Surviving Regret (23 page)

“I’m sorry that I chose him that night and broke your trust.”

My chest tightens as I remember them walking out of the closet together. Landon’s tie missing and Madison’s dress ripped. What do I say to that? Tell her that it’s okay because it’s not, it never will be. She hurt me, Cash, and herself. She not only lost Steven she also lost me that night and in more ways than she can fathom she lost Cash too. Madison turned to something that would take all that away. Something she now has to climb her way out of and only she can do it.

“I hate what you’ve done to yourself. I hate that Steven’s gone and that Alexa wants to be. I hate that you’re slowly killing yourself. But mostly,” I wait until she looks at me. She has to know how serious I am. Tears burn my eyes but I stare at her until she looks at me. I want her to see my pain and know that I’m sorry too. “I hate that I’m letting you do it.”

Madison reaches for me and I open my arms to her letting her back in. She cries and it shakes her whole body. I let my own tears fall when I know that Madison has hit rock bottom and knowing I was part of the cause. I knew what she was doing and I did nothing to help her. I should have been there for her and I turned my back when she needed me the most.

“Can you forgive me?” Madison mumbles as her face is buried in my hair.

I pull back and place my hands on either side of her cheeks. “I’m going to try. You need me.” I look down her skinny body with her clothes just hanging off her and the dark circles around her eyes. “I can’t stand seeing you like this. I need you, Madison. I need you to get better. I need you to get off the drugs.” I take a few seconds and collect myself. That was harder to admit than I thought it would be. “I hate that you turned to Landon. And I don’t want to hate anymore. I’m exhausted.”

“He was just there, Macy.” Madison pulls out of my hold but still faces me. “Haven’t you ever been curious…about Cash?”

The daydream about Cash makes my cheeks instantly flush. “Yes. I have.”

“And?”

“I would never act on it,” I say defensively because she needs to know that nothing would ever happen with Cash and I.

“But you thought about it…”

I nod in agreement. “Yes. I suppose the reason I don’t act on it is because Cash is different. Cash wouldn’t ever let anything happen. Landon on the other hand acts before he thinks.”

“He loves you, Macy. Only you.”

I know he does even if it’s Landon’s way of loving me but sometimes I wonder if it’s enough. Does love really conquer all? Some days I’m not so sure. But I am sure that my sister needs my love and I know that my love will be enough for her.

When Madison and I go back into the house I hear Alexa and Jackie laughing. Madison and I look at each other and shrug before we pile onto the couch where they’re both sitting.

“Do you girls remember that one time when Steven shaved his head when you guys were in fifth grade?”

Alexa laughs. “Yeah, I hated his skin head. It was so wrinkly and had dents in places there shouldn’t have been dents.”

Jackie giggles, “Did he ever tell you why he had to shave his hair?”

We all shake our heads.

“He had this thing with gum. He chewed it non-stop.” She laughs again. “He kept it in his mouth while he ate. It was the most disgusting thing ever.” She laughs harder. “I told him one night before bed that it was going to fall out of his mouth and get stuck in his hair and we’d have to shave it. He didn’t care. Well, the next morning he walks downstairs and Adam pointed to his head and asked what the hell that was.”

Alexa snorts.

“Sure enough the gum was stuck in his hair. We tried everything to get it out but it only made it worse and we had to shave his head. We could have just cut that one section off but that would have looked worse. He hated it and I swear he shed a few tears during that haircut.”

We all laughed and it felt so damn good.

Jackie sighs, “I want you girls to watch something.” She gets up and grabs the remote from the table and then takes her seat on the couch between us again.

The familiar voice of Mase singing “Welcome Back” starts playing and we’re staring at the gym back in our high school during that last pep rally. Madison reaches over and grabs my hand. She helped them all with this skit for school. The four of us watch as the guys dominated that show. Everyone was on their feet at one time or another.

Steven comes around in front of Cash when the music fades into “Like A Virgin.” Steven drops to his knees and acts like he’s proposing. Cash looks horrified all the while Landon is humping the ground.

I start laughing so hard I can’t see and my stomach aches. We were one crazy group of friends.

We all sigh when it’s over. “Where did you get this?” Madison asks.

Jackie pats her knee, “Adam.”

The movie flickers a few times and then we’re watching the championship game. We sit there and watch the entire game. No one moved even an inch. At the end of the game Steven runs up to Jackie, hugs her and he spins her around. Alexa is there in the background smiling like she just won the lottery and in a way she did. She had Steven’s heart and in my eyes that’s the ultimate jackpot.

“Love you, Mom,” Steven says before the video cuts off.

Jackie starts crying followed by Alexa and me and Madison.

When Jackie’s able to talk she says something that hits home and changes everything as I know it. She opens my big blue eyes, figuratively, and makes me see what’s right in front of me.

“You girls have a gift that was taken from Steven too soon.” She looks up the ceiling. “Don’t waste it. Don’t waste a second on something that’s in the past, something that can’t be changed.

For a moment, I wish I was pregnant. The timing is horrible but I want that tie to Landon in a way. I miss him. I picture a tiny little baby boy with chocolate brown hair and piercing blue eyes crawling around saying mama and dada. I lean my head back against the couch and see hopefully our future playing out, one where we write the game plays ourselves, not the playbook being written for us.

“I’ll be right back.” Jackie leaves the three of us sitting in the living room. We each look everywhere but at each other. “Catch,” she says as she comes back into the room and Madison reaches up and catches a set of keys.

“They’re the keys to the house on Cannon Beach. Go out there. Talk about things. Fix them. Remember why you are here and never forget what brought you to this point. Life’s too short.”

“You heard her,” Steven’s dad, John, startles us. “Chop, chop.”

Jackie wraps her arms around her husband and they both give us pointed looks. Alexa, Madison, and I jump to our feet and are out the door in a flash.

“Macy, can you call Landon and Cash?” Madison asks when we reach our cars. “I’ll meet you back at the house and we can all drive down together?”

“Yeah, yeah.” I unlock my car and climb in.

Alexa places a hand on my car door. “Thank you.”

Confused I say, “For what?”

“For not giving up.”

The corner of my lip curls, “Never.”

Chapter Nine

December 8, 2013

Landon

Macy calls and tells me to grab some clothes and meet her outside in ten minutes. I don’t know what’s going on but we’ve got to be going somewhere. Maybe this will be my chance to talk to her about things, the pregnancy, in particular, and the future and what that means for us.

She beeps the horn. I grab my bag that I dropped by the front door. My parents are out so I make sure to lock up when I leave.

“Hey,” I greet her when I climb into the front seat.

“We’re going to the beach.”

My eyebrows lift up, “Beach? Like Cannon Beach?”

She flicks the blinker on making a right hand turn toward Cash’s house. “Yup.” And a few moments later she rolls to a stop in front of his house and beeps the horn.

“Did you talk to Madison yet?”

Macy looks over at me. “Yeah.”

I look away for a brief second afraid she’ll tell me she’s still not talking to her sister. “Are things okay?

She nods and relief floods me. “We’re okay.”

“Good.”

Julia opens the door with a messy haired little Bentley in her arms. “Damn, she got big.”

I wave at Julia, “Yeah, she did. You should see her crawling around too.”

I bit of jealously hits me. She’s been with Cash since we got back and I hate that. I want her to come to me but I know she won’t. She doesn’t trust me and I don’t blame her. She’s holding on to the last bit of light before my fucked up ways put it out.

“Yo,” Cash says taking a seat in the back.

I lift my chin, “Yo.”

Macy pulls away from the curb.

“So,” Cash clears his throat. “Where are we going?”

Macy shrugs and keeps her eyes on the road, “Cannon Beach.”

Cash mutters something under his breath and Macy sighs. “Suck it up, Cash. We need this.”

He grunts, “I know but I have to be back on campus by the sixteenth.”

I feel a pain in my chest. I should have to be back by the eleventh as well but I fucked all that up.

A few minutes later and we stop in front of Madison and Macy’s. She puts the car in park. “I’ll be right back.”

She runs up to the house. Cash shifts around in the back seat. “You talk to her yet.”

I shrug, “No not really.”

“You better,” Cash says as a warning. “It’s time to get your head out of your ass, Landon.”

He’s right. This is the turning point in my life, there is no other way. “I know, man. I know.”

Minutes later the front door opens and Macy followed by Madison and Alexa walk out. Each carrying a bag in their hands. I’m surprised to see Alexa. I thought her parents would have been watching her like a hawk since the accident.

Cash opens the door and grabs the bags from each of the girls. I lean over and pop the trunk open. Macy sits back in the driver’s seat. It’s rare for her to let anyone drive especially if it’s far. Alexa climbs in the back seat and Madison and Cash sit on either side of her.

I turn my head and smile, “Hey, beautiful.”

She’s gives me a timid smile, “Hey.”

Macy turns so she can see us all. “Seatbelts, no smoking, no drinking, no fighting.”

The tension in the air builds until Cash saves the day. “Yes, Mom.”

That earned him a glare from Macy.

“I mean it. I can’t lose any of you. My heart won’t survive it.”

Cash ruffles Macy’s hair, “We aren’t going anywhere.” Then Cash throws his arm around Alexa and pulls her to his side. “I’m warning you now, I drool.”

“I don’t understand. He drools so much,” Macy says, and then catches herself. “He was drunk one night and I didn’t know what to do with him so he slept on my bed.
Fully clothed
.” And then she gets a nervous giggle thinking she’s gone too far. “Well, I was fully clothed, he had no pants on. And he peed on my plant,” she sighs. “Never mind.”

I shake my head not wanting to even think about the rest of that sentence.

And that’s how Cash and Alexa stay until we arrive in Cannon Beach two hours later.

The house is located down a private drive on a quiet little side street set back a little away from the beach crowds. The house has five bedrooms and two-and-a-half baths. It’s bright with windows surrounding almost the entire lower floor.

One thing I love about the house the most is the kitchen. It’s huge, has all up-to-date appliances and has plenty of counter space. When I get my own house one day I’d like to buy one just like this for Macy. She’d have plenty of room for cooking meals and baking. I may never get rid of Cash but that’s okay.

The living room has a huge flat screen and it leads into the dining area and off of that is a long wraparound porch. Macy and I used to go out there and watch the sun set. It was always perfect.

The five bedrooms were upstairs and each has its own theme. There was one bathroom in the hallway and one in the master suite. The half bath was downstairs. In the master bedroom there were high ceilings and it has a loft that overlooks the living room. Jackie used to tease us and tell us she would know if anyone was having sex and not to try it. She couldn’t hear anything because I know for a fact Madison and Cash, and I’m sure Steven and Alexa, had sex in there. Macy and I never did though. We always had sex in the hammock or out on the beach when everyone was sleeping.

December 9th

Everyone is down walking along the beach but I stay back. I need to make a phone call to my dad. I was a pussy and couldn’t talk to him about this face-to-face.

“Hello?” My dad answers on the second ring.

“Hey, Dad,” I clear my throat. “You got a second to talk?”

I hear shuffling around in the background and mom asking who was on the phone. Dad tells her and then I hear a door click shut.

“What’s going on, Landon?”

I sigh and drop down into a chair on the deck. “I fucked up, Dad.”

He takes a deep breath, “Tell me what happened.”

I unload the story about taking the drug test, failing, the school taking my scholarship and not being able to play in the Bowl game. When I finish it’s so quiet I’m sure he hung up. I left the part out about Macy thinking she might be pregnant. I’m not trying to give him a heart attack.

“I’m not letting this stop you, Landon.” I hear him scribbling something down. “I’ll file for an appeal as soon as I can but
only
if you get help, Landon.”

I’m stunned, “You’re not angry?” I thought he would be fucking pissed.

“I’m not happy about this. We didn’t raise you this way but you’ve got too much talent to waste. You’re a good kid with a good heart. Forgive yourself.” I let his words sink in. He doesn’t think I’m a fuck up. My dad still truly cares about me. “You’re dealing with losing your best friend, kid. I don’t agree with it but what can I do? We tried to get you the best help we could but you wouldn’t take it so your mother and I sat back and just let you do your thing.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“I love you, kid.”