The Art and Craft of Approaching Your Head of Department to Submit a Request for a Raise (5 page)

bone while eating eggs laid by hens raised on fish waste despite what you think all this is actually very helpful to you because when eight and a half months later you manage to corner mr x coming out of the cafeteria he will surely be very glad to see you and will ask you to drop by his office that very day at 2:30 pm so you go he will be there you will be seated as per his offer then following elementary courtesy you ask after his health and his loved ones and mme x is ok too and the four wee uns ah measles is a cruel disease measles cruel fate excuse me i’ve got some milk on the stove i must run without hesitation you present yourself at the door to the office of your head of department forty-one days later unless of course the forty-first day following this goes without saying is a thursday or a friday saturday sunday monday bank holiday the day after a bank holiday a day of lent or the eve of lent mr x now he’s better will certainly be receptive to your request he might even see you on the spot and could go so far as to ask you to be seated relax breathe in lay out your problem no this is not a T60 issue do not make the horrendous mistake of saying so even if it is because your line manager will surely reply that T60s are not his potatoes and all you will then be able to do is to wander from department to department in search of potentially nonexistent experts in T60s say instead that you have another plan because if you start talking spondulicks straight away your line manager might find it fishy so you lay out your plan with all the ardour you can still muster it’s one or t’other either your line manager will take an interest in what you tell him or he will not take an interest in what you tell him which is likely you will have wasted your time let us suppose as we are quite entitled to do that your head of department takes an interest in what you tell him it’s not at all impossible at least in theory even if it has never actually occurred in recorded history so your line manager is taking an interest in your plan it’s one or t’other either he thinks your idea is positive rich in possibilities worthwhile or he thinks it is stupid and will let you know in no uncertain terms that your logic is addled that’s to say cock-eyed that’s to say so devoid of understanding as to be close to either early-onset alzheimer’s or congenital idiocy remember however that whether or not he calls you a nincompoop dimwit cretin nutcase crackpot woodenhead bananabrain dolt idiot or fool it comes to the same thing namely your plan will land in the wpb and you will return empty-handed to your desk while awaiting happier days it goes without saying that learning from experience you will improve your basic idea so when the day comes once again to talk with whole and open heart to your head of department he will be unable to dismiss you straight off as a nitwit so you allow yourself some months because one must always try to stack the odds in one’s favour you swot up on the issue then when your plan seems perfect you go back to see mr x let’s assume he’s in and you don’t have to wait for him in the corridor or go and have a bit of a chat with ms wye or even circumperambulate the various departments which taken together constitute the whole or part of the company in whose wheels you are at most a minuscule cog let us grant to keep things simple – for we must do our best to keep things simple – that by an even greater stroke of luck mr x answers asks you to come into his office and even goes so far as to ask you to be seated and tells you without prompting that his four daughters are in good health and married and that not one of his sixteen grandchildren seems at the present time to be incubating a case of measles he doesn’t even ask you (your head of department that is) if the problem that brings you to him is or is not a T60 issue he seems very interested indeed in your plan it’s even as if he finds your suggestion a fruitful one demonstrating a real capacity for observation critical thinking as astounding as it is instructive in short a really remarkable brain unfortunately he doesn’t have time to give you a response don’t be cross remember mr x must be overwhelmed that he spends all his time seeing or evading his twenty-four underlings your colleagues who like you appear to have one thing only on their minds namely to beg and whine for a raise which could in any case never be more than a paltry one and when through patient effort he succeeds in discouraging his subordinates for a few days he seizes the opportunity to go and see his own boss mr z who for his part never fails to put him off likewise his twelve colleagues without himself being able to get anything at all out of the assistant deputy deputy deputy director despite his harrying him without respite you have learned for every failure brings with it a lesson to ponder which will be of use to you later on you have learned i repeat that tenacity gets results and as you near the end of another campaign distinguishable from the others by mere minor details eggs not as fresh as they should be a fish bone that didn’t go down properly measles afflicting the whole family there you are again face to face with mr x explaining that the use of office glue representing nought point nought three over ten to power three of the total cash flow of the business that you cherish more than anything else in the world could be cut by seventy-three point eight seven one per cent by the acquisition of an electronic glue dispenser that would be amortised in 760 weeks and could be paid for in monthly instalments all this seems to fascinate your line manager not stupid not stupid at all he says with a sly grin as a greedy glint lights up his eyes and his thick mop of brilliantined hair sparkles in the mauve glow of the setting summer sun then seemingly taking the time to answer you which constitutes a damn fine advance on where you got to last year he proposes to look at your problem more closely and before your very eyes starts going over the sums that led you to the conclusion that you got to by yourself and on your own now it’s one or t’other when he’s finished his sophisticated arithmetical task either your line manager will have understood the full meaning and import of your plan or he will not have understood a thing let’s suppose he has not understood a thing it’s somewhat disheartening but it’s not really serious send your head of department to TV1 you don’t know what a TV1 is nor does your head of department and neither do i let’s say it’s an information office an evening class a retraining scheme in short give your line manager a few weeks to let things sink in let’s say a few months you must never try to rush things in theory it’s up to mr x to let you know when he’s finally grasped the point but you are well aware that he’ll do nothing of the sort because otherwise he would not be your head of department would he so

you yourself after a respectable interval go back to see him you will of course have to wait in the corridor wait for him while chatting with ms wye circumperambulate the various departments which taken together constitute the whole or part of the firm to which you owe everything wait for the morrow wait for next tuesday taste eggs spit wash out your mouth petition the vatican to make lent and the eating of fish on fridays fully optional wait for the eldest of mr x’s sixteen grandchildren to recover but do not lose patience for there is a strong chance that on your second or third attempt your head of department will understand but all the same don’t go thinking that all the rest will fall off a log for in actual fact what has happened so far let us sum up let us be clear you went to see mr x mr x was in you knocked he raised his eyes and beckoned you to come in he asked you to be seated you laid out a plan which took his fancy he valued the solutions you suggested he took time out to get to the bottom of your proposal and it now seems he has mastered it completely now that’s all well and good but as of the present time you have not put in a single word about your indisputably justifiable claim for higher pay you could just about force yourself to grin to say er um as you wriggle on your seat but if mr x your line manager does not come out and offer you his congratulations how will you manage to tell him what the real problem is now as you surely know mr x is a line manager and a line manager never congratulates a subordinate so mr x never congratulates a subordinate and you are one of mr x’s subordinates so mr x will never congratulate you and if mr x does not congratulate you you will not be able to talk about the raise and as he certainly won’t bring it up himself all you will be able to do is to go back to your desk swearing if somewhat belatedly that you’ll never get caught out like that again and next time you won’t attempt to outsmart the fates but will utter right at the start the word raise and if it doesn’t work so much for that well that’s it you’ve made a wise decision so you go to see mr x your line manager he’s not in his office and for a very good reason he’s checking out the electronic glue dispenser so you circumperambulate the various departments which taken together constitute the whole or part of the vast organisation that is already using your electronic glue dispenser without moreover coming across a single soul that is explained by the fact that almost everybody is busy seeing how the electronic glue dispensing machine works or rather how it ought to work because it doesn’t does it that electronic glue dispensing gizmo so you go to see for yourself how the bloody whatsit is behaving and you bump into your line manager who not only fails to congratulate you but on the contrary bawls at you you allow some weeks to pass allow his ire to subside then you go back to stand at the door of your superior he is not in you take a few steps in the corridor this way and that then go to see if ms wye is at her desk she is but seems disinclined to shoot the breeze because she’s got an issue with her head of department mr wolfgang whom to keep things simple – for we must do our best to keep things simple – we shall obviously call mr w so morose and melancholic you circumperambulate the various departments which taken together constitute the whole or part of the organisation to which you feel proud to belong then go back to the office of mr x who blow me down is in who raises his eyes when you knock and even asks you with a charming smile to come in please take a seat and speak your mind that is

so uncommon as to surely make you wary but as lucy van pelt says to charlie brown when she asks him to kick an american football that she will whisk out of range just as charlie brown thrusts his best foot forward at full speed thus causing him to fall which hurts more every time from the humiliation it engenders if you can’t trust your bosses then you’ll never get anywhere so you try out a shy smile you tell yourself that in principle mr x has nothing but the best of intentions in your regard and you confess that it is not a T60 issue that brings you that would not be of the slightest interest to him and would oblige you to wander lonely as a cloud in search of AD 4 section that you have not come with any other problem that might or might not be of interest to him and even if it were with a solution that might seem to him either fruitful or barren and even if he wanted to even if he appreciated your contribution he might or might not have the time to consider and even if he had the time to look at it carefully even if he set store by your proposal even if he were interested in the problem you are raising he might or might not understand and even if he understood appreciated took an interest in set store by was enthused by he could easily log your suggestion without thereby granting you the slightest laudatory remark or intent that would allow you to get down to the only topic which from your point of view is worth talking about to wit a substantial upward adjustment of your pecuniary emoluments so point blank looking at the whites of his eyes you boldly state that it is a matter of money ah ah ah says your line manager so you’ve come to see me about a raise say yes without a second thought first because it is the truth and you must always tell the truth second because if you say no your boss will have no trouble at all in asking you what the hell you are doing in his office at this hour instead of being in yours and at work in the service of the greater glory and good of the vast firm whose numerous departments that you circumperambulate with winsome fondness when your line manager is not in his office and ms wye is having a bad hair day constitute all or part you would have to hop it and god alone knows how kanga would ever find another opportunity to address him afresh face to face in his office your head of department’s that is first of all he would have to be in it he would have to answer when you knocked at his door he would have to agree to see you right then or if he makes an appointment for the afternoon no culinary incident would have to impact on his bonhomie none of his daughters or grandchildren would have to be heading for a bout of measles so it’s better to tell him the truth and to indicate to him that having been taken on at the age of sixteen years and three months as provisional assistant errand boy with a wage of 5,375 old francs and 50 old centimes a month you rose up the ranks step by step to your present position of assistant technical staff category 3 step 11 with a cost of living index rating of 247 which is to say real take-home pay after social security and other deductions in favour of the appropriate bodies of 691 new francs and 00 new centimes if your line manager is crafty and he is or else he would not be your line manager he will observe that you are certainly not working ten times as much as at the time of your first hiring and yet you are earning ten times more and he can’t see what you are grumbling about i’m not asking for myself you will say sir but for my poor children my four wee girls who have just caught measles this last piece of information may perhaps not constitute a real argument in favour of your nonetheless quite justifiable claim all things considered it would be better to leave it out next time all the more so because next time your four wee girls not to mention you yourself will surely have got over it thanks to antibiotics and sulpha series medications to be found in great abundance among the range of pharmaceuticals available in france which are moreover refundable by the national health insurance scheme for which you pay regular premiums so once you are out of the sickbay you weigh the pros and cons you go to see mr x let us suppose to keep things simple – for we must do our best to keep things simple – that it all goes swimmingly let me check for the record that a fully favourable conduct of the campaign requires the beneficent and therefore inherently unlikely concordance of a heap of items variously located in the animal vegetable and mineral domains among them we will mention only – because we really do want to keep our demonstration as short as possible and not burden it with matters that would in the end be considered otiose – so among them we will mention i repeat only the good mood of ms wye the freshness of eggs the line manager’s oesophagal unobstruction the absence of measles these conditions being met we can more easily grant that your head of department may see you and not have a priori reasons for dismissing out of hand your request for a raise does he not himself spend his time trying to get one from mr z all the same it’s a well-known fact that no line manager ever grants a raise or even considers such a matter with even an iota of seriousness without having first gone right through the claimant’s own view of the admissibility of said wish now obviously if you had a good idea which would allow the business that has always placed its trust in you