Sweet Trouble (25 page)

She stopped, not sure what to do. Part of her wanted to run away. Part of her wanted to run toward him so he could hold her and tell her everything was going to be all right. Neither was possible. She wasn’t going to show weakness and she wasn’t going to wish for the impossible. Matt wasn’t a place of refuge anymore—he was the enemy and she was going to defeat him.

She squared her shoulders and walked toward him, telling herself he wasn’t the man she’d fallen in love with. Maybe that man had never existed—maybe she’d created him in her mind.

He waited without saying anything. As she got closer, she saw the shadows under his eyes. He looked bad, which probably should have made her feel better, but it didn’t. In the end, there wouldn’t be any winners in this battle. Victory would come at a price that would require payment forever.

“I’m sorry,” he said when she reached her car. “Jesse, I’m more sorry than I can say. You shouldn’t have been served. I know what you went through when you read those papers. I didn’t want that.”

“Starting when?” she asked, steeling herself against being close to him. “You obviously saw a lawyer more than once about this. You had the papers drawn up. You set everything in motion and then what? You changed your mind at the last minute? Big deal. It’s done, Matt. It can’t be undone.”

“I was pissed,” he told her. “Beyond pissed, beyond angry. I hated that you’d kept Gabe from me. You took something that can never be made right.”

“So you’re going to do the same and then we’re even? You’re right—I can’t change the past. But at least I’ve admitted I was wrong. I’ll do everything I can to make up for my mistake. Because it was a mistake. Nothing more. Not deliberate. Not a plan. Not cruel. You’re so big on not getting played, but you played the hell out of me. You thought this all through and then you watched the events unfold. How do you think that makes me feel?”

“Like shit,” he said bluntly. “The same way I felt when you left.”

“I left because you rejected me and our child. I’ll accept that you could believe I slept with Drew. But even if I had been sleeping with my sister’s husband, there was still a chance the baby was yours. You ignored that. You let me walk away because thinking the worst about me was what you needed to do.”

“What else was there?” he demanded, his voice rising. “Do you know what it was like to find out you’d betrayed everything we’d had together?”

She stared into his eyes. “I know exactly how that feels.”

He stiffened.

“It’s better being right, isn’t it?” she taunted. “It’s much more uncomfortable to be the bad guy. You don’t get to win this one, Matt. There’s nothing you can do or say to make anyone believe you weren’t the bastard. You wanted me to care about you. You used everything you remembered about me to make me fall in love with you.”

She’d been over everything so many times in her head. “You were just waiting for me to fall in love with you. You wanted the words. The second I said them, you called your lawyer and told him to get the papers ready.”

“Yes.”

“I meant what I said. I loved you and I trusted you and you used that. You set out to destroy me, but you’ve done far more than that. You’ve threatened my child. I may not seem very formidable to you, but I’m not alone. I will do whatever is necessary to keep Gabe safe. You’re not going to win by default. Every member of my family has offered me money and I’m taking them up on it. I will annihilate you in court. You have no idea what you’re up against.”

He could have at least pretended to look frightened. Instead his expression turned sad. “I’m sorry,” he told her.

Jesse hadn’t expected that. “So what? You’re sorry. That’s meaningless.”

“I know, but it’s true. You’re right about all of it. I wanted revenge, so I played the game. Only everything changed once I got to know Gabe and spent time with you. I never saw the flaw in my plan—that I would lose everything important to me, including you. If I could take it back, I would. All of it. Not just serving you, but getting a lawyer involved at all.”

The truly pathetic moment in all this was how desperately she wanted to believe him. “I’m not falling for that again,” she told him, hurting as she said the words.

“I know. I’ve screwed it all up, Jess. I get that.” He shoved his hands into the front pockets in his jeans. “You don’t need a lawyer. I’m not going to try to take Gabe away. I don’t want to hurt you. I want us to try again.”

She stared at him. “Try what? Being together? After this? There’s no way in hell.”

He ignored that. “I want a real relationship with you. I want to be Gabe’s father. I want us to be a family.”

She wished she could hit him hard enough for it to really hurt. “That’s crap. Total crap. Someone who wants a relationship doesn’t plan the other person’s emotional destruction. If you really cared about me you would have let go of your plan, but you didn’t. You walked away from me telling you I loved you and called your lawyer. You care a whole lot more about revenge than anything else. I would never want to be with someone like you.”

For the first time he didn’t look as if he was confident he was going to win. His shoulders slumped a little and his mouth straightened. “You don’t mean that.”

“I mean every word.”

“You can’t.” He drew in a breath. “I love you, Jesse.”

The words were meaningless, she told herself, even as they searched for a way into her heart. No! She wouldn’t give in, wouldn’t be weak again. If it was just her, maybe. But Gabe was on the line here.

“You don’t love anyone but yourself. You don’t know how to love. You’re not sorry about what happened, you’re sorry you got caught.”

“Jesse, no. That’s not true. You can’t walk away from me.”

She stared at him. “Five years ago I
begged
you to believe me when I said I hadn’t done anything wrong. But you wouldn’t listen. You only cared that you’d been hurt. The irony is, I didn’t do anything wrong. But did you bother to find out the truth? You believed what you wanted to believe, not based on my actions, but on my past. Something you were never a part of.”

She sucked in a breath, determined to stay strong. “I came back with the idea of us being a family. I didn’t expect to still have feelings for you. I thought we’d be friends and you’d be Gabe’s father. I did everything I could think of to make up for you not being a part of his life. I didn’t judge you on anything but your actions. You’re still Gabe’s dad and I won’t stand in your way as far as seeing him, but what we had, what we felt is dead. I will never forgive you, I will never trust you and if it wasn’t for the fact that your son would miss you, I would honestly tell you to go to hell and mean every word.”

She pushed him aside, unlocked her car, got in and drove away. She was proud of herself for not completely losing it until nearly a mile later when she had to pull over because she couldn’t see through all the tears.

“Dramatic much?” she murmured to herself as she climbed out of her car and approached the Starbucks. Okay, maybe a slightly more rational frame of mind would help.

She stepped into the store and looked around. She didn’t see Matt at first, but knew he had to be there. She’d noticed his car in the parking lot. She spotted him sitting at a table outside. She ordered an iced tea then walked out to join him.

There was a second or two before he looked up. A moment when the breeze played with his hair and the sunlight illuminated his profile. A moment when he was just the man she’d always loved, not her enemy.

Her heart thudded faster in her chest. How much of that was from anticipation and how much from terror? She didn’t think he could really take Gabe from her—she believed in the end she would win. But what would the battle cost all of them?

She straightened her spine and steeled her nerves. She had asked for this meeting. It was her moment to play, her game to lose. Only it wasn’t a game…not when Gabe was at the heart of all of it.

Matt looked up and saw her. There were shadows under his eyes and a tightness to his expression that spoke of loss and sadness. She could almost feel badly for him. Except
he
was the problem. She had to keep reminding herself of that. She had to remember how
she
felt every minute of every day as she remembered what she’d thought she had and what had been lost.

“Jesse.” He stood and pulled out a chair for her. “Thanks for agreeing to see me.”

“We have a lot to talk about.”

He waited until she was seated to sit himself. He’d always had good manners, she thought. That was Paula’s doing.

“You heard I had lunch with Gabe?” he asked.

“Your mom told me. That’s what made me set this up. We need to work out some kind of visitation schedule. Gabe enjoys spending time with you and consistency is important.”

“I agree.”

His gaze was steady, his voice low. She couldn’t let herself look at him for too long. It was like staring at the sun—she could get hurt, perhaps permanently.

“I’ll go along with whatever schedule you want,” he told her. “I’ll make myself available.”

The expression in his eyes seemed more sad than angry. “Jesse, I’m more sorry than you can know. I took what you gave me and threw it away. That was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I want to make it up to you and to Gabe.”

“How?” she asked, feeling tired beyond words. “You can’t undo what happened, Matt. Look, Gabe wants a dad and you want to be one. Great. So we’ll move forward from that. You’ll see him and have a relationship with him.”

“But not with you.”

“No. Not with me.” She clutched her tea. “I wish it could be different.” More than he knew. Despite everything, she still loved him. The problem was she no longer had any hope where they were concerned.

“It can.” He leaned toward her. “Everything can be different. You got the paperwork, right? Withdrawing the custody petition? Just give me a chance. Let me prove myself to you. Let me show you who I am.”

Unexpectedly, her eyes began to burn. She stood quickly. “I already know who you are. What you are. I can never let myself trust you or believe in you. You’ve shown me that in the clearest way possible. So stop trying. Let me know what schedule works best for you with Gabe. Then we can finalize the details of your visitation.”

He rose at the same time that she did. “This isn’t the end. I’m not giving up. I love you.”

The words hurt more than anything else he’d said—mostly because she desperately wanted to believe him. “People in love don’t do what you did, Matt. E-mail me a schedule that works for you and I’ll get back to you within a day or so.”

“Jesse, no. Stop. Talk to me. There has to be more.”

She looked at him. “There should be, but this is all we have now.”

Then she left, doing her best not to run, not to show weakness. But it was hard to go, with her eyes filled with tears and her heart begging her to listen and given him one more chance.

No doubt her bank would be stunned by her new balance. She’d always been one of those customers who sometimes had to ride her balance down to the last couple of pennies. She’d never bounced a check, but it had been close a few times. She’d struggled for so long and now there was more than enough.

Her first thought was to put most of it aside to pay for Gabe’s college, but to what end? Matt would take care of that. She could offer Paula rent, again, but doubted she would take it. Eventually she would move out and get her own place, but Paula had made it clear she didn’t want that to happen anytime soon. Jesse wasn’t in a hurry, either. Paula loved being with her grandson and Gabe thrived under her attention. Jesse appreciated having another adult around. So for now, she would stay.

Gabe ran into her bedroom and stood next to the bed where she sat with her computer on her lap. His eyes were big, his expression hopeful.

“It’s Grandma’s birthday on Saturday,” he said in a loud whisper. “I heard Uncle Bill say that. Grandma needs a party.”

Paula’s birthday? Jesse had never known the date. She pushed her computer aside and scrambled off the bed. “You’re right,” she told her son. “We need to have a big party for Grandma.” She had a feeling Bill would want to take Paula somewhere nice for dinner. “What about lunch? We could have balloons and presents and a cake.”

“And ice cream,” her son said, clapping his hands together. “And presents.”

“Lots of presents.” Paula might not be willing to accept rent money, but she wouldn’t turn down a few gifts. Jesse knew it was the least she could do. Plus it would be fun. “I’m going to go tell Uncle Bill our plan. I think the party should be a surprise.”

Gabe grinned. “A secret?”

“Uh-huh. So you can’t tell.”

“I won’t.”

She had her doubts. Excitement usually won out in the four-year-old consciousness, but either way, Paula would know she was loved and appreciated.

“Can Daddy go shopping with us?” Gabe asked.

Jesse hesitated. “He’ll buy his own presents for his mom.”

Gabe’s chin came up—a sure sign he was about to be stubborn. “I want Daddy to go shopping with us.”

Refusing would be so easy. She could say that Matt was busy and Gabe would never know the difference. Except that would be lying and she’d done her best to never lie to her son. But spending time with Matt?

She hurt every time she thought of him. Her heart ached and her body burned. She missed being around him, missed his touch, his laugh, the way he knew her, understood her. Telling herself that knowledge had allowed him to devastate her didn’t take away the fact that she still loved him.

“I’ll ask him,” she promised, knowing it was the right thing to do. Knowing she would get through it and hey, maybe even be stronger for it. She would ignore the fact that every time she was with him, another piece of her heart withered and died.