Stepbrother Bastard (14 page)

“…
What?
”
I ask faintly.

“
I
mean, I don
’
t give a shit about what our families
think, but I still don
’
t want them all over us,
you know?
”
he
says, running his hands down my arms,
“
Playing
it like we
’
re not cool, taking Sophie out for a
drive, it was all just the scramble the signal. You didn
’
t
think I
’
d
actually lost interest or whatever, did you?
”

“
I
…
No
…”
I lie, badly as ever. I
feel a hot blush rising to my cheeks, which only grows in intensity the longer
Cash
’
s
hazel eyes linger on my face.

“
You
’
re
adorable when you
’
re bullshitting,
”
he grins at me, circling
my slender waist with his inked arms.

“
Shut
up,
”
I mutter, though I can
’
t
keep my face from breaking into a smile.

“
There
it is,
”
he murmurs, pulling me to
him. Instinctively, I lace my arms around his neck. It
’
s
crazy how familiar his body already feels against mine.

“
You
couldn
’
t
have just told me what you were up to?
”
I chide him gently.

“
I
don
’
t
know if you
’
ve figured this out yet,
”
he says, raising an
eyebrow,
“
But the whole
explaining myself
thing isn
’
t really for me.
”

“
You
don
’
t
say,
”
I laugh softly, savoring
the feel of his hard body against mine. As my apprehensions fall away, my body
rises with renewed want of him. I
’
m
keenly aware of the twin bed, standing just paces away from us. What I wouldn
’
t
give to be bent over that thing, with Cash poised over me
—

“
Come
on,
”
he says, cutting off my
steamy train of thought. He takes my hand in his and tugs me toward the door,
“
Let
’
s
go.
”

“
G-go?
”
I splutter, digging my
heels into the hardwood floor,
“
Go where?
”

“
What
’
s
the matter?
”
Cash
grins, looking at me over his broad shoulder,
“
You
scared of a little adventure, Porter?
”

There
it is again: a challenge I can
’
t refuse. I have no idea
what Cash has in store for us, but I can
’
t
very well back down now.

“
Of
course not,
”
I
tell him, playing it cool,
“
Lead the way.
”

We
pad through the enormous, slumbering home, silencing our footfalls as best we
can at this early hour. I
’
m convinced that the
loudest noise on hand is my wrecking ball of a heart, but still we make it out
of the house undetected. Cash leads me out through the kitchen door, onto the
dew-slicked patio. A nearly full moon hangs in the sky over the lake, lighting
our path across the sprawling back lawn down toward the lake. A million stars
careen overhead in a dizzying canopy, and I almost lose my footing trying to
take them all in. Luckily, I have Cash
’
s
hand to steady me.

“
This
place is amazing,
”
I whisper, as we step out onto the
darkened dock.
“
I can
’
t
believe you got to grow up here.
”

“
Yeah,
”
he allows, letting his
gaze follow mine up to the heavens,
“
As
bad as things ever got, at least I always had this.
”

“
Did
things get
…
really bad?
”
I ask tentatively, as
Cash draws me along the planks.

He
doesn
’
t
answer me for a long moment. I can sense that we
’
ve
reached the threshold of what most people know about him. What he ever dares to
confide in another person. I can feel the massive effort it takes for him to
continue, see it in his very bearing.

“
They
did,
”
he finally says, drawing
to a stop before me.
“
I
’
d
feel fucking stupid complaining about it, with what happened to your family
—”

“
Don
’
t,
”
I tell him, resting my
hands on his tapered waist,
“
There are different kinds
of bad. I know that.
”

Cash
draws a deep breath, bracing himself.
“
Well.
We sort of lost our mom, too. Only, not to any freak accident or illness or
whatever. Just
…
because that
’
s
what she decided she wanted. She bailed on us when we were kids. Didn
’
t
dig the whole
‘
cabin in the woods
’
vibe my dad set up.
Wanted more
things
. More money. Joke was on her, though
—
Dad
’
s
business took off right after she hit the road. He built this place, let the
three of us run wild all over it, just us guys
…”

I
hold my tongue as he goes on. Suddenly, the Hawthorne boys
’
aversion to female
company is starting to make sense.

“
She
’
s
living on the East Coast now. Boston. Married some real slick lawyer type and
popped out another couple kids with him. Girls, like she always wanted. They
’
re
teenagers, by now. And hopefully giving her all kinds of hell.
”

“
I
grew up in a family with three girls who were all teenagers at the same time,
”
I remind him,
“
Trust
me, your mom had her hands full.
”

“
Shit,
listen to me
…”
Cash
mutters, laughing roughly,
“
Spilling my guts like
—”

“
I
want to know these things about you, Cash,
”
I assure him, circling
his waist,
“
If you
’
ll
let me listen
…
you can spill your guts all night.
”

“
Fine,
”
he says, with a crooked
grin,
“
But
I
’
m
not doing it on dry land.
”

“
What
…
?
”
I ask, as he tugs me
toward the edge of the dock.

Bobbing
on the water is a long wooden canoe, with benches for two. The boys must have
moved it down to the water with the kayaks this afternoon. And from the look on
Cash
’
s
face, I imagine this is what he had in mind all the while.

My
handsome companion hops down into the sleek vessel, offering up his hand to
help me in. I
’
m far more nervous than I have any
cause to be. Is it the glassy black waters of the lake that has my heart
racing? Or the depth of what Cash is revealing to me about himself? Or simply
the fact of being close to him, out there where no one is bound to stumble upon
us
…

“
You
coming or what?
”
Cash asks me, his bright smile shining in
the blackness of the early morning.

“
You
’
re
damn right I am,
”
I breathe, grabbing hold of his firm,
strong hand and stepping down into the canoe.

Chapter Eight

The
vessel parts the water
’
s surface like silk as we
coast along in the moonlight. Cash
’
s
powerful arms work the oars, propelling us easily toward our destination
—
whatever
that might be. The exertion distracts him, gives him an outlet as he tells me
more about the life that
’
s led him to this moment.

“
Dad
wanted me to go to college more than anything,
”
he says, pulling the
heavy wooden oars along another arc,
“
His
plan was for me to take over the contracting business, as the oldest son and
all. But I could never picture myself wasting four years of my life that way. I
thought, it was easy for him to want that for me
—
he
’
d
never been through it himself. There was no way I was going to do what he
wanted, but I don
’
t think either of us
could have known how far I
’
d blow by the mark
…”

“
By
joining the army instead?
”
I ask gently.

“
Exactly,
”
Cash goes on,
“
It
was the last thing Dad wanted for me. He already felt he
’
d
lost part of his family when Mom left. He thought it was my responsibility to
stay and oversee things. But when I looked at the state of the world, then
…
Everything
that had happened to our country, in the Middle East, far beyond our little
lakeside bubble
…
I knew I couldn
’
t
just plant my feet and stay here. I needed to see what could be done. What
I
could do. Guess I thought I was real hot shit when I was eighteen, imagining I
could go off and save the world.
”

“
Were
you
…
Did
you
…”
I stammer, unsure of how
to proceed.

“
You
want to know about my time in the Army?
”
Cash asks,
“
There
’
s
not a whole lot to tell, to be honest.
”

“
Somehow,
I find that hard to believe,
”
I reply.

He
gives a wry laugh.
“
I just mean, I wasn
’
t
there for long. Truth be told, I
’
d
barely seen combat when I was discharged.
”

“
Were
you injured?
”

“
That
I was,
”
he says, his eyes
hardening,
“
But not like you might imagine.
”

“
You
don
’
t
have to tell me,
”
I say softly, resting a hand on Cash
’
s
knee,
“
But
you can. If you like
…”

For
the first time since setting out, he brings his muscled arms to a stop. The
constant, lulling sound of the oar stokes dies away as we coast along the clear
lake in silence. In this moment, it feels like we
’
re
the only two people in the world, that nothing this remarkable has ever happened
to anyone before. I take in the sight of Cash, his profile cutting a sharp line
against the backdrop of the lake, and know that I
’
ll
remember this moment for as long as I live, whatever becomes of us now.

“
I
was injured,
”
he
says slowly, his eyes cast off across the lake,
“
But
not in combat with the enemy. In a fight that broke out in our quarters. A
fight I started to
…
because I
…”

He
speaks through gritted teeth, fighting for every word he manages to spit out. I
get the feeling he
’
s never talked to anyone
about this
—
at least not in a very long time.

“
What
was the fight about, Cash?
”
I ask quietly, my near-whisper carrying
out across the still lake.

Cash
draws a deep breath into his lungs and levels those intense hazel eyes on me.

“
There
was this guy in my unit. An asshole jock type named Rick. He was one of those
guys who ruled his hometown, a real golden boy prick. Thought he was entitled
to anything he wanted
‘
cause no one had been
able to take him down before.

“
Rick
and I were stationed in Iraq together. Us and a handful of other young new
recruits. There was one guy in particular who seemed younger than all the rest
of us
—
Drew.
Really quiet, great with computers, played the guitar. He reminded me a lot of
Finn
…
This
was back when Finn was still fourteen, before he shot up like a damn weed.

“
Anyway,
we all got our asses handed to us the first couple months in Iraq. Training is
one thing, but nothing can prepare you for being over there. You
’
re
always on guard. One false move and you
’
re
done. And it
’
s not just the stress of constant
danger, it
’
s fucking
lonely
. Not to
mention that with a bunch of young guys spending every waking moment together,
there
’
s
gonna be some fucked up power plays and shit going on. Rick was the worst with
that. Always trying to one-up the rest of us, prove that he was invincible
…”

“
Is
that how your fight started?
”
I ask Cash,
“
Some
sort of power struggle with this guy?
”

“
I
wish that was it,
”
Cash says, shaking his head. For the first
time since I
’
ve known him, I hear sadness color
his voice. Regret.

“
Then
…
what?
”
I press.

“
I
told you that Rick was a guy who went after whatever he wanted,
”
Cash says, tearing his
eyes away from mine.
“
I could look the other
way as long as what he wanted was the best bunk, or the most high-profile
mission, or even first dibs on grub. But a couple months into our tour
…
he
decided that what he wanted was a little human
contact
. And since our
base wasn
’
t exactly crawling with ladies
…
he
decided he wanted it from the one person on hand who couldn
’
t
fight back. He decided to go after Drew.
”

My
stomach turns over as I come to understand Cash
’
s
meaning.

“
Holy
shit,
”
I whisper, feeling the
color drain from my face.

“
Yeah,
holy shit,
”
Cash
growls, remembering.
“
People are only just
starting to realize how many women get assaulted while serving. But the men? It
happens to more of them than you
’
d
ever believe, and they
’
re even less likely to
talk about it. I had no idea going into the Army that this kind of thing could
happen. I was so fucking naive. It happens all the goddamn time. It happened
…
on
my watch.

“
I
picked up on Rick
’
s motives early on, the
way he
’
d
tear Drew down around the rest of us, try and make him feel powerless. I
started keeping an eye on Drew on the sly
—
we
were nearly the same age, but he still felt like a kid brother to me. I had to
let him out of my sight for a few hours one night while I was on patrol, but
the second I got back I knew something was up. Rick and Drew were nowhere to be
seen, and the rest of the guys were barely speaking. Everyone knew what was
going on, but no one was going to stop it. Maybe they thought
—
hey,
better him than me.

“
I
found the two of them in one of the deserted bunks. Rick had Drew cornered,
pinned up against the wall, and
…
I don
’
t
want to upset you with a play-by-play. I
’
ll
never forget that moment. It wasn
’
t
just feeling terrible for Drew, it was knowing that we
’
d
all failed to protect him
—
I
’
d
failed.
”

“
It
sounds like you were the only one who
didn
’
t
fail him, Cash,
”
I say, tears pricking my eyes at the
thought of Drew. Of all the other guys who suffer this same torment in silence.
“
And
it shouldn
’
t have fallen to you, to save him.
”

“
But
it did. I completely blacked out,
”
Cash goes on,
“
The
next thing I remember, I
’
m pounding the shit out
of Rick while the rest of the guys try to pull me off. I did a fucking number
on him, but I didn
’
t come out totally
unscathed. Couple broken ribs. Fucker even pulled his knife on me
—
he
’
d
already been using it to keep Drew quiet
…
Long
story short, we were both discharged.
Dishonorably
discharged.
”

“
But
…
but
that
’
s
such bullshit,
”
I
seethe,
“
You
deserve a medal for what you did, not
—”

“
I
don
’
t,
is the thing,
”
Cash
cuts me off,
“
What I did for Drew was basic human
decency. That
’
s it.
”

“
You
don
’
t
have to downplay it,
”
I tell him, studying his stony face, his
pained eyes.

“
To
tell you the truth, Maddie
…”
Cash goes on, reaching for my hand,
“
That
’
s
all I
’
ve
ever been able to do. When I got kicked out of the Army, all I told people was
that I
’
d
gotten in a fight. I couldn
’
t tell them about why the
fight had really started
—
Drew had already been
through enough without my using the worst moment of his life to get people off
my case.
”

“
You
mean
…
no
one
knows the truth?
”
I ask, astounded.

“
No
one but you,
”
he
says, rubbing his thumb against my hand.
“
And
a couple of Army shrinks, but
—”

“
Not
your brothers?
”
I
press,
“
Not
even your dad?
”

“
No,
”
he murmurs, closing his
fingers tightly around mine,
“
Especially
not my dad. If I
’
d told him why I
’
d
gotten in that fight, he would have just told me that I should
’
ve
minded my own business. Kept in line. He
’
d
never understand. He
’
s never understood
anything about protecting your own. But you, Porter
…
Something
tells me that you
’
re the only person who
could ever understand this. About me.
”