The Birth Order Book (27 page)

The one ray of hope was that Shirley and George wanted to save their marriage. This was greatly encouraging because my approach to every marriage counseling case is the same: if a couple has stood before God and man and said, “I do, for better or for worse,” then they should try everything possible to stay together. So we had two firstborn perfectionists locking horns and banging heads, with the bedroom as their main battlefield. The first step toward unlocking horns was to suggest a less rigid and demanding schedule regarding sex. This really wasn’t too hard. Because of all the tension and fighting, they had already dropped down to “only” four times a week.

How to Fight Fair

1. Choose a setting where you won’t be interrupted.

2. Only one person talks at a time until he or she is done. Then it’s the other person’s turn.

3. Before you open your mouth, count to ten.

4. Hold hands and look each other in the eye.

5. Keep whatever is said between the two of you.

6. If feelings are too hot, agree to part for a few hours, but set a time to come back to discuss the issue.

7. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.

I gave Shirley and George several suggestions and techniques on how to relax and enjoy each other while they made sex a celebration instead of a performance (i.e., or-deal). (For more suggestions, see my books
Sheet Music
and
Turn Up the Heat
.) Soon they started making good progress as a couple. I also gave Shirley assignments of her own that she carried out very well. First, I had her admit to her perfectionism whenever she saw it popping up. This simple exercise started making her much more aware of the demands she was placing on herself as well as on others.

I also instructed Shirley to watch her expectations, to take smaller bites of life. That included learning to say no and refusing to take on more than she could handle. Like Kathleen in chapter 7, Shirley was a classic pleaser who worked outside the home, did all the housework herself, and also served on several volunteer committees in her community. She had been carrying a double load and then some as long as she and George had been married.

As Shirley learned to say no, she learned how to give her-self space. She quit living under the tyranny of her to-do list, which she had been literally taping to the steering wheel of her car to constantly remind her of all she had to get done that day. She planned less and managed to accomplish it, rather than finishing each day irritated and frustrated because she “had not gotten everything done.”

Just as predictably, the relationship between Shirley and George improved radically, particularly in bed. They started having sex less and enjoying it more!

Something else Shirley had to deal with was her image of George as a very dominating husband. Rather than her playing a passive role to George, I encouraged her to take a certain amount of initiative in their relationship, especially when it came to sex. I suggested things like “kidnapping” her husband from work and getting out of town to a nearby resort for an overnight. Another idea was taking time for a picnic lunch in the middle of a workday.

Perfectionist that she was, Shirley really threw herself into her new assignments with enthusiasm. I remember the delight she had when she told me of the time she picked up George after work for an evening that included a picnic supper, time in a hot tub, and staying at a hotel for the night. She had thought of everything, making the reservations and arranging for Grandma to stay with the kids.

Was George perfect in this relationship? No, I had to work with him on details of his own perfectionism and domineering nature. After all, it’s much easier to decide your spouse is the one who needs changing than to realize that you’re part of the problem. (For you ladies who long for your man to change, you’ll find
Have a New Husband by Friday
an informative and inspiring read.)

But while both spouses had problems, in this case it was Shirley who was the key to getting the marriage back on the right track. As soon as she started dealing positively with her perfectionism, she was able to rearrange priorities. As she started controlling her own expectations and goal setting, the scene changed. By marrying a man much like her father—domineering and critical—she had set herself up for failure. It was like a train that had been roaring full speed toward a washed-out bridge. But Shirley stopped the train, threw a switch, and got herself and George on a track that led to safety and happiness. I’m proud of her!

Sylvia Plus Mark Equaled No Communication

Another birth order marriage that can run into trouble is that of two middle children. As we saw in chapter 8, the middle child shoots off in his own direction, depending on the strengths and weaknesses of the firstborn ahead of him. The middle child can go in a lot of directions, but most middle children develop the ability to mediate, negotiate, and compromise.

In short, middle children are often diplomats, which sounds like a wonderful skill to carry into marriage, but ironically what often happens with two middle children is a tendency to desire peace at any price. They become avoiders—of their problems and eventually each other. Middle children prefer the oceans of life to be smooth. They don’t want to make waves, so the result can be a quiet surface with all kinds of storms brewing underneath because they are not communicating.

Such was the case with Sylvia, a quiet 32-year-old and thirdborn daughter in a family of five children. With two sisters above her and two boys below her, Sylvia got lost in the middle during her childhood and teenage years. She grew up shy, passive, and definitely an avoider of conflict. She tried to please her parents by taking over a lot of the care of her two younger brothers while their mother worked.

Middle children prefer the oceans of life to be smooth. They don’t want to make waves, so the result can be a quiet surface with all kinds of storms brewing underneath.

Mark was 29, the second of three children. His older brother had always been the best at everything, and his little sister got the typical “baby princess” treatment that often left Mark feeling as if he hadn’t gotten a fair shake.

Mark went outside the family early to find his own friends and social life, another classic mark of the middle child. One of those friends was Sylvia, his high school sweetheart, whom he married soon after graduation. Now, after eight years of marriage, Sylvia and Mark had two children, 7 and 4 years of age.

Mark didn’t want to make waves. He wanted to avoid conflict whenever he could, so the simplest solution was, “Sorry, I have to work late tonight.”

Sylvia arranged for the counseling, acting on the urging of one of her older sisters, who was tired of hearing her complain about feeling trapped with little children and unable to communicate with her husband. Sylvia was also worried about another woman because during the last few months Mark had been insisting he had to work longer hours at his job.

I talked separately with Sylvia and Mark. It turned out there was no other woman. As you may recall, the middle child is the most monogamous of all birth orders, and this was true in Mark’s case. It seemed one woman was all he could handle, especially when he felt she tried to run his life. Sylvia was still operating with Mark the way she had with her two younger brothers. She told him what to do, and Mark resented it, even when it came from a sweet, shy girl like his wife. But as a middle child, Mark didn’t want to make waves. He wanted to avoid conflict whenever he could, so the simplest solution was, “Sorry, I have to work late tonight.”

Sylvia, on the other hand, didn’t know how to approach Mark and could only guess what was going on. Communication was at zero when Sylvia came to me for help. Sylvia and Mark made good progress when they committed themselves to spending time talking after the kids were in bed and they could concentrate on each other. Having Mark share his feelings really helped Sylvia because his silence and secretive devotion to work had bothered her a great deal. Mark learned that he could tell Sylvia how he felt, and she would not reject him.

While Sylvia appreciated the talks with Mark, she admitted it was difficult to verbalize her own thoughts. I suggested that she supplement the talks by writing Mark positive notes now and then. Mark had to travel occasionally for his company, so Sylvia began slipping little notes and cards into his suitcase. Finding these little love notes and brief bits of encouragement between his shirts when he was unpacking in the hotel made the trips much easier for Mark.

Another plus that came out of the new effort to communicate was that Sylvia felt less trapped as the mother of two small children. Mark had his job as an outlet, and he learned to come home and say, “What can I do to help?” Sylvia was thrilled, and as Mark became more willing to be helpful around the house, she learned to back off on her “motherly” little ways of telling him what to do.

As middle children, Sylvia and Mark were really good candidates for marriage. The irony in their situation, however, is what faces any couple when both of them are middleborn. They may not communicate because their urge to avoid conflict and make the oceans of life smooth wins out over their natural tendency to be mediators and negotiators—which sounds like a paradox—and that’s how relationships often flounder.

Peter and Mary: Born Last, First in Debt

Marrying your own birth order is usually not a good idea for the babies in the family either. On the positive side, lastborns may have a ball during their courtship because they both have a fun-loving, go-for-broke nature. But once the lastborns are married, one of them better take responsibility for the family budget or they will “go for broke” indeed.

As a rule, lastborns cannot live on a tight budget.

By the time they came to see me, Peter and Mary, both babies of their families, were in serious difficulties with the bank and several other creditors. They were in their early thirties, had no children, and had a good income, but they were hopelessly in debt. Every credit card balance was well over the maximum, several store bills were overdue, and their car and ski boat were about to be repossessed. The only reason they weren’t in trouble on a house payment was that they were renting an apartment. And the only reason they weren’t behind in their rent was a no-nonsense landlord who threatened immediate eviction proceedings if the rent was even one day past the ten-day grace period.

All of this fiscal chaos led, of course, to marital warfare. Neither Peter nor Mary had been particularly overindulged as children, but when they got out on their own, as a married couple, they decided to live by the pleasure principle. If they saw something they wanted, they bought (that is,
charged
) it. They blamed each other for their overindulgence. Ironically enough, both were also overweight. There was no control anywhere in sight.

My first step with Peter and Mary was putting them in touch with a financial counselor. He put them on a tight budget, consolidated all their debts, and arranged a payment program. He even had them cut up all their credit cards. As a rule, lastborns cannot live on a tight budget. As a lastborn myself, I understand that perfectly. I leave it to my firstborn wife, Sande, to keep us out of debt.

Peter and Mary saw me only a few more times. Their real problem was money, not their marriage. They loved each other and were committed to staying together. Once they committed themselves to not buying anything on credit for at least two years, and to selling a couple of their “toys,” like the ski boat, they were well on their way to stability.

Peter and Mary are typical examples of how lack of order and stability are often weak links in the makeup of lastborns. As we saw in chapter 9, the lastborn child grows up spoiled, overindulged, coddled, and cuddled. This hardly helps them get basic training for running a budget. On the other side of the coin, lastborns are often treated as if they don’t know quite enough and are always behind, too young, too small, too weak, and “stupid.” Lastborns often develop an attitude that says,
Who cares anyway
?
I might as well have a little fun while I can.

Once Peter and Mary realized they could control their spending and still have fun, they enjoyed life with each other a whole lot more.

Simple Rules for Babies

1. Talk with your spouse about any potential purchases that are more than $100 before you make them.

2. Agree together that, other than purchasing a house and a car, if you don’t have the money in the bank or in your wallet to pay for a certain item, you don’t buy it.

3. If you see something you want to buy, walk away and wait twenty-four hours. Think, Do I really need that item? Or do I just want that item? And for how long will I want that item?

4. Agree together with your spouse on a certain sum of money each of you can spend each month for “fun money.” Each of you should have that money in cash in your own “fun jar.” When the money is gone for the month, it’s gone. There’s no dipping into the credit card, the checking account, or the savings account.

Which Birth Orders Make the Best Matches?

So what’s the best combination for a happy, satisfying, life-time marriage? Find someone with a different birth order.

Opposites not only attract, they are usually good for one another in a marriage setting. Psychologists have done studies that prove this theory.
1
According to their research, firstborns or only children and lastborns supposedly make the best match. Next come the middle children and lastborns.