The Awakening (11 page)

The darkness over took the scene and suddenly Carmen felt completely alone. She looked around and Victor was gone, slipped away like a spindle of mist. Where had he gone? Why had he left without telling her? A tremor of fear caught her as she anxiously scanned the lake’s edge. There were no dark figures moving away or towards her. There was no rustled or scraping in the woods behind her. In front of her was the tranquillity of the lake, the furthest shore being frosted by moonlight. She felt a shiver of cold, a building nervousness at being abandoned so. Had she misjudged Victor so completely? Was he the one who had hurt her dogs? Did he want to hurt her? Was he the enemy, the un-named fear in her life? She wanted to cry out, scream, but for Victor to return or for someone else? Was there anyone else there? She hadn’t seen any other cabins or signs of life as they drove higher and higher into the wilderness. She was alone with Victor and the elements. She’d believe this was what she wanted: now she was entirely unsure.

She knew how to deal with anxiety, she was well acquainted with fear. Her life had been too full of it. Every time she stood on the starting blocks she’d been gripped by fear. Would she be able to get to the end of the pool, could she still remember the strokes, what if she forgot to breath? Every day since her father had died she’d been scared that anyone else she loved would die too, or reject her as her mother had done all Carmen’s life. Madeleine should never have had children. She was too cold, too selfish: no love in that woman. So, of course Carmen had kept people at bay. She didn’t have close friends. Most of her “girl friends” had been swimming rivals and at University she kept her own counsel. She was superficially friendly, coffee in the Ref, shared assignment work, but no intimacies or personal connections. She was a solitary being: it kept her safe. Her lovers had been passing passions. Good sex with good looking but essentially vain men, nothing real or lasting there. She wasn’t looking, wasn’t ready for anything serious or stable. Until Andrew. She’d felt something strong with Andrew. His confidence in everything he did, especially in his feelings for her was powerful and so persuasive. She felt, at last, that here was someone she could love, that he was too big and strong to be hurt by her fears.

So why was she here in this remote, God forsaken part of the wilderness with a man she barely knew? Why wasn’t she at home, looking after Andrew’s loft, searching real estate sites on the Net, thinking about a date to actually get married? This nonsense about a connection with Victor was just fanciful longings, little girl neediness for acceptance and love that had never really been hers. She was over all that. Her father had loved her but he was dead. Stomach cancer too far advanced by the time it was detected. Her mother tolerated her, but Carmen didn’t need her anyway. She had made it in an unkind world on her own. She knew what she was and what she needed. She just wasn’t entirely sure of where she was going. But she was only twenty-six – did she need her life mapped out just yet?

She shook her head, took several deep breaths. Stood up tall and straight, imagined the water before her and knew she was part of it and nothing could stop her, beat her. She was Carmen Ursula Whyte, the greatest female athlete on the planet and she was not frightened of anything. She did not need anyone to make her safe or strong. She was all she had and all she needed.

When Carmen opened her eyes there was a large wolf standing two feet away from her. He stood as still as she did and looked directly into her eyes. His ocean blue eyes boring into her pale blue orbs. He was completely white, pure as Arctic snow. His nose sniffed the air, sniffed her and he took a step towards her. Carmen stood completely still. She calmed her breathing, slowed her heart rate. She considered the wolf’s perfection, his fine head and strong jaw, his powerful legs and big paws. She knew there were rows of massive sharp teeth there, just waiting for an excuse to exercise their power. She wondered how he had come so quietly to her. Instinctively she held out her hand to him and without hesitation he came to her, licking her hand just as her own dogs did. She crouched next to him and he nuzzled her. This was not a savage beast waiting to hurt her, this was a friend, someone she could trust. She laughed to herself. How foolish she had been to feel frightened here. The wolf licked her face and she hugged him, feeling as comfortable with him as with Zanzibar or Alaska.

As she stepped away from him he slipped into the forest. She smiled at her own foolishness and turned back to the lake. Her abandoned rod was jerking its way towards the water. She ran to it and felt the weight of a good sized trout on the line. With hardly any effort she brought the fish to the surface and reeled him in, unhooked the fish and recast her line. One fish was not enough for dinner, not now that her appetite was up.

“I knew you could do it,” Victor said behind her.

She smiled at him, not worried any more. “Typical that you should miss the action. Where were you?”

“Oh, just around, you know. Looking for traps, any signs of poachers, vandals.”

“Get a lot of that?”

“A bit from time to time. It always pays to be vigilant. You were so transfixed by the lake I knew you wouldn’t miss me.” He smiled and patted her shoulder. His touch as always, familiar and reassuring.

“The strangest thing happened, Victor.” He needed to know about the wolf.

“You caught a fish,” he laughed.

“No. Well, yes, but there was this wolf, Victor, The most amazing thing.”

He didn’t seem surprised by her story, didn’t think she was mad, as Andrew would have. He just nodded wisely as she spoke, seeming to know the story already.

Carmen looked into Victor’s bright blue eyes, much in the same way she’d looked at the wolf. “This is a test, isn’t it? This is why you’ve brought me here. The wolf is your pet, a trained thing. There was no danger and you were just here, weren’t you, watching me? Seeing what I would do.”

“Ah, Carmen. He was not a pet, but I do know him, as I know all the creatures who live in these parts. There is always danger with wild things. Don’t under-estimate what happened, Carmen. Acceptance by wolves and bears and the other wild animals of the planet is a mighty gift. You should be pleased to have it. Happy that they know you and accept you. It has always been so. Before you met me, before this evening. Think back to the times with your father. Were you frightened then? Did you always know where the rabbits were? Did you ever not catch fish when you went camping with your father? Did you ever worry that a wolf would attack you as you slept under the stars?”

Carmen shook her head slowly, remembering those precious times with her father. Fear had not been a part of her life then. She had always felt safe and happy in the woods. She had been fearless. As she’d grown older she’d put that feeling of invincibility down to the innocence of childhood and her abiding faith in her father.

“Who are you, Victor?”

“I am your best friend, Carmen. I am your truest and longest serving friend. My task is to take care of you, lead you to your true path.”

Carmen put her hands up. “Stop. Stop,” she shouted. “I don’t want any of your enigmatic gibberish. If this is what this weekend is about then take me home.”

Victor spoke softly. “I will if you insist. I will always do what you want, Carmen. I am not here to hurt you. I am here to help you. You know there is more than this. You know in your heart and in that pure white place in your head that there is something else.”

She nodded mutely. He took her hands. She felt his warmth, his pure love. “Yes, I know. But you frighten me, Victor.”

“It is not me that frightens you, Carmen. It is you. You need to know who you are and what you might learn is what frightens you.”

She felt close to tears. His kindness and understanding was almost too much for her. She didn’t want to cry: she didn’t do that. He pulled her to him and enfolded her in his great bear like arms. She liked the smell of him, all forests and earth. She relaxed, felt her heart calm and her mind still. She felt safe in his embrace. He kissed her hair softly, repeatedly.

“We need to eat, Carmen. And sleep. Then tomorrow, if you insist, I will take you back to New York.”

“Yes, that sounds fine. I need to sleep on things. But one fish isn’t enough for dinner, Victor. I’m now really quite hungry.”

“Indeed,” he nodded, his brow furrowing in the moonlight. “Are you up for another test? A simple test, a fun test?”

She sighed. “Do I have a choice? Do you have my dogs hostage until I agree with you?”

“No. I can call them now for you. They are just near by with Silas. Here,” Victor whistled high and long. The three dogs appeared out of the dark as if they were only yards away.

“Okay,” Carmen nodded. “One more test. Bring it on.”

“Take off your boots and socks, roll up your jeans and wade into the lake. As far as you can without wetting your clothes.” Carmen simply followed directions, gave herself to the madness that being with Victor entailed. “Now bend over and hold your hands in the water down to your elbows. Wriggle your fingers like you’re tickling harp strings. Think fish.”

Carmen only pursed her lips for a moment in disbelief before she gave herself up to Victor’s instructions. She thought of fish, their freedom, their shape and beautiful white flesh, how hungry she was, how she couldn’t feel the cold of the water or the night air. She thought of the spots and stripes of the fish, of how slippery but sensuous a fish felt when you held it, of how cooking fish on the camp-fire had been one of her favourite things to do as a child. And there they were. Two five pound trout in her hands. Sitting willingly in her palms, waiting to be taken to Victor’s stove for dinner.

She held them out of the water. “Look, Victor, look!” She cried. “This is amazing. I like this test.” Carmen laughed as she walked from the water. This was insane. It was like she was a bear out there in the water, just plucking random fish from the stream to do with as she pleased.

“Well, done, my little cub,” Victor beamed. “A most successful lesson. Let’s head back. We all need a good feed.”

Carmen slept deep and dreamless. No ice caves or wild animals but she woke feeling as if she’d been there all night. She felt the eyes of the wolf on her as she slept but felt safe knowing he was near. She woke to the smell of eggs and bacon – her favourite breakfast. She splashed water on her face and cursorily brushed her teeth before heading down the wooden steps to where Victor was busy in the kitchen. The dogs were stretched out in front of the fire and the sun was streaming across the lake and in through the windows of the not so modest log cabin.

“And you slept well, my dear?” Victor poured coffee from the old pot sitting on his old stove.

“Indeed I did, Victor,” Carmen sat down at the table where they had enjoyed their hearty meal of fish and fried potatoes last night. “Best I’ve slept in ages, in fact.”

“I knew the country would do you good. Hungry?”

“Ravenous it seems,” she smiled.

He served her two eggs, sunny side up, three rashers of bacon and two slices of thick heavy bread with butter melting through them. “Yes, I expected a big breakfast,” she nodded.

“For a big day?”

She nodded. “Of course I’ll stay. I was just feeling a bit odd last night. You do realise that you sound quite insane sometimes, Victor.”

“I know,” he sat down with her, his own plate full of food. “I know you have to take a lot on trust with me. I can’t just tell you everything in one go. It’s not how it has to be. Believe me, this weekend is just the beginning. We have a long way to go.”

Carmen tried to laugh. “There you go, spooking me again.”

“I know I sound strange and much of what I have to tell you sounds entirely fanciful. As if it was created by one of our lesser fantasy writers. Believe me, Carmen, there is no easy way for you to understand your destiny.”

“Tell you what, Victor, if you promise to stop talking about destiny and my fate and things of great importance and just do the “lessons” thing out there in the great outdoors we’ll have a much better time together.”

Victor nodded and poured more coffee. “I’ll do my best. But we will have to talk eventually. I can’t complete my task without some dialogue between us.”

She waved her fork in the air. “There you go again – “complete my task”. Let’s just enjoy being together and I promise I’ll let my subconscious discover things – I’ll be more open to my own secrets, because I’m sure you’re going to tell me I only have to look inside deeply enough to find truth. Will that help?”

Victor laughed aloud startling the dogs. “I think you already have my measure. You are exactly right. You do have the answers, I’m just your humble guide.”

Carmen laughed back. “You could never in a thousand years be described as humble, Victor.”

They spent the day with the dogs, tramping through the forest, listening to its heart, feeling it breath and exhaling with it. Victor showed Carmen how to read animal tracks, which forest foods would sustain her, which would kill her and which would heal her. She was thrilled by Alaska and Zanzibar’s stamina and skills in hunting. They were obviously completely well, indeed gave every appearance of never being sick. They could match Silas and hunted down several rabbits themselves. But as they headed deeper into the woods, away from the lake and the sunlight Carmen had the feeling the biggest test was ahead. She was expecting a trap, something dangerous, another wolf. In fact she was expecting to see the same wolf as before. But he wasn’t there. She thought she should be able to sense his presence, that she would be expected to recognise him again and at some stage be able to summons him to her should the need arise.