The Birth Order Book (20 page)

She has many options—moving out, serving papers, confronting the other woman—but she doesn’t really want to do anything. She grew up a pleaser, always trying to avoid rocking the boat. Now she has become a victim and indulges in victim thinking. She will hang tough with her cheating hubby until the bitter end, and he knows it.

Donald Trump: Deals Are His Art Form

On the other hand, the aggressive, competitive middle child may use his or her negotiating and mediating skills to become a skilled entrepreneur. Possibly the most outstanding example of this is Donald Trump, one of the more flamboyant real estate wheeler-dealers of the twentieth and twenty-first centuries.

Trump is the fourth born of five who looked above at two older sisters and a firstborn big brother, Freddy Jr. Father Trump was grooming Freddy Jr. to take over and follow in his footsteps as a hard-driving builder and manager of huge apartment buildings in New York City, but there was a problem. Freddy Jr. was a complacent, compliant firstborn who wanted to please. Donald, eight years younger than his oldest brother, took over the position of successor to his father more or less by default, and his career in real estate was launched.

This sounds like a role reversal, but it isn’t. To have a true role reversal, Donald would have to be within two years of Freddy. Instead, because there was an eight-year gap between Freddy, the firstborn son, and Donald, the next son to be born in the family, Donald was able to develop a lot of firstborn qualities of his own despite having those two older sisters above him. The Trumps are a good example of how a large gap between same-sex children can make a huge difference in the roles they eventually play in the family.

When I’m doing a seminar, people sometimes come up to me and say, “I’m a middle child, but I feel I have an awful lot of firstborn qualities as well.” When I start to probe a little in their family relationships, I usually discover a situation with similarities to what happened with Donald Trump, who became a functional firstborn due to certain variables at work in his family.

In his autobiography, Trump speaks of making deals:

I don’t do it for the money. I’ve got enough, much more than I’ll ever need. I do it to do it. Deals are my art form. Other people paint beautifully on canvas or write wonderful poetry. I like to make deals, preferably big deals. That’s how I get my kicks. . . . The real excitement is playing the game. I don’t spend a lot of time worrying about what I should have done differently, or what’s going to happen next. If you ask me exactly what the deals . . . all add up to in the end, I’m not sure I have a very good answer. Except that I’ve had a very good time making them.
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Nixon and Bush Sr.: Skilled in Diplomacy

If I were to ask you to name two US presidents of the latter twentieth century who were considered skilled in foreign affairs and diplomacy, who would come to mind? Many political observers would say Richard Nixon or George Bush. It just so happens that both men were middle children.

You may recall that I mentioned how Nixon did a role reversal on his older brother because of the older brother’s ongoing illness. Nonetheless, Nixon also grew up learning how to negotiate and mediate. A major reason for this may have been that his younger brother was born only twelve months after him, which meant that baby Richard got very little experience at being the baby of the family. Instead, he was quickly thrust into the middle child role.

Middle children are the most secretive of all birth orders.

Secrets about the Middle Child

Although middle children are not as easy to paint in clear and vivid colors as firstborns or only children, we do know some things that can help adult middle children function with a better understanding of themselves and how they relate to others.

You are more of a closed book than an open one.
Studies show middle children are the most secretive of all birth orders.
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If this applies to you, realize you could be displaying the “burned child” reaction. The burned middle child experiences the world as paying him less attention than it did his older or younger siblings. This leads you to play it closer to the vest with your relationships.

As a rule, you do not choose to confide in very many people. This is not necessarily a minus; in fact, in some cases it may be the wise thing to do. But it can also backfire. It’s interesting to note that President Nixon got into all kinds of Watergate troubles because of being secretive. His effort to cover up what had gone on eventually led to his impeachment.

For one of the times I appeared on Leeza Gibbons’s TV show, the program dealt with birth order and was titled “Born First, Born Last . . . What’s My Destiny?” One of the families that appeared on the show included a mother and four daughters who fit into typical birth order stereotypes right down the line. The thirdborn girl was shy, a peacemaker who didn’t want anyone in the family to be fighting or mad at one another. She was also very secretive, something I’ve seen borne out in so many middle children over the years.

This child’s destiny will more likely than not include being very secretive in her marriage, and I hope she chooses a man who is very patient and willing to listen and draw her out. Being secretive and closed is not the best quality to bring to a marriage. I have counseled too many middle children who were simply not communicating with their spouse.

You are likely to be mentally tough and independent.
While in graduate school, I often heard that middle children are the last to seek the services of helping professionals such as psychologists, counselors, or pastors. After I got out into the real world and began counseling people, I quickly saw that my own caseload bore out exactly what I had learned in school.

Who would show up more often in my office? Firstborn engineers, doctors, people in professions that are demanding and exacting. Why would firstborns (and only children) top the list? One reason, of course, is that firstborns and only children have the most hang-ups (usually caused by overly demanding parents). At the same time, they are logical, scholarly, organized people who are much more likely to analyze their plight and seek help. Because firstborns have always bought into authority figures, they have no problem with coming to psychologists, counselors—people who
know
— for help.

The next largest group to ask for help? Lastborns—the babies who are used to being cared for and helped.

My smallest group of counselees has always been middle children. But I’m not surprised. The reason could lie in the burned-child reaction coming out (or perhaps the burned child wants to stay in hiding). Another explanation is that middle children tend to be mentally tough and independent, qualities they acquired while learning to cope with feelings of rejection and being a fifth wheel while growing up.

It’s fine to be tough and independent. It’s foolish, however, to refuse to get the help you may need. I urge any middle child who is in a situation where counseling might do some good to sit down and think it through carefully. You might be cutting off your nose to spite your face because you’re nurturing a grudge you got way back on that day when your older sister got to go to the beach and you didn’t, and then a couple of hours later, you got grounded for a month when you clobbered your little brother for being such a pest.

Teenage middles often run with the pack.
If you’re a middleborn parent with teenagers, you may well understand why your own children are out running with the pack. Possibly you gave your own parents fits by going along with what they thought was the wrong crowd. (For more help as a parent, read
Have a New Kid by Friday
,
Making Children Mind without Losing Yours
, and
Running the Rapids
.)

Because of being squeezed and feeling like they don’t really fit in at home, middle children have a deep need to belong. The pack fills the bill.

I counsel many families where the parents are worried about a child who seems to be hanging with the wrong crowd. Granted, not all these children are middleborn, but middleborns seem to turn up with this problem more than do those of other birth orders. Firstborns seem to be the least inclined to run with the pack, mainly because they are such natural leaders. Lastborns may run with the pack strictly because they like to explore and take risks, but middle children have deeper reasons. Because of being squeezed and feeling like they don’t really fit in at home, middle children have a deep need to belong. The pack fills the bill.

You’re likely to be the most faithful marriage partner.
Studies also show that middleborns rate as the most monogamous of all birth orders.
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No surprise here. Middle children grow up feeling they don’t fit in that well at home, so when they start their own family, they are extra motivated to make their marriage work.

Another way to say this is that middle children are loyal. They are far more prone to stick to their commitments than other birth orders are. While this is an excellent quality, it can lead to a lot of pain for a middle child spouse who is being taken advantage of by a mate who is unfaithful, abusive, or dominating.

You probably embarrass easily.
Again, we can’t lay a blanket judgment on any birth order, but studies show that middleborns are much more prone to embarrassment, but of course they will never admit it.
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Why would the middle child admit to embarrassment? That in itself would be embarrassing!

Middle children are loyal. They are far more prone to stick to their commitments.

This is one of the areas where the paradox of middle children becomes most apparent. While they are prone to embarrassment, middleborns are often rebellious as far as convention is concerned, something that could obviously put them in embarrassing situations. Alfred Adler characterized the firstborn by saying he or she likes “the exercise of authority and exaggerates the importance of rules and laws.” As for the second child, “he will be inclined to believe . . . there is no power in the world which cannot be overthrown.”
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Middle Ground: Not a Bad Place to Stand

Like any other birth order, being a middle child has its pluses and minuses, but when you add it all up, the middle ground is not a bad spot at all on which to stand. All the research shows that middleborns do not have as many hang-ups or problems as firstborns or only children (and that’s obviously one reason why they don’t show up in great numbers in counseling offices). Yes, I realize that you may be a middleborn who thinks your siblings got all the privileges or the breaks or the spoiling while you had to toe the mark. But did it really hurt you that much? Maybe it did you some good!

All the research shows that middleborns do not have as many hang-ups or problems as firstborns or only children.

Privileges and breaks are not necessarily that great. There are almost always strings attached. That’s why studies show that laterborn children are less fearful and anxious than firstborns. While new parents are handing out all those privileges and breaks to the firstborn, they are also transmitting their fears and anxieties as they wrestle with problems and crises they’ve never seen before. In addition, they usually have high expectations, which put pressure on their firstborn child.

So by the time you—the middle child—came along, your parents almost certainly were more relaxed than they were when your older brother or sister arrived. That firstborn sibling of yours ran interference for you—what I call “snowplowing the roads of life.”

Granted, not all firstborns simply snowplow the roads of life for their little brother or sister. They may charge down the road so hard and so fast that they leave the middle child feeling left in the dust. Alfred Adler, the father of birth order psychology, was a middle child himself. And while he thought being a middle child was a fairly safe spot, he did admit that he often felt “put in the shade” by his older brother, a true firstborn who always seemed to be outdoing him at every turn. At one point Adler said, “My eldest brother . . . is a good industrious fellow—he was always ahead of me—and for the matter of that he is
still
ahead of me!”
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Even if you had to live in the shadow of a crown prince or princess, there is no point in wasting time in self-pity. With true middleborn resourcefulness, be thankful for the experience. At least it gave you empathy for people who don’t always get to be the star. Kathy Nessel, a fellow psychologist, is a middle child herself. I like the way she sums up the advantages of “middledom”:

Middle children are tenacious adults because we are used to life being rather unfair. Our expectations are lower; consequently, we are more accepting in a relationship. The middle child may say, “Well, this isn’t perfect, but it is kind of nice.” We are not as driven as firstborns, but then again neither are we as compulsive.
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A middle child client of mine echoed Kathy Nessel’s words when he said, “Being a middle child of three wasn’t easy, but as an adult I really believe I can cope with problems better because I got a lot of good training in give-and-take while I was growing up. I’m glad I wasn’t first, and I’m glad I wasn’t last. I’m glad I’m me!”

All of this suggests that perhaps the best word for the middle child is
balanced
. And in this topsy-turvy world, being balanced is not a bad way to fly.

Assessing Your Strengths and Weaknesses

Are you a middleborn? In what areas do you struggle? In what areas do you succeed? As we end this chapter, take a look at the chart “Strengths and Weaknesses of Middle Children” below. Keep in mind that a lot of these may not apply to you since middle children are known for paradox and contradiction.