The Birth Order Book (31 page)

Read each statement and score 4 for always, 3 for often, 2 for sometimes, and 1 for seldom.

____ 1. She walks on eggshells to keep everyone happy.

____ 2. She wonders why she can’t do things right.

____ 3. She feels insecure and lacks confidence.

____ 4. Her father was or is authoritarian.

____ 5. She avoids confronting others because it “just isn’t worth it.”

____ 6. She’s often heard saying, “I should have . . .” or “I ought to . . .”

____ 7. She feels overpowered by her spouse and even her children.

____ 8. She gets little affection from others.

____ 9. She feels like hiding or running away from life’s hassles.

____ 10. Others (especially loved ones) know which buttons to push to make her feel guilty.

____ 11. She feigns agreement or approval when she feels just the opposite on the inside.

____ 12. She is easily persuaded by others and will go along with whoever talked to her last.

____ 13. She is afraid to try new things or take new risks.

____ 14. It embarrasses her to stand up for her rights or take the initiative.

____ 15. She gets little respect from her spouse/fiancé or her children.

No quiz like this can be absolute proof of anything, but it can give you some clues that may help you analyze your relationship to your spouse or fiancée.

If the ratings you gave this person add up to between 50 and 60, she would be considered a super-suffering pleaser who is easily manipulated and controlled. So the question is, who is doing the manipulating and controlling in her life? Could it be you?

Anyone scoring 40 to 49 is a discouraged or depressed pleaser for whom there is hope—if she is willing to take action and confront the person(s) doing the manipulating and controlling.

Anyone scoring 30 to 39 is a mildly discouraged pleaser. Her positives in life outweigh her negatives, but she still would like a little more respect, particularly from her loved ones.

Anyone scoring 29 or below falls into the “positive pleaser” category. She’s able to balance her very giving nature with being able to receive the love, support, and respect she wants and needs.

Counsel for the Controller/Pleaser Couple

If you and your marriage are suffering as a result of controller/ pleaser problems, here are my suggestions:

1.
If you are married to a controller, realize you are not going to change your spouse.
I tell husbands and wives, “Don’t try to use a Brillo pad on the leopard’s spots. You’ll only make the leopard angry.” In other words, you can only change
your own
behavior and way of interacting. Your spouse must decide to change on his or her own.

2.
If you are married to a controller, try being positive, but refuse to play your spouse’s controlling games.
Pleasantly but firmly refuse to be controlled. If you can force the controller’s hand, he must act differently, because the payoff is no longer there. The key is to let the controller know that if he wants to control himself, he is welcome. But when he tries to control everyone else in the family, something has to give.

You can only change
your own
behavior and way of interacting.

3.
If you are a particularly loud and blustery controller, try getting alone and ventilating feelings to yourself aloud.
People who have a hard time talking to others can really do much better by talking to themselves and learning to articulate their feelings in an acceptable way. Later they can try to communicate with their spouse in the same way. (Note: If your “controllerism” has reached any level of verbal or physical abusiveness, run—don’t walk—to the nearest competent professional therapist and get some help. Your loved ones don’t deserve such treatment from you. Nor will you respect yourself if this behavior continues.)

Let the controller know that if he wants to control himself, he is welcome. But when he tries to control everyone else in the family, something has to give.

4.
If perfection is your goal, you’ll always feel a void in your life.
You’ll never get to that goal. It is a hopeless, fruitless quest. You must have the courage to accept yourself and your spouse as you both are—imperfect people, still learning, growing, and changing.

You must have the courage to accept yourself and your spouse as you both are—imperfect people, still learning, growing, and changing.

5.
Don’t try to control everyone and everything.
It simply doesn’t work. For a marriage to be healthy and satisfying, and for two people to truly be one,
both
must be in control. And
both
must be free to do their own thing.

Martyrs and More

Each individual has his or her own unique lifestyle, but we can identify certain broad categories into which most men and women fit. Besides controllers and pleasers, there are many other broad descriptive labels for people, and many people can have more than one label. For example, a pleaser may also have a touch of the martyr or victim, both natural offshoots of wanting to please and always have the approval of others.

Martyrs have an uncanny ability to find losers who will walk on them, use them, or abuse them in some way.

Martyrs
are people who almost always have a poor self-image. They seek out others who will reinforce that poor self-image, primarily the people they marry.

Martyrs have an uncanny ability to find losers who will walk on them, use them, or abuse them in some way. Martyrs often wind up married to alcoholics, and they tend to enable their alcoholic mates by making excuses for them out of “love.”

Martyrs learn to be doormats while growing up, usually from fathers who were very strict, possessive, and controlling. Martyr wives often have husbands who wander, who have left them, or who are planning to leave them for other women. The reason is simple: a martyr isn’t worth pursuing. A doormat finally gets tiresome and worn out.

Martyrs suffer for a cause. Often the cause is a husband who has failed her in some way. The martyr wife makes excuses for her husband, vowing to “stand by her man” to the bitter end—and the end usually is bitter. Sad to say, many of the martyr wives I deal with have been taught to be “submissive” to their husband. At best, their interpretation of this teaching enables their controlling (and often chauvinistic) spouse to take advantage of them. At worst, they become victims of disrespect, neglect, and abuse.

Life Themes for Martyrs

“I count only when I suffer.”

“I count only when I’m taken advantage of.”

“I count only when I’m hurt by others.”

Close cousin to the martyr is the
victim.
The victim’s life themes are very similar to the martyr’s. Victims or martyrs could be called super pleasers or pleasers who have gone to seed. Victims, martyrs, and pleasers all have the same problem—low self-esteem. For victims and martyrs, the problem is simply much worse.

Many victims frequently use words like
me
,
my
, and
I
as they seek sympathy or pity while complaining about their misfortunes, aches, and pains. They often feel taken advantage of, but through all their complaining, victims get what they really want—to be the center of attention.

Through all their complaining, victims get what they really want—to be the center of attention.

Other martyrs or victims aren’t primarily after attention, but they keep their lifestyle because it’s “comfortable.” Perhaps the best illustration of sticking with something because it’s comfortable, though less than desirable, is the way I cling to my old pair of crummy, ragged, worn-out slippers. Sande is always tossing them out because they’re “gross.” She expects me to wear a new pair she gave me or one of the pairs the kids have bought me for Christmas or Father’s Day.

Of course, I immediately rescue my old slippers from the trash can, and once more she finds me wearing them, as crummy and ugly as ever.

“Why,” she wonders aloud, “do you insist on wearing those old, cruddy slippers when you have so many nice new pairs to choose from?”

All I can say in return is, “I wear them because they’re comfortable.”

The way I return to my crummy, old slippers is similar to the way martyrs and victims return to the same abusive relationship or continue to take the same guff they’ve been getting for years from family, friends, or co-workers. The abuse, lack of respect, being made fun of—whatever— is “comfortable.” This type of victim is sometimes called a disaster waiting to happen.

Life Themes for Victims

“I count only when I’m put down.”

“I count only when I’m mistreated.”

Another broad lifestyle category is the
attention getter
, which has some similarities to the controller. Whenever you’re gaining attention, you are trying to take control to some extent. Lastborns of the family often have this lifestyle. They are the powerful little buzzards in the family who are desperately seeking lots of attention, mainly because they see all those bigger buzzards (their siblings) circling above them in a rather intimidating way.

Life Themes for Attention Getters

“I count only when I gain attention by being entertaining.”

“I count only when I’m in the spotlight.”

“I count only when I’m the star.”

“I count only when I make people laugh.”

My own lifestyle is primarily attention getter because when I was very young, I perceived that I could never outdo my super-capable firstborn sister or my big brother. Obviously I had to take a different route. Because it was easy and fun, I chose to become the family clown.

My lifestyle was pretty well set by the time I was 5 or 6. (I’m not exactly sure because no psychologist dropped by to check on me.) After that, it was all downhill, so to speak, and whatever happened only confirmed my belief that I had to be funny and cute or a mischief maker. My life theme became “I count only when I gain attention by being entertaining.”

Meshing Lifestyles in Marriage

Lifestyles and lifelines don’t always have to cause tension in a marriage. Sometimes they can mesh nicely and be enjoyable, even when you put a manipulative lastborn husband together with a pleasing, gullible firstborn wife.

Just before we were to be married, I told Sande that there was a tradition in the Leman family that said the wife had to buy the marriage license. As we’ve seen, one of the strong traits in many firstborns is a willingness to please other people, and the pleasing firstborn is not as likely as a laterborn child to be worldly-wise and alert to the wiles of those trying to take advantage of them. In other words, my lovable wife is an easy mark.

So it was not surprising that she thought it was wonderful when I asked her to fork over five dollars for a wedding license. I took the five-dollar bill from her, laid it on the marriage license clerk’s desk, and said, “You’ve just started a tradition.”

She just laughed. I laughed too. We both knew I was trying to get through graduate school and was flat broke. She had the job, owned the car, and was our sole means of support. The whole thing was good for a laugh then, and we still chuckle about it today. At the time we both got a harmless payoff for the lifestyles we followed. I got noticed and had some fun; Sande got to play the pleasing role she enjoys so much.

What’s Your Lifestyle?

I’ve discussed in this chapter only a few of the possible life-styles people choose. There are many others. A
driver
is a goal-oriented person who must reach his objective at any cost. His life theme says, “I count only when I achieve” or “I count only when I get everything done.”

Another lifestyle I see quite often is the
rationalizer
, the person who tries to avoid or deny responsibility by throwing up a smoke screen of theory, facts, and opinions. The rationalizer’s life theme says, “I count only when I can find a good excuse or explanation” or “I count only when I can put on a front that makes me look good.”

A
goody-goody
, first cousin to the pleaser, is another common lifestyle. The goody-goody’s life theme may be “I count only when I follow the rules” or “I count only when I live a righteous life.”

Now that you have some basic information regarding life-styles and life themes (or lifelines), take the “Which Are You?” quiz on page 247 to assess what your lifestyle and lifelines are. Even better, have your spouse take the quiz at the same time and then exchange papers. It’ll make for intriguing dinner or coffee conversation for the two of you as you compare your individual perceptions of each other’s lifestyles and life themes.

Lying Lifelines Shorten Marriages

Today’s statistics tell us that the average marriage lasts seven years. No marriage will get very far if you and/or your spouse live out a lifeline that is so extreme and unhealthy that it becomes destructive to both of you. So why not abandon the lifelines that begin with “I count only when . . .” and begin to use ones that start with “I count because . . .” In marriage, you count because you are helping your spouse grow and mature.