Teach Me To Live (Teach Me - Book One) (23 page)

“Oh,” I breathed, feeling as though I were literally melting from the inside out.

His voice deepened even more. It was so impossibly deep; I felt the rumble in my marrow. “Do you feel me? Do you feel my heart beating in your chest?”

“Yes,” I whispered because I could.

“I can feel you too,” he spoke against my ear. “Inside me.”

In this moment, with his heart and mine thundering together, I could barely distinguish the thrumming of his heart and mine. In this moment, I have never felt so impossibly close to another soul, another body, another life. It was an experience that was so enchanting it could almost be described as otherworldly. Beautiful. Perfection.

We weren’t connected, but I still couldn’t tell where I ended and he began. I could feel his heart beating inside my chest and I could feel his chest rising and falling into my own with his every breath. This was a rhythm of lovers of the purest kind. This wasn’t lust or hunger. This was a connection of two bodies in a way I never imagined, for even a moment, that two bodies could connect. This was unexplainable.

I wanted to tell him so badly in this moment, that I loved him.

I wanted to tell Austin that I was
in
love with him. So desperately in love with him.

I settled for the next best declaration. “I really love heart hugs.”

I felt his body rock against my own with a sharp kind of laughter. It moved over my body, and through my body, caressing every inch of me. “Me too, sweetheart.”

“That girl is in love with you, Austin.” Mom announced bluntly as I shoveled a forkful of thick sweetened pancakes into my mouth. I chewed quickly, knowing if I dared to speak to her with my mouth this full, she’d whack me on the top of my hand with her own fork. That thing was sticky with syrup and I wasn’t taking the chance. She continued, knowing she had me at a disadvantage. “She deserves to know. You’ve been seeing her for a month now. You need to get it out in the open. It’s not fair to keep this from her.”

I swallowed, struggling with the sudden dryness coating my throat. “Mom,” I coughed. “Can we not do this?”

“I understand what you’re afraid of, Austin, but you can’t keep on pretending that it’s fine keeping her in the dark like this.” She shook her head, her eyes pleading with me to do what was right. “She’s not Chloe. She won’t react the same way.”

“Mom,” my voice was loud and my chest felt tight. I gripped it and her eyes fell to my hand, filling with worry. I dropped my hand instantly and lowered my voice. “She’s the only thing I need right now. She’s given me so much—energy. I need this with her. I need her. I can’t tell her now and risk losing her.”

Dad walked into the kitchen then moving instantly to the coffee pot. “Madison’s his wish, Gracie. He has one wish and she’s it. Let him have it.”

Her eyes welled with tears now and I felt my throat constrict as my heart kicked in my chest. I lowered my eyes to the table as I felt Kaiden’s glare drilling into me. Raising my head, I promised. “Give me August with her. I’ll tell her as soon as August is over.”

“Do you promise?” Mom asked softly, shakily. “She’ll want to know.”

“Promise,” I stood from the table even though it was Sunday and we always had breakfast at Mom and Dads on Sunday. Today, however, I wasn’t hungry. I muttered, “It all ends in August.”

I started walking for the front door. “Austin!” Mom’s voice followed me through the door and out into the warm summer morning.

I kept walking.

I kept walking even when I heard the door open and heavy footfalls chasing after me. I knew without looking that Kaiden was hot on my trail. I didn’t want to talk to him either, but I couldn’t do much more than the walking I was already doing. Unlike me, if Kaiden ran, as I knew he would to catch up to me, he wouldn’t lose his breath in a matter of seconds. He wouldn’t feel as though his lungs were going to deflate and he wouldn’t hurt. He could run for hours and not feel a fucking thing but exertion. Not me. I couldn’t do that.

I hadn’t been able to do that since I was sixteen years old and on the track team in high school. That was the last year that everything was normal. That was when everything was perfect and I had a future. A real future to look forward to. I had a girlfriend who meant the world to me. I had Chloe. She was kind and pretty and funny and sweet. She was also delicate and when shit hit the fan shortly after I turned seventeen, she ran.

Just like I feared Madison would.

Because who wants to be with someone who is dying?

That’s right, I’m dying.

Not a damn thing can be done about it either. I have lung cancer. I’m terminal. Did you know that only one percent of people who are diagnosed terminal live five years past their diagnosis? Yeah, neither did I, until I heard the words spoken from the doctor in the small white room. Even then, though, I didn’t register those words. How does one register those words when their Mom crumbled into their father’s arms in a horrifically loud sob that exists somewhere between a cry and a scream? How does one register those words shortly after they turn seventeen, when they have so much left to live, to accomplish, to experience? How does one accept the fact that they have a one percent chance of living five years past their diagnosis? One doesn’t.

I was diagnosed in October, a week after I turned seventeen.

It all started with odd chest pains and an abnormal shortness of breath. I had breath to last for days. Dad used to say I was a hot air balloon and I loved every second of it. I loved running. I’d been doing it since I was little and I was the star of the high school track team.
I loved running . . .

Until I couldn’t do it anymore.

I was given two years to live, four years ago, this October.

I was running on borrowed time. The doctors knew it. My parent’s knew it. My brother knew it and I knew it.

Science says I should be dead.

Mom thinks it’s a miracle that I’m still alive.

I think I was waiting for her . . .

I think she is my purpose. I think loving her, and having her love me, is what it’s always been about. All of this, the cancer, being terminal, it has given me an outlook on life that most don’t have. I don’t
exist.
I don’t do what I should do when I should do it. I’m free and I live like I know I’m free.

In the beginning, I tried to fight it. I tried to prolong it all with chemo treatments, but that was just a waste of my time. I stopped. I accepted it and I was ready to die. I lived every day like it was going to be my last. I loved and I laughed and I accepted that any day could be the final.

But that final day has yet to come. I’m under no delusion that it won’t come. I know it will. Especially now that I have her.

I can sense it deep in my soul that she is my purpose, and my purpose here on earth is coming to a close. Everything I have done in my life, every pain, and anger, and desperation, has led me to her. This is where I am supposed to be. I was always supposed to see her that day in the coffee shop. I was always supposed to act completely out of character and ink my number on her skin. I was always supposed to teach her that life isn’t about being what others need or want you to be, but that it’s about being who you are. It’s about living.

I was always supposed to be the one to teach her to live.

I’ve accepted that. But I haven’t accepted the fact that I know I have to tell her. I can’t lose her even though I sense my time is nearing its grand finale. Even though I’m okay with it, I’m scared. I’m not scared of dying. That’s been a long time coming. What I’m terrified of is losing her. I’m terrified of hurting her and leaving her.

When I’m gone, who will comfort her?

I’m just not ready yet. But I promised by the end of August—it will all come to an end. And it will.

I can sense it. I could sense it before my mother said anything this morning. The end is near.

Kaiden reached for my arm, tugging me around to look at him. It was then that I realized where we were. I’d walked to the river and Kaiden had followed. He’d been here for me since it all blew up. The moment my life was no longer promised; I mean whose life is promised? But the moment mine came with a definite end date, he put his own on hold. Kaiden had always wanted to move to Calgary with Raina when she’d gone to study in University there. Kai is three years older than me, so when I had my diagnosis, he was planning his future. Raina was already registered and even though he’d pulled out, she’d left. I was happy that she left and I had wanted him to go as well, but he never did. It killed me to know that he let her go because of me. Raina had always been it for Kai. She was his best friend and although I knew it was more than that between them, nothing had ever come of their feelings. Both of them were stubborn that way. It was sad because they had the opportunity to live for years. They had the chance of a long forever together and they were wasting it out of what? Fear?

We all grew up together, me, Kai and Raina. Our Mom’s are best friends, and ever since I could remember, Raina had always been around. I sensed she felt the loss of Kai in her life, but for me, and Kai, she never let it show. She believed I needed Kai and she knew he needed to be here for me even though I would have been fine without my big brother.

Still, though, Kai stayed with me the whole time. He got me into mechanics with Dad and had been a big part of making my last years something to be proud to say I had lived. I was grateful to my brother. But I still wanted him to live the life I couldn’t.

“Austin,” he sounded stressed. “You hurt Mom back there.”

“I know,” I sighed. Because, shit, I knew.

“I get it, that she means a lot to you, but . . .”

“I love her, Kai.” I said and he froze. Kaiden wasn’t about telling people, especially chicks, that he loved them. I’m pretty sure the only girl he’s capable of loving is Raina. And even she hasn’t been given those words from him. He knew this was serious. He knew I was serious. But damn it—he had to understand. For me, he had to understand.

I loved Madison and I didn’t have a long forever with her. I had now. I had whatever time God intended to give me with her and I had to make it worth it. I had to own the moments I had with her and make them all that they could be. They were a gift. She was a parting gift to me from heaven above. She was my purpose.

She was my dying wish.

“You love her.” He repeated and I watched as he sat down on a large rock, staring out over the river.

I moved to sit beside my big brother. “Yeah, Kai, I do.”

“How do you know?” He asked after a long silence where he did nothing but toss pebbles into the flowing water.

“I just do,” I tossed a pebble into a rolling current.

“Did you love Chloe?”

“As much as a seventeen year old kid can love his first real girlfriend,” I laughed. “She was sweet and she made me laugh. I cared about her, but what I feel for Madison is different.”

“How?” He asked again.

I took a moment to think about the answer I would give to him. I needed him to understand what I felt for Madison, not only for me, but for him. I had a feeling that if he was able to understand my love of someone else, he might then understand the love he holds in his heart for Raina. I want him to take from life all that it’s worth, and a big part of life, is loving, and being loved in return.

“The first time I saw Madison, I lost my breath. And yet, I felt as though I were drinking in air. She feels like life to me even though she has no idea how to live the days she’s been given.” I smiled, because just thinking of her brought me happiness. “I fell in love with her the very first time I saw her, but I knew I loved her the first time she let me kiss her. It was like I was exploring a whole new world and coming home at the very same time.” Kaiden was staring at the water with a darkness in his eyes that told me he was struggling with my words, so I pushed on. “She makes me laugh even when I feel like I’m going to break. She makes me want to be strong even when the odds are against me. She makes me forget everything bad just by laughing. The sound of her laughter,” I shook my head. “Fucking music to me, Kai.”