The Anal Sex Position Guide (3 page)

It’s common for people to get nervous when it comes to bringing up a new desire or fantasy with his or her partner, especially one that is considered out of the ordinary. If you’re not sure how your partner might react to the idea of anal pleasure, introduce it in a neutral setting, away from the bedroom. Put the idea out there in a general, nonthreatening way with a conversation starter such as, “I read in a magazine that anal sex is more popular than ever. What do you think about that?” This leaves the topic wide open for discussion and allows your partner to talk about it in a general way first. Listen to what your partner has to say and gauge his or her response before you get more specific about your own curiosity.

If you’ve talked about the subject in general ways before, and you’re now ready to translate your chat into some action, you can be more direct about what you want by sharing a particular fantasy or telling your partner you want to try something new. One woman who wanted to let her husband know she was interested in exploring anal play found a steamy erotic story that prominently featured anal sex. She read the story to him at bedtime, and before she got to the last page, he got the message!

When you do let your partner know, emphasize that it’s a topic open for discussion, ask for his or her opinion, and listen without judgment. One way to try out anal sex without actually doing it is to talk about it during sex. While you are in the throes of passion, describe an anal sex fantasy to your partner. Use your imagination to fill in the details and just say what comes to mind. It can be something specific you want to do to her or have him do to you. Or your story might not even involve you at all, but be a tale about other people. Notice how your body reacts as you tell the tale or listen to it: what excites you, what turns you off, how the whole thing makes you feel. If dirty storytelling isn’t your cup of tea, then you can look at some photos in a magazine or watch a movie together that features anal sex. The images can help you get comfortable with the idea and may provide some inspiration as well.

Some partners are open to sexual experimentation and adventure and will jump at the chance to try something new. Others may be more hesitant about exploring anal eroticism, and some may be downright hostile. If your partner reacts in a strongly negative way, listen to him or her and validate these feelings. If your partner rejects the very notion right off the bat, respectfully ask why. Approach him or her with kindness and generosity, and allow room to be honest without judgment. Once you have a better idea of the root of the person’s turn-off, you can address the underlying issues.

For example, some women have had a negative experience with anal penetration in the past and don’t want to have one again; most bad experiences involve painful anal sex. In these cases, give a woman the opportunity to share her story (if she feels comfortable), listen to her, and give her your support. Then let her know that you have no interest in hurting her, only in bringing her pleasure. See if she’s open to the idea of giving it another try and reassure her that you’ll go slowly, use plenty of lube, respect her boundaries, and let her stop whenever she wants.

Those who’ve never tried anal sex may also have worries and fears that prevent them from even considering it. Women may be scared of potential pain; maybe they heard that it’s going to hurt or it always hurts. Again, reassure her that anal sex can be a sexy, pain-free experience and you’re dedicated to making it just that! Similarly, some people believe that it’s a dangerous activity that will cause permanent damage to their bodies. Just because you want to put things up your butt doesn’t mean you’re headed into the land of adult diapers! The few cases I’ve heard of where anal penetration led to serious problems always involved drug use and irresponsible practices such as no lubrication, no warm up, or the introduction of foreign objects.
As long as you go slowly, use lube and appropriate toys, you will not harm your body or your partner’s. When you engage in anal penetration, you learn how to relax and control your sphincter muscles. Contrary to common myths, you are not stretching out those muscles, loosening them, or damaging them. In fact, when you learn to use and relax the muscles, you will tone them and increase circulation to the entire region, which could lead to a much healthier ass all around!

Your partner may believe that anal sex is deviant, kinky, or abnormal. Let her know you’ve done some research, and share with her what you learned in the previous chapter about the physical and psychological aspects of it. If you’re the one feeling strange about anal sex, consider that the ass is an erogenous zone like many others. It’s incredibly sensitive and feels really good when it’s stimulated in lots of different ways. The rectum has the ability to expand when aroused, making penetration not only possible, but pleasurable. It’s good and healthy to challenge the messages that society gives us about what’s normal and what’s not when it comes to sexuality. There is no one sex act between consenting adults that is more “normal” than any other; sexual activities are like options on a menu. Some things you like to have all the time, others on special occasions. Some foods you eat only when you’re really in the mood, and others you just don’t care for. Anal sex is a choice on the menu, and you’re free to choose it (or not) whenever you like.

Maybe your partner is concerned about hygiene and fears anal sex will be a messy, unpleasant experience. There’s plenty of information about hygiene and preparation in the next chapter that can help her better understand how it all works and put her mind at ease. Additionally, you or your partner may be concerned about the relationship of anal sex and sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Unprotected anal sex can put both partners at risk for STIs and is safe only if you and your partner have tested negative for all STIs and are in a monogamous relationship. If that’s not the case, you should use condoms and other safer sex practices to protect yourself and your partner.

Ultimately, it’s important for both partners to share all of their worries and fears before any experimenting begins. Putting all the anxieties, no matter how irrational, on the table will give you the chance to process your feelings, talk through your issues, and ask questions. When you replace some of the common myths and misinformation with facts, it will help to calm your fears and give you confidence to take the next step.

Consent is the first step in all sexual encounters, but some couples who’ve been together for a long time can take this significant component of sex for granted. When you approach your partner with a new idea or fantasy, it’s important to give him or her the time and space to think about it, voice concerns, ask for compromise, and make a decision. You should never pressure or coerce someone to do something sexual that they don’t want to do. You shouldn’t ignore their concerns or push them to agree to something. And you should never introduce anal sex by trying to “slip it in” without asking. That’s just impolite and stupid! Likewise, if your partner asks you to do something, you should not feel obligated to do it just because you’re in a relationship, nor should you feel bad or guilty for saying no. You shouldn’t go through with it just to please your partner if you really don’t want to do it.

Basically, everyone needs to be on the same page about anal pleasure for it to be a healthy, positive, pleasurable experience. If one of you has reservations, unresolved fears, or doubt, neither of
you will have a good time. Chances are, if you’re the receptive partner and you’re not into it, your ass will let you know by being tense and the experience will be very uncomfortable. So make sure you and your partner are in agreement before your anal exploration begins.

The talking shouldn’t end when the anal pleasure begins! Opening up the lines of communication will help open up your butt, trust me. The partner on the receiving end of the anal penetration should always be the one who calls the shots; the giver should listen and follow his or her lead. The more information and feedback the receiver relays to the giver, the more confident the giver will feel in what he or she is doing.

Some people may feel hesitant about giving their partners directions in the bedroom; they don’t want to appear bossy, demanding, or critical of what someone is already doing. You need to get over that quickly if you want to be able to have truly good sexual communication. Lovers who speak up about what they want and need are one step closer to getting it. Lovers who listen to directions and welcome help and advice are much more likely to give their partners what they want. It’s a win-win situation!

Newcomers to anal play should be talking up a storm, since they’re exploring virgin territory. If you’re the “doer,” ask your partner how she feels and what she likes. Try out a different technique, get feedback, then try another to get a sense of what works best. Ask before you proceed to the next step, whatever it is (another finger, a bigger toy, intercourse). Listen to what she says as well as sensing how her body responds to what you’re doing.

If you’re the one getting done, be specific with your partner. Would you like the thrusting to be a little slower, a little faster, somewhere in between? Do you want to feel deeper penetration or have him back out a little? How does the angle feel, is he hitting your G-spot indirectly? Would you prefer the movement to be harder, gentler, or is it just right? Do you need more clitoral stimulation, some nipple play, or your hair pulled? Don’t be afraid to speak up! And, if everything feels perfect, well, you can say that, too.

It’s also helpful to offer follow-up feedback after the sweat has dried and you’ve come out of your post-orgasmic haze. Maybe you forgot to point something out in the heat of the moment. Perhaps you really loved that naughty comment your partner whispered in your ear right before you had an orgasm. Or one position really felt better than another. No need to keep this crucial information to yourself! The more you share with each other, the more you can store up in your brains to make the next anal adventure even hotter!

ANAL PLAY REQUIRES
some preparation, mainly on the recipient’s part, which is why it’s not the most ideal sexual activity for a spontaneous quickie. Sure, unplanned anal romps happen and plenty of times all goes well without any forethought. But, if you’re going to explore anal pleasure, some preparation beforehand will go a long way toward making the experience more comfortable for both of you.