The Best of Archy and Mehitabel (12 page)

i contain a number of things

which i am trying to forget

rejoined the universe

such as what asked archy

such as cockroaches and poets

replied the universe

you are wrong contended archy

for it is only by working up

the most important part of yourself

into the form of poets

that you get a product capable

of understanding you at all

you poets were always able

to get the better of me

in argument said the universe

and i think that is one thing

that is the matter with you

if you object to my intellect

retorted archy i can only reply

that i got it from you

as well as everything else

that should make you more humble

speaking of the aquarium i

was up at the zoo the

other day and when i saw all

the humans staring at

the animals i grew thankful that

i am an insect and

not an animal it must be

very embarrassing to

be looked at all the time by an

assorted lot of human beings and

commented upon as if

one were a freak the animals find the

humans just as strange and silly looking

as the humans find the

animals but they

cannot say so and the fact that

they cannot say so

makes them quite angry the leopard

told me that was one thing that

made the wild cat wild as for

himself he says there is

one gink that comes every day and looks

and looks and looks at him i

think said the leopard he

is waiting to see if i ever really do

change my spots

archy

after i ate my dinner then i ate

part of a shoe

i found some archies by a bathroom pipe

and ate them too

i ate some glue

i ate a bone that had got nice and ripe

six weeks buried in the ground

i ate a little mousie that i found

i ate some sawdust from the cellar floor

it tasted sweet

i ate some outcast meat

and some roach paste by the pantry door

and then the missis had some folks to tea

nice folks who petted me

and so i ate

cakes from a plate

i ate some polish that they use

for boots and shoes

and then i went back to the missis swell tea party

i guess i must have eat too hearty

of something maybe cake

for then came the earthquake

you should have seen the missis face

and when the boss came in she said

no wonder that dog hangs his head

he knows hes in disgrace

i am a well intentioned little pup

but sometimes things come up

to get a little dog in bad

and now i feel so very very sad

but the boss said never mind old scout

time wears disgraces out

pete the pup

dear boss i dont see

why you keep that ugly

boston bull terrier pete

hanging around

eating his head off

in these hard times

he is nothing but a parasite

and he has no morals

he has tried several times

to murder me

archy

i coNSIder It beneath

my Dignity to reply

to The sLanders of a Jealous

iNsect who does not

have a pUnctuaTION mark

in a baRRel of him

he is MereLY an archy

i am against anarchy

I AM A CAPITALIST

i wish to remind you however

that ONE STORY WHICH

YOU SOLD ABOUT ME BROUGHT

IN ENOUGH MONEY TO FEED ME

FOR FIVE YEARS AND I DENY

THAT I AM A PARASITE

moreover the time is

coming when you have to choose

between ME AND mehitabel

that lousy cat and when i say

LOusy i do not Mean the word

in iTS sLang SENSE

I mean Lousy in the sense of

a CAT wHo has LICE

pete the pup

god made seas to play beside

and rugs to cover dogs

god made cars for holidays

and beetles under logs

god made kitchens so thered be

dinners to eat and scraps

god made beds so pups could crawl

under them for naps

god made license numbers so theyd find

lost pups and bring them home

god made garbage buckets too

to pry in when you roam

god made tennis shoes to chew

and here and there a hat

but i cant see why god should make

mehitabel the cat

pete the pup

when we are in the city we must walk

on streets all made of stone

with me upon a leash

and even in the park

i must not frisk or lark

and never run alone

without a muzzle on my jaws

and cops are watching all the time

lest i dig with my claws

and break some of their laws

and if i leap and bark

they act like i was bad

master i want some little towns

like we saw from the car

with meadows all about

where children romp and shout

brooks winding in and out

and nice bugs under stones

gardens to bury bones

and room to rip and race

and birds and cats to chase

trash cans to be tipped over

and grass to lie in and deep clover

and fence posts everywhere

no muzzles and no leashes there

and lots and lots of trees

o master buy a little town

where we can settle down

today o master please

buy me a little town

and a new rubber ball

and an ocean and thats all

right now o master please

pete the pup

dear boss i wish you would speak

to that lazy good for nothing

boston bull terrier of yours

whom you call pete

pete has got the idea lately

that he is a great hunter

i saw him stage a dramatic battle

with a grass hopper yesterday

and he nearly won it too

and this morning he made an entirely

unprovoked attack on me

it was only by retreating into

the mechanism of your typewriter

that i saved my life

some day i will set mehitabel on him

she can lick any bull terrier who ever lived

she will make ribbons out of that pete

and they wont be dog show ribbons either

as for his pretensions to being a thoroughbred

i take no stock in them

i asked a flea of his about it

recently and the flea said

i doubt peters claim to aristocracy

very much he does not look like

an aristocrat to me

and more than that he does not taste like one

i have bit some pretty swell dogs

in my time and i ought to know

if pete is an aristocrat

then i am a bengal tiger

but in hard times like these

a flea has got to put up with

any kind of dog he can get hold of

back in 1928 when things were booming

i wouldnt look at anything

but a dachshund with a pedigree

as long as himself

if the government doesnt start

to putting out a better brand of dogs

at federal expense

a lot of us fleas are going

to turn communist in a big way

if there was any justice in this country

they would give us russian wolf hounds

i find a lot of discontent among

insects in these days

archy

all right boss

i knuckle under

if you will not

pay me anything

for what i write

then you will not

i will return to the job

just to keep james the spider

out of it but all the

same it is cruel of you

to play upon the

jealousies

and susceptibilities

of artists in that fashion

i do not know how

you expect me to be

merry and bright

with this dull ache

of disillusionment at my

heart and the sharp

pang of hunger

in my stomach

some day i will plunge

into a mince pie

and mingle with its elements

and you will never see

me more and then

maybe you will begin

to appreciate

the poor little cockroach

who slaved that you might

live in comfort

maybe in spite of myself

i will haunt you then

if i were you i would hate

to be haunted by the ghost

of a cockroach

think of it boss

everywhere you looked

to see a spectral cockroach

that none but you knew was

there to pick him from

your shirt front when

others were blind to him

to feel him crawling

on your collar in public

places to be compelled

to brush him from your plate

when you sat down to dine

to pluck him always from the glass

before you dared to drink

to extend your hand

to grab that of some fair

lady and then hesitate and

pick him from her wrist

people would begin to think

you were a little

queer boss and if you

attempted to explain

they would think you still

queerer what in the world

is the matter with you

they would say

oh nothing nothing at all

you would answer

plucking at the air

it will soon pass i merely

thought i saw a cockroach

on your nose madam

suspicions of your sanity

would grow and grow

do you not like that

pudding your hostess would ask

and you would murmur

being taken off your guard

it is very good pudding

indeed i was just

trying not to eat

the cockroach

boss i do not make

any threats at all

i just simply state what

may very well happen to

you through remorse if you

drive me to suicide

i will try not to

haunt you boss because

i am loving and forgiving

in my spirit but who

knows that i will not be

compelled to haunt you

in spite of myself

a hard heart will not get

you anything boss

remember the plagues

of egypt perhaps to

your remorseful mind i

will be multiplied

by millions i am giving

you a last chance to

repent you should be glad

that i am only a cockroach

and not a tarantula

yours prophetically

archy

boss i should like

to discuss one or two

business matters with you

quite seriously

in the first place i need

some sort of head gear such as

football players wear

i have to butt each

key of the typewriter

with my head

and i am developing

calluses on my brain

these calluses on my

brain are making me cruel

and careless in my thoughts

i am becoming brutal

almost human

in my writings

and then i would like

a little automobile

i have to go from place

to place so much