The Alpha and the Omega: An absurd philosophical tale about God, the end of the world, and what's on the other planets (23 page)

“Most of the kids at school didn’t. My aunt raised me after that, and whenever she picked me up from something, everyone just assumed that she was my mom. Of course, she essentially was, because she did everything for me.
Including
, Lilly, teaching me right from wrong and taking me to church every day.”

“Every day sounds like a lot.”

“It was the only way that we could make sense of what happened. God had a plan, everything happened for a reason, and someday I would see my parents again in Heaven. But then there you were in school trying to destroy my entire world. You acted like you were just so much smarter and superior, and like I was so stupid for believing what I believed.”

“Debbie, I’m so sorry, I never realized any of that. Please forgive me.”

“Of course, if you can forgive me. I know I gave it right back to you. And to be honest, I always kind of knew that you were right about the whole prayers before football games thing, even before I went to law school.”

“Haha, right. Hey, I have a question though. After law school, why did you become a public defender? I would have thought that you would want to be a prosecutor so that you could put more people like that drunk driver behind bars.”

“Because I believe in forgiveness and second chances. This might come as a shock, but my aunt and I actually visited that drunk driver in prison pretty frequently.”

“Really?!”

“Yes, all throughout my teen years. We helped him find God. It gave us peace, and it helped him resist joining a gang. By the time he got out, he was a different man. He went to work within the juvenile prison system helping troubled kids get back on the right track, and when Heaven came to Earth, he made it in.”

“That’s so great Debbie, it must have felt so good to see that.”

“It did. And that whole idea is the reason why I became a public defender. Some of these people who do such terrible things never had anyone to teach them right from wrong. They grow up in poverty, with bad parents, and then, after making just one stupid mistake, they find themselves up against the entire will of the state without any money to hire a defense attorney and nowhere else to turn to. It’s people like that who need the
most
help.”

“You know Debbie, I think that you and I have a lot more in common than we ever realized when we were in school together.”

“Well, there’s a lot you miss when you leave your hometown to go to college in New York, Ms. Big Shot! Haha.”

“Debbie, I’m sorry that I ruined your prayer at the Sea of Galilee. You deserved that moment. It was a really big deal, and I took that away from you.”

“Please, I’ve already forgiven you for that.”

“Debbie, you don’t have to stay here any longer for me. There’s no need for you to suffer too.”

“No Lilly, I’m serious about helping Limbo, especially after I found out that some of my former clients are here.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. That was hard to take at first. God told me that one of them is going to be reborn as a slave in Sork’s palace!”

Lilly bit her lip.

“Her name was Cynthia. I was trying her possession case the
very afternoon
that God first appeared to everyone. He interrupted my closing argument! I thought I was dreaming, but when I saw that Cynthia had vanished from
the courtroom, I woke up pretty quickly. I begged God to reconsider, but he said that she wouldn’t be able to control herself around all the drugs in Heaven.”

“Wow.”

“The only reason I didn’t come here and volunteer sooner was because I was spending time with my parents… well, that and coming to terms with the fact that I can’t be a parent myself, at least not in Heaven. Helping clients or Limbeans means the world to me, but I want a family someday too. I want to be a mom.”

“Debbie, that’s exactly what I’ve been wrestling with.”

“Yeah, I guess nothing’s perfect, not even in Heaven.”

“Hmmm. Debbie, you should go. Your feet are bleeding, and your skin is blistering. You can come back down and volunteer later; I’m sure there will be much more work to be done in the months and years ahead.”

“Lilly –”

“No Debbie, you don’t have to go to Sorkium. You weren’t a Church leader. It’s important for Father Kai, Zack, Lucky, and myself to be there with the villagers when they meet their fate, but you don’t have to go.”

“But maybe I can help somehow.”

“Debbie, there’s nothing you can do, please go.”

“Thank you.”

“HALT!” cried one of the soldiers. “We got another dead one!”

“These Makains are weak!” Kerberus yelled, riding quickly to the spot. “Adjust the chains! Move the water!” he barked. “Make haste, we have more ground to cover yet before nightfall!”

The soldiers worked, and Kerberus stared at Lilly like a dog eyeing a juicy steak. Then, after they removed Debbie’s chains and backpack, Kerberus piloted his best friend toward Debbie’s once exuberant, radiant shell and bid the beast to take his delight. “Leave nothing for the vultures,” he commanded, turning his gaze back toward Lilly. The hell hound happily obeyed, and Kerberus patiently waited, his eyes furiously fixed on Heaven’s most stimulating ambassador.

“Onward!” Kerberus shouted, when the dog was done.

The death train chugged once more, and Kerberus decided that the time had finally come to introduce himself. “Hello my kitten,” he said, with a smile wider than the sky, “you do realize that you will have to convert to Sorkanity when we reach our destination, don’t you?”

“What’s Sorkanity?” Lilly asked.

“Why, that’s the official religion of the Empire.”

“I would never.”

“Oh, don’t say that until you’ve at least heard what it’s all about. You might like it.”

Lilly said nothing.

“Oh come now. Aren’t you going to ask me more? Please ask me to tell you more.”

Lilly looked away.

“That’s ok, I like a challenge. This will be fun! Sorkanity has two basic precepts. The first, is that anyone who converts automatically goes to Heaven. You don’t have to do or be anything at all. No matter what kind of life you led or what you choose to do afterwards, you get to go to Heaven just for speaking the words ‘I convert to Sorkanity.’ The
second
precept – and I know you’ll appreciate this one – is that
women have no say in whom they marry. The decision is made by a woman’s father, chieftain, and future husband. This tenet, as you might imagine, is especially popular with
men
throughout the Empire! Hahaha. Now that, my kitten, is a religion!”

“No it’s not,” Lilly said, “it’s completely wrong.”

“To the contrary, Sorkanity is a paragon. Wherever it is introduced, it spreads quickly, widely, and deeply throughout the land.”

“So do viruses.”

“Viruses? Is that more Makain gibberish?”

“No, it means that your religion is evil.”

“Again, I must protest my dear. Sorkanity helped Sork and I consolidate and maintain our power.”

“But it’s a lie. Your precepts are false.”

“Of course they are! My oh my, what is it with you Makains? You are all so innocent that sometimes I almost believe it myself when you say that you come from another world! Religion’s virtue is not truth, but control. Control over the people… control over their hearts and minds! Sorkanity and Makaism are equal falsehoods, but Sorkanity is superior because it is more effective at manipulating people. That, my kitten, is why you are in chains, and I am not.”

“We’ll see about that.”

“Yes, we shall indeed. But do not fret. No one is going to force you to be a wife. Rather, you will be more a… pet, I would say.”

“Never.”

“Oh yes, very much so, my kitten. I will feed you, play with you… teach you tricks.”

“I’ll scratch your fucking eyes out if you touch me! I’m from Brooklyn asshole!”

“Be still my heart! I love it when they struggle.”

That night, Zack, Klatu, and Santanodis lay awake, waiting, while the other prisoners slept. “First,” Zack whispered, “we’ll need to get a map so that we can find Sorkium. We’ll also need weapons and tools. At some point along the way, we’re going to have to negotiate with the soldiers for more money, or maybe even steal some.”

“How are we going to steal some?” Klatu asked. “We’re not thieves.”

“Well maybe we can steal some peyote then. You know, hide it in our clothes or something.”

“Ok shhhhh!” Klatu said. “Look! That could be him!”

A soldier approached with a slight bounce in his step that revealed his membership in the night’s excitement, and they could barely contain themselves. It was not the same soldier that had come to them the night before, as this man was obviously larger, but nevertheless, he came bearing a gift – a brown, quart-sized cloth bag, which he placed into Zack’s hands. The soldier made no sound at all, and his body, face, and hair were completely hidden inside a dark hooded-cloak.

“Is the key in here?” Zack whispered.

The hood nodded up and down. Then the soldier behind it slowly backed up.

Zack reached in to grab the key and was assaulted by a cool, gooey wetness. “Huh?” he said, forgetting to whisper. He retrieved his hand and saw that it was covered in yellowish slime. Then he hurriedly turned the bag inside out,
pouring its gelatinous contents onto the sand. His eyes and fingers probed the gory mix of yellow goo and little green organs, but to Zack’s horror, they did not encounter any key. This was Zack’s penance for engaging Kerberus on the fourth day.

“Oh ho ho ho! A ha ha ha!” Kerberus removed his hood and giggled like a sixth grader that had just watched his math teacher slip and fall on a banana peel.

Then three other soldiers emerged from the shadows behind them, cackling like hyenas, and the old-timer that had planted the seed for the prank the previous night gave the prisoners a deep bow. “
Where to Makains?
” he asked in a whiny, comical tone.

“You pulled it off you old son of a bitch!” Kerberus said, clapping loudly. “Oh… it was almost too perfect! Tell me, my little runaways, did you think you were actually going to get away? I can just imagine it. You thought you’d sell the peyote, buy provisions, and maybe…
juuuuust
maybe, if everything worked out as planned, you would journey to Sorkium and
you
, yes
you
, would be the ones who would kill
me
. Ha! Oh tell me that you thought that. Please tell me that you did! I live for these little moments, I truly do.”

Zack looked around and noticed that by now, many of the other prisoners were awake as well. “Laugh now,” Zack said, “but the joke will be on you in the next life.” He turned to Klatu and Santanodis for support, but Klatu, crestfallen, hung his head like a dead flower, and Santanodis looked at Zack like he hated him even more than he hated Kerberus.

“Tell me,” Kerberus started again, “would the joke have been better if the bag were filled with dog crap? See, my men here said dog crap, but I said golligan guts!”

None of them answered.

“Tell me, which one would have better shown you what pathetic human garbage you are?” He started to look frustrated. “Huh?!” he screamed, smacking Zack in the face with the back of his hand.

Better give him what he wants, Zack thought. “Golligan guts were worse,” he answered truthfully. “I like animals.”

The soldiers erupted in laughter.

“BFFFFFFFFFF!” went Kerberus.

“Faggot!” taunted one of the others.

“What a pussy!” remarked the one that they had mistaken for their savior.

“Why… why…” Kerberus struggled to get out the words, “… you’re not even a man!” He howled with laughter. “He’s not even a man!”

The other prisoners’ invisible eyes and inaudible judgments were singeing, even through the darkness, and Zack had just one request for his maker. Please God, he thought, don’t let Lilly be awake to see this. Please.

“Now,” said Kerberus, more seriously, “how did I fool him?”

The other three soldiers gathered around eagerly; Kerberus was going to hold court.

“How did I lift this gentle animal lover’s spirits to such Olympic heights, only to pound them back into the sand?”

The soldiers dared not venture an answer, lest it be wrong, or worse yet, correct, in which case it would steal Kerberus’s thunder.

“My lieutenants,” Kerberus said, “every man, from the rich peyote fields of the north, to the unbroken badlands of the south… from the glittering imperial cities of Sorkdom,
to the remote villages of the mystical shamans… every man has this one fatal weakness: he is all too willing to believe that he is smarter than his foe. This tender golligan coddler was so sure that he was smarter than I, that when it appeared that I could not control even my own troops, he accepted it without question. He was sure that my ethos, which was in direct contradiction to his, was the weaker, and that my soldiers’ disloyalty was the result of that weakness, and at the same time, his opportunity to strike. It fit his worldview, his reality. The thought that it might be a trick and that I was really outsmarting him never even crossed his mind!”

Zack said nothing. Everything Kerberus was saying was true, and he was ashamed.

“So unshakable was his conviction, that he overlooked not only the aberrant manner in which the ‘key’ was delivered to him, but even the aberrant size of the deliverer!” Kerberus pointed his thumbs at his chest proudly. “Do you see? All you need do is feign weakness and offer an opportunity to exploit it, and the trap is set. If it served my interests, I could have sent golligan lover anywhere I wanted to do my bidding…
without chains!
Remember this lesson men, we will use it many times in our travels.”

“Ay, thank you,” said one of the soldiers.

“A most wise lesson!” exclaimed another.

“Your insight is rivaled only by your ferocity in battle,” said the old-timer.

Then, finally, much to Zack’s relief, the soldiers turned and started for their tents. “He’s not even a man,” Kerberus said as they disappeared into the night, resuming their laughter. “Not even a man.”

The march continued. The soldiers denied the prisoners rest and water completely, as they were nearing their goal, and the seventh day was pure hell. Zack’s sandals were gone, and the hot ground burned his feet, now covered in blisters, with every step he took. His head, throat, and stomach pulsated like they would pop, and his lower back was twisted so badly that he was pretty sure he would be unable to stand straight even without the backpack. His body, mind, will, and spirit were all crushed, and he was pretty sure that the same was true of the rest of his companions.