get out of my way.” I was back at the car at this time trying to stand as tall as I could, though I was scared beyond belief.

“You are not going anywhere! You just set a man on fire.” I could hear Trent talking behind me, but I was in a dead lock gaze with the other neighbor. We stared each other down until the approaching sirens snapped me back into reality. I had to get out of there.

“I’m sorry! I tried to warn you.”

Back in the car, as I saw the blue lights approaching, I closed my eyes and slammed my foot into the accelerator jolting the car into the man’s body. It happened so fast that he didn’t have time to react or get out of the way. His body went under my car and as I kept driving, the sound of bones breaking gave me chills, but I couldn’t stop. I kept my foot pressed as hard as possible on the gas and gunned towards the neighborhood exit. I could hear more screams of horror mixed in with police and ambulance sirens. Trent had taken off on foot behind my car yelling and waving his fists. I knew if by some off chance that he would have been able to catch up to my car, I would have had to kill him also before he killed me. In my rear view mirror I could see a crowd gathered around the man’s lifeless body that I had just run over. What bothered me more was the flood of police cars that were now on the scene. It was like a scene from a movie or from the crime shows I watched. What in the world did I just do? I only wanted to get rid of Jason and now I had killed two people. At any moment I expected to have a flood of police cars coming out the neighborhood after me. The thought of being chased by the police terrified me. I held my breath all the way until I was on the highway with no blue lights behind me. By no means did I think I was in the clear. I knew in no time, there was going to be an APB on my car and me. In my head I imagined a scene of being surrounded by police cars and them telling me to come out slowly with my hands up. I wondered after what I had done if they would shoot me. A part of me was thinking that maybe, just maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

I drove trying my best to blend in with the traffic until I got to the nearest rest stop. I parked my car at the end of the parking lot, wanting so badly to have a minute to just stop and breath. I needed to process what had just happened, but there was no time. The rest stop was not that far from the scene of the crime and I had to separate myself from the car. When I got out the car, I looked around and saw woods in one direction and highway in the other. Even though I was sure drivers on the highway wouldn’t know they were passing a murderer, I knew my bare feet, dirty pajamas, and wild hair was enough to raise eyebrows and draw attention to myself. With a deep sigh, I grabbed my purse and headed to the woods. I didn’t get far with random things sticking me in my feet and with every step I was nervous that a bear or some other wild animal would appear and attack me. When I decided I was far enough out of plain view, I slumped down to the ground to try and gather my thoughts. It hit me that I had become one of those idiots from the crime shows that had let their emotions drive them into committing a crime. I had convinced myself that getting rid of Jason was the only way to fix my problems and that it would make me feel better. Now that it was done, I realized how wrong I was. There was no way I could get away with it. I couldn’t spend the rest of my life on the run. What were my other options? Prison? No way. I wouldn’t last a day. Death? That didn’t seem too bad of an option.