Succumbing To His Fear (12 page)

Alfie

I spent the night at Hayley’s at her and the guys’ request. After a quick trip home to get what I needed for the kids and me, we all spent the rest of the night going over everything we needed to do and how to best prepare. Mr. Curtis, who I’d found out was Fear’s lawyer, told us Fear had been officially charged and that there was nothing we could do but wait to see if he would be allowed bail. That didn’t stop us trying to go through and analyze every bit of information we could get our hands on. Each time my phone rang, I was expecting it to be someone asking me to come to the police station to be questioned about where I was the night Fear’s mother was killed, but no one called. I was freaking out so much, that at one point I even phoned them to ask if I needed to come in, but they just kept telling me that the detective in charge of the case would be in touch.

It was the next morning and my mother would be arriving soon. The little boy in me was counting down the minutes, but the adult in me was dreading it. Griffin and Lily were having a blast with the guys and Hayley. Lily had appointed herself Hayley’s little helper with all things to do with JJ and Griffin was loving having a coloring lesson from an honest to god, real life “skin painter.”

Every single one of us was on edge and I was pretty sure that if we didn’t have to reign it in for the Nuggets, we would all be in a big pile of trouble.

“Alfie you gotta eat something, honey.” Hayley’s voice from beside me pulled me out of yet another one of my zone-outs. I could tell that everyone was looking at me like I was going to explode any second. It was amazing how strong Hayley was. When I’d asked her the night before how she was doing, she told me, “It won’t help Fear to know that we’re falling apart. He needs us to stick together and be strong. There is nothing this family can’t get through if we just all stick together.” I knew what she said was true. Fear would lose it if he thought Hayley was breaking. We needed this to be as easy as possible for him.

“You doing okay?” she asked with a worried expression. Evidently, I was not maintaining the hold I had on my shit as well as I thought. I wasn’t a weak man by any means, but I was reaching my limit. Dad dying, getting custody of the kids, moving to a new country, my confusing sexuality, being so consumed by someone that his wellbeing was directly tied to my own, and then Fear being charged with Tula’s murder—I was about ready to pop.

“Alfie, honey. Maybe you should get yourself some sleep. I don’t think you slept at all last night.” Shaking my head at her comment and taking a few deep breaths, I looked at Hayley and plastered what I was sure looked like a warped smile on my face.

“I’m good, promise. Just thinking. Is there anything I can do for you? Do you fancy a cup of tea? No, wait, I mean coffee.” Cupping my cheek, she nodded at me.

“That sounds great.”

Jumping up, happy that I now had something that I could actually focus on, I head to kitchen to make a pot of coffee. I really was exhausted. Coffee would be good for more than just Hayley.

Her house wasn’t big, but the layout was open. She had large living and dining rooms, with a small kitchen at the back of the house. It had quickly become my favorite room. The colors were bright and fresh and I couldn’t help but feel my mood lighten in there. A large window faced a compact, well-kept yard with a garden displaying all kinds of flowers. She even had a little deck with a couple of chairs where I’d spent most of the night just looking up at the sky.

I was in the kitchen when I heard my mum’s voice. Closing my eyes, I gripped the countertop so hard that my knuckles were bone white. I wasn’t sure if it was to stop myself from falling or running to her, grabbing her, and never letting go. Either way, I was rooted to the spot.

The next thing I knew I was in Mum’s arms and she was holding me so tight. I did the one thing that I’d kept myself from doing up until that point; I broke down. I knew my mum would catch me.

“I’m here, honey.” Were the only words spoken.

After introductions were made, we all sat in the living room for a while getting to know each other. Everyone was there. The guys were all perched on the edges of their seats. Hayley was cradling JJ in her arms on the sofa next to me. Lily and Griffin were coloring quietly in the corner with some new coloring books, and Mum and Ben were next to each other on the love seat directly across from Hayley and me.

“I feel so useless. I mean, we’re just sitting here doing nothing,” said Tate, breaking the silence. “There has to be something we can be doing.” He finished speaking and looked at each of us. His sorrow and desperation were obvious from his expression. He was just saying what we were all thinking. We felt so helpless.

Mum had spoken to Fear’s lawyer again and was told that until he was called for the bail hearing there was nothing any of us could do. We weren’t allowed to see him or talk to him. We all just had to wait.

“Tell me again from the beginning.” This came from Ben. My stepfather, ever the practical man. I was so glad that he was there. Ben was in private security back in England. After getting out of the British Armed Forces, he’d started a company that provided security needed by a number of high profile clients. He never fully explained what type of duties that consisted of, but if there was someone who you wanted on your side in a crisis, it was Ben.

“Fear was arrested for killing Tula,” I started to explain.

“No, I mean from the very beginning. Tate, you said that Tula turned up out of the blue the other day?” he queried.

“Yeah, she showed up at the shop. Shouting and causing drama.”

“Is that usual? I mean for her to come around like that? Or to come to the shop?”

“She called me the day before she showed up at Living Art. She wanted money. Said she was scared and had gotten herself in some trouble again. I told her that I didn’t have any money. I was always the soft touch. She came to me first every time,” Hayley added. It was easy to see that she was getting choked up. She worried it was her fault her mom was dead, and felt that if she’d just helped Tula when she asked, no one would be dealing with what was happening  now.

We, on the other hand, all felt that things could have turned out a lot worse if Hayley had let Tula become involved in her life.

“She always caused problems, but she would never just show up at the shop. She knew that would not end well for her. Fear hated how she would call Hayley, playing the victim,” James inputted.

“So Tula came to Fear and claimed she needed money?” Ben questioned. I could actually hear his mind working overtime, trying to go through each bit of information and examine it from every angle. 

“Something about her man beating her and she needed to get out of town. But that was all lies,” Carter supplied.

“What makes you say that?”

“Fear called Mike then and there. From what I could work out, Mike had put her out for getting involved with Shutter. He’s a local drug dealer and gangster of sorts. Mike said that Tula had stolen from him or something and Mike not only didn’t like getting cheated on, but really didn’t like being put in Shutter’s path,” Carter explained.

“Shutter? You think that he could do that to Tula?” Ben asked.

“Without a doubt. Shutter is a psycho,” Tate added, shaking his head. “I don’t get it. If Shutter did this, why is Fear even in the picture? It’s not like there are a ton of people who could be mistaken for Fear. I mean, if you saw a guy who looked like Fear in this area, ten out of ten times it
is
Fear. No way in hell someone could confuse him with someone else. We all know that he was nowhere near where they say he was.”

“Didn’t that lawyer say that one of the reasons Fear was a suspect was because he’d been seen fighting with Tula outside the shop? There wasn’t anyone out there. It was late, and unless it was one of the customers, which I highly doubt, there was no one around to report it,” James said, becoming animated.

“Even if there was someone there, the only one who was acting crazy was Tula. Fear wasn’t even standing close to her,” Tate added.

The more we were all talking, throwing out questions and theories, the more confused we all grew. Nothing made sense. The only thing we were sure of was that Fear was being set up.

With Mum taking care of the kids, I allowed myself a chance to slip a little. Because even though I’d had my little breakdown earlier, I could feel that I was about ready to crack. I was managing my anxiety as well as I could, but I could feel it coming, and I knew it wasn’t going to be pretty. Mum and Ben kept giving me sideways looks as if they knew it, too. It turned out they didn’t have to wait very long at all.

I was sitting in the living room with everyone and could hear the voices and chatter, but everything started to fade until it sounded muffled and distant. My breathing started to increase in speed but my throat was closing up. It was Ben who noticed it first and was kneeling in front of me in seconds.

“Hold on, buddy. Where are your meds? Sheri hun… Can you grab Alfie’s meds?” Ben called out while positioning me flat on the floor.

“Is he alright?” Hayley asked.

“He’ll be fine,” Mum assured her, hurrying into the room and quickly putting a tablet under my tongue. I was so embarrassed. When I had a panic attack, my body shook so severely that it could almost look like I was having a seizure. My eyes leaked tears and my face turned bright red because I was struggling for breath. Not a good look. Not a look I wanted any of them to see.

It took a while, but I was finally able to breathe normally. I was so mortified that I couldn’t look at anyone. The fact that everyone was silent and I felt their stares made me all the more conscious of the fact that they’d witnessed me at my weakest.

My phone ringing was a blessed relief. Ben was the first to reach it, and from what we heard of the one-sided conversation, it wasn’t good news. I didn’t find out what was said though, because as soon as Ben hung up the phone, he, Tate, and James left, saying they’d be back soon. With the whirl of emotions I was trying to control, I didn’t push too hard to find out where they were going. 

I spent some time with the Nuggets, trying to explain what had just happened. They were so scared that I was going to leave them and seeing me on the floor unable to breathe left them shaken. I needed to make sure they understood that even though I was sick sometimes, I was okay and I wasn’t going anywhere without them. I was so glad Mum was there to offer them cuddles and reassurance.

I made my escape to Hayley’s spare room as quickly as I could. I didn’t want to be around anyone, and with Mum taking care of Griffin and Lily, I was able to hide without feeling guilty. My head was so full. Fear, the new development of my love life, being a parent to two amazing, but emotionally fragile children, being away from familiarity. I missed my best friend Eddie, and no matter how crazy she sometimes drove me, I missed being able to see Mum whenever I wanted to. Okay, so yes, I was sounding like a whiney little girl, and yes, that just added to the humiliation. Try as I might, I couldn’t help but see myself falling, and with Fear not around, there was no one to catch me.