Surviving Regret (19 page)

My heart squeezes at his confession, “You haven’t in a long time, Landon. Why now?”

Landon turns his head and stares up at the ceiling, his breathing low and even. If his eyes weren’t closed I’d think he’d fallen asleep by the amount of time that’s gone by. Finally, he speaks and it startles me, “I failed, Macy.” He laughs but it’s bitter. “In school, at life, football, with you.”

My heart hurts for him. It always will no matter what happens between us. He was one of the best memories from my past. His crazy ways, his shirtless body, his golden heart. “Oh, Landon,” I whisper. “You need help. You have to deal with everything that is happening.”

“No, I don’t,” Landon snaps.

I flinch from his harshness, “Yes, you do,” I say with authority. “What if I am pregnant? What’s going to happen to you, to us? You
need
to deal with what happened so you can move on. It’s the only way, Landon.”

He sits up and dangles his legs over the side of the bed. “So do you, Macy.”

“I am!” I yell and bang my fist against the bed. “I’m dealing the best way I know how.”

Landon turns his cold eyes to me, “You can’t even say it. You can’t even say his name.” Landon shakes his head and the memories all slam into me at once.

“Landon, sit down.” I pull on his shirt trying to get him to sit back in the seat.

“Say it, Macy.”

The sounds of metal on metal and glass crunching ringing out.

“Macy.”

“Macy,” Madison whispers and points with a shaking arm toward the SUV. I look up and there is a guy on the hood who isn’t moving.

“Say his name, Macy.”

“Steven,” Alexa cries. “Steven!”

“No.” I shake my head back and forth trying to clear the memory away. I can’t say his name. I haven’t said it in years. It hurts too much.

“See,” Landon says getting up from the bed and reaches down for his shoe.

I start to panic, he’s leaving me again. He says shit like he’s failing me and then he just up and leaves me here. “Fine, but you need to deal with Steven’s death, too. You blame yourself for what happened. It’s not true. We’re all to blame in our own ways, Landon.” Tears well in my eyes. “We shouldn’t have been driving with the radio so damn loud.
You and Madison
shouldn’t have been drinking in the car.
Cash and I
should have stopped you.
Steven
shouldn’t have let you even get in his car. You shouldn’t have been smoking.
I
shouldn’t have let you.” The tears are coming so hard I can barely breathe.

Landon sits on Heather’s empty bed, “You aren’t done dealing, Macy. You may think you are but you aren’t.” He leans his elbows on his knees, so frustrated with himself he shakes. “You need to deal with what happened with me and Madison too.” My body tenses at the mention of my sister’s name. “You haven’t dealt with that. You swept it under the rug.” Landon stands and runs his hands through his hair, “Damn it, Macy! You need to fucking blame me.” He raises his voice now. “It’s my fault Steven’s dead and that I was making out with your sister at prom. I knew what the fuck I was doing.” He watches me and I want to hit him for even mentioning her. “I fucking knew what I was doing with her in the closet. If Alexa wouldn’t have opened the door, I would have fucked your sister.”

My hand flies up to cover my mouth. Shaking my head side-to-side because deep down, I know that’s true. It hurts so damn bad. “That’s not true.” It’s a lie but I can’t deal with that shit. It’s done, it’s over, it never happened.

Landon stops right in front of me bending to eye level. I turn away but he grabs my face between his shaking palms. “Fucking look at me.” He spits the words so harshly that I do, I can’t help but look at him. “It is, Macy.
It is
. Everything I’ve just said is true. And I’m sorry for that. I am. You forgave me but not Madison; she’s your fucking twin sister! You have to blame me. Everything was my fault. Tell me how angry you are! Tell me! I was
angry
and
hurt
and I
chose
your sister over you.”

It’s a slap in my face and it’s meant to be. That’s not true, the more he blames himself the more pissed I’m getting. I stand, causing Landon to stand as well. “
Fine
,” I yell. “I do blame you, Landon.”

Landon laughs, it’s sarcastic and it pisses me off even more, “That’s better.”

I glare at him wanting to wrap my hands around his neck and squeeze the life out of him. “No, it’s not.” I shove Landon’s shoulder, “I blame you for not letting me comfort you, to love you like we used to be able to do.” I pound on his chest. “I blame you for getting in that closet with her, for using me and destroying Cash.” I shove him again, “Things will never be the same and goddamnit they don’t need to be. We can deal with the here and now.” I place a hand on my stomach. “We
have
to deal with it.”

“No, we don’t.” He looks down to the floor. “We don’t deal with anything because everything you just said to me I know isn’t true. They’re just words that you think I want to hear. We’re too fucked up to be together,” Landon says so low I’m not even sure I heard the last part. “Your words don’t mean anything unless you feel them.”

Feel them? How can I not feel them? Is he expecting me to throw myself down on the ground and cry myself into a stupor? Does he want me to destroy my room in anger? Is he expecting me to hit him over and over again until I can’t feel anything else? He has his way of dealing with the past and I have mine. I don’t want to be the one to fall apart while everyone around me crumbles in my destruction.

As I stare at him, I know that I have to give him something. But I’m so tired of this same song and dance.

I sit down on my bed feeling defeated, no matter what I say or do it’s never right. “I’m tired. I’m tired of trying so hard.” I’m bawling again. “I’m so fucking tired of trying.”

Landon’s voice is cold, “Stop trying to fix me. I never asked you to, Macy.”

I bring my knees up to my chest and rock back and forth looking for any kind of comfort. My world, my nicely put drama-free world is crumbling.

“Tell me you never want to see me again, Macy. It’s the only way.” I meet his eyes. “Go head, tell me.” Landon drops to his knees in front of me.

“I can’t, Landon. You’re all I have left. You’re all I want.”

Landon grips my upper arms, “I can’t be with you, Macy, until you blame me!”

The final wall held up with that last remaining scrap of metal from an accident long ago crumbles to a mess in front of me, I’m defeated. I’m caving into what he wants. “Fine, you want me to blame you, fine.” I grip his shirt in my hands and get into his face. “I hate you. I hate that you were high and drunk and messing around. I hate that you turned to Madison for comfort when it should have been me. I hate that you fuck around with those other girls.” My face is red and I’m sweating. “I hate that you push me away and try to hurt me. I fucking hate you, Landon.”

I completely lose it. I’ve never hated someone in my entire life like I do right now. Landon abolished the only little part of my heart I had left. I cry for all of us that night but more for Landon and me. That one night destroyed our lives forever.

Landon tucks us both under the covers in my bed and just lets me cry. I swear, in the middle of my break down, Landon cries, too. The top of my head is wet and it could only come from one place. People always say that men don’t cry but sometimes, in the rough of things, I think it does them well. Landon is so angry all the time and he feels the weight of the world on his shoulders and can never catch a break. So when he cries it’s like a page is being ripped away from the spine.

Eventually Landon and I fall asleep, we’re on an emotional overload that no one can understand but the two of us. But before we fall asleep Landon places his hand on my stomach and rubs his thumb back and forth. That motion gives me a little hope that someday we’ll find our light.

***

I wake before Landon but don’t make a move. I’m enjoying the little peace that we have for now. Landon’s breathing comes faster and I know he’s awake now too.

“Landon,” it comes out rough from all the crying. He looks up with red, tired eyes. “I don’t hate you.”

He gives me a half lazy smile, “I know.” He shifts his body down a little farther on the bed then puts his head on my stomach. “I’m all messed up, Macy.”

I run my hands through his hair comforting him. “I know. We all are in our own ways.” I pick up my phone and check the time. “We’ve got to get up, we’re gonna be late for class.”

Landon kisses my stomach and sits up. I throw my legs over the side of the bed and walk over to the bathroom. The reflection in the mirror scares the hell out of me. I quickly brush my teeth and glance back to see Landon still sitting on my bed. “Come on or you’re going to be late,” I say with a mouth full of toothpaste.

“I’m not going. They pulled my scholarship,” he mumbles and I know I didn’t hear him right.

I rinse and walk over to my dresser, “What did you say?”

Landon shakes his head, “Nothing, never mind. Let’s go.”

I throw another shirt on and promise a shower after this class.

***

Later that morning Landon shows up at my dorm room with a movie in his hand. We’re lying on my bed watching a movie. Things are a little awkward in a way between us but at the same time it’s comfortable. This is the old us.

My phone rings but neither of us makes a move to get it. Then, minutes later, Landon’s phone starts to ring. A chill breaks out over my skin, something’s happened. I can feel it.

I lift my head from Landon’s chest and look up to him. “Landon…”

His eyes close, “I know. I’m afraid to find out what’s happened now.” Landon opens his eyes, “I’m not sure how much more I can take without breaking, Macy.”

I nod and take the lead. This is me being there for Landon. That was his way of asking for help without really asking for it. I climb to the end of my bed and pick up Landon’s phone that’s charging on my desk. Steven’s mom, Jackie. My blood runs cold.
What could she need?

With a shaking hand I sit back on the bed and answer. “Hello?”

“Oh, Macy,” Jackie says crying into the phone. “Sweetie, you need to come home. It’s Alexa.”

I look to Landon with wide eyes. He mouths the words, “What?” Tears pool in my eyes. I know it’s not good.

I cover the phone, “It’s Alexa.”

Landon leaps from the bed quickly grabs his shoe and puts it on. He grabs his wallet off the desk and puts it in his back pocket. Landon reaches down and grabs my purse off the floor.

“We’re on our way,” I tell Jackie. I slip on my shoes and start pulling my hoodie on.

“Please,” Jackie takes a shuddering breath, “Please be careful.”

“We will.”

I turn to grab my purse and I steal a quick glance at Landon who is grimacing at his phone. Whatever it is, we’ll deal with it later. We
need
to get to Alexa.

“I’m going to call Cash and make sure he knows,” I say, ignoring the gnawing feeling in my gut.

Landon nods, preoccupied with his phone.

“Hey,” Cash answers.

I cut right to the chase, “Jackie call you?”

“Yeah.”

“We’re heading back. Do you need a ride?” I look up to Landon to see if he’s going to protest but he’s still talking on his phone.

“Nope, I’m already on my way back.”

“Alright, see you there.”

“Be careful.”

“You too,” I whisper before hanging up.

Landon looks up with a defeated look on his face but holds his hand out to me. I take it and we rush to his truck. When we approach I look to Landon.

“What?”

I look down nervously, “Can I drive?”

Landon takes a deep breath and nods, “Yeah.”

He hands me the keys and we both climb in. I adjust the seats and mirrors preparing for the drive home when the door flies open and in jumps Madison.

I snap my head in Landon’s direction who offers me an apologetic smile. I squeeze my eyes shut cursing up a storm in my head before letting it all out in a deep breath and pulling out of the parking spot.

This is going to be one very long, uncomfortable hour-and-a-half ride home. We barely talk, and I can’t bring myself to look in the rearview mirror because I’m going to see Madison and that is something I’m just not ready for. Landon every once in a while will sneak glances my way and brush his hand against mine. It settles my nerves just a little but it’s enough to make this ride a little less painful.

***

When we arrive back in Canby I go straight to Jackie’s house. I figured that was the best place to start. I pull up in front of Steven’s house and my eyes well up with tears. I turn the car off and no one makes a move to get out. We’re all lost in our own thoughts.

The front door opens and Jackie appears. Her arms are crossed and she looks older. I’m first to get out followed by Landon and Madison. I take slow, deliberate steps up the walkway and when she sees me she smiles sadly.

“Macy,” she opens her arms and I run into them. “Oh, sweet girl.”

I cry and she just holds me and rocks us back and forth. When I settle down she releases me and I wipe my face with the sleeves of my hoodie.

“So, what happened?” Landon asks. He’s standing there with his hat down low and his hands tucked into his hoodie.

“She almost overdosed on Vicodin. She just kept saying she wanted the pain to go away and to be able to sleep without thinking of Steven.” Jackie wraps her arms around herself. “Something told me to go to visit Steven at the graveyard and I’m so glad that I did. I found her there collapsed by his gravestone. I got there just in time.”

Madison sniffles beside me but I don’t turn to look at her, to offer any comfort because she doesn’t deserve it.

Landon kicks at a rock that’s on the walkway. “Is she okay?” he asks.

I glance back to Landon’s truck, the keys weighing heavy in my hand. I want to go see Alexa but I’m also afraid. I haven’t been a very good friend to her and I hate myself for that.

I jingle the keys trying to steer the emotions to what’s important. Alexa. I take a step near Jackie and grab her hand. “Thank you for calling us. We’re going to go check up on her.”