The Blueprint (22 page)

Jimmy went to
the window looking for inspiration and found none.  He didn't see himself charming his way out of this situation.  Kim knew him too well.  "You're not gonna like what I have to say."

"It's probably nothing I don't already know," Kim grumbled
, preparing herself for remarks comparing her tiny frame to Lily's curvaceous one, or her big mouth to her roommate's timidity.

"I've been
thinkin' on this same question a lot lately." Jimmy paused to find the right words to prevent another yelling match with Kim, while still speaking the truth.  "You're both beautiful in your own ways.  But I think with Lily, she's more like the classic damsel in distress, and I'm no different than any other guy that wants to play the hero.  I picked her for the fairy tale."  Kim rolled her eyes.  "No it's true," he defended.  "Guys buy into that shit just as much as girls.  We want the pretty girl who needs rescuing just as much as girls want to be rescued."

"I don't want to be rescued."

"And that's why I didn't pick you first."             

She exhaled with a blast, sat up straighter, and looked at him hard.  "I'm not real sure what I'm supposed to do with that.  But
I am sure
that this is not an appropriate conversation to have in your niece's bedroom."  She stood and walked toward the door, wanting distance to help clear her mind.

"Let me finish."  She stopped and turned
to him; her eyes sad, defeated.  He knew he needed to fix this before they could move forward together.  This was a sore spot for her and he could only have her if he found the right medicine.  "You don't need me.  I always thought the best girl for me would be someone who needs me.  And you don't."  Kim's expression didn't change.  Jimmy pulled at his hair in frustration.  "You are whole and happy and that's intimidating.   If you've got it all, why would you want a country boy with permanent grime under his nails and a pickup truck that makes more noise than a rock concert?"  He sighed.  "What I've slowly come to realize is that I want to be with someone who doesn't need fixing or persuading to see the world like I do.  I want her to be complete before I'm with her like...." He searched his mind for the right analogy as he paced the room.  His face lit up when it came to him.  He continued proudly,  "Like a wrench set with both standard and metric sizes."

Kim's shook her head, baffled. 
"Fairy tales and wrenches.  The Kool-aid must be spiked.  When you sober up, call me."

Jimmy's temper flared.  He grabbed
Kim by the shoulders and demanded, "Damn it, Kim.  I want you.  You and your sassy mouth, your big heart, your easy laugh, your love for my family.  I want you.  I'm sorry I picked you last.  I knew a couple of months ago that I screwed up and I did nothin' about it.   I didn't know how to get myself out of a relationship with one roommate so I could jump into one with the other roommate.  I didn't want to be that guy.  But I am that guy."  He let go of her and turned away.  Breathing deeply, calming himself, he added just above a whisper,  "When I look around my house, it's you I see myself sharing it with.  It took me a while to figure that out, but I did.  You are what's missing, a beautiful spitfire who will love me and my family.  You're the whole package, Kim.  I want you."

She smiled and tears surfaced.  How long had she waited to hear those words?   He couldn't see her reaction to his tirade, to his declaration, because he stood deflated and
sulking with his back to her.   She rubbed her hands across his wide shoulders and matched his soft tone, "I think your wrench analogy could use some work.  But...I get it.  I'll be the last."  He turned to her and crushed her in a hug.  She couldn't help but take one last jab.  "About time you figured it out."

He growled into her hair and she laughed.

She quickly sobered.  "Wait.  What about Lily? You don't want to be that guy, and I don't want to be that friend."

"The
night we broke up, she gave her blessing for you and me.  Apparently, she's suspected there was somethin' between us...or at least there should be."

"She may have said it, but that doesn't mean that she meant it."  Kim stepped out of his arms; her brows creased in worry.  "I've been watching her, and she's definitely not one hundred percent recovered."

"What do you mean?" Jimmy asked.

"She looks tired and her fingers are mangled from her biting and picking at them.  I don't think the break-
up was as easy for her as she wants us to believe."

"But she said..."

Kim interrupted, "She could have lied in order to let you off the hook."

"You weren't there," Jimmy argued.  "Her voice was steady.   Her mind was made up.  And I've thought it through.  She told me on our first date that it wouldn'
t work.  She expected the break-up.  And besides, you know as well as I do that she's not a liar."

"I know.  I know, but something's going on."  She hesitated
, frowning.  "I think...I think we should put us on hold.  It might be too soon.  I'll talk to her and try to get a feel for what's going on."

Jimmy took her small hands in his and waited for her to look at him. 
"How long?"

She shrugged, "Maybe a couple more weeks."  Then
with a teasing grin she added, "And that should give you more than enough time to come up with a better analogy than wrenches." 

He laughed and picked her up, holding her to him so they were face to face. 
"Fine.  We'll put us on the shelf for another couple of weeks.  But we have today, and we were friends first."  He kissed her button nose.  "Let's go enjoy the party."

Lily stayed curled up on the couch staring into space for most of the afternoon, unable to concentrate on a book, the television, or anything else.  And that's how Kim found her when she returned home from the party, her roommate sitting scrunched up with knees to her chest, all alone in the dark with eyes glazed over.  If she hadn't seen Lily blink as she approached, Kim would have rushed over and checked her for a pulse.

Kim had rehearsed in her mind a hundred different ways to extract the necessary information from her roommate on the drive back to their house.  But she was struggling with what she wanted to know and what she would do if she didn't like the answers.  Did she want to know if Lily loved Jimmy?  What if the answer was yes?  Could she choose Jimmy over Lily? 
Jimmy wanted her, but Kim firmly believed that Lily needed her.   About halfway home, she'd decided that
not
knowing wasn't better than knowing, and she'd planned to have that awkward conversation as soon as possible.  The consequences for following her heart would have to be considered later.  Now that she was certain that Jimmy was into her, the clock didn't seem to matter as much, but then again she'd just left him twenty minutes ago.  After walking in and seeing her roommate dazed and ill, she chose to wait and ferret out the truth another time.

"Hey, Lily.
  You in there?"  Kim asked waving a hand in from of her roommate's face.  "You don't look so good.  Is your stomach still bothering you?  Can I get you something?  I think we still have some Pepto in the medicine cabinet."  She stood.  "I'll go get it for you."

"It won't help."  Lily's voice sounded hoarse and hollow.

"Okay."  Kim headed in the direction of the kitchen and opened the refrigerator.  "We have some applesauce that should be easy on your stomach."  She waited for a response and got none.  She closed the refrigerator and stepped toward the pantry.  "How about crackers?  You should eat something. I've noticed you haven't been eating.  Maybe putting something in your stomach would help."

"I don't think food is the answer."

"Then I'll run to the drugstore and get you something."  Kim returned to the living room and perched on the arm of the couch next to Lily.  "Tell me your symptoms."

Lily moved for the first time, slowly turning her head in her roommate
's direction.  "I'm pregnant."

17

Lily stood outside the diner in the shade of an old maple tree
, wishing away the nausea swelling inside of her.  She'd left Jimmy a message to meet her for coffee after work, but before she dared confronting the potent aromas awaiting her in the restaurant, she needed to let her stomach settle.  The looming conversation would be tough enough without the added humiliation of retching in front of him.  Leaning against the tree, she assumed the pose of a casual pedestrian while she considered which was worse, her sensitivity to odors or the heat.  A couple of weeks ago, she began noticing a nearly crippling intolerance for the warmer weather.  Driving home in her sunbaked car without air conditioning had become an exercise in keeping her lunch down until she reached the privacy of her bathroom.  By the third time in a week of being forced to pull over to empty her stomach on the curb, she decided to visit the doctor. 

Dr. Jackson was a no-nonsense physician.  He'd seen and heard everything in his forty years working at the campus clinic and was infamous for prescribing chicken soup and sleep for anything from a rash to an infection.  Lily knew this about him, and although her instincts told her otherwise, she kept her fingers crossed that Dr. Jackson's re
medy of choice was all that was required to cure her symptoms. 

He didn't look at her when he entered the tiny office where Lily waited, perched on the end of the table
, tearing at the protective paper.  In his mind every patient was alike, young and stupid.  He didn't need to make eye contact to know that.  If he had looked at Lily, perhaps he would have recognized the fear in her pale face and used a gentler bedside manner, like the whipper-snappers he mentored spouted off about. His long fingers, twisted by age, poked and prodded at her for ten minutes while he asked questions covering everything from her eating habits to the color of her snot.  The last question of his interrogation concerning her menstrual cycle resulted in the shoving of a cup in her hand and an order for her to "go make water."  She returned to an empty room to stew.  Dr. Jackson followed her five minutes later, declaring, "You're with child.  Get yourself an obstetrician and a husband.  You can let yourself out."  Two days later, the obstetrician confirmed Dr. Jackson's diagnosis. Lily was ten weeks pregnant.

Jimmy waved and flashed an anxious smile as he crossed the street from his job site to join Lily under the tree.  "Hey, there," he called.  "Sorry, I didn't get cleaned up for you. I forgot to bring another shirt with me.  Let's go in.  It's hotter than hell out here."

A welcome blast of cold air greeted them both as Jimmy held the door for Lily.  She covered her mouth and nose with a tissue as she marched toward a corner booth farthest from the few customers sitting at the counter.  She kept her face covered while Jimmy ordered two coffees.

"You okay?" Jimmy asked.  "Do you have a cold or
somethin'?"

Lily withdrew her hand and took a deep breath,
anticipating the rush of heat that signaled the necessity for a quick evacuation.  It didn't happen.  She relaxed.  "No.  I don't have a cold.  My stomach's been pretty sensitive lately.  I never know what'll set it off." 

"Kim had mentioned you hadn't been
feelin' well."

Lily hesitated, fighting the urge to say, "Oh, it's nothing," and keep her secret a day longer.  Instead, she added cream and sugar to her recently delivered coffee and gave
herself another moment to rouse her courage.  The weight of what she needed to tell Jimmy hadn't lightened after confiding in her roommate.  In contradiction to all previous exchanges, Kim had failed to provide loads of advice on what to say or predictions on Jimmy's reaction to the news. 

After
unloading her burden, her friend merely sat next to her on the couch and held her hand in silence. 

Lily let out a long sigh which caught Jimmy's attention
. "I'm..."

He interrupted in a rush.  "Look, if this is about me and Kim.  I swear
nothin' ever happened between her and me while we were together.  And nothin' is happenin' now.  It's really important to me and her that you're okay with us.  You're Kim's best friend.  I don't want you to hate either one of us.  We've talked about it.  We can wait as long as it takes."  He fiddled with his mug and avoided her eyes.  "But... you did say it would be okay with you, if Kim and I..."  He couldn't finish.

Lily stroked her cup with her thumbs as she studied
the murky depth of her drink. Digesting Jimmy's confession provided a clearer understanding of her roommate's despondency since she'd told her about the baby. 
What a mess!
  "Jimmy, this isn't about you and Kim.  This is about you and me."

"I don't understand."

"I'm pregnant.  You're the father."  Lily watched as Jimmy's tan drained from his face and neck, like a tap had been inserted in his backside and his healthy glow supplied the days drink special.  His mouth opened and shut, but no words escaped.  She continued, "It's been confirmed by an O.B.,"  and stopped, allowing his mind the chance to catch up.

"But..." he stuttered.

"I was on the pill.  I took antibiotics for a while for a sinus infection, and antibiotics can sometimes interfere with the effectiveness of birth control pills.  The doctor thinks that's probably what happened.  I'm about ten weeks along."  In the back of her mind, it registered that the heat of the mug she gripped was scalding her hands.  She let go and clasped her fingers in her lap.   Struggling to keep her composure, she said, "I've missed periods before and it was nothing. My cycle has never been regular.  That's why I let it go for so long."  She fought back the tears that she'd thought had been exhausted days ago and whispered, "I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry."

The news was absorbed like the drip of an IV. 
Drip.  Lily's pregnant.  Drip.  I'm going to be a father.  Drip.  Kim?
  This wasn't how or with whom he'd planned starting his family, but it made the reality no less sweet.
Drip.
 
My baby
.  That truth echoed over and over again, uniting his swirling thoughts.  When his attention returned to his companion, he was confused to find Lily's cheeks wet with tears.  Across the table, he reached for her hand. "Why are you crying?"

She
removed her hand from his and grabbed some napkins from the dispenser on the table, wiping her eyes, blowing her nose.  With a shaky voice, she answered, "I'm sorry.  This is my fault.  I never meant for this to happen, and I can't think how to make it right."

Fear or maybe
anger stiffened his spine.  The excitement he'd felt just a moment ago vanished.  He pressed himself against the backrest of the bench and splayed both hands flat on the table.  "What do you mean make it right?  Tell me you aren't considering abortion."

Lily was taken aback by Jimmy's harsh tone.  His eyes flashed an icy blue as he spoke.  An image of his mother's cold greet
ing at the picnic came to mind.  Kim had referred to Grace as a rabid dog protecting her pups.  She realized Jimmy was no different; he also wanted to protect what was his.  "I can't...  I mean I won't have an abortion."   His glare softened.  "But..." she muttered.

"But what?"
  He hadn't put aside his growl.

"I'm
far
from mother material."  All of her fears circulating, intensifying with each admission, rushed out.   "Jimmy, I have no business having a baby.  I don't know anything about babies.  Your niece is the closest I've come to being near a baby, and she wanted nothing to do with me.  I don't think I'm a kid person.  And we can't forget that growing up, I had a horrible role model.  I'm not a hundred percent convinced that whatever it was that made my mother crazy, I haven't inherited myself.  I couldn't do that to this baby. I'd wish that life on no one."  She stroked her stomach.  "I think most women are just born with that thing that makes them want to love and nurture children.  Like I told you before, I'm different."  She looked away as the shame and truth of her words choked her.  Her tone changed from panicked to reconciled.  "I want to do right by this baby, and I don't think I'm what's right."

He watched her slump lower in her seat
, noticed the sores on her cuticles, and considered her assertions.  What happened to the confident woman who broke up with him, assuring him that she could take care of herself?  She needed to be reminded of how strong she was and that she was no longer alone.  He asked, "Lily, how do you know you'll be a bad mom?  How could you possibly know?"

"I just know."

He smiled at her stubbornness. "Let's consider what we know for sure, okay?"  He rested his elbows on the table and leaned toward her. "I want this baby."  He waited for her to look at him and he repeated himself, emphasizing each word, "I...want...this...baby.  I promise you that from this moment forward you will not be alone in this.  That's my baby too and I won't abandon what's mine.  I agree our situation is complicated, but that doesn't make it impossible.  That bun is gonna be in that oven for quite some time.  Let's just take it day to day, all right?"

"But Jimmy..."

He reached for her hand again.  "Let's not borrow trouble.  We'll take it as it comes and do what feels right."

"And Kim?"
  She tried to pull her hand away but he wouldn't let go.

"Does she know?  I haven't talked to her in a couple of days."

"Yes.  She knows."

He wiped the sweat from his upper lip with his free hand and exhaled. "Well... it looks like I'll be
havin' two interesting conversations; don't it?"

"I want you both to be happy.  I wish t
here was a way that this...wouldn't have to change things between you two."

"You and the baby come first now.  I'm sure Kim will agree."
  Jimmy smiled and Lily almost believed him.

Jimmy's face hurt from grinning the whole drive home.  He was raised to believe every new life was a gift and he couldn't be more thrilled to learn it was his turn to receive one.  Despite the complications of the situation, he refused to see this pregnancy as anything other than a blessing.  In the world of carpentry, unplanned obstacles occurred all the time.  It was part of the job to expect the unexpected:  an old house had shifted so the doors and window frames were no longer square and would need to be rebuilt, electrical codes changed, requiring updating in order to pass inspection, walls were removed revealing mold or termites.  He could fix this like he fixed stuff at work.  There had to be a solution to having a child with his ex-girlfriend while being in love with her best friend and roommate.  He would follow his own advice and take it one day at a time and one woman at a time.  What would he say to Kim?  What did she need to hear?  His mother would have to wait.

Lily was relieved to find her roommate curled up in her fuzzy green chair watching television when she returned from meeting with Jimmy.  She missed the old Kim who would have eagerly greeted her, drilling her for information the minute she crossed the threshold.  This Kim, her roommate of the last couple of days, had lost her fervor and Lily felt responsible.  This crisis, as she saw it, was by far the biggest test of their friendship, fighting over whose night it was to do dishes was a forgotten blemish compared to the scarring this scenario would inflict.  The last thing Lily wanted was to hurt Kim. 
I can't think how to make it right.

She walked over and sat on the c
owboy couch crossing her legs Indian style, creating the third point in a triangle with Kim and the TV.   She waited for Kim to acknowledge her, but she didn't.  Lily took a deep breath and dove in.  "I just got back from telling Jimmy."

"Good," Kim replied dully
, faking her indifference.

Lily expected mor
e of a response and then reminded herself that the new Kim had little to say.  "He was surprised, of course, but also excited.  He said he wants the baby."

"I knew he would."  Kim pretended to be more interested in an episode of
Three's Company
than her roommate.  She fought the urge to ask for every detail, knowing every detail would cut her deeper and deeper.

Lily realized in
the thick silence between them that she needed to give Kim what she wanted, what she needed---reassurance.  "First, Jimmy told me about you and him getting together."  That information drew her roommate's attention.  "He wanted to let me know that you two never went behind my back while we were dating, but he also reminded me that after the breakup I gave my full" Lily made sure her face and tone reflected the sincerity of her words, "and wholehearted permission."

Kim sniffed and wiped away a single tear.  "The baby changes everything, Lily.  I know that."

"Why?"

Kim snapped, "Because Jimmy is bound to you now.  Family is everything to him.  I'll just be in the way."

Lily braced herself against the anger in Kim's voice, knowing it was a response to the frustration of having everything she wanted taken from her by her best friend.  Only two people had ever broken through Lily's defenses and now it was time to tell one of them how she felt about her with the hope it would matter and help.  "I love you, Kim.  And I don't think I can do this without you.  You won't be in the way, because I need you to show me the way.  I'd give this baby to you in a second if I could."  Her breath caught and tears wet her cheeks.  "This baby by all rights should be yours.  I know that and although you'd never say it, you know it too."