The Birth Order Book (16 page)

Work at doing one thing at a time. Finish A before going to B.

Expect less of yourself.
Perfectionists are famous for unrealistic expectations and for setting goals that are way out of human reach. What you may want to try is what I call “negative motivation.” I once worked with a professional baseball pitcher who was an extreme perfectionist. As long as he was ahead in the count, he could usually get batters out, but if he got behind—three balls and one strike, for example—he would more often than not walk the hitter. And if someone made an error in the field behind him, he’d usually fall apart.

After I worked with him for several sessions, he got traded to another team. One day I was fortunate enough to be in the same city where this player’s team had a game. I went to the ballpark and managed to get down near the dugout and get his attention. He was pleasantly surprised to see me, and I was pleased to learn he was five wins and no losses to that point in the season.

“Don’t worry, Doc,” he said with a grin, “I never forgot what you told me. Every time I walk out to the pitcher’s mound, I tell myself, ‘Maybe today’s the day I’m going to blow it.’”

That may sound like crazy advice, but for this extreme perfectionist it worked. It helped him acknowledge that there were going to be days when he would go out there and blow it. Once he accepted that, he was able to relax and pitch up to his potential because he literally expected less of himself and wasn’t paralyzed by his perfectionism.

Become skilled at saying no.
This is especially important if you are a firstborn or only child who wants and needs the approval of others.

Perfectionists get trapped in situations where they say yes when they really want to say no. Not being able to say no raises the perfectionist’s frustration level to the point where he or she is literally ready to explode.

But if you can’t say no, you’ll never be able to say yes to life. In other words, you’ll not have a life of your own because too many people will be taking advantage of you and pulling you in a dozen different directions to get what they want out of you. I’m not talking about fair-weather friends or even enemies. These people who make unreasonable demands on your time are often your own family. And it’s hardest to tell a husband or a child, or maybe your mother or father, “No, I can’t do that,” or, even better, “No, I really don’t want to do that—it’s not me.”

If you can’t say no, you’ll never be able to say yes to life.

But it’s amazing what will happen if you learn to say no in a very respectful and gentle way. You will stop saying yes to headaches and stomach problems, and people will start backing off and will not try to take advantage of you as much.

Work on becoming an optimist.
Perfectionists usually see the proverbial glass as half-empty. Change this pessimistic view to one that sees the glass as half-full. Positive thinking is not just a cliché that turned Dr. Norman Vincent Peale’s books into bestsellers. It really works because it can be one of the most powerful psychological forces on earth. So start using it in simple ways. Think about and meditate on things you are thankful for. More importantly, think about people you are thankful for and why.

When you are tempted to think about what went wrong today, remind yourself of at least three things that went right. If you can’t think of anything that went right today, go back a day in time. The key is to focus on the good, not the bad. And think about what can happen during the coming days and coming weeks that will be enjoyable.

Change your self-talk.
I mentioned this in chapter 5, but it bears repeating because it’s a key to controlling perfectionism. Here are some examples of changing negative self-talk to positive self-talk:

Instead of saying, “I hate these staff meetings,” say, “I’m not much for staff meetings, but I’m looking forward to this one because I may learn something.”

Instead of saying, “I can’t do this; I’ll make a fool of my-self,” say, “I can do this. I don’t have to be afraid because the other people there won’t be judging me.”

Instead of saying, “I can’t talk in front of a group,” say, “Talking to groups isn’t my favorite sport, but I’m prepared, and what I have to say this time is important.”
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Positive self-talk is a great tool for dealing with feelings of inadequacy and not being liked. Instead of dwelling on your weaknesses, make a list of your strengths and dwell on those. As for your imperfections, keep telling yourself that imperfect people can be very approachable and likable.

When you are tempted to think about what went wrong today, remind yourself of at least three things that went right.

Get rid of grudges.
So you were insulted, or your lovely work was not appreciated as much as it should have been. A grudge is a heavy burden, and all it does is sap your energy. Realize that people make mistakes and sometimes say things they don’t mean or they regret. The world still goes on, so why waste your time and energy carrying that grudge? Give yourself—and the other person—a break and move on.

Don’t let life blow out your candle.
Stop for a minute and think of five to ten of your early childhood memories. (For more on why this is so important, see
What Your Childhood Memories Say about You
.
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) They may be only faint glimpses, scenes that flash across your mind, but those little glimpses still mean something. If not, they wouldn’t have stuck in your memory for all these years. Part of Adlerian psychology says that early childhood memories are consistent with the way a person sees life as an adult. In fact, these early recollections of life—what happened, good or bad—are usually symbolic of a person’s entire lifestyle.

Make a list of your strengths and dwell on those.

When I asked a man in his twenties for an early childhood memory, he spoke of looking out the window and watching the other boys flying kites in a stiff breeze. It seemed to him that ever since he could remember, he had been standing on the sidelines watching other people have fun. That was one of the reasons he had come to see me for help. He was still basically watching life go by and not doing much with his potential, even though he was gifted in several areas. He was always wishing he was like others who were involved, active, and successful—the people he admired and envied.

Of course, you already guessed the young man’s birth order. He was the oldest in his family, and you’ve probably already guessed what his parents were like—perfectionists and overly demanding. The reason this man lacked self-confidence to try much of anything was obvious: his parents had blown out his candle at an early age.

Not all firstborns and only children wind up like this young man. But he is a good example of how firstborns or onlies can become discouraged perfectionists. They have so much going for them—ambition, strong power of concentration, excellent organizational and planning skills, and creative thinking. They are precise, meticulous, and have excellent memories. They usually come across as leaders and are looked up to by the rest of us. In short, they have it together.

But having it together is not a guarantee that you can’t get out of balance and become a victim of your own perfectionism. Perfectionists constantly have to work at being open, tolerant, and patient—with others and themselves. It won’t happen overnight, but every step you take toward pursuing excellence, instead of perfection, will reap rewards in every area of your life.

7
The Lonely Only, Super Firstborn
Only Children

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f you are a typical only-child perfectionist, you may have turned to this chapter muttering, “About time—it’s already page 131 and the only child has barely been mentioned—just sort of lumped in with firstborns like some kind of vestigial organ.” (And of course, as an only child, you’re using words that the rest of us have to look up in the dictionary.)

If that’s what you’re thinking, I understand. Lonely onlies tend to be critical—and even more than a bit self-centered. After all, the only child has a unique advantage/disadvantage: he or she has never had to compete with siblings for parental attention, favor, or resources.

In this distinction there is good news and bad news. The good news is that it helps make the only child more confident, articulate, and seemingly on top of things. The bad news is that he or she has never learned to deal with brothers and sisters. The only child doesn’t have to share with siblings or to go second sometimes. It leaves the only child self-centered by default, and depending on how he or she was parented, the confident outer shell may hide someone who feels inferior, is rebellious, and is always trying to prove he or she is good enough. And that brings us right back to the classic signs of being a discouraged perfectionist.

The only child has a unique advantage/ disadvantage: he or she has never had to compete with siblings for parental attention, favor, or resources.

A Bad Rap

Only children still get a bad rap. One survey of college students seemed to prove that only children are perceived as more self-centered, attention seeking, unhappy, and unlikable than those who grew up with siblings.
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This survey seemed to echo the label put on only children back in the 1920s by none other than Alfred Adler, the pioneer psychologist who made birth order such an important part of his school of thinking. In one of Adler’s most important books, he penned the infamous judgment, “The only child has difficulties with every independent activity and sooner or later they become useless in life.”
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With all due respect to a patron saint of my profession, I must challenge Adler’s statement on two counts. First, it has a slight grammar problem (which to a baby of the family like me is no big deal), but far more important is that what he says about only children as a total group is simply not true.

Exactly how and why Alfie Adler came to this conclusion is hard to say. Perhaps he’d just had a long day counseling an only child—perhaps several only children. Whatever happened, he put a very erroneous blanket label on a birth order that has turned out some outstanding names in all walks of life.

If Adler really believed that only children as a rule would turn out having difficulties with being independent and would wind up useless, he would have had a hard time explaining US presidents Gerald Ford and Franklin D. Roosevelt, the only man to be elected four times; premier journalist Ted Koppel; magician extraordinaire David Copperfield; and football greats Roger Staubach and Joe Montana, legendary quarterbacks in the National Football League.

Other only children who lived fairly useful lives include Leonardo da Vinci, the Duchess of Windsor, Charles Lind-bergh, Indira Gandhi, and Isaac Newton.

Qualities of an “Only”

Little adult by age seven, very thorough, deliberate, high achiever, self-motivated, fearful, cautious, voracious reader, black-and-white thinker, talks in extremes, can’t bear to fail, has very high expectations for self, more comfortable with people who are older or younger

If we care to look into the business world, we need certainly to consider Robert E. Allen, CEO of AT&T; Carl Icahn, architect of some of the biggest corporate takeovers in history; and T. Boone Pickens, billionaire oil tycoon.

The forty-fourth president of the United States—Barack Obama— is an only child. He’s a functional only child because he has a sister he grew up with. However, his only-child personality was already formed by age 9, when she came into his life, and she was his half sister.

T. Boone Pickens: “Birth Order Makes Sense”

The first time I met T. Boone Pickens, we were on the same TV talk show, pushing books we had just written. As we sat in the green room waiting to go on, he saw me holding a copy of
The Birth Order Book
.

“What’s birth order?” Boone asked.

Since walking in, I had been watching Boone, so I thought I’d take a shot at guessing his birth order: “Well, you’re probably an only child, aren’t you?”

Boone looked at me rather strangely and said, “Why, yes! How did you know? Have we met?”

“I’m a psychologist, and birth order is something I use in my work.”

We started talking about birth order, and after ten minutes of my instruction, Boone was suggesting uses for birth order I’d never thought of!

A typical only child, Boone has a mind like the proverbial steel trap. He travels with an entourage of people, but something unique occurred that day. Boone went on first, before me. After his six-minute spot on the show, his entourage got up to head for the limo that would take them to the airport. But Boone said, “Everybody sit down. Dr. Leman’s on next, and we’re going to learn something about birth order.”

The first person you want to understand completely is
you
.

When I finished with my segment, Boone said something I’ll never forget: “You know, this makes sense. Big business and industry would be smart to pay attention to everyone’s birth order, I would think—especially when assigning certain jobs within the organization.”

Needless to say, my encounter with T. Boone Pickens made my day and then some. In a few minutes he had grasped what I had been trying to tell people for years. Boone could see that the first person you want to understand completely is
you
.
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It’s too bad T. Boone Pickens and Alfred Adler couldn’t have met and had a chat about only children being doomed to a useless life!