Stepbrother Bastard (18 page)

My
sisters and I stare blankly at our mother, unmoving.

“
You
mean like, for another couple of weeks
…
?
”
I ask, my voice hollow.

“
And
another, and another,
”
Mom grins happily, sinking back in her
chair.

“
Mom,
just cut to the chase, OK?
”
Sophie says heatedly,
“
Exactly
how long are you going to stay here playing house with John?
”

“
Watch
your tone,
”
Mom
scolds her, taken aback by her reaction,
“
But
since you ask, I
’
m planning on staying
indefinitely.
”

That
word,
indefinitely
, echoes across the wide
front lawn as my sisters and I try to comprehend it.

“
But
…
You
don
’
t
live here,
”
Anna
says, eyes wide,
“
You live in Vermont. In
our house. The house we
’
ve always lived in.
”

“
Yes,
dear,
”
Mom says, her voice
hardening,
“
I
know
. I have been living in
that house much longer than any of you. And since you
’
re
planning to move out to go
‘
find yourself
’
,
Anna, I
’
d
soon be living there all alone. Or I would have been, if John hadn
’
t
offered
—”

“
Are
you
…
Selling our house?
”
I ask softly, knowing
that I sound for the world like a wounded child.

“
I
am planning to sell the house, yes,
”
Mom says coolly.

“
But
that
’
s
—
you
can
’
t
—
were
you even going to talk to us about it?!
”
Sophie cries.

“
That
’
s
what I
’
m
doing now,
”
Mom
explains.
“
Not that I need your permission, but
I
’
m
taking my time weighing the decision to
—”

“
Really?
Because it seems to me like you
’
ve already made your
choice,
”
Sophie shoots back,
“
We
love that house, Mom. Our whole childhoods, our entire lives with Dad were
there. That place is all we have left of him. We can
’
t
lose
—”

“
Don
’
t
tell
me
about loss,
”
Mom snaps suddenly, her voice high and
shrill. I feel my body go utterly still. I know this change that comes over her
too well. One minute it
’
s sunshine and happiness,
the next it
’
s resentment and rage. She goes on,
uninterested in pulling any punches now.
“
I
know all about
loss
, thank you. Your father was the love of my life,
from the time I was just a girl. You
’
ll
never be able to feel the loss of him the way I have.
”

“
Christ,
Mom
…”
I breathe, staring at her
aghast,
“
Are
you seriously making our grief into a pissing contest right now?
”

“
Of
course not,
”
she
snaps, swigging her wine,
“
Because it
’
s
no contest whatsoever. Your father is a part of your past. You can all move on
and lead long, happy lives now. But he was my future. My entire future. I
’
ve
lost more than you can possibly imagine, losing him.
”

Her
words hit me like a punch to the gut, and I have to steady myself against the
armrest to keep from falling over
—
or
else throwing myself at her. Sophie and Anna are rooted in their seats, looking
appalled, disappointed, but most of all hurt. That does it for me. No one gets
to hurt my little sisters, even if that someone happens to be our mother. I
draw myself up and fix my eyes on her, finally putting voice to the words I
’
ve
wanted to throw at her for so long.

“
What
would you even know about what we
’
ve
all been going through since Dad died?
”
I ask her, the evenness
of my voice surprising even me.
“
In
the past three years, you haven
’
t bothered to check in
with any of us about how we were doing. Not once. You don
’
t
know the first thing about how his death has changed our lives.
”

“
Please,
”
Mom scoffs,
“
I
think I know my own daughters
—”

“
Did
you know I
’
ve been seriously depressed for the
last three years?
”
I cut her off, my hands balling into
fists,
“
Did
you know that I barely made it through the first semester back at school after
he died? That I almost dropped out just before graduating? I talked about being
a literature professor like him, for my entire life. Did you ever wonder why I
suddenly changed my mind and punted to marketing? It
’
s
because reading the books he loved, following in his footsteps, was too painful
for me once he was gone. His death has changed my entire life. My entire
future. Not a day goes by that I don
’
t
think of him. And all that's to say nothing of your other two daughters.
”

Mom
’
s
mouth straightens into a hard line as she glances at Sophie and Anna.
“
Is
this how you girls feel as well?
”
she asks crisply,
“
That
I
’
ve
been
‘
negligent
to your needs
’
since
Archie passed away? Hmm?
”

“
I
don
’
t
know if you can say
‘
negligent
’…”
Anna replies, fixing Mom
with a cool stare,
“
Since you never
considered our needs in the first place. I
’
d
say indifferent, if anything.
”

“
That
’
s
ridiculous!
”
Mom
cries.

“
Why
bother asking if you
’
re just going to shoot us
down?
”
Anna snaps back.
“
The
truth is, Mom, that
we
’
ve
been taking care of
you
since Dad died.
”

“
Especially
Anna,
”
Sophie jumps in,
“
I
got to run off to drama school and deal with shit on my own, but she was left
to pick up the pieces while you collapsed. We know that Dad
’
s
passing was hard on you. Of course it was. But how can you say that we didn
’
t
feel it too? How can you know so little about your own kids and not even care?
”

“
Well,
”
Mom says, setting her
wine glass down on the porch and standing to go,
“
If
this is the way you feel, then I
’
d
think you
’
d be happy to be rid of me. I
’
ll
stay here with John, and take myself off your hands for good.
”

“
For
good? Mom, be serious,
”
Sophie cries, exasperated,
“
You
’
ve
had plenty of flings since dad died. How is this one any different? You
’
re
putting our family, our home, everything at stake for him. Please, just take a
second to consider
—”

“
You
’
ve
given me plenty to consider tonight,
”
Mom cuts her off.
“
I
’
ve
apparently failed you as a mother, isn
’
t
that right? You
’
d be better off without
me?
”

“
That
’
s
not what we
’
re saying at all, Mom,
”
I tell her, a hard knot
finally beginning to form in my throat,
“
What
I
’
ve
wanted more than anything else since dad died was my mother. I
’
ve
always wanted you to be a part of my life. Please don
’
t
make that impossible.
”

“
I
see,
”
Mom replies, looking
around at all of us disdainfully,
“
Well,
girls. Thank you for making this decision so easy for me. Since I
’
m
apparently incapable of being a good mother to you, I
’
ll
just go ahead and bow out. Seeing as I
’
m
impossible
. Anna, you
’
re more than welcome to
stay at the Vermont house until it
’
s
sold. Though I suggest finding other accommodations quickly. I
’
m
sure that property will get snatched up quick.
”
  

And
just like that, she turns on her heel and marches away from us. Turning her
back just like she
’
s done a thousand times
before. I can feel my heart straining at the fault lines where it
’
s
already been broken
—
by Dad
’
s
death, the dissolution of our family, the distance that
’
s
built up between me and my beloved sisters. Even though our mother
’
s
alive and well, I feel like I
’
m about to lose her now,
too. Although judging by the ease with which she walks away from us now, maybe
that already happened a long time ago.

“
I
just
…
I can
’
t
believe her,
”
Sophie
says, silent tears streaming down her cheeks.

“
I
can,
”
Anna replies flatly, taking
a big sip of wine,
“
As far as I
’
m
concerned, this is pretty in-character for good ol
’
Robin.
”

“
Do
you think she
’
ll really stay here with John?
”
I ask them, heart
rattling in my chest.
“
Maybe she
’
s
just bluffing.
”

“
Now
she
’
ll
stay, just to spite us,
”
Sophie scoffs through her tears.
“
Where
do you think you got your competitive streak from, Maddie? We
’
ve
dared
to challenge her. Now we
’
re
the ones who are going to pay.
”

I
lean heavily against the chair, feeling panic growing in the pit of my stomach.
Against my own good sense, I
’
d let some little part of
myself start to believe that this trip didn
’
t
need to be the end of me and Cash. If our parents were simply going to part
ways after this, maybe there could have been some future for us. Stranger things
have happened, right? But so long as Mom and John
’
s
relationship is moving forward, harboring fantasies about a future with Cash is
just asking for heartbreak down the line.