Surviving Michael (13 page)

‘That play once that we went to?’

‘I never went to any play,’ he calls back.

‘You did,’ she says. ‘You won two tickets for it in a raffle in your job and you couldn’t get anyone to go with you.’

‘Anyway, Aunty Maureen,’ Charlie interrupts, ‘sure, we’d better be going.’

‘What are you talking about?’ me da calls back.

‘The play.’

‘What bleedin’ play?’

‘Ma, we have to head off,’ I says.

‘A few years back,’ she screams back into him, and then turns to Charlie. ‘I’m not surprised he doesn’t remember. Sure he fell asleep halfway through. Snored his head off for nearly an hour and a half. Mortified, I was.’

‘I never went to any play,’ me da screams.

I grab Charlie by the arm and lift him up.

‘See you later, Ma,’ I says and march Charlie towards the door.

‘All the best Aunty Maureen. Bye now Uncle Pat.’

‘You’re makin’ a liar of me,’ me ma says into me da.

I slam the door shut and can see Danny and Nick in the car waitin’ for us.

‘I told you to be ready,’ Charlie says to me.

‘I was ready. I didn’t know you were going to have a little chat with me ma.’

We walk over to the car. ‘It wasn’t me who... the fucking state of that shirt. Did you not iron it?’

‘No,’ I says. ‘Why do I need to iron it? It’s brand new.’

‘Look at the creases in it.’

‘I don’t think we even have a fuckin’ iron.’

If it wasn’t still so warm, I would’ve worn me jacket. Nick is sittin’ in the front. Danny looks like he’s got two years older. We’re all wearin’ different clothes except him. I don’t know the details but it’s obvious that Ruby’s dumped him. As if everyone didn’t see that one comin’. I’ve been sayin’ it for ages. She was out of his league from the word go. God, as if he wasn’t a bit of a depressin’ bollocks before this.

We head out to the Odeon. All the windows are down. Danny’s not playin’ any music, but it’s kind of alright to listen to the traffic and the wind. I’m happy to get a bit of fresh air. Me belly feels a bit off but it’s not hunger. I think it’s nervousness. I haven’t felt that for years.

I used to deliver post to this clothes shop in the village. This girl that worked there was always real friendly to me. I thought she liked me but I could never get up the nerve to say any more than a few words to her. She had short blonde hair, was real pretty and always smelt lovely. On Tuesdays and Thursdays she didn’t start till ten, so I used to hang on to the post and wait until she got into work and then give it to them.

After about six months, I still didn’t have the nerve to ask her out, so I wrote her a letter and put me telephone number on it. The next day, her boss called and told me not to be harassin’ her staff. I was mortified. I started going straight to their shop first after that, before they arrived for work, and puttin’ the post in the letter box. Then I was transferred to the DMC.

I never asked a girl out after that. And now tonight I’ve to ask loads of them. How many will I have to? Ten? A hundred? Jesus. I’ve changed me mind. I wish I was back in me room, downloadin’ me movies and eatin’ a Chinese. How the fuck did I let them talk me into this? I’ll tell them I feel sick. I do feel sick. Or I could do a runner. If I just ask a couple of girls maybe that’ll be enough. I wish I hadn’t shaved me beard off. It might have cushioned the punches later on. Bollocks.

A MOON, so bright that it scorches the tips of the grey clouds, shines down on the over-perfumed and under-dressed crowd that clings to the outside wall of the nightclub like multi-coloured ivy. We pass the bouncers trying, as always, not to make eye contact. Their broad menacing stances, not dissimilar in stature to your average vending machine, although more often than not lacking its numerical and alphabetical capabilities. We fight our way through the arteries of pulsating bodies to a small balcony overlooking the heart of the club. Above the dance floor, a huge disco ball hangs, spraying out laser like streams of purple, blue and gold onto the shuffling arm swaying mass below.

Charlie goes to the bar and comes back with four drinks. By the time I’ve taken a sip from my pint and then found a table to rest it on, Liam has downed his vodka and Red Bull in one go. He does look good though. Charlie has done a job on him that would make Oprah weep.

‘I need another one,’ he says, and heads over to the bar.

‘We’d better keep an eye on him,’ I tell the others.

The crowd is a bit younger than I’d hoped for. Whatever chances I would have given him in a crowd our own age, it’s considerably less now. At least we won’t be bumping into anyone we know. I hate meeting old school friends or people who I haven’t seen in twenty years. We’re both reminders to each other of that failed and awkward little person we once were and of how little we’ve changed.

I haven’t been with many girls since Aoife. Charlie has set me up a few times but it’s nearly always a disaster. I’ve just no interest in that side of things. I had a one night stand with a girl from Galway, but the next day I just felt worse.

‘Will we mingle a bit?’ Charlie asks, smiling.

‘No, we won’t fucking mingle,’ I shout at him. ‘I know it goes against all your instincts, Charlie, but let’s try and stick together tonight. We’re here for Liam.’

‘What’s the fuck’s that supposed to mean?’ he asks.

‘I’m just saying, let’s stick together for once, rather than you going off and making sure you get laid.’

‘It’s not my fault I’m the only one who can score.’

‘I score plenty,’ I tell him.

‘Yeah, when you’re with me, and you get the friend of the one I’m with.’

‘What?’

‘Doesn’t matter.’

‘Are you saying,’ I ask him, ‘that I get the dredges of whatever you don’t want?’

‘Well?’

‘Well what?’

‘Well, don’t ye?’

‘I don’t fucking believe I’m hearing this,’ I say.

‘Lads, for God’s sake,’ Danny butts in.

‘Look,’ Charlie says to me, ‘that’s not what I meant. I’m sorry.’

‘Ask me bollocks, Byrne,’ I tell him.

With that, Liam comes back with what looks like a double vodka. He’s too wrapped up in his own nervousness to notice the change of mood in our group. We sip on our drinks in silence. The music bounces off the walls around us.

‘Are we going to do this or not?’ Danny finally asks.

‘What do you mean “we”?’ Liam says.

‘Wait a minute,’ Charlie says, making eye contact with me. ‘How do we know he’s going to say what we told him to?’

‘What the fuck else am I going to say?’ Liam almost laughs.

I still have a lump of anger in me, but it’ll have to wait for another time. ‘He has a point,’ I agree. ‘One of us will have to stand near him so we can hear him.’

‘I’ll do it,’ Charlie says quickly.

‘No, I should do it,’ Danny protests, ‘it was my idea to do it.’

‘We’ll all take turns,’ I tell them. They’re happy about this and Charlie even rubs his hands in anticipation.

‘Okay, but I’m going first,’ Danny says.

‘I’m second,’ Charlie shouts out, raising his arm into the air like a child in a classroom.

Liam begins to take deep breaths, and I see a couple of lines of sweat run slowly down both sides of his face.

‘I feel sick,’ he mumbles.

‘Where’s your usual aplomb, Liam?’ Danny asks.

‘A plum?’ Liam asks, ‘what the fuck are you talking about?’

I take the glass out of Liam’s hand. ‘Give me that and listen to me. Let’s get this over with. The longer you take, the worse it’s going to get.’

He takes another long look around him. Charlie, and even Danny, are starting to get a little eager, smiling at each other in anticipation. I look around the club, and spot a dark, curly haired girl sitting at a table on her own not too far from us.

‘Start over there,’ I tell him as I point at her. He looks over at her and then his head drops down like a cord has been cut above him.

‘I can’t do it,’ he says to the ground, and shakes his head.

‘Ah, Jesus,’ I say.

‘I’m sorry,’ he almost cries. ‘I just can’t do it.’

Charlie steps forward and shouts at him, ‘you are doing it. Cop on to yourself for fuck sake.’

‘I can’t, I can’t.’ He’s almost in tears now. Charlie, Danny and I look at each other. We’re all a little shocked to be honest. Here’s someone who’s watched women shagging more times than the three of us put together, and he won’t even walk up to a girl and say hi. We look at him, half sobbing to himself for a while.

Eventually Danny steps up. ‘Christ Almighty, Liam. Just start for fuck’s sake. Once you get going it’ll be easier. The first one is half the battle.’

Liam raises his head and turns to look at the girl. It finally looks like Danny’s self-help books are starting to pay off. Liam makes the slightest baby step to the right. Then another. We all hold our breaths as if a winning goal is almost a certainty.

And then, like a truly dedicated loser, he gives up. His size and bulk appear even larger and heavier than they normally do. As if the whole building could fall down around him and he’d be the only thing standing alone in the rubble. His head bends down. His shoulders stoop. I lie to myself and say he’s not weeping.

I’ve never seen anything so abysmally pathetic before. I want to smack him right now, right here and just go home.

IT’S FUNNY THAT while Liam is using all the willpower he can muster to walk up to a girl and convince them to sleep with him, I’m using all my willpower not to. Being able to walk into any nightclub or pub or any room for that matter, and knowing you can sleep with any girl in there, whether she has a boyfriend or even a husband, well, there’s a certain power in that. Like a kind of superpower, I guess.

‘I can’t do it,’ Liam whines.

What a fucking joke. Two girls are staring over at him. I don’t feel angry with him. I’m simply embarrassed. Mortified if anyone should see us. Well not him, me. I can’t imagine it’ll take much longer before those goon-bouncers come over. If I had known Liam had such a problem with talking to girls, I could have helped him out a bit. He only had to ask. I see Nick take a step towards him. His fist is clenched. That’s not going help matters. I’ll try to convince Liam first before it’s all over. I reach out and put my hand on Nick’s arm. He spins his head around and looks at me, and for more than a second I think he’s going to hit me instead. His eyes are full of anger, and it takes a couple of moments of us staring at each other before the intensity in his eyes simmers somewhat. I take my hand off Nick, and grab a hold of Liam’s new but unironed shirt.

‘Come on,’ I shout at him, and drag him after me. He comes along willingly as I push my way through the crowd, holding his arm with one hand as if towing an over-sized lorry behind me. Danny and Nick follow. I shove open the door of the toilets. There’s a toilet attendant handing some guy a paper towel as we come in, and they both take a step back. Grabbing Liam, I slam him up against the wall, harder than I had intended. The guy drying his hands runs out, and the attendant gathers up his coins but stays. Danny and Nick stand either side of me.

I turn my head back to both of them. ‘So, who wants to go first?’ I ask.

Liam looks up, realising I hadn’t brought him in for a pep talk.

‘I do,’ Nick says.

‘Wait a minute,’ Liam says.

I ignore him. ‘Okay, Nick,’ I say, ‘Liam raise your head so that Nick doesn’t break your nose. Trust me, that’s pain you just don’t want.’

I step to the side to allow Nick to stand in front of him.

‘Take it easy, lads,’ the toilet attendant calls over.

Danny turns around to him. ‘Stay out of this and shut the fuck up.’

Nick and I look at Danny and then at each other.

Liam has raised his hands to his face and has started sobbing.

‘Alright, then,’ he mumbles from behind his hands, ‘I’ll do it. I’ll do it.’

Danny grabs him and pushes him hard against the wall again. I’ve never seen him so wound up. ‘Are you going to do it this time?’ he yells at him.

‘Yes, I’ll do it. I’ll do it.’

A few more guys have come in and are staring at us, not sure whether to go back out or stay for the craic.

‘Do you remember what you have to say?’ Danny continues.

‘Yes, yes,’ Liam whimpers.

‘Say it then,’

Liam takes his hands down from his face and wipes his eyes.

‘Say it,’ Danny shouts at him.

‘I think you’re very cute,’ he mumbles through his tears, ‘would you like to come home with me?’

Well, Nick and I nearly piss ourselves laughing. I know I should feel sorry for him, being my cousin and all, but just to see him in the toilet reduced to a mere shadow of his twenty two stone self is simply comical. It’s as if he’s being forced across a bridge that he’s tried unsuccessfully to cross on his own for the last twenty years.

‘What?’ Danny shouts at him again. ‘I can’t hear you.’

‘I think you’re very cute. Would you like to come home with me?’

Someone behind us sniggers. Danny turns around and tells him to ‘shut the fuck up, you,’ which he obeys.

‘Are you ready then?’ Danny asks Liam. Liam nods. ‘Let’s do it, then,’ he says a little more encouragingly, and straightens Liam’s shirt collars.

Nick holds open the door, and I slap Liam on the shoulders and he follows him back outside. Danny walks over to the bathroom attendant and throws a coin into the guy’s tip tray. He chooses the Calvin Klein aftershave and sprays it on himself liberally. I walk behind him, and look at his reflection in the mirror. He doesn’t look at me.

‘You okay, mate?’ I ask him.

He puts the aftershave down but continues staring at himself

‘What do you think?’ he says, and then walks out ahead of me.

AS I OPEN the door to the toilets and walk back outside, the music attacks me from all sides like a swarm of bees. I feel Charlie slap me on the back as we walk back to where we were. He’s all hands, Charlie. Always has to be touching something or someone.

Nick is giving Liam some words of encouragement as if he’s in the corner of a ring with a boxer. ‘Go Nike on this Liam. Just fucking do it. Let’s go.’