The Birth Order Book (30 page)

Everyone has a
personal lifestyle
—a unique way of looking at oneself, other people, and the world. Every person sees life differently. For each of us, reality is what we see from behind our own eyes.

Everyone also has a
personal life theme
, or lifeline, which is lived out every day—actually, every moment. We may seldom state our life theme in so many words, but it is there, directing our every move.

Lifestyle
is a term coined by Alfred Adler, who founded the school of individual psychology in the early 1900s. Adler believed that from early infancy, all of us start forming an individual life plan that causes us to pursue certain life goals. According to Adler, we would not know what to do with ourselves if we were not oriented to some goal or objective. As he put it, “We cannot think, feel, will, or act without the perception of some goal.”
2

Adler believed that when a baby is born, he quickly sizes up what is going on around him (his environment) and starts forming his goals. Obviously he doesn’t do this consciously, making notes in his Blackberry or sharing it with his friends on Facebook, but the information is all being registered in his little brain nonetheless. Adler wrote, “The goal of each human being is probably formed in the first months of his life. Even at this time, certain sensations play a role which evoke a response of joy or comfort in this child. Here the first traces of a philosophy of life come to the surface, although expressed in the most primitive fashion.”
3

You may be wondering where genetics comes in. Does a child learn
everything
from his or her environment? Good question. Psychologists have long argued whether heredity or environment influences a human being the most. According to Rudolph Dreikurs, one of Alfred Adler’s leading disciples, a growing child experiences both heredity
and
environment and draws his own conclusions. As he experiences his environment (mainly his family), he discovers where he is skilled and strong and where he is weak and lacking in ability. As the child sorts out all of his experiences with their pluses and minuses, his personality takes shape.
4

Every child is born with the need for attention, and one of his or her primary goals is to gain attention in one way or another.

As an infant grows and pursues his primitive goals, he starts developing what Adler called a
style of life
, or
lifestyle
. Every child is born with the need for attention, and one of his or her primary goals is to gain attention in one way or another. When a child’s attempt to gain attention, either positively or negatively, doesn’t get the desired results, the child becomes discouraged and then turns his or her efforts toward another goal: gaining power. If those attempts to be powerful (to control the parents) fail, he or she becomes still more discouraged, and the goal may become revenge.

Getting attention, power, or revenge are three basic motivations for a child’s behavior. Most children concentrate on gaining attention or power; they seldom reach the revenge stage. Those who do often end up in prison or other correctional institutions.

As a child develops his or her own unique lifestyle by pursuing his or her basic goal, the child also develops a
life theme
. The complete psychological definition of a life theme, or what some counselors call a
lifeline
, could get a bit too involved and time consuming to wade through. For simplicity’s sake, just think of a life theme as personal mottos or slogans, ideas that you subconsciously repeat to yourself daily and believe with all your heart. If you doubt that you have a life theme, look back over your behavior for a week, a month, or a year, and you can see this life theme exhibited again and again in your behavior.

What Is Your Life Theme?

1. What personal motto, slogan, or idea do you subconsciously repeat to yourself daily and believe with all your heart?

2. How does this idea influence your behavior? Your relationships? Your future?

A life theme always has to do with your self-image and your sense of self-worth. I like to describe anyone’s life theme in terms of “I count only when . . .” The way you finish that sentence will tell me about your lifestyle and will give me some definite clues about your birth order.

The problem, of course, is that your life theme is a lie, or at least a partial lie. You are not
completely
what your life theme tells you that you are, because you have the capacity to change, to compensate for or conquer your weaknesses and capitalize on your strengths.

Controllers and Pleasers

While everyone’s lifestyle is different to some degree, there are broad categories into which most people fit. Because the two lifestyles I counsel the most are controllers and pleasers, we’ll look at those first. Then we’ll also consider other broad lifestyles such as martyr, victim, attention getter, and driver.

Controllers

Controllers are powerful people who operate out of one of two motivations: power or fear. Often they are firstborns who were expected to take care of their younger siblings. Their strong need for power motivates some to want to control everything and everyone. Nothing escapes their critical eye; no one they deal with is free from the strings they try to attach. Another kind of controller, however, operates out of fear. This person is on the defensive and is basically out to be sure no one takes control of him.

Controllers are more comfortable with people at arm’s length. They avoid intimacy because they fear losing control. Not surprisingly, controllers tend to fear death because, after all, death is the ultimate loss of control.

Another characteristic of controllers (and remember, a controller doesn’t necessarily have all the characteristics mentioned here) is a critical, perfectionistic approach. They’re always trying to clear the high-jump bar of life and making those around them clear it as well. Naturally, controllers have a tremendous need to be right. They love to argue and seldom lose an argument.

Controllers are more comfortable with people at arm’s length. They avoid intimacy because they fear losing control.

While it may sound as if controllers are aggressive, assertive people, they can also be temperamental, insecure, and shy. They may manipulate others, particularly their families, with tears or temper tantrums—or both. Whatever their weapons, they are always operating from a position of power.

Some controllers pound the table, shout, even scream. Others work quietly and may seem gentle, even loving on the surface. Underneath, however, it’s a different story. A controlling mom can dominate her family by worrying about everyone. A controlling dad may keep everyone under his thumb with his silence, refusing to say what’s on his mind. Fearing the unknown, the rest of the family walks on eggshells around him.

Life Themes for Controllers

“I count only when I’m in control of the situation.”

“I count only when I’m in charge.”

“I count only when I’m running the show, when what I say goes.”

Pleasers

One hundred and eighty degrees from the controller is the pleaser, often a compliant firstborn. As you might guess, controllers are often married to pleasers, and we’ll look at that more closely in a moment.

A driving force behind the pleaser is the need to be liked by everyone. Pleasers try to keep the oceans of life smooth so they can gain everyone’s approval— particularly in their families.

Pleasers try to keep the oceans of life smooth so they can gain everyone’s approval.

Pleasers typically have a poor self-image. That’s why they’re always trying to do everything they can to keep everyone else happy. They believe they’re valued for what they do, not for who they are. They live behind masks, smiling and nodding agreement, but inside they may not agree at all. Often they hate themselves because they don’t have the courage to speak up.

Speaking up is something pleasers seldom do because they know that’s the sure route to rejection. Pleasers much prefer to go along with the ideas of others. They become skilled socially, able to read signals that others send and know how to keep everyone happy.

Life Themes for Pleasers

“I count only when I keep everything smooth and on an even keel.”

“I count only when everyone likes me.”

“I count only when everyone approves of what I do.”

“I count only when I put others first.”

Pleasers, by the way, can be perfectionists, but they work out their perfectionism differently from controllers. They are constantly worried about measuring up, being good enough, being perfect. You might say they are perfectionists out of fear of being anything else.

Controllers and Pleasers Often Marry

The two lifestyles I counsel most are controllers and pleasers, and there is a simple reason for this. Controllers often marry pleasers (the old “opposites attract” influence), and then the controllers, more often than not, give the pleasers a bad time. Typically, the husband is the controller and the wife is the pleaser, but there are some cases where the reverse is true. In fact, I know of nine pleaser males in the continental United States. However, we’re not releasing their names or addresses!

It’s hard to get a controlling husband into my office for counseling because he’s sure that his wife is the one with the problem; there’s nothing wrong with
him
. But when the controller finally agrees to come in and talk to me, he lets his true colors show in a hurry. I hear statements that add up to life themes like these: “I count only when I’m in charge, when what I say goes, when I’m running things.”

Are you married to a controller or a pleaser? Take the quizzes on pages 238–40 to find out.

Are You in a Relationship with a Controller?

Take this quick quiz to find out. (Note: Because most controllers are male, I’ve used a masculine pronoun.)

Read each statement and score 4 for always, 3 for often, 2 for sometimes, and 1 for seldom.

____ 1. He tends to be critical—a fault-finding perfectionist with a high standard of excellence for himself and others.

____ 2. He finds it difficult to laugh at himself, particularly when he may have done or said something awkward or wrong.

____ 3. He puts down or degrades others with subtle or not-so-subtle humor.

____ 4. He has a weak (or even poor) relationship with his mother (or other women who have been or still are part of his life, such as a sister or a supervisor).

____ 5. He complains about authority figures who “don’t know what they’re doing” (employers, teachers, pastors, or the president).

____ 6. He is a real competitor who always has to win at sports or table games.

____ 7. He gets his way, subtly or not so subtly, about where the two of you will go or what you will do.

____ 8. He prefers to run the show rather than be a team player—on the job, in committees, or in situations involving family or friends.

____ 9. He has a hard time saying, “I was wrong,” or he makes excuses that will make him look good in the face of adversity.

____ 10. He loses his temper (raises his voice, screams, curses).

____ 11. He can get physical—shoving or hitting you or smashing things.

____ 12. He makes you account for every penny you spend, but he spends rather freely.

____ 13. Sex is something the two of you engage in for his pleasure and at his convenience.

____ 14. When he drinks alcohol, even in modest quantities, he starts to become a different person.

____ 15. He makes excuses for excessive drinking.

No quiz like this can be absolute proof of anything, but it can give you some clues that may help you analyze your relationship to your spouse or fiancé.

If the ratings you gave this person add up to between 50 and 60, he is a super controller whose only hope is a professional counselor—if he’ll listen. If you’re engaged and your fiancé scored between 50 and 60, my advice is to give back the ring and run.

If you scored your husband or fiancé between 40 and 49, he is a typical controller who is probably open to being confronted and asked to change his behavior.

If you scored your husband or fiancé between 30 and 39, he should be a fairly balanced person who can be in control at times but flexible at others.

If you scored your husband or fiancé at 29 or less, first recheck your figures. If you haven’t made a scoring error, you may have one of the few pleaser males in captivity. But take a second look to see if he scored higher than a 2 on questions 10–14. All of these suggest a high degree of need to control, even dominate, with violence and abuse.

Are You in a Relationship with a Pleaser?

Take this quick quiz to find out. (Note: Because most pleasers are female, I’ve used a feminine pronoun.)