The Bright Side (22 page)

I nodded that I understood and cast my eyes down the page. The first line I read was
It’s
important
to
remember
that women
aren’t
just
men
with
different
bodies
–
they’re
practically
a whole
other
species!

“I got stuff from a few different sites,” Eddie said. “Just to get a good overview.
”

I
nodded
again
and
flipped
forward
a
few
pages.
Women
love
talking
about
clothes
–
why
not
pick
up
a
copy
of
Elle
or
Vogue
and
get
hip
to
the
latest
fashion
trends?

“It’s pathetic, isn’t it?” Eddie said and dropped his head into his hands. “You think it’s pathetic. You think
I’m
pathetic.
”

I did another flip forward.
Compliments
are
vital.
If
you
can’t think
of
anything
she
deserves
to
be
complimented
on,
imagine
you’re sitting
with
your
favourite
movie
star
and
proceed
accordingly.
That was enough for me. I dropped the printouts and looked at Eddie. “Of course I don’t think you’re pathetic,” I said. “Everyone needs a few pointers once in a while. I’m just not sure that these particular pointers are all that great.”

He blanched. “Why not? They made sense to me, the few I saw.
”

“I just don’t think it’s a good idea to have a strategy in mind for this kind of thing. It’s more confusing than helpful. Um … are we talking about women in general or is there someone specific?
”

“It’s someone specific.
”

I wasn’t sure if it was the way he said it or the way he looked at me, but I was suddenly convinced that this conversation was about to take a very awkward turn
.

I was already preparing my defences when he added, “She’s called Margaret. I met her in my cooking class.
”

“Oh! Right. I didn’t know you were into cooking.” It was a silly thing to say – I didn’t know anything about him, really. “Me too. I’m never out of the kitchen.
”

“Yeah. You made a cake for Veronica’s birthday that time. Chocolate. It was unbelievable.
”

“Thanks.
”

“I’m not bad at it either, if I say so myself. But I didn’t really join up for the lessons. I joined up to … you know …
”

“Meet someone
”

He squirmed. “Yes. To meet someone.” “And now you have. That’s great, isn’t it?” “No. It isn’t. It’s terrifying.
”

“What’s she like? Tell me about her.” “She’s short. A bit fat.
”

“Eddie!
”

“What? She
is
. But she’s got nice eyes. Very kind face. And she’s funny, she’s always cracking me up in the class.
Brutal
cook.
”

“So. You’re planning to ask her out, is that right?” “I already did.
”

“Really? And?
”

“She said yes. We’re going out for dinner tonight.” “But that’s fantastic! She obviously likes you back.
”

“Don’t worry, I’ll soon fix that. We’ve only ever spoken in the class, and there’s always something obvious to say there. ‘How did your curry turn out last week?’, you know, that kind of thing. When it’s just me on my own, I’ll make a balls of it, I know I will.
”

“Nonsense. Just be yourself.” When I heard myself saying that, I recoiled a little. I got in there again before Eddie could protest. “I know, I know. Everyone always says that. But it’s true. Look, she wouldn’t have agreed to this date –
”

He moaned. “Oh God. It’s a date, I’m going on a
date
.
”

I
ignored
him.
“She
wouldn’t
have
agreed
to
this
date
if
she
wasn’t
interested.
You’ve
got
this
far
without
the
Internet.
Please
–
put
your
printouts
in
the
bin
and
just
be your–
…
just
be
natural.
”

“I don’t know, Jackie. I’ve got a bad history with being natural.
”

“You’ll be fine. Has it been a while?” He looked up, aghast
.

“Since your last date,” I clarified. “You could say that.
”

“When was it?” “1993.
”

“I see.
”

“Her name was Alice. She was a district nurse, looked after my dad for a while when he had his bowel thing.
”

“Where did you take her?
”

“Just for a drink. I thought it might help, being a bit tipsy. Not her! I didn’t mean –
”

“I know.
”

“I meant me. Loosen the tongue sort of thing.” “And?
”

“Oh, it loosened it all right. I told her … Jesus …” “Go on.
”

“I told her that it wasn’t just me who fancied her – Dad thought she was ‘a real little ride’.
”

“Oh. I see.
”

“Bad
enough
to
tell
her
–
but
to
give
her
the
exact
quote!
‘A
real
little
ride.’
I
did
an
impression
of
him
and
everything.”
He
screwed
his
face
up
into
what
I
presumed was
an
approximation
of
toothlessness
and
said
it
again
in
a
thick
Dublin
accent:
“‘A
real
little
ride.’
I
could
tell
she
was disgusted,
but
I
couldn’t
stop
saying
it.
‘A
real
little
–
’
”

“All right, Eddie, I get it.” “See? I can’t stop now even.
”

“So your date went downhill from there?
”

“You can say that again. Once I got on to the subject of my father, I couldn’t get off it. He was all we had in common. I wound up … Oh God …” He buried his face in his hands and didn’t emerge for some time. “I wound up asking her about other impacted colons of her experience. Was Dad’s very bad or had she seen worse?
”

“What did she say?
”

“She said it was about average.
”

“No, I mean, did she say anything, like … Did she complain?
”

“Not as such. But then again, she didn’t stick around long enough. She had two drinks – one and a half, actually – and legged it.
”

“Still, you learned a lesson. When you see Margaret tonight, you’re not going to mention colons, are you, impacted or otherwise?
”

I meant it as a small joke. Eddie didn’t seem to take it that way. “Christ, I hope not. But I can’t promise.
”

“Do you know anything else about her? Outside of cooking?
”

“Not much. She’s never been married either, I know that. She told me so on the first night of the course. Tell you the truth, I think she had the same idea as meself. Meeting someone, I mean.
”

“Is she a Dub?
”

“Yeah. From Drumcondra, I think, but I don’t know how I know that. She must have mentioned it at some stage.
”

“And you’re a northsider, aren’t you?” “Finglas.
”

“There you go. If all else fails, you can do a bit of reminiscing. Dublin in the rare oul’ times, that sort of thing.
”

“Are you saying I’m old?” “No, I –
”

“I’m
only
forty-five.
And
Margaret’s
younger
than
you
are.”
I
did
my
best
not
to
look
astonished,
but
I
could
tell
by
Eddie’s sudden frown that I had failed. “What?”
he
said
.

“Nothing, nothing. Good for you.
”

“She’s not a teenager, you know. About thirty, thirty-two, I’d say.
”

This changed everything. I’d had a very clear image of Margaret in my head; sensible cardigan, bag of Murray Mints, subscription to
Ireland’s
Own
. Now I didn’t know what to think
.

“Anyway, her age doesn’t matter. The principle’s still the same. Show a bit interest in her, Eddie. Ask questions. And not yes or no-type questions – something that will get a bit of a spark going. Find out about her history, where she’s been, what she’s done with her life. You might find that you’ve got lots in common. Throw in a few details about yourself, but don’t bang on and on. It’s not rocket science. I mean, you’re talking to me just fine, aren’t you? Forget about these bloody websites.
”

“You’re right,” he said. “I know you’re right. I’m over- thinking it.
”

“Exactly.
”

“What about jokes? I’ve been practising a few. There’s a good one about a leper who enters a talent –
”

“I don’t know, Eddie. I think funny anecdotes are a better bet.
”

“I haven’t got any.
”

“The one about the district nurse was pretty good.” He gave me a mock dirty look
.

“But you probably shouldn’t tell her that one,” I added, just to make sure
.

“I
know
.”

I looked at my watch. It was time to make tracks. “Listen, Eddie, I really have to run. Thanks again for your … support. And for not calling the cops on me.
”

“Don’t mention it. Thank
you
for the advice. I hope you feel better soon. Well, obviously, I know you’re not going to feel great, are you, after that kind of thing, but I hope –
”

“I know what you mean, Eddie. Thanks.” I got up from the table, wrestling with a sudden whim.
What
the
hell
, I thought, and went into my bag for a pen. “Here’s my mobile number,” I said, scribbling on his printout. “Give me a bell and let me know how you get on with Margaret.
”