The Crown Affair (13 page)

She was…

She was in love with Matt. She was head over heels in love with a man who was only interested in a fling.

And there wasn't a thing she could do about it.

Laura began to shake as anguish gripped every cell of her body. ‘I think I should leave.'

Matt frowned. ‘You don't have to leave.'

‘Oh, I do.' Even though she longed to stay.

‘Why?'

‘You don't have a monopoly on self-preservation, Matt,' she said, giving him a shaky smile. ‘We want different things, and that's never going to change, is it?'

His face was blank and it broke her heart. ‘No. Fine. Go.'

‘I'll send over a list of people I'd recommend to continue the restoration work.'

‘Fine.'

‘Is that all you can say?'

Matt shoved his hands through his hair. ‘What else is there?'

So it was over. It shouldn't hurt so much. But the pain… The excruciating pain… Laura got to her feet and her legs nearly gave way. Somehow she managed to stand. Somehow she pulled on her clothes, but her
fingers felt too thick and were shaking too much to do up her buttons.

‘I know you think you're better off alone, Matt,' she said, pulling her shirt tightly around her as if that could somehow stop the cold seeping through her, ‘but you aren't. No one is. Work won't keep you warm at night. Work won't be there for you when you have a bad day or when you're old and grey. I would.'

Matt shrugged and she wanted to shake him. Thump him. Make him hurt as much as he was making her hurt. Because he must know how she felt about him.

‘I never wanted it to end like this, Laura,' he said flatly.

Laura's heart cracked wide open and a wretchedness more devastating than she'd ever known spun through her. ‘Neither did I.'

T
HAT
things with Laura had ended was for the best, Matt told himself for the hundredth time in the week since she'd left.

He didn't miss her prodding at his psyche or her incessant questioning one little bit. Nor did he miss the way those eyes of hers looked at him and seemed to drill right into his soul. And he certainly didn't miss her. He missed the sex, that was all. Which was absolutely fine because he would get over that eventually.

No. He was glad she'd gone. Thrilled in fact. He couldn't be happier. The conversation they'd had the night before she'd left had cemented in his mind exactly why he didn't do relationships and he'd been right to let her leave.

So why was he feeling so out of sorts? Why did he feel as if he were wading through treacle simply to get through the days? Why couldn't he focus? And why wasn't this run that he was in the middle of doing anything to relieve the tension in his body?

Undoubtedly it was the abrupt way their fling had ended, Matt decided, his feet thumping along the path that circled the lake. She'd ended it before he'd been ready to let her go, and that irritated him beyond belief. He should have been more persuasive in making her
stay. He should have knocked that conversation on the head and simply made love to her until she was too breathless to talk.

If he'd had any sense at all, he thought, his lungs pumping hard enough to burst, he would have avoided getting involved with her in the first place. That would have saved him a whole lot of trouble.

But never mind.

Sooner or later he'd regain the ability to sleep at night.

Sooner or later he'd fall back into the swing of getting Sassania back on its feet.

And sooner or later he'd find someone to take on the work of restoring the country's monuments. So what if none of the people she'd recommended had been quite right?

It was simply a question of time, that was all.

But what if he didn't?

The thought slammed into his head and Matt stumbled. What if he never stopped tossing and turning and dreaming of her? What if he never got his focus back? What if she was irreplaceable?

No. That was absurd. He would. He had to. And no one was irreplaceable. Especially not someone who'd been so wrong about everything.

Or had she?

Matt's head went so fuzzy he thought he might be about to pass out. He stopped. Bent over and planted his hands on this thighs, his heart pounding and breath ragged.

Oh, God. She hadn't been wrong. The realisation banged around his head, making his body feel far weaker than the run had.

He
did
want to stay on the island and he
was
sick of always being alone.

And if she'd been right about that then what else had she been right about?
Was
he scared? No, he wasn't scared of anything.

Except possibly the depth of his feelings for Laura.

Matt froze and he shot up, his knees nearly buckling. His head throbbed. Spun. The barriers he'd built up around his heart suddenly shattered and as they did every emotion he'd ever buried crashed through him and everything he'd ever thought he believed came tumbling down around him.

Oh, God. No wonder he was in such a state. No wonder he couldn't sleep at night and couldn't think straight. He wanted a lot more than a fling with Laura. He wanted everything. Because he was in love with her. Deeply and completely.

The knowledge slammed into his head and he began to shake. Hell. When had
that
happened? When had the idea of going back to his previous life become so unappealing?

And how did Laura feel about him? Could he dare hope that she loved him back? His mind shot back to the look in her eyes, the one that had put the fear of God into him, just before she'd left. God, she did. Matt's heart began to soar and then plummeted.

Or at least she had.

His stomach churned with dread. Laura was the best thing that had ever happened to him and he'd let her leave. How could he have done that? Because he was terrified of screwing up again? Of pouring everything he had into a relationship and watching it crumble to dust?

But that wouldn't happen with Laura, would it? What
he'd had with Alicia would never have lasted. They'd been too young and had wanted entirely different things out of life. Ultimately he'd called off the engagement because he'd discovered he actually preferred working to spending time with her. Ultimately he hadn't loved her enough.

But with Laura, he loved her so much. And he'd behaved appallingly.

Realisations pummelled through him, each one thudding into his brain hot on the heels of another, making him feel quite weak. What was the point of wanting to return to his previous life when it suddenly seemed empty and lonely? What was the point of clinging on to his business when he wanted to stay on Sassania? And what was the point of having that big old house in Little Somerford, sitting there empty and neglected?

In fact without her, what was the point of anything?

Matt harnessed all the emotions suddenly pounding through him, set his jaw and ran back in the direction of the palace. He'd acted like a prize idiot and it was high time he started putting things right. He could only hope he hadn't left it too late.

‘P
IZZA,
Chinese or Indian?' said Kate, sitting next to Laura on the sofa and holding up a fan of menus.

Laura continued zapping mindlessly through the TV channels. ‘I don't mind,' she said listlessly. ‘You choose. I'm not that hungry.'

Kate gently took the remote control out of Laura's hand, got up from the sofa and planted herself cross-legged on the floor between her and the television. ‘Laura, you have to eat.'

‘I do eat.' A bit. When she remembered. But to be honest her appetite for food had vanished. As had her appetite for most things. Like getting up in the morning. Fresh air. Breathing even. In fact there didn't seem much point to anything any more.

‘More than a couple of slices of toast a day,' Kate said shrewdly.

Laura sighed. ‘I know. And I will. It's just that at the moment I feel so…so…' She couldn't finish the sentence. Couldn't voice all the stuff that was churning around inside her. The pain, the emptiness, the yearning and so much more besides. ‘Hollow,' she said eventually, blinking away the tears that stung the backs of her eyes.

‘Pizza it is, then,' said Kate, tossing the other menus
down and waving the remaining one at Laura. ‘Pizza's filling, and always good at a time of crisis. As is wine.'

Laura gave her a wan smile. ‘Thank you,' she said. ‘And thank you for letting me stay.'

‘No problem.'

‘Sorry for being such lousy company.'

‘Don't worry about it. It's completely understandable. Now what would you like?'

Laura hiccoughed as surprise momentarily lightened her heart. Kate was actually asking her instead of steamrollering ahead. Wow. Maybe more things had changed than just her. It was a shame Matt hadn't and wouldn't.

‘The usual,' she said, too dazed and mixed up to bother with something new.

‘OK,' said Kate, picking up the phone and hitting the speed dial. ‘Hello? Yes. I'd like to place an order…'

Laura listened to Kate rattling off their selection and felt a deep gratitude to her friend. Ever since her plane had touched down a week ago, and what a miserable journey that had been, she'd been operating on automatic.

Unable to bear the thought of going back to the village where the manor house would keep reminding her of Matt—not that she needed reminding when he'd taken up pretty much permanent residence in her head—she'd gone straight to London and had turned up on Kate's doorstep, watery-eyed and shaking.

She'd spilled out the whole sorry story, at which point Kate had enveloped her in a huge hug and pulled her inside, and had been plying her with wine and sympathy ever since.

Kate hung up, poured two huge glasses of wine and
handed one to Laura. ‘It'll be here in half an hour. Are you going to be all right?'

Laura took a gulp and felt the alcohol hit her stomach. What choice did she have? She had to be all right if she was going to live any kind of life. Matt would never change and she'd be a fool to hope otherwise. ‘I expect so. Eventually.'

‘Matt's an idiot. But then he's a man, so what can you expect?'

Kate's scathing tone managed to drag a smile to Laura's face but not for long. Because Matt wasn't an idiot, just a gorgeous, sexy, emotionally deluded, infuriatingly obstinate man.

‘So what are you going to do?' Kate asked.

Laura stared at the fireplace, as bleak and empty as her heart. ‘I'm not sure. Look for a new job, I suppose. And then find somewhere to live.'

‘You can stay here as long as you need.'

‘Thanks.' She put her wine glass down and gave Kate a shaky smile. It was so tempting to stay in the warm cocoon of Kate's flat for ever, but sooner or later she had to pull herself together.

She'd been back a week and had been wallowing in self-pity all that time. She'd let herself become a mess. The last time she'd looked in the mirror she'd been horrified by what she'd seen. Her hair was lifeless. Her skin was grey and her eyes were flat. But not horrified enough to do anything about it.

But now she was. Enough was enough. She was fed up with constantly feeling so negative. It was high time she started to focus on the positives.

‘You know, maybe it's a good thing me and Matt didn't last,' she said.

Kate looked at her doubtfully. ‘In what way?'

‘Well, I was just beginning to work out who I was and what I wanted. I was actually getting somewhere. So really, the last thing I needed was to get involved with someone. Especially a member of royalty.' She tried a laugh but it came out as a strangled gasp and she cleared her throat. ‘I mean, if going out with a normal man makes me feel suffocated, can you imagine what going out with a king would be like?'

‘Hmm, I see your point.'

‘In fact,' she said firmly, as the alcohol began to take effect on her poor emotionally battered self, ‘I'm going to become more like you.'

‘Me?' Kate's eyebrows shot up. ‘Crikey, really? I wouldn't go that far. I'm a workaholic who's never managed to hold down a relationship.'

‘Exactly. You don't take crap from anyone. You're single. And you're happy, aren't you?'

‘Well, yes, but—'

‘But nothing. I've made my decision. No more men. Ever. And this time I mean it.' She drained her glass. ‘You know, I feel better already,' she said.

‘I'm not surprised,' Kate replied, glancing at Laura's empty glass and raising her eyebrow.

Yes, that was the solution, thought Laura, jumping to her feet to fish her phone from the depths of her handbag where it was beeping. She couldn't go on like this, moping all over the place. She needed to take charge. A life of celibacy. Emotional austerity. That was what she'd try. It worked for nuns, didn't it?

She'd head home tomorrow and get on with it. She couldn't hole up at Kate's for ever. And if she tried hard, after a while she might be able to wake up in the morning without thinking about Matt. Maybe after a while she might be able to go to bed without thinking about
Matt. And maybe, just maybe, she might get to spend a whole five minutes without thinking about Matt.

And then her heart might start to repair itself.

‘You'll see,' she said firmly, flipping open her phone and clicking on her email to read the one that had just popped into her inbox, ‘I'll be—oh.'

‘What?'

As she scrolled through the message Laura's heart began to lurch all over the place. ‘There's an email from Matt.'

Kate leapt up and rushed to her side. ‘What does it say?'

‘He's given me the house.'

‘He's done
what
?'

‘He's given me the house,' she echoed. ‘I think,' she added, unable to believe what she'd just read.

‘What do you mean you think?'

‘I'm not sure. I can't think straight. You read it.'

Laura handed her mobile to Kate and crumpled onto the sofa, her mind struggling to make sense of it all. Why would Matt have given her Somerford Manor? Was it some kind of sign? Was he telling her that he'd never change and that she ought to find what she wanted with someone else?

But how was it that they were over yet he could
still
turn her brain into knots?

‘Property law isn't my field of expertise,' said Kate finally, ‘but this seems pretty comprehensive. He's definitely given you the house.'

Laura swallowed back the lump in her throat. ‘Is it legal?'

‘It looks like it. He's also given you a six-figure lump sum to do it up.'

‘Oh.'

‘Whatever his failings, you can't say he's not generous.'

‘Only with things that don't matter,' said Laura as her heart began to ache all over again.

‘Why would he give you his house?'

‘I don't know.'

‘Maybe he's winding up his assets here.'

‘I doubt it.' His declaration that he had no intention of staying on Sassania still rang in her ears. ‘It's probably a tax move or something.'

‘Or maybe he knows how much you love it and just wanted you to have it.'

Laura ached. God, how she'd love to believe that. Because hadn't she secretly been hoping that Matt might have realised that he'd made a whopping mistake in dismissing what they'd had so casually? But he'd never think he'd made a mistake so she could stop that tiny flicker of hope. ‘That's even less likely.'

‘Well, it certainly solves your problem of where to live.'

And be constantly battered by memories of him and everything she'd lost? No chance. ‘I couldn't live there.'

‘So what are you going to do? Sell it?'

For some reason that didn't appeal either. ‘Tell him I don't want it, I suppose.'

‘Don't you want it?'

‘Not if it doesn't come with him. And it doesn't, does it?'

Kate shook her head. ‘The transfer deed is in your name only so it doesn't look like it. I'm sorry.'

Laura shrugged as if disappointment weren't crashing through her. ‘Doesn't matter.' She took out her phone and
sent a quick reply and then deleted the email. ‘There,' she said, her voice shaking a little. ‘Done. Crisis over.'

In the meantime, she thought dolefully as the peal of the doorbell rang through the flat, there was always pizza.