The Art and Craft of Approaching Your Head of Department to Submit a Request for a Raise (3 page)

for the day after or even better wait until the end of lent we will not entertain the nonetheless quite plausible eventuality given your state of extreme agitation that
you
swallowed a fish bone that’s something you would have to deal with on your own the best solution is to eat a piece of soft white bread it’s a traditional remedy but it’s proved invaluable over time just ask your head of department let us rather assume that eggs were on the menu it’s one or t’other either the eggs were off or the eggs were not off if they were not off then the red spots you can see on the face of your head of department must have another cause perhaps measles but if they were in such a state of maturity (the eggs, i mean) as to give grounds to fear that all who had the weakness to consume them are now suffering an onset of food poisoning and if your head of department was one among such wait at least until the next day unless it is really bad in which case you have to wait either until the end of lent or for your head of department to get over it completely which could take a few days or weeks or months or until his successor has been appointed with which successor you proceed in exactly the same way as with his predecessor unless of course it turns out to be you hallelujah who is chosen to take the place of your dearly beloved head of department (deceased) and in this case the issue of a raise will be far less acute and you will wait for a few weeks months years before going to see your head of department or the chief executive of the firm of which you are an employee to make your desiderata quite clear do the art and craft of approaching a head of department or a chief executive to talk about an increase in your pecuniary emoluments have any relationship to the art and craft of approaching a line manager with the same objective that is a serious question that we can neither solve nor even realistically discuss in the light of the limited data currently available to us so we shall assume to keep things simple – for we must do our best to keep things simple – either that it is not a friday or a day in lent or that we are involved with a firm deeply committed to the secular ideal or that the cafeteria served filleted sole or fresh-laid eggs which all comes down to the plain-vanilla advice that we are giving you not to go and see your line manager on a friday or in lent so the lunch issue now being dealt with or so it seems does not arise you have no further qualms about the availability of your line manager unless of course it is monday if it is monday wait for tuesday you would have to be really stupid to go to see your line manager on a monday to talk about a raise as idiotic as going to see him on a friday afternoon or any afternoon in lent laying yourself open to having to deal with ticklish issues when face to face with an individual who instead of listening to you is wondering all the while whether the eggs he has just consumed really were fresh or if he had eaten enough soft white bread to ward off the potentially dire consequences of his having most unfortunately ingested a fish bone to sum up and between you and me it is never very wise to approach a line manager at a time when his gastric functions are likely to overshadow the professional and managerial capacities associated with his hierarchical rank it is far better to go see him in the morning but what the hell he himself told you to come and see him at 2:30 pm you have to take life as it comes so now it is 2:30 pm and you go to see mr x it’s one or t’other either mr x is at his desk or mr x is not at his desk now you’re going to say that since he told you to turn up at 2:30 pm he really ought to be in his office at 2:30 pm yeah yeah but that would be forgetting the twisted and sometimes even scoundrelly souls of hierarchical superiors mr x in order to impress upon you that he is your line manager may well tell you to come at half past two that is well within his rights and some would say his duties what are you going to do do not despair leave it to steep a while longer since mr x told you he would see you at 2:30 he will definitely be back soon so you should walk up and down in the corridor waiting for him to come and if he takes a while longer you will go and have a chinwag with ms wye on condition of course that ms wye is at her desk if ms wye is not at her desk you will circumperambulate the various departments which taken together constitute the whole or part of the organisation of which you are an employee or let’s say an

exploitee then you go back to try your luck anew a little later it is possible that even then mr x is not in his office no matter wait in the corridor then if he takes another while schmooze with ms wye do or die providing not only that ms wye is in her office but also a good mood otherwise you will have to circumperambulate the various departments which taken together constitute the whole or part of the organisation of which you are obviously not the brightest star while inwardly cursing your lord and master’s bad faith but if on the other hand ms wye is in her office and her customary state of bonhomie you will be able to expatiate at lesser or greater length on the quality of the fish served at luncheon or the agedness of the eggs or just how difficult it is to pin down mr x oy vey that will be at least we hope so for your sake precisely the instant that you see him pass by mr x i mean and you will hasten to invent an acceptable pretext for example i have to pop out to feed the parking meter or i’m afraid i swallowed a fish bone or i wonder if the eggs weren’t ex or you’ve got red spots on your face surely you haven’t caught measles then you will go and knock on the door of mr x’s office there is no good reason why he should not raise his eyes on hearing your taptaptap or not invite you to come in and to say what you have to say since in theory he himself asked you to come back at half past two and it’s his own fault not yours if it is now well and truly three-twelve nonetheless we cannot be too careful to advise you or rather cannot advise you to be too careful and to consider the eventuality or rather eventualities that either he does not raise his eyes but that’s to let you know that he cannot or will not his inability and unwillingness coming to exactly the same thing from your point of view see you or that he would very much like to see you but not now but only tomorrow morning or tomorrow afternoon at half past two yes such things do happen tomorrow is a friday you will be obliged to watch the cafeteria menu because if fish is on your line manager could easily swallow a fish bone and thereafter be in a really awful mood which will not be in your favour or else if by chance it is not fish eggs will be on and may be off and your line manager could easily get indigestion anyway even if it is not thursday today the day before friday tomorrow could be the first day of lent which would or easily could have the same unfortunate effect with respect to lunch and thus to your line manager’s state of receptivity and he will surely hold it against you if you disturb him while he’s querying the freshness of eggs or the future itinerary of the fish bone stuck in his oesophagus and even if tomorrow is neither a friday nor the first or any other day of lent do be careful not to choose a saturday because on saturdays your line manager does not come in to the office and nor do you that’s actually one of the few perks available in the firm that works you or a sunday which is impossible because the day before sunday is saturday and on saturdays you don’t go in to work or a monday which looks like a paradox but is not one because in the services sector the day after friday is monday if then your line manager tells you on friday morning to come back to see him on friday afternoon and if on friday afternoon he puts you off until monday morning not so much because he grudges the time he gives to you but because he swallowed a fish bone or because he has every reason to suspect that the eggs of which he took three helpings were ex and is therefore worried about them which you cannot but find legitimate tell yourself that on monday morning his disinclination to listen to your squalid concerns over pay will have even greater justification and it would be wiser when all’s said and done to come back and try your luck again on tuesday morning or tuesday afternoon so let us suppose that you come back on tuesday morning clearly mr x is not at his desk nor is ms wye at hers with the result that you circumperambulate the various departments which taken together constitute the whole or part of the organisation which pays you to circumperambulate the various departments which taken together constitute the whole or part of one of the biggest firms in one of the key sectors of the nation’s most national industries notwithstanding you return on tuesday afternoon your line manager is in his office you knock he raises his eyes he nods in the affirmative in short he tells you to come in all of which could be explained by the fact that at lunchtime the cafeteria served neither fish nor eggs but caviar and there’s nothing like lumpfish roe to bring tears of joy to the eyes of your boss so obviously you go in since he told you to do so do not affect an air of disbelief abandon all rancour and refrain from observing to your head of department that seeing as you are now in his office he could bloody well have given you an appointment three weeks ago when having made up your mind to ask for a raise you had girded up your loins and come to knock on the door of his office where he happened not to be at that time forget all such things you have finally reached not the end of your road but at least the witching hour when you will soon be able to lay out the issue that concerns you it would be better to do it sitting down because it is tricky to pour your heart out standing up in front of even the most benevolent of line managers but as far as i can see you are still on your feet and you obviously cannot sit down until your line manager has invited you to do so explicitly well it’s one or t’other either he asks you to be seated or he does not ask you to be seated if he asks you to take a pew and incidentally to relax everything could go if not swimmingly then at least in accordance with a process whose unfolding is fairly clear to you but what will you do if he does not ask you to sit down don’t think this is such a rare occurrence don’t assume that he has no respect or is ignoring you just because he leaves you on your own two feet that’s not necessarily the reason it’s much more likely he is beset by personal worries stick your neck out

and ask him whether one of his daughters has perhaps caught measles he’ll answer yes or no if he says yes one of his daughters has measles check discreetly this goes without saying whether or not he has red spots on his face if he has no spots breathe deeply relax and in an intelligible voice lay out your problem but if he has got spots on his face get out of there on any excuse for example i have to pop out to feed the parking meter or i’m afraid i swallowed a fish bone or i wonder if they weren’t a bit off those eggs we got at lunch today or hang on i think ms wye is calling me inform health and safety and lock your boss in his office for forty business days that is to say for eight weeks after the eight weeks have elapsed go back to see your boss there’s every likelihood he will be in his office but maybe he will refuse to see you in which case you will come back to try your luck a little later preferably in the morning and not on a monday or a friday or a day of lent remember that if mr x is not in his office when you go to ask for an appointment you can always wait for him by walking up and down in the corridor or if he is running late by schmoozing with ms wye if in fact she is in her office and a good mood or else by circumperambulating the various departments which taken together constitute the whole or part of the consortium which pays you a pittance while grinding away the best years of your life let us rather assume that everything goes to plan summoned by mr x at half past two on a wednesday you are in actual fact in his office the following tuesday on the stroke of ten he tells you to come in but he has not yet told you to sit down so you ask him whether one of his daughters has measles and he answers no don’t believe it or rather do not believe that that means that none of his daughters has measles unless you have it on unimpeachable authority that mr x has only one daughter but it is much more likely he has four that’s what it says on the flow-chart anyway and you can’t invent this kind of thing so you ask him whether two of his daughters don’t have measles he will answer yes or no if he says yes two of his daughters have measles you don’t even have to squint up his nose to see whether or not he has red spots it’s better to get out on some fabricated pretext for instance shit my meter or ouch a fish bone or again those eggs at lunch i wonder hang on i’m being asked for that must be ms wye who needs me for a T60 issue as soon as you are out the room rush to health and safety and have mr x locked in his office for the official incubation period that is to say forty business days once that period has elapsed go back and see mr x preferably on a tuesday or wednesday because it is obvious that if you go to see him on a thursday and he puts you off until friday you’re going to have the lunch problem re fish and eggs on your plate and it’s better to stack the chances in your own favour if perchance meanwhile mr x has managed to get out and has not yet come back in wait for him either by pacing up and down in the corridor or by nattering with ms wye unless ms wye has already retired and only if she is still suffused with the bonhomie of yesteryear or lastly by circumperambulating the various departments which taken together constitute the whole or part of the organisation with which you should definitely not identify yourself stick your neck out and check the lunch menu and get vaccinated against measles then with your heart full of hope go back to stand outside the office of mr x we shall assume to keep things simple – for we must do our best to keep things simple – that mr x is in his office that he raises his eyes when you knock and asks you to come in but still does not ask you to sit down so you ask him whether one of his daughters has measles he answers no whether two of his daughters have measles he answers no it’s a good answer up to a point but it could be camouflage hiding a far worse truth namely that three of his daughters have measles put the question honestly if your line manager says yes three of his daughters have measles get out fast you don’t even have to find an excuse alert health and safety and the first aid team have your boss locked in and the whole department to boot and even the departments on either side for forty business days and keep yourself in isolation as well in 1966 there were 18,931 registered cases of measles in france and 109 fatalities which gives you a pretty good chance with a survival rate of approximately 99.5% measles is an infectious disease of man marked by an eruption of rose-colored papulae in irregular circles and crescents that is to say by often acute facial efflorescence or exanthema it is preceded and accompanied by catarrhal and febrile symptoms typically sore throats sore eyes and coughing its principal complications are bronchial pneumonia laryngitis and encephalitis sulpha series drugs and penicillin provide effective medication it’s better than catching scarlet fever forty days later you will still be able to go and see the firm’s legal claims officer to request damages if the legal claims officer is not in you wait for him in the corridor or else you go and have a chinwag with ms jay providing she is in her office and a good mood or else you circumperambulate the various departments which taken together