The Bridesmaid Pact (23 page)

‘I didn’t know how to tell you,’ I said, between hiccupping sobs. ‘I can’t bear it that I’m putting you through this again.’

‘Now don’t be so ridiculous,’ said Mum. ‘I will not hear that defeatist talk, do you hear? Come on, there are plenty of things they can do.’

‘Like they did for Dad?’ I said bitterly.

‘Yes, but it may be different for you,’ said Mum. ‘You’re still young. Dad wasn’t. What does your consultant say?’

‘Not a lot,’ I mumbled.

Mum looked at me shrewdly. ‘You
have
seen a consultant haven’t you?’

‘Yes, of course I have,’ I said. ‘I’ve just been so busy with wedding stuff I haven’t had time to book myself another appointment.’

‘You’d better,’ said Mum. ‘Or you’ll have me to answer to. How’s Darren taken it?’

‘He’s been brilliant,’ I said, my lower lip wobbling. I nearly cracked and told her how I was feeling when she hugged me fiercely and I wept some more. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it though, and despite my pain, I felt a stab of joy. I had my mum back.

‘So why do you want to visit Auntie Sophie?’ said Mum, when we’d both done crying.

‘I just need to get away for a bit,’ I said. ‘Clear my head. Mum, I know this is a big ask, but could you look after Woody for me? And promise me you won’t tell Darren where I’ve gone?’

‘Why don’t you want Darren to know?’ said Mum suspiciously.

‘Just…it’s complicated, Mum. Daz and I have had a difficult few months, I just need some time on my own.’

‘Well, all right,’ Mum said reluctantly. ‘But promise me you won’t do anything stupid?’

How could she know what I was thinking? Only Darren knew the true extent of my dark thoughts.

‘I promise,’ I said. ‘I just want to spend time with Auntie Sophie and chill a bit.’ But I crossed my fingers behind my back as I said it. It wasn’t a lie exactly. I had no idea what I was planning to do.

Sarah

As soon as Darren got hold of me, ignoring the potential awkwardness of the situation, I got Joe to come and sit with the kids and flew round to Dorrie’s house.

‘Did you know she’s been looking at all this death with dignity stuff?’ I said. ‘I found some leaflets last time I was here.’

‘I didn’t,’ Darren said, ‘but I’m not surprised.’ He looked utterly wretched. ‘She keeps talking about how it’s not fair on me if we get married. I never envisaged she would do something like this.’

‘Um, you are sure that she’s gone to Switzerland, aren’t you?’ I said. ‘I mean, maybe she’s just taken herself off somewhere to clear her head.’

‘Yes,’ said Darren. ‘She left Woody with her mum and told her she was flying to Switzerland and to tell me not to worry.’

‘Did she say anything about when she was coming back?’ I said.

‘No. She told her mum she needed time to think and left me a note,’ said Darren, looking bewildered. ‘I don’t understand it. She said she doesn’t want me to follow her.’

‘She was very upset the last time I saw her,’ I said. ‘Maybe she’s just gone on a fact-finding trip.’

‘Maybe,’ said Darren.

‘Bugger,’ I said. ‘I knew how upset she was about your venue falling through and I’ve sorted something out. It was meant to be a surprise. I wish I’d told her now.’

‘It’s not your fault,’ said Darren. ‘It’s nobody’s fault. It’s this bloody disease. If only she had something you could treat with antibiotics. I feel so helpless.’

‘We all do,’ I said. ‘But Dorrie knows how lucky she is to have you and Woody.’

‘If it’s anyone’s fault she’s gone, it’s mine,’ said Darren. ‘I should have listened to her worries more. I should have listened to what she wanted and not thought about what I wanted.’

Darren looked so desolate I gave him a hug.

‘You can’t blame yourself,’ I said. ‘You two have been through such a lot in the last few months. It’s bound to take its toll.’

We sat in silence for a few minutes, then I said, ‘There’s no point sitting around moping. We should go after her.’

‘But she doesn’t want me to follow her,’ said Darren. ‘And I don’t know where to start.’

‘Well she didn’t say anything about us, so we’ll go after her,’ I said. ‘I think we should start with that clinic. I’m betting she’s gone there.’

‘Actually,’ said Darren slowly, ‘thinking about it, she might not have. She does have an aunt who lives in Zurich.’

‘Well, we could try there then, couldn’t we?’ I said. ‘Do you have an address?’

‘No, but I’m sure her mum does.’

Caz arrived then, breathless and frantic.

‘Sorry it’s taken me so long to get here,’ she said. ‘I was in town and the underground took ages. You don’t really think Doris would have gone to that place in Switzerland, do you?’

‘I don’t know,’ I said, ‘but it looks as if she might have. She won’t be expecting us to follow her though, and she can’t keep her phone switched off forever. Darren, can I borrow your computer? I’ll start looking up flights now.’

‘What about the kids, aren’t they due back at school?’ said Caz.

‘Not till next week,’ I said. ‘I’ll ring Steve. This is an emergency. It’s about time he did some childcare.’

Having sourced a few flights I dashed back home to relieve Joe and ring Steve, who was, predictably, completely unhelpful.

‘No chance,’ he said. ‘You can’t just drop them on me like that. I’ve got back-to-back meetings for the next three days. Maybe I could fit them in next week. Ring my mother.’

‘Oh bloody hell, now what are we going to do?’ I said. ‘I’ve found us a flight for lunchtime tomorrow, but I won’t be able to go if I can’t get anyone to look after the kids.’

‘Steve said no, I take it?’ Joe had been quietly sympathetic about Doris, but I didn’t feel I could ask for his help. ‘God, he makes me furious. What was his excuse this time?’

‘Too much work,’ I said. I felt flat and let down. Bugger Steve. I hated the fact that he could still impact on my life in this way. I banged my hand on the table in frustration. ‘That’s it then, I can’t go.’

‘Well I’m not doing anything for the next couple of days,’ Joe said.

‘But what about your work?’ I said.

‘There are advantages to being your own boss, you know,’
he said. ‘Besides, I’d like to spend time with my nephews and I’m happy to do anything to help you out, you know that.’

‘Are you sure? It seems like a hell of an imposition.’

‘Haven’t you worked it out yet, you idiot woman?’ said Joe. ‘Nothing you could ask of me would ever be an imposition.’

‘Oh,’ I said.

‘You know, I’ve been thinking,’ Joe continued, smiling at me with his lovely lazy smile. ‘I think we acted hastily. Because, by an accident of birth, I just happen to be your brother-in-law, doesn’t mean that we can’t have a relationship. It might be a little awkward—’

‘A little?’ I snorted. ‘Can you think how difficult Christmas is going to be?’

‘—but you know,’ said Joe, completely ignoring me, ‘life’s too short. I’ve been in love with you for the best part of fifteen years. I’ve stood by and watched my prat of a brother cock up your life and make you unhappy. I don’t want to let anyone else ever do that to you again.’

‘Oh,’ I said again. I suddenly was aware my jaw was hanging wide open and shut it quickly. Despite my worries about Dorrie, my heart was singing. Joe, lovely, gorgeous Joe, who’d always been there, quietly in the background, these long barren years of my marriage, was telling me he had feelings for me. Whatever else life threw at me, I knew I could handle it with him at my side.

Joe pulled me into his arms and kissed me so passionately and tenderly I never wanted it to end.

‘Good,’ he said with satisfaction. ‘I’ve been wanting to do that again to see if it matched up to last time.’

‘And did it?’ I said.

‘More than,’ he said, and kissed me again. I could have stayed there all night in his arms, but reluctantly I pulled away. Dorrie’s problems weren’t going away just because mine had got sorted.

‘So, what do you say?’ Joe said. ‘Shall we give it a go?’

‘I – er, yes,’ I squeaked. ‘But first I really have to book these flights to Zurich.’

‘Still no word?’ Caz rang me later that evening.

‘None,’ I said. ‘The earliest flight I could get was 2 p.m. from Heathrow. Where are you staying tonight? Do you want to hook up with us, or shall we meet there?’

‘I’m at home,’ she said. I heard a muffled giggle in the background. ‘I’ll meet you at the airport.’

‘Are you on your own?’ Caz sounded slightly odd, as if she was trying to keep her composure.

‘Um – tell you tomorrow,’ she said. Another time I would have been intrigued, but right now I couldn’t think of anything but Dorrie. ‘Look, don’t mind about me, let’s concentrate on getting to Switzerland. What terminal do we need?’

‘Terminal One. If we meet at the information desk around eleven that should give us plenty of time.’

‘Will do,’ said Caz. ‘Who’s looking after the kids?’

It was my turn to be slightly disconcerted. ‘Um, Joe,’ I said.

‘Joe, as in “sexy brother Joe”?’ Caz whistled. ‘Tell me more.’

‘Tomorrow,’ I said. ‘By the way, I hope you don’t mind, but Beth’s coming too. I spoke to her after I got home. I think this is more important than any of us, don’t you?’

‘Sarah, Dorrie needs us, simple as,’ said Caz. ‘If Beth
doesn’t want to talk to me, that’s fine by me, but nothing on earth is going to stop me from getting on that plane tomorrow.’

‘What about Darren?’

‘He’s still working out what to do,’ said Caz. ‘Poor thing, he’s so gutted that Dorrie didn’t want him to follow her, he’s going demented.’

‘And Dorrie’s mum?’

‘Doesn’t know,’ said Caz. ‘Darren thought with everything she’s been through, the last thing she needs to worry about is Dorrie trying to—’ Her voice trailed off; we both knew what she meant.

‘Oh god,’ I paused, the reality of it sinking in. I’d been on an adrenaline rush all evening and not given myself time to think about it. ‘What if she’s already at the Right to Die clinic?’

‘Don’t even go there,’ said Caz. ‘We can’t afford to think like that.’

‘No, you’re right,’ I said. ‘Best get packing then.’

‘Yes,’ Caz said. ‘I’ll meet you at Heathrow tomorrow.’

I put the phone down with a heavy heart. I just hoped we weren’t too late.

Beth

Matt came home late as usual, and went straight to the computer. He barely acknowledged me when I told him supper was ready and ate his meal in complete silence.

‘Aren’t you even going to ask where I’ve been?’ I said.

But his response was to get up and return to the computer. Something snapped inside me. This was ridiculous.

‘How long are you planning to keep this up?’ I said.

‘Keep what up?’

‘Giving me the silent treatment, acting like a spoilt child,’ I said. ‘We have to talk about this sooner or later.’

‘What’s there to talk about?’ Matt said. ‘You lied to me. There. I’ve been thinking all this baby business is my fault somehow. Feeling like I wasn’t a real man – when all along the problem was you. If you hadn’t put it about when you were young, we might have a baby by now.’

‘Matt, that’s bloody unfair,’ I said. ‘I know I lied. And I’m really sorry I can’t undo that. But can you put yourself in my shoes for one minute and spare me an ounce of compassion? I met this guy when I was twenty. He was charming and clever and funny.’

‘Spare me the details, please,’ said Matt.

‘I had never had anyone like that pay me any attention. And what’s more he told me he loved me. Which, like a fool, I believed. As soon as he found out I was pregnant, he was off. He left me to deal with it alone. Can you imagine what it was like? I couldn’t tell my mum or dad. I didn’t know anyone at uni well enough to confide in them. And the slimy sod was spreading rumours that I’d been sleeping around and everyone believed him—’

‘Bastard,’ said Matt. That was better. At least Matt sounded like he was more on my side.

‘The only person who I knew would understand was Caz. She was more experienced than me, and less judgemental than Sarah or Dorrie would have been at the time. And she knew what to do. I couldn’t have had a baby back then. I was too young and my mum would have died of shame. I didn’t want an abortion, but I didn’t have a choice. Can’t you see? I had no idea that it might affect me like this later.’

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ Matt looked desolate. ‘That’s what hurts the most, that you couldn’t trust me.’

‘It wasn’t that.’ I knelt down next to him and grabbed his hands. ‘I couldn’t. You’d always made it so clear to me how much you disapproved of abortion. You’ve always gone on about how your mum chose to have you rather than abort you. I just couldn’t. Besides, I felt too ashamed. I felt like I deserved to be punished. And now I have been.’

‘Now that’s being really stupid,’ said Matt, lacing his hands over mine.

‘Catholic guilt,’ I said. ‘It has a lot to answer for.’

Matt paused and took a deep breath and then said, ‘I can’t pretend I’ll get over this quickly. It was a huge shock. But I will try. I promise.’

He kissed the top of my head and went back to his computer.

The phone rang and I picked it up.

‘Darren?’ I said. ‘What’s wrong?’

‘Are you sure you’re fit enough to go?’ said Matt as I frantically packed a bag the next morning. ‘You’ve been through such a lot recently.’

Sarah had rung straight after Darren to say that she’d found flights for us the next day, and would I be able to come? I didn’t give it a second thought.

‘I’m fine,’ I said. ‘Doris has always been there for me – for us. And now she needs us. We have to help her. It’s the only thing we can do.’

‘You look peaky,’ he said.

‘I feel a bit peaky,’ I said. ‘And to be honest, I feel really queasy and a bit achy. I expect it’s nerves.’

‘Ring me when you get there,’ he said.

‘Do you want me to?’ I said. ‘Or are you just saying that?’

‘No, I’m not just saying that,’ he said. ‘I didn’t sleep very well last night. I thought a lot about what you said. It must have been really hard for you. I’m sorry I’ve made it harder.’

‘I’m sorry too,’ I said. ‘I should have been straight with you from the beginning.’

He pulled me to him gently and stroked my hair. It felt like an age since I’d been in his arms. It was wonderful to be held again.

We stayed there a long time. Eventually Matt kissed me on the top of my head.

‘I’d better go to work,’ he said. ‘Ring me, won’t you?’

‘I will,’ I said.

He kissed me goodbye.

‘It will be all right,’ he said. ‘We’ll work things out. Maybe try again.’

‘Or adopt,’ I said.

‘So long as we’re together, nothing else matters, does it?’

Watching him walk down the garden path, I felt a lightening of my heart. At least I’d got that sorted. Then I thought about Doris and Zurich, and I retched, my nerves getting the best of me. I hoped we weren’t going to be too late.

Sarah and I took a cab to Heathrow and met Caz at Terminal One. I was nervous seeing her again, we hadn’t spoken properly since Matt had chucked her out of our house. I knew I should be the first to apologize, but I didn’t know how.

‘So Dorrie’s phone is still switched off?’ Caz said, not looking at me directly.

‘Seems to be,’ said Sarah.

‘How’s Daz?’ I asked.

‘In a terrible state,’ said Sarah. ‘I wouldn’t be surprised if he ignored Dorrie and came anyway.’

‘This is daft. We don’t even know where we’re going,’ I said. ‘How are we going to find her in Zurich?’

‘Oh, but we do,’ said Sarah. ‘Darren reminded me that Dorrie has an aunt who lives outside Zurich. I bet she’s gone there. I got the address off her mum.’

‘You didn’t tell her what was going on, did you?’

‘Not in so many words,’ said Sarah. ‘I pretended I needed to get hold of Dorrie to talk wedding stuff.’

‘Since when were you so pally with Dorrie’s mum?’ I said. ‘I thought she didn’t talk to anyone any more.’

‘She seems a bit better recently,’ said Sarah, ‘and she’s been helping me sort out the wedding venue.’

We checked our baggage in and went through to the departures lounge.

‘Coffee anyone?’ said Caz.

‘Good idea,’ I said, addressing her directly for the first time, though actually the thought of coffee was making me feel a bit queasy. I hated flying at the best of times, but it was even more nerve-racking not knowing what we were going to find at the other end.

We managed to squeeze ourselves round a small table in a crowded coffee shop. The place buzzed with business travellers, who probably made up most of the people on our plane. I hoped we weren’t going on a fool’s errand.

‘So, tell me what’s going on with you and sexy Joe then,’ Caz said, digging Sarah in the ribs.

‘What’s all this?’ I said, it was good to have something to distract me from my anxiety.

‘Joe is looking after the kids for me while I’m away,’ said Sarah, but she turned deep crimson as she said it.

‘And?’ said Caz.

‘And, well, I think we might have just got together,’ said Sarah looking slightly embarrassed.

‘That’s classic,’ said Caz. ‘Keep it in the family, why don’t you?’

‘Oh my god, how are you going to cope at Christmas?’ I said. ‘It’s bad enough having in-laws without having your ex as one of them.’

‘I did point that out to Joe, but he refuses to acknowledge the problem, he says life’s too short,’ Sarah said.

We all thought about Dorrie.

‘Amen to that,’ I said.

‘And what about you?’ said Sarah, turning to Caz. ‘You had someone at your flat last night, don’t pretend you didn’t. I heard him giggling.’

Now it was Caz’s turn to look embarrassed.

‘Ah, well, yes, um, the thing is, it’s been a weird couple of days,’ she said. ‘First of all, my dad turned up on my doorstep.’

‘Your dad?’ Sarah and I chorused. ‘How? When?’

‘Well, it was thanks to Auntie Nora in the end. Turned out she knew where he’d been all the time.’

‘Why didn’t she tell you?’ Sarah said.

‘I think she was still protecting Mum, and she genuinely thought I didn’t want to know.’

‘So what’s he like?’

‘He seems really lovely,’ Caz said. ‘I know, he left Mum and me all those years ago, and that was wrong, but from the way he told it, Mum practically threw him out. He did try to keep in touch, but Mum started sending his letters back. Then when he came to the funeral, he heard what I had to say and thought I wouldn’t want to meet him.’

‘He was at your mum’s funeral?’ I said

‘I know, bonkers isn’t it?’ said Caz. ‘But I’ve met him now, and it does feel fantastic.’

Caz explained what had happened. ‘And you know the best of it?’ she said. ‘I’ve got a family. A proper family. Step mother, step brother and sister. I just can’t believe it.’

‘I’m really happy for you,’ said Sarah. ‘But you don’t get out of it that easily, who’s the mystery man?’

Caz blushed again. ‘You’ll never believe it,’ she said, ‘but it’s Charlie.’

‘What, Charlie as in “I got married in Vegas in a drunken
moment Charlie”?’ I said, and whistled loudly. ‘What’s going on there then?’

‘I dunno,’ said Caz. ‘I think we both suddenly realized that we’d been in love with each other all this time without knowing it.’

‘What about you?’ Sarah turned to me. ‘Are things any better with you and Matt?’

‘I think so,’ I said cautiously. ‘He’s finally come round to understanding why I didn’t tell him about the abortion and we’re thinking that maybe we’ll adopt.’

‘That’s one way forward,’ said Sarah. ‘But you never know, you still might be able to get pregnant.’

‘Maybe,’ I said. ‘It was weird this morning, I was feeling so wound up and nervous I was nearly sick and for a moment there, I thought I was still pregnant. Stupid isn’t it? How the mind plays tricks on you.’

‘Not at all,’ said Sarah. ‘It’s been a tough time. But it will get better, you’ll see.’

We sat saying nothing for a while and then Sarah said, ‘Isn’t it weird, how everything’s suddenly come right for us all when it’s going so badly wrong for Dorrie? I wonder where she is. I hope she’s all right.’

‘I bet she’ll still be reading her texts,’ said Caz suddenly. ‘I just can’t see Dorrie not wanting to be in communication with
anyone
. We should send her one. Tell her we’re coming.’

‘Great idea,’ I said.

Caz had been standing quietly in the background, trying to keep out of my way, I’m sure. She looked at me uncertainly and said, ‘Beth, I’m so sorry about the baby. And for my part in causing you problems with Matt. I never meant to.’

‘I know,’ I said. ‘I was in a state of shock and overreacted. I’m sorry too.’

We hugged slightly awkwardly. And then gave each other a proper hug. We were both really choked up.

‘I’m the one that should be sorry,’ I said. ‘You were there for me, when I really, really needed you. I couldn’t have coped without your help, and I shouldn’t have let you go away thinking I didn’t know what you’d done for me. I just lashed out because I was hurt and angry. Can
you
forgive
me
?’

‘Nothing to forgive,’ Caz said gruffly. ‘Really. You were upset, and with good reason. My coming in just then must have rubbed salt right in the wound.’

I wiped away my tears and hugged her again. ‘The most important thing right now is Dorrie. We need to let her know that we all really care about her.’

‘What shall we say?’ Sarah said, mobile at the ready.

‘There is only one thing to say,’ said Caz. ‘
One four all and all four one. You don’t get rid of us that easily
.’