Surviving Regret (16 page)

I cover my naked body with my sheet. “But not bad enough for you and Madison?”

Landon picks his jeans up off the floor and puts one leg into them. He glances over at me with rage in his blues. They’re so dark when he’s pissed. He reaches down and picks up his shirt and tugs it over his head.

“Stay the fuck away from him, Macy.” Landon seethes.

“But—”

“But nothing, I’m not fucking around.” He reaches for his sneakers not even bothering to put them on before stomping over to the door and slamming it shut behind him.

“Well, I guess I know how to piss him off when I need to get rid of him,” I mumble to myself before lying back down and going back to sleep.

Just as I think I might sleep, Heather comes over with coffee. I forgive her for coming in because of what’s in her hand. “Morning, sunshine.”

I grumble as she sits down on the bed and take the coffee. It’s warm and exactly what I need.

She hands me her phone. “I have video footage from last night.”

“Oh, God,” I nearly choke on my coffee. “Is this like that movie
Hangover?”

“No,” she smiles handing me the phone. “It’s better. Especially at one minute, twenty-three seconds into your lap dance where you go to whip your head around and nearly knock out Will.”

“Will?” I press play.

It’s all there.

All of it.

I gave Will a lap dance in front of the entire party.
I gave fucking Will a lap dance!

“You broke Will’s glasses by the way.”

I place my coffee cup on my nightstand and pull the covers over my head officially embarrassed.

“You don’t find that the least bit funny?” Heather says while laughing.

“Get out,” I grumble from beneath the covers.

She’s laughing so hard now she snorts. “Just wait till you see him in class. I bet he’s gonna have tape holding them together.

I yank the covers off and push Heather out of my room and lock it behind her. I’m never leaving my room again.

October 31, 2013

I’m sitting in class as another wave of nausea washes over me. That’s the second time today. Heather and I went out to Studio One Café for breakfast this morning and as soon as the waitress set the plate of French toast down in front of me I stood up, knocking my chair over, and ran to the bathroom. I never did get sick but my stomach never settled enough for me to even eat. I left poor Heather at our table to eat by herself while I walk around outside. I couldn’t even stand the sweet smell of syrup in the air of the café.

My period is two weeks late. I’m scared shitless. I have no one to talk to about this and that isn’t helping me at all. Yeah, I could talk to Heather, she knows more about my life right now than my own twin sister does but I’m afraid. I feel like I barely fit in now as it is and if I am pregnant I’ll feel like I have a sign on my back that says outcast for sure. Or people will say I got pregnant on purpose because Landon will go pro for sure. I’m not telling Landon because of the drugs I took a few days ago. He will freak the fuck out if he even speaks to me after I tell him I could possibly be pregnant. Will he even believe that it’s his? Probably not, but I know it is. I’ve never been with anyone else.

I glance up to the clock, twenty minutes until this lecture is over. I sit back in my seat and rub a hand over my stomach begging the feeling to just go away. I thought seeing Will shortly after I gave him a lap dance would be awkward, well more awkward than normal, but it wasn’t. He asked for another one. For a brief second I forgot about my problems. And here we sit in this never-ending lecture while I’m feeling like death warmed over.

Will leans over in my direction, careful not to bring attention to us. “You okay? You don’t look so hot?”

I give him a pointed look. So, not only don’t I feel well, I don’t look well either. Just fucking great.

The corner of his lips pulls up, “Well, you always look hot.” His cheeks flush. “Just not right this second.”

I stare blankly at him for a few seconds letting him squirm in his seat before letting him off the hook.

“I, uh, I…” Will stumbles with his words. He thinks he offended me.

I giggle, “I’m just kidding with you, Will.” He visibly relaxes. “I don’t actually feel too well. I must have eaten something last night that isn’t sitting well with me.”

“Yeah, probably.” He looks toward the professor before meeting my eyes again. “I was going to ask you to a Halloween party tonight.” He’s nervous and it’s kind of cute. “But maybe we can just hang out and do something low key if you aren’t feeling all that well.”

I sigh. “I wish I could, Will.” I tap my pen on my leg. “Believe me, I want something normal in my life but I’m just not capable of normal right now.” My eyes tear up from the memories of my past, the good ones and even some of the bad. “I’m so in love with Landon and all his fucked up shit that I can’t see straight.” I look Will in his eyes and give him a small smile while my eyes water. “Run away while you can, run far, far away.”

Will looks like I’ve slapped him across the face for a brief minute before his expression changes to understanding. “We’re all fucked up in our own way, Macy.” He shrugs. “I hope Landon opens his eyes before you slip through his fingers and I step in to save the day.”

“That’s it for today. We’ll review briefly in the next class before moving on,” the professor says.

Everyone around us stands shuffling books and papers before gathering all their belongings and leaving class. I reach down to grab my purse off the floor but Will beats me to it.

“Thanks,” I say taking it from him and slinging it on my shoulder.

“I’m serious, Macy. When he fucks up I’m holding you to our date,” Will says with a smirk on his face as his cheeks burn red. He’s still trying to impress me even though I just shot him down.

I step past him and into the aisle, “And I’ll be ready.”

Chapter Five

November 3, 2013

Landon

I took a few days before I called Madison to tell her about what happened with Macy. When I left Macy’s dorm I went straight to the gym and beat the shit out of the punch bag until my knuckles were raw and bloody. I would have kept going if one of the trainers hadn’t stopped me.

We went into his office where he wrapped up my hands and told me if I did that stupid shit again I was going to be benched for a game. I agreed that I wouldn’t make them bleed again. I never said I wouldn’t hit the bag again because honestly I needed to take my anger out on something. I’d prefer it be Jay’s face for what he did but I’d probably wind up dead in a ditch somewhere. Just thinking about what else could have happened with Jay and Macy makes my blood boil all over again.

“Landon,” Madison says so groggy that I wonder what she’s high on when she answers the phone.

“You popping pills now too?” I jump right in. No point in holding back.

“What are you talking about?” she says defensively.

I huff. “Your sister took your pills that Jay gave her at a party.”

“What?” Madison sounds awake now. “What do you mean pills?”

“Jay saw her at a party, he gave her the pills. He assumed it was you. Does he not know you have a twin?” I’m getting irritated as fuck.

“Landon, you know how Jay is. We barely talk.”

“No, Madison, all you do is fuck.”

That was an asshole thing to say but I’m fucking pissed that Macy took those pills and could have been put in a bad situation. Pissed she was even involved at all. She’s too good for this goddamn shit.

November 7, 2013

Stanford, California

Cardinals vs Ducks

We’re in Stanford, California. We got in yesterday and we’ve been busy with practices and watching tapes. I’ve been studying my opponents, keeping up with my game. I’m pumped as I think we all are.

“You ready, Hayes?” Colton asks as we’re getting suited up.

I nod. “You?”

“Always.”

Coach does his game day speech before we hit the field. We’re all in our zones ready to rock the Cardinals.

The first quarter of the game we don’t score but that’s okay. The Cardinals are up by a touchdown, no big deal. Saylor is trying to hype us all up. Patting guys on the asses and slapping guys on the helmet after they run off the field.

“That’s the way to sack’em, Declan.”

Declan who already has his helmet off before stepping off the field gives Saylor a warning look. He hates being slapped on the ass and we all do it from time to time just to mess with him.

The second quarter we’re scoreless again but the Cardinals score ten points. We’re losing seventeen to nothing ending the half. All of the hype and excitement is slipping away.

Coach Lander yells as we all expect during halftime. “Get your heads out of your asses.” He throws his clipboard on the ground. “Play the damn game the way I know you all can play. We can’t walk away from this game scoreless. That’s not us!”

We all yell, “Yes, sir.” And then all settle back in our own heads trying to figure out what we can all do to make the game better.

The third quarter we still can’t seem to make a damn score. The Cardinals are able to score another six points with two field goals. The score is now twenty-three to nothing.

Cash is pissed. He’s hesitating because no one can seem to be able to get open. This is a good and a bad thing. Cash is a monster on the field when he’s pissed off so hopefully this is what we need to get some points up on the board.

When the kicking team takes the field I hear Coach Lander say to Cash, “Take that goddamn anger and throw the fucking ball, Cash. You’re my starting quarterback for a reason so prove to me why I chose you.”

Cash grits his teeth. “Yes, sir.”

“And you,” Coach Lander points at me. “Get the hell open so he has someone to throw the damn ball to.”

“Yes, sir.”

Finally, in the fourth quarter I get a break and Cash throws me a twenty-three-yard pass. I score putting us on the board. The Cardinals follow that up with a field goal. Riley receives the punt return running it in for a sixty-five-yard touchdown getting us on the board once again. The last play we make, Jet scores with a twelve-yard catch scoring another touchdown.

It’s not enough to win us the game with the score being twenty-six to twenty.

As I’m walking to the locker room I hear Cash talking to reporters telling them that we were all hesitating and that’s something we just can’t do. He’s right, we can’t. It cost us the game. It’s our first loss of the season and it fucking sucks.

November 16, 2013

Eugene, Oregon

Utes vs Ducks

We’re back on our home field. This week’s practices have been brutal. Coach Lander is pissed that we lost last week’s game and he’s taking it out on us. Practices and training have been extra-long barely giving me a chance to breathe, let alone get any homework done.

Everyone is being quiet as we suit up for the game. I feel good about this game though and I’m hoping we’ve found our groove again.

The first quarter, Holden receives an eight-yard pass for a touchdown and then we get a field goal and the Utes come up with nothing.

“That’s the way to run through them, Holden!” I say, knocking helmets with him.

“That number thirty-four had me about shitting my pants when he was coming after me. You see the size of that guy?”

I laugh. “Yeah, he has it out for you.”

The second quarter, Cash drops back into the pocket and he tosses me a five-yard pass for a touchdown. The Utes were able to score a touchdown as well. The score is seventeen to ten.

When we get to the locker room for half, Coach Lander is in a slightly better mood seeing as we’re ahead in the game. The crowd is keeping us all upbeat after our shitty performance last week.

The third quarter, Sean receives the kick return and runs it in for an eighty-six-yard touchdown. The crowd goes crazy. This is what we’re about. We find our way and lead it. Jet is able to score a fourteen-yard touchdown with a perfect pass from Cash but we miss the extra point. Then the Utes are able to score a touchdown right after that. The last play of the third quarter Cash hands the ball off to Holden and he runs it in for a seventeen-yard touchdown. The score is now thirty-seven to fourteen. We’re in our groove and nothing is holding us back tonight.

The last quarter the Utes score right off the bat for a touchdown. We hold them off from scoring anymore and with two minutes left on the clock Holden runs the ball in for a sixteen-yard touchdown.

“Damn, Holden, you’re on fire tonight.”

“Let’s hope the ladies tonight think so too.”

I laugh high-fiving him on the way to the locker room.

We won forty-four to twenty-one.

November 23, 2013

Tucson, Arizona

Wildcats vs Ducks

Another away game and the pressure is building on me. I feel like everything is about to cave in on my life. I’m barely sleeping these days. I even paid some girl in one of my classes to do my homework one night so I could actually sleep. I slept for six hours straight. That never happens. I haven’t even seen Macy in weeks. We’ve sent a few texts but that’s it and it’s killing me.

Saylor tries to pump us up before the game but no one’s in the mood. With having these two away games so close together everyone’s patience is wearing thin.

The first quarter we’re able to score a field goal. It’s all we’re able to do against the Wildcats’ two touchdowns.

The second quarter Cash runs the ball in for a touchdown but we miss the two-point conversion. The Wildcats are on their game scoring another fourteen points.

Coach Lander tries a different approach this time during his half-time speech. He’s not pissed, he’s fucking livid. He barely talks at all and when that happens we know the shit is going to hit the fan on Sunday when we’re reviewing tapes.