Talk to Strangers: How Everyday, Random Encounters Can Expand Your Business, Career, Income, and Life (15 page)

Chapter 28

Success—Desired Leverage Achieved!

Once you’ve made a favorable first impression and followed up with some kind of communication, you are moving the relationship toward full leverage. You have established your credibility, uncovered a basis for further conversation, and demonstrated that you are interested in further contact. Now it’s time to consummate the opportunity, materialize the leverage point, and monetize the relationship. This is where you materialize the connection. It’s where you “close the deal.”

You can proceed accordingly based on your new connection’s response. If you want the name of a contact in his or her company, now is the time to ask for it. If you’re seeking a chance to make a presentation or submit a proposal, now’s the time to arrange it. If you want to land a job interview, now’s the time to request it. Whatever your goal and desired outcome for the connection, now is your time to go for it.

When I called my association president friend to follow up after his board meeting, we of course started with pleasantries: How are things? How have you been? What’s new? From there I asked how the meeting went, whether he was able to present me as a possible speaker, and what the next steps should be.

“You’re 75 percent in,” he assured me. “They like your topic. Now I need an outline of your talk, a fee proposal, and a more complete bio.” Needless to say, I responded right away with the information he requested. From that point, we exchanged a series of phone conversations and e-mails, including some with the association staff, where we nailed down details of the event and my presentation. Three months later, I was standing in front of 150 association members sharing best practices for successful communication—and meeting the president of the national association, a connection that would doubtlessly lead to countless additional opportunities.

Chapter at a Glance

 

• Once the relationship is in place and a basis for working together has been identified, you are ready to “close” the opportunity.
  
 

 

• Focus your follow-up on the specific opportunity at hand.
  
 

 

• Give your new contact the information he or she wants and “ask for the order.”
  
 

Chapter 29

Be Google-ready

Timely and relevant follow-up to a random encounter will keep the momentum moving in the right direction and position you for a successful outcome. However, there’s more to the story. With the eye-popping, head-spinning growth of the Internet and its pivotal role as a repository of information about people’s personal and professional lives, managing one’s online presence has become an essential part of how we present ourselves to the world—and how others perceive us. The likelihood that the people you meet will check you out on the web is growing every day, especially if they have an initial interest in buying from, hiring, partnering with, investing in, or continuing to be involved with you for any other reason.

Your initial random encounter will allow you to establish your credibility, build the connection, pique interest in what you have to offer, and establish a basis for further contact. But even the best in-person random encounter can be undermined by a poor showing in a Google search once your new contact accesses the Internet after your meeting. There are countless reasons to manage your web personality, or what I call your “webonality,” and establishing legitimacy for yourself and whatever you represented in your initial encounter is at the top of the list. For better or worse, who you are online is who you are in life. And it is increasingly the case these days that if you don’t exist online, you simply
don’t exist
. To a large degree, a favorable online presence is a prerequisite for professional success. And it’s certainly true when used as a vetting tool for those you encounter randomly.

First and foremost, you want to be present online as someone whom others perceive as active and viable in the marketplace. If you don’t show up at all, or only minimally, your new contact is very likely to question whether you are for real. Fortunately, it’s easy to create a web presence by completing Google, LinkedIn, and Facebook profiles. These three main tools will give you basic online visibility and let you establish the fact that you actually
do
exist. And since you can control the information, you present yourself exactly as you want to.

You should ideally use the Internet to build and enhance your professional identity or brand. When taken to the next level, your online presence will go beyond these three basic profiles to exhibit your expertise, subject matter knowledge, achievements, accolades, and professional reputation.

For example, let’s say you are a salesperson for a particular company. A Google search of your name should display your product or service knowledge and recognize you for your industry or customer experience. If you are an independent consultant, you can elevate your status in your potential client’s eyes if a search of your name shows your subject matter expertise through links to articles in which you’ve been referenced, white papers you have written, or marketplace activity in which you were involved. The same would be true if you are in job transition; you will raise your value as a potential employee if online search results of your name differentiate you and convey your value proposition and unique attributes as a candidate.

Table 29.1
lists some key pieces of information and considerations for your online profiles that will help ensure a favorable impression by any new association who does a search of your name online.

Table 29.1
Building a Favorable Online Profile

For the most part, strangers will take you the way you present yourself when you first meet. Your ability to establish rapport, earn their respect, engage them in meaningful conversation, and create a basis for further contact will carry the initial encounter. But as the Internet plays a greater role in vetting us—and information about individuals becomes widely and easily accessible—it’s essential to establish a favorable online presence that reinforces and supports your in-person impression.

Chapter at a Glance

 

• Your new connection is likely to research you online after your initial encounter.
  
 

 

• Who you are online is a big part of who you are.
  
 

 

• Your web visibility and personality will either reinforce or diminish others’ perceptions of you.
  
 

 

• Build an online presence that is consistent with how you present yourself in person, and that supports and reinforces the way you want others to think of you.
  
 

SECTION IV

Gender-Neutral Random Connecting

As a male, I cannot claim to have walked the path—or for that matter, in the shoes—of a female random networker. However, I don’t have to be a social scientist to know that there are unique considerations when random connecting across genders. I’m all in favor of using one’s resources and tools to one’s advantage—in other words, going with the best of what you’ve got—so the matter of random connecting between the sexes warrants special attention.

It’s no secret that men and women see and think about the world differently. It’s built, and then programmed, into us. Not to mention, there is the vibrational energy of male versus female; there’s flirting energy, and there’s professional business energy. And if you’re a successful businesswoman or businessman, you surely know the difference, on both the giving and receiving ends. So although making random connections with complete strangers in any situation requires excellent interpersonal skills, those abilities are especially important when it comes to connecting across genders. I randomly connect with both men and women every day, because it is second nature for me to talk to strangers all the time—whether I’m in an elevator, at the grocery store checkout, waiting on a taxi line, or at any of the dozens of other day-to-day venues in which I find myself.

The electric frisson of meeting new people is the engine that drives my business. But I cannot claim expert status when it comes to making random business connections across the sexes. Sure, I have turned random encounters with women into profitable relationships, but since I can present only one side of the equation (that being decidedly male) with complete personal accuracy, I asked colleague, licensed social worker, and author Anne Driscoll to weigh in. Because Anne’s work has examined gender relations—and because she has a distinctly female perspective—her input on this subject is incredibly valuable.

Below is a question-and-answer interview with Anne on the subject of cross-gender random connecting.

Q. Why does it matter that women and men pay attention to their differences when attempting to make random connections?

A. We spend our days weaving in and out of social situations—meeting, greeting, and interacting—men with women, women with women, women with men, and men with men. So gender is an ever-present factor. But we often take little or no conscious notice of what gender it is with whom we’re relating. The truth is that, for the most part, it may matter very little whether or not the person who gets your coffee at Starbucks is a man or woman. However, it might matter a great deal when you’re sipping that coffee in a first-class seat next to a prospective new client—and for some very good reasons.

Although the gender factor is so closely integrated into everyday experience that we almost don’t pay it any mind, the fact is that men and women tend to see the world differently—and as such, potentially have distinct communication styles. Men and women are hardwired in dissimilar ways, a factor that deeply influences our interactions with and impressions of the world. And it can obviously have profound implications for our professional lives. Although it would be inaccurate to suggest that
all
men share certain traits and
all
women exhibit others, there is a growing body of research that demonstrates brain-based differences between boys and girls and between men and women.

Therefore, neglecting to pay attention to the differences between men’s and women’s communication styles can have some pretty dire consequences for random connecting. It can almost be as though two people who speak different languages are trying to communicate; not only won’t they be able to convey their thoughts, they might even offend each other if they aren’t careful. For example, women are generally (and I emphasize “generally,” because there are surely exceptions) more attuned to beauty and aesthetics whereas men are typically more oriented toward the practical side of things. If you’re a woman who wants to strike up a conversation with a man in an attempt to make a random business connection, you wouldn’t want to start by pointing out how beautiful something is; you would probably be better off commenting on its usefulness or practicality. In other words, women tend to look at the garden, men are more likely to look first at the garage.

Many of these ideas are controversial, and it’s understandable why. Since the birth of feminism, women have worked hard to prove that they are men’s equal, deserving of every opportunity that men routinely get. So in the name of equality in the workplace—and in all fairness—there are no differences between the capability of men and women. So although men and women deserve equal opportunities, it’s highly advisable for the random connector to recognize the differences in their
communication
styles and approaches to the world.

Q. So what are some of those differences men and women need to keep in mind when random connecting?

A. Women and men have varying filters in how they see the world. These are many and significant. For example, according to author and well-respected gender expert Michael Gurian, males are more likely to use deductive reasoning, whereas females tend toward inductive thinking. Therefore, if you are a woman and happen to share a cab with a prospective male client, you might pitch your capabilities with deductive rationale. And if you’re a male talking to a female about her line of work, you might ask about her favorite parts of the job, rather than how she climbed the corporate ladder at her company.

By and large, research shows that women are better listeners, feel more comfortable in discussions, and are more intuitive than men. Studies have also found that females write, read, and speak more words than males, on average. So although it would be okay to take a longer route to your point if you are following up a random encounter with a woman through an e-mail, you should probably get directly to the point if you’re communicating with a male.

Perhaps the most striking difference in communication styles between men and women is that women pay more attention to the emotional context of a conversation, whereas men tend to focus on facts and figures. Interestingly, we develop this emphasis over a lifetime, beginning at birth. In fact, one University of Cambridge study found that if 12-month-old boys are given the choice between watching people talking or windshield wipers moving, they tend to prefer the flapping wipers! Research went on to show that newborn girls are far better able to maintain eye contact than boys—another important difference to keep in mind later in life as we interact across genders as adults.

This generally points to a tendency for women to be more adept at reading and responding to social situations. That means men need to pay special attention to their interpersonal communication skills when interacting with a woman, whereas they may not need to work as hard at it when talking with another man.

Renowned psychologist Daniel Goleman has spent his career investigating emotional intelligence and says that overall women have the edge when it comes to self-awareness, management of emotions, empathy, and social skills.

However, men can be proficient in this area as well—and interestingly, the
men
who have these social skills and emotional intelligence tend to be the highest achievers.

Much of this area of research is unfolding, and many members of this field are still debating and defining the extent to which certain tendencies are innate or learned. In either case, there are differences, and wise is the random connector who gives them careful consideration.

So why is it important? Although it may not be necessary to become an expert on brain-based gender differences in order to land a profitable new association, you are likely to make more—and better—random connections if you become more aware of how men and women operate.

Q. What are some of those differences men and women need to keep in mind when random connecting?

A. Women and men have different filters through how they see and engage in the world—differences that are many and significant. For example, according to Michael Gurian, male brains are more likely to follow a logical line of thinking that suggests “if A, then B.” Females, on the other hand, tend toward intuitive thinking; they reach a conclusion based on observing generalities.

It’s my theory that women tend toward intuition because they’re very much focused on relationships—between both people and things. An engineer friend told me recently that he was networking at a conference and found himself the sole man talking to an elite group of women executives. “It was fascinating, like being part of an inner society—they talked about their clothing, kids, and closets,” he recalled. He picked up on those cues and became aware that in order to be in rapport with them, he had to tailor his conversation to theirs. He steered away from sports talk and instead discussed topics he knew would interest them, based on his experiences with his wife and daughters. For the same reason, he said that he would frame his conversation differently if he were to make a presentation in a random encounter for the encryption software his company sells depending on whether he was talking to a man or a woman. He’d plead a straightforward case with a man; perhaps by trying to persuade him that since his company is the leading provider of encryption programming to the government, the prospect’s company would get more government certifications by using his company’s software.

On the other hand, if he were randomly connecting with and trying to sell the same product to a woman, he’d probably emphasize relationship building. He’d likely suggest to her that the strategic relationships she has with vendors is essential and that since both his company and hers make complementary products, a small project would be a great way to pilot the relationship, and then just go from there.

Q. As a woman, what would you recommend that men do—or not do—when attempting to connect with you?

A. If you are approaching me, keep in mind that I am not your girlfriend, mother, sister, or wife. I am also not a prospective date, so lines you might practice in a bar are not likely to work with me—and even worse, may completely turn me off. Therefore, your tone of voice, your body language, and your conversation should convey the intention of what and why you’re initiating the contact—and that is to make a
professional
connection.

Although many men may not realize this, even the strongest, most capable, most confident women can sometimes feel an undercurrent of vulnerability. Women are programmed from birth to be cautious and to protect themselves. This is something men don’t think about as much, and have to constantly keep in mind when interacting with a woman, especially in random encounter situations. Women have to remain alert to risk and danger; it’s something with which women must live daily. They know, for example, the inherent riskiness of walking alone on a street at night or being alone in a parking garage—things to which men might not give a second thought. Men need to be mindful of this outlook and make their communication clear, safe, and comfortable at all times.

However, nature has compensated for any limits women have in terms of physical prowess with—you got it—heightened emotional intelligence. And men would be well advised to keep in mind that women are generally adept at reading social situations and understanding a conversation’s emotional context. Therefore, whenever a male approaches a woman he doesn’t know, no matter what the circumstances, he should keep his tone neutral and nonthreatening and his demeanor professional and respectful. It’s fine to be chatty and informal, but steer clear of anything too personal or intrusive. For example, let’s say you’re a man who is random connecting with a woman in a travel venue. Although it might be completely harmless to ask another man where he’s staying, asking a woman that same question could raise red flags and hamper the conversation.

One of the ways that men can increase their chances of creating a nonthreatening interaction is by mirroring—simply reflecting back the tone, affect, and body language of the woman. For example, if a woman is sitting at a table, try to get at her eye level; this will probably create more comfort and rapport and therefore lead to a more successful conversation. And keep in mind that the same is true for women approaching men: mirroring is the grease of social interaction.

Q. What should women do—and not do—when they’re trying to random connect with man?

A. Just as a man needs to keep his conversation on point when connecting with a woman, so too does a woman when approaching a man. If the goal is to uncover and advance business opportunities, women need to initiate conversation with men in a friendly, but not flirty, way. Women should avoid anything that smacks of sexual innuendo and keep the talk comfortable but professional. Be aware of body language that might be misinterpreted as flirtatious, such as playing with your hair, licking your lips, or touching a man’s arm.

Just as men need to be mindful of how women experience the world, women should also be mindful of how men perceive the world and their communication styles. A touch on the arm could be easily misinterpreted by a man, leading in a direction the woman does not want to go.