The Beginning of Never (The Never Trilogy #1) (18 page)

“Aren’t you going to reply me?” he asked.

I turned a page and said, “Please go away.” I was
astonished at how steady I sounded when my insides were frying in turmoil.

Pulling out a seat from the opposite side of the table,
he placed it in front of me and sat down. I still refused to acknowledge his
presence until he took hold of the sides of my chair, and turned it so that I
faced him.

“Nathan...” I complained, and had a frown waiting for
him as soon as he refocused his gaze on me. I stared at him; the brilliance of
his beautiful blue eyes and the way his hair, now longer than I’d ever seen it
fell in thick dark brown waves, past his ear and to just below the edge of his
collar. Despite my awe at seeing him this way again, the hurt and anger over
his neglect for the past week rose up to overthrow my delight at his presence.

“What’s this?” I asked. “You ignore me for weeks and
now all of a sudden you show up?”

“I didn’t ignore you.”

“Really?
Okay.”

I started to turn away but he held me still with his
hand on my arm, and urged my gaze to return to his.

“Nora,” he said, but I brushed his hand away.

“Just leave me alone,” I said half-heartedly, but
inwardly, I screamed at him not to listen to me. I wished he would notice the
pain in my eyes without me having to say anything, because I had missed him.

Suddenly he leaned forward, and the next thing I knew
he had slanted his head to take my mouth in a soft, but ardent kiss. My eyes
flew open as soon as I tasted him, and reflexively, I pulled myself away from
him.

He refused to give me a moment to recover, so sliding
his hand around my
neck,
he brought my head closer to
his and kissed me again.

“Nathan,” I breathed, stunned at the thrill that shot
through my body. Liquid fire began to burn low in the pit of my stomach. I
couldn’t move, and when I closed my eyes again for another kiss, my lips
trembled as his met mine.

It started as a slow caress, and each time his lips
graced mine, I fought to savor the taste before I let go. Then I felt his
fingers under my chin to hold it in place just before he slanted his head
again, but this time, kissed me deeply.

 
It enraged the
fire inside of me, making me almost fall out of my chair, but without stopping,
he reached out to steady me. Then with one hand around my waist, he pulled me
up and led me to the wall. My legs had turned to rubber so I leaned against it,
partly conscious of what I was doing. Then I lifted up on tiptoes to reach his
mouth again.

I could feel his smile as he bent his head to meet
mine, and kissed me again. The feel of his body pressed against mine was
driving me insane, and as I gripped the lapels of his blazer to bring him
closer to me, I could not believe that this was happening.

I was actually kissing Nathan, not the senseless peck
he had given to Kate, but a full, mind blowing kiss that was sucking all the
life out of me.

I couldn’t get enough of him, and as the fire found its
way to my brain, I threw my hands around his neck to bring him even closer. He
widened his legs and with a palm flattened on the wall behind my head, pushed
against me to do the same.

“Ahem,” I heard someone clear their throat from a
distance, but I didn’t care. Nathan on the other hand was more alert. He turned
to see who it was and then let me go, his breathing as ragged as mine.
Thankfully, it wasn’t the librarian standing there but Elisa, wide-eyed and
cheeks flushed a bright crimson. She looked amused.

I turned back to him and watched as he ran a hand
through his hair. He took a deep breath to help calm
himself
before turning to face her. His cool mask was now back on and once again, he
was in control. I, on the other hand, was barely managing to stand still.

“Elisa,” he said with a small smile, and her cheeks
turned brighter. He then turned to me, gave a small nod and walked away.

We both stared at him as he left until Elisa turned to
look at
me,
her eyes still round with surprise.

“What was that?” she asked, sounding every bit as dazed
as I felt, but I couldn’t respond. After a few minutes of mindless staring and
deep, heavy breaths, I was finally able to remain upright without the help of
the wall. She came closer as I started to slowly gather my things and said,
“Isn’t there a curse attached to kissing relatives?”

I shot her a fiery look, but she wasn’t deterred. She
went on, a little too excited. “I knew it! I knew that you guys weren’t
related. That whole cousin stuff was just plain rubbish, and
God
, that kiss …”

“If you don’t shut up I’m going to hit you,” I
threatened her, but she ignored me and leaned against the table seemingly
enraptured in a dreamy state. She straightened when she saw that I had
collected my bag and was walking past her.

“You have to tell me all about it,” she said as she
hurried after me, but I just closed my eyes and ignored her. Her squeal haunted
me.

*

For the rest of the afternoon,
my classes passed more quickly than I would have ever thought possible. Through
the entire four hours my mind had remained on the kiss, and why in hell I had
allowed it.

With the current issues we already had between us, this
was the last thing we needed. It was now another reason to wonder where we even
stood with each other. We were supposed to be
just
friends, but after today, that obviously didn’t make any
sense, as well as the ‘cousin’ story which Elisa now knew wasn’t true.

The question now was
where we were going to go from here.

Would we return back to how we were initially, go
somewhere else or just remain situational strangers?

I grew more confused as each moment passed, and by the
end of the day I was more than ready to return to the hall. I was exhausted and
tired of thinking, so as I
laid
on my bed still unable
to stop, I decided to write it all in my journal.

It would hopefully help me carve some sense out of the
entire episode and probably make for excellent memories even if it all went
downhill from here because one thing was for sure – I did
not
want to forget what had happened today.

Retrieving my brown journal from my wardrobe, I flipped
it open to the first page. It was practically empty except for some very brief
and indiscernible notes. And of course my mother’s signature scribbled boldly
across the first page.

I recalled the day I had bought it and how she had
teased me about the cover.

“It’s so boring,” she’d said, and she offered to get me
a new one. Something that would undoubtedly have looked more like it belonged
to a girl, with glitters and bright colors, but I’d refused.

In the end she’d accepted my resolve for it to be
plain, but had insisted that her signature across it would give it the
glamorous touch that it needed, and she’d been right.

I miss you
… I
thought, as I ran my fingers across the scribble that seemed to bring the
journal to life. I probably would have told her about Nathan, and she’d have
known exactly what to do, but now I had to figure it out on my own.

Maybe she’d have wanted me to not overthink the entire
situation like I currently was, but I couldn’t help it. Some people still had
enough room to stomach the pain of getting hurt but over the last three years,
I’d been through too much to be careless.

Nevertheless I wanted to remember the memories, clearly
and vividly, so I started writing from the kiss in the library and how it all
connected – or didn’t – with everything else that had happened since I had met
him.

Ten pages later, I was still going when someone knocked
on my door. Unhappy at the interruption, I pushed the journal under my pillow
and told the person to come in. Elisa walked in, her curly hair pulled back in
a tight ponytail.

"Matthew and I made up today,” she said, and came
to sit on the edge of my bed. I was happy for her and told her so.

"He approached me during lunch and we talked, and
he apologized. What do you think?"

"That’s good. Hopefully he doesn't repeat the same
mistakes this time."

“Hopefully,” she said.

"What about you and Nathan?”

I scowled at her.

"There is no ‘me and Nathan’,” I countered.
"We’re just–”

"Cousins?" she interrupted with a smirk.

I rolled my eyes.

"We’re friends. I just told people that to get
them to back off."

"I understand. If I had someone like that in love
with me, I'd do anything to get them to back off."

I glared at her like she was crazy. It seemed like she
was deliberately trying to misunderstand me.

“I wasn’t trying to get anybody to back off from him, I
meant me. My life was starting to get too complicated.”

“Oh,” she said and smiled sheepishly. “But still …”

“But nothing.
We’re friends.
There's no love involved, anywhere."

"
Right
,"
she replied disbelievingly.

"I'm serious Elisa."

"I didn’t say you weren’t.”

I sighed. “First of all, love isn’t even on the table
here. Ask me about that when I’m in my late twenties and have a lot more sense.
Secondly, if at all there would be anything, it would be a ‘like’, and nothing
more.”

“A very strong
like
,”
she added, and I frowned at her. “Excuse me, but have you watched yourselves
when you’re both together?” she asked.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know how to explain it, but I can remember how
I’ve felt watching the both of you. Jealous almost, and then I wasn’t sure why
because you were related, so of course there would be a sort of familiarity and
fondness present. But with the both of you it was just...
more
and I couldn’t understand why I felt that way. I got my answer
today.”

I was silent as I pondered her words, then I decided to
share something with her. “I’m not sure I want to have anything
more
with him,” I said.

“Why?” she asked.

“Honestly, because I’m scared.
He’s too unpredictable, and I can never quite guess what’s going on in his mind
or what he’s about to do.”

“But he cares about you.”

“Elisa, even that I’m sometimes not certain of, but
yes, I think he does.
In his own weird way.”

“Well, it’s a start. But, do you ever think he might
just be messing with you?”

A little fear crept into my heart. “Where’s that coming
from?”

"The fact that he’s a guy … and these things don't
mean as much to them as they do to us."

I looked away. That had never crossed my mind and I
didn’t like how I felt about it.

"Anyway I have to go, I'm meeting Matthew before
dinner," she said. “By the way, was that your first kiss?”

For some reason I was more amused than shy as I replied
her. “It was.”

“Well, you’re one of the lucky few. At least it wasn’t
a mess.”

“No comment.”

“Don’t worry you don’t need to comment. I was there so
I’ll always be able to remind you that you were still disorientated even after
he’d left.”

“Go away,” I groaned, and she laughed as she walked
away.

I brought my journal out from under my pillow and went
through my entries again. I read through everything, reminiscing through the
accounts I’d written down so far. When Elisa’s comment began to echo in my
head, I closed the book and took a moment to consider it.

Could it even be
possible that he was actually playing with me?
For all I knew Nathan
might’ve been doing and saying things behind my back that I wasn't aware of. I
wondered why it had never crossed my mind before. Maybe it was because of
who
he was – he just seemed too mature to act so shady. But
then again, I didn't know him. All I knew was the person he’d wanted me to see.

Nevertheless, I felt drugged; the emotions and images
of our rendezvous in the library still overwhelming me. I knew I still had to
make sure that I kept myself under control, so I wouldn’t fall for him, but
falling in love didn't just happen overnight. I still had time.

Nathan was at dinner later that
evening, and as soon as I got in and saw him, I didn’t know what to expect. But
halfway through the meal, I knew- because although he had kissed me in the
library like I had mattered to him, right here and in the presence of all, a
mere glance was too expensive to spare.

The message was clear.

However I continued to steal glances at him, and most times
just outright stared- but he never lifted his head from his meal to look
anywhere else, except when he wanted to talk to James. It was like he was a
stranger, and as I watched him- trying to understand what the hell was
happening, it got to the point where I was staring so much that Elisa kicked me
from underneath the table.

She warned me to stop, and I did because I just didn’t
have the strength in me to keep up with him anymore. But towards the end of
dinner, I wanted to go over to speak to him- just
to
plainly ask what the problem was because nothing made sense. I could ignore him
the way he did me, but I just needed to understand what was going on… and why?

I spoke to her about it and she asked me if I was out
of my mind. “Have you forgotten what Beverly did to you even though everyone
thinks you’re cousins?”

“Elisa, I don’t…” I exhaled. “He hasn’t even looked up
once to try to find me here – it’s almost as if I don’t exist.”

“Well that’s not true.”

“What do you mean?”

“He looks at you when you look away,” she said, her
tone still somewhat harsh.

She rolled her eyes when a smile broke out on my face.

“Really?
When? I kept looking
at him but he never turned.”

“That’s because he’s smarter than you.”

“Ouch?”

She sighed. “
Lennie
, you need
to be careful, and also, if knowing that he has been stealing glances at you
for the last hour is all it takes for you to smile like this, then you’re so
screwed.”

“I am not,” I said, as I put a fry in my mouth. I
glanced at him again, and this time I caught his stare. It was so unexpected
that I froze, and this time, he left his eyes on me for a few seconds before
turning away. I had to take a few deep breaths after that to keep my heart from
exploding in my chest.

*

I got into bed late that
evening, and was almost falling asleep when my laptop started ringing with a
video call from him.

I almost went into shock, but recovered enough to
accept it just before it disconnected.

“Hi,” he
said,
when his face
came into view.

“Hey,” I responded, and that was all we said for the next
few seconds. He eventually broke the ice.

"You have a chemistry test on Monday,” he said.

I frowned. "Why do you know about that?”

He ignored the question and went on. "We need to
study for that."

I sighed. “Okay, thank you. But first I want to ask you
something.”

“Shoot.”

“You um … there are times you act like, like you care
but then sometimes it’s like you don’t. Why?”

He was silent for a few moments before he said, “I
don’t understand.”

That made me angry. “You know exactly what I’m talking
about.”

“Lenora
don’t
do this.”

“What do you mean by
don’t do this
.”

 
“What do you
want me to say?”

“I want you to tell me what’s going on, and don’t you
dare act like it’s all in my head.”

He sighed. “It’s not, but everything’s fine.”

Just then Olivia walked in, so I told him to give me a
second as I reached under my desk for my earphones.

“Can you hear me?” I asked when I’d plugged them in.

He nodded.

“Please help me understand what’s going on.”

“Nora, there’s
noth
–” he
started, but I interrupted. I had to literally clench my teeth to keep myself
from yelling at him.

“Why won’t you talk to me?”

“There’s nothing to say,” he said.

“Really?”

“Yes.
Really.”

I cut the call on him.

*

The next day I went to the
library to sort out my own chemistry dilemma. It was my worst subject and after
the thrill of getting a ‘B’ on my second worst, which was math, I wanted to
give this as much effort as I could. Thirty minutes into the struggle, I’d
started to regret that I’d rejected Nathan’s offer to help me when I heard soft
footsteps approaching.

I looked up to see Nathan walking towards me. I’d hoped
that he’d look for me, but now that he was here, I didn’t want to have to deal
with him, because the confusion that both he and chemistry were bringing to my
life was too exhausting.

“What happened yesterday?” he asked when he reached the
front of my table. He sounded pissed.

“What do you mean?” I asked, trying to control my own
annoyance.

“You hung up on me!”

“Well, you kept avoiding my questions.”

“I didn’t avoid your questions.”

I sighed. “Nathan, you ignore me for weeks and then all
of a sudden start caring again, and you don’t think I need an explanation? Do
you really think I’m stupid?”

“Don’t put words in my mouth.”

“Well that’s the problem right there; you’re not
saying
anything. It seems like you
expect me to just go with the flow- to just ignore whatever you do and then of
course jump to the call whenever you decide that I’m worth your time. Well, I’m
sorry to disappoint you. You might think me dumb enough to do that, but I
can’t. I still respect myself.”

Rising to my feet, I gathered my things, and hoped that
as I walked past him that he would stop me. If not to say anything, but at
least to apologize and promise that he would make me understand as soon as he
could. But he didn’t.

I returned to my classroom, wondering how I had allowed
someone to be able to make me feel miserable.

*

My sour mood continued until
dinnertime, where I made sure not to even care if he was present. I was glad to
see James though, who came over to see what we were up to. He noticed that I
seemed unhappy and asked me what was wrong.

"Chemistry’s torturing her," Elisa supplied
with a bright smile.

He turned to me. "Is that really what’s
wrong?" he asked.

I frowned at her. “Don’t pay any attention to her, I’m
fine,” I said, but he wasn’t convinced.

"I could help you with it," he offered.
"I’m science savvy…”

“Yay,” I said in a flat tone.

He chuckled. “Seriously though, it's not that hard. I'm
sure it'll be easier for you when we're done. What time is your test?"

“It’s on Monday, but don’t worry about it; I’ll sort
myself out before then.”

“Are you sure?”

“I am. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” he said, and left a few minutes later
when he was done talking to Elisa. They seemed to be more familiar with each
other than I’d originally thought.

I returned to my room after dinner and spent the rest
of the weekend trying to figure out my chemistry notes, and filling in my
journal. Despite the fact that I’d barely ever been able to keep a journal and
update it regularly, this one was filling up quite nicely.

I wrote everything I could remember about Nathan and
I
. At first it was just for closure, but then I got lost in
it, and then sad, because as the days passed, I realized that this could very
well be the end for the both of us.

*

My test on Monday morning was
as horrible as I’d expected, and that set my mood for the rest of the week. I
was withdrawn from everyone, even Elisa, and by the end of the week, I realized
I was back to the way I’d been before I’d met Nathan.

My time with him hadn't exactly been blue skies, but at
least I’d reacted during that period – I’d laughed and I’d cried and I’d been
excited. But now I was just bored and hurt and back to wishing again that I
didn’t feel.

We had socials that weekend. The party was held in the
open field that separated the house area from the main school block, and
despite Elisa’s pleas to accompany her, I’d stayed in my room and dozed on and
off to the soft sound of Simon and Garfunkel’s ‘The
Sound of Silence’
. It was a really old song that my mum had always
listened to, but it wasn’t till she’d died that I’d been able to understand,
and come to resonate with its lyrics. Now, whenever I felt as heavyhearted as I
currently did, I listened to it, and somehow, it calmed me.

By two a.m., the racket of exhausted students as they
returned to their rooms drew me from my sleep. The party was over, but my night
had just started. I stayed up reading a novel, but my mind constantly wandered
back to Nathan. I kept wondering if he had attended the party, and if he had,
who he had gone with. A few hours later, Elisa came in and climbed into bed
with me.

"Enjoy the party?" I asked, and she smiled
before letting out a wide yawn. I got up from the bed and went to stand by the
window; it was starting to rain outside.

"How come Olivia isn’t back yet?”

I shrugged. “She’s probably with her sister.”

"Alex was there," she said quietly. “He
didn’t stay for long though.”

I’d decided that I wasn’t going to ask- because it
didn’t matter, but I couldn’t help myself. “Did he go with anyone?”

“I don’t think so. I did see him with Marilyn at some
point but he left before the party was even halfway through. I told you, you
should have come.”

I returned to the bed. “So now I should plan my life
based on Nathan’s decisions?”

She
frowned. “I always get confused when you use that name. Why not just call him
Alex?”

“I
prefer Nathan,” I said, and dragged the covers over us.

"Anyway, where do you think you’ll be spending
your midterms?"

"I usually spend it back home, but I’m thinking of
staying back this time around."

She instantly shot up from the bed, displacing the
duvet that I’d just arranged over us. I sighed.

"Really?" she beamed excitedly. "Who’re you
planning to stay with?"

"Uh … I’m not sure right now." I answered,
amused at how excited she’d become.

"You could stay with me," she said. "I
mean there's plenty of space back at home, well not plenty but it’s more than
enough for you. And you'd love my family. And my mum will love you, she'll have
someone she can boss around and compare me to for a fortnight. And my brothers,
they're still little but they're adorable. There'll be work though, both in the
house and at the bookstore, but it'll be fun. I promise."

"Your family owns a bookstore?" I asked.

"Mm-
hm
," she
grinned. "It’s not huge but it’s okay. I’m sure you’ll like it.”

“I’m sure I will,” I said, beginning to feel excited
too. “I’ll ask my dad and see what he says. I’ll get back to you soon.”

"Okay!" she squealed, before returning to her
side of the bed.

"Let’s have a makeover." she said out of the
blue.

I immediately refused.

"Come on," she urged. “It'll be fun, I
promise – and no funny stuff. You can
revert
it if
you're not okay with it."

“No.” I repeated, but she kept on talking about it
until I finally agreed. She left to get her things and returned a few minutes
later with a huge pink bag. She unzipped it and brought out a hair dryer.
Leaning forward for a closer look, I saw that she had almost everything in
there; a curling iron, hairbrushes and a couple of smaller bags in the same
striped pattern as the main one. I hesitated for a moment, but pushed my
concern aside when I saw the sparkle in her eyes as she waited for me to get up
and go over to my desk.

An hour and some minutes later, we were in front of the
mirror in my wardrobe and admiring my new hairdo. She had first of all
straightened my hair and then curled into soft shiny waves that I just couldn’t
stop ruffling.

“Stop ruining it,” she pleaded but I couldn’t help it;
it felt fantastic.

"It doesn't matter,” I said. “I’m going to ruin it
before Monday anyway,"

"Obviously, but at least let me savor my hard work
for today. I know you're not going to let me do this again.”

"Fine," I said, unable to drag my gaze away
from the mirror. I looked beautiful. It was amazing how much difference a good
hairdo could make.

My mind wandered to Nathan, and I found myself
wondering what his reaction would be if he saw me like this. I smiled sadly and
ran my fingers through the curls again.

I missed him – a lot – and it annoyed me that life
could be so complicated that a simple friendship between two people couldn’t
even be sustained. I pushed him out of my mind and strengthened my resolve to
forget about him.

I knew I’d failed woefully when hours
later,
I was re-curling my hair in preparation for dinner. I
tried not to think of the real reason for the care in my appearance, but I
could see a knowing look in Elisa's eyes when she came into my room and saw what
I was doing. Thankfully, she kept her comments to herself and soon we were on
our way to the dining hall.

When we arrived, the place was as rowdy as usual but
our usual seats had been occupied. Elisa spotted Matthew and immediately
started to pull me along. I refused to go with her.

“It’s Nathan’s table.” I said.

“You don’t have to talk to him.” she said, and didn’t
wait for me to argue. She pulled me along and I ended up sitting next to the
spot that Nathan usually sat in. Elisa sat beside Matthew, which was opposite
me, and immediately forgot that I existed as she chatted away with him.

James was also at the table and had started talking to
me as soon as I sat down. I enjoyed speaking to him, but still felt nervous
about the moment that Nathan would come in. I hadn’t spoken to Nathan since the
day in the library, and I was nervous. Maybe things would be better if we saw
each other now, I allowed myself to hope, but when we had already collected our
meals and he still hadn’t showed up, I finally accepted that he wasn’t going to
come.