The Darker Side of Mummy Misfit #2 (14 page)

“It’s so cool, Mummy.  Last year we had no dogs, ‘cept a stupid stuffed one, and now we got three.  D’you think when Fenella has
her
baby, she’ll ask us to take Splodge and Brown back?”

Told him I sincerely hoped not - our cottage is barely big enough for three.  Five would be testing the limits.

Set off to school with our raggedy bunch and met Fenella with Splodge and Brown.

Gestapo appeared at the gates with her revolting little ‘rat-dog’ in her handbag and looked down her nose at our assembled canine charges.

“Good grief, it gets worse!  Are you moonlighting for the RSPCA or something?  How many more scruffy mutts do you intend to add to your little menagerie?”

As usual Fenella opened her mouth to answer but Stripe had it sorted in an instant.

It was too late to stop him.  He’d cocked his leg at the ideal angle and was peeing on Gestapo’s immaculate suede trousers.

PM

Back from CCL meeting, which for once went reasonably smoothly, partly due to the fact that Shergar and Barbie didn’t turn up and Dress-up Mummy was only there in body!  Amazing how much you can get through when you don’t have the ‘mouth-pieces’ present.

Hinge & Bracket were delighted with the amount we’d managed to raise at the fair - it’s looking in the region of about fifteen grand and we’ve far exceeded the record we set last year.

Dan presented both Fenella and me with bouquets on behalf of the school and gave us both a peck on the cheek.

Wonder what aftershave he wears?  Might try to get some for Ned for Christmas.

Wednesday 3
^rd
December

Spent the day on the web, ordering Christmas presents and generally trying to get organised.  Have decided to have drinks party on the 19
^th
to coincide with Ned’s birthday - will start preparing and freezing delicious little Nigella nibbles and aim to be the perfect wife.

Popped into Mrs S for a coffee and found her busy on eBay doing her own Christmas shopping.

Not so sure Gestapo will appreciate a pair of fluffy bed socks but it’s the thought that counts and, as Mrs S put it so eloquently, “Why be wasting good money on ‘Her Royal Stink’.  One pounds and fifty pence is more than enough.”

Clever Mrs S had also managed to find some lovely stone incense burners for Skunk and Silver which are just perfect for them.

“I have also been ordering a few more lovely Mills & Boon books.  I am feeling the need for a little romance in my life.  Sometimes a canary is just not enough, Libbybeta.  You are so lucky to be having such a fine husband in Ned.  Never forget that.  Although it would be much nicer for me if you were with my Pritesh, of course!”

Ah, Mrs S … there’s just no stopping her.

PM

Mrs S had got me thinking.  I really have been a prize bitch and I need to get my bum into gear and get a bit of action going on in the boudoir.

If I don’t get a move on Ned will be at it with one of the secretaries at work and I’ll never forgive myself.

So I made sure I got Max to bed nice and early, prepared a lovely meal, lit some candles and got myself tarted up a bit.

At seven thirty I got the call to say that something  had come up at work and not to wait up.

Again.

Thursday 4
^th
December

Had a quick chat with Nic this morning and he said that the doctors had done some routine blood and urine tests on Mikhail which they should have back at the beginning of next week.  He said both he and Rick are absolutely shattered and I sympathised - if our
one night
babysitting was anything to go by, I pity them, I really do.

Told Nic I would keep everything crossed for him and that I’d call next week.

“Now, Libster don’t go keeping
everything
crossed!  Neddy-Boy would never forgive us.”

He might be knackered but he hasn’t lost his filthy sense of humour.

PM

Caught up with Fenella and Patience at the gates this afternoon.  Patience was saying that Solomon is really happy at Manor House and that the nasty comments from the kids have stopped.

“Just a pity the mums are still so stuck up.  I had another one tell me this morning that the girls toilets needed cleaning and could I get on to it!  Can you
believe
how presumptuous they are?”

Fenella and I nodded and said that, sadly, yes we could.  We told her that we’d actually developed an immunity to it now - whatever shit they choose to throw, we’re there to catch it, juggle it, throw it back if possible or at least come up smelling of roses.

Because frankly, the Meemies don’t faze us anymore.

Friday 5
^th
December

OK, scrub that last entry.  I’m fazed again.  Beyond fazed.

Received an email from Gestapo which forced me to light up a fag (and I’d been
so
good) and stand staring into the back garden in disbelief.

‘Libby

Just a quickie to let you know that my husband will be released from prison next week - as we all suspected, it was all a huge misunderstanding.  Ridiculous City rules and regs!

As it would appear that we shan’t be needing the charitable support of CCL any longer, I thought it only fair to let you know.  I would ask that any monies that would have supported my children would go to a family already within the school who have found themselves on hard times and NOT to a newcomer.  I believe it’s so important to keep up the standard of the school.

Also, strictly entre-nous, I shall be ending it with the divine Pritesh this weekend.  It’s run its course and I think we’ve both had what we wanted from the arrangement.’

Grrrr!  I’m so unbelievably angry I can’t even write.

PM

After I’d calmed down, I called Fenella to offload.

“Sweedie.  Why are you so surprised?  She’s an evil, manipulative bitch and it’s quite simply the only way she knows how to behave. 
Not guilty?
 Course he’s bloody guilty, but the jammy bastard’s obviously got away with it - no doubt by calling in some of his equally corrupt cronies.  The only thing we can do is find lovely
deserving
children to support through the school and be there for darling Pritesh when it all goes tits up.  How do you think he’ll take it?”

Told her I had no idea but that I did know of
one
person who would be totally over the moon.

Saturday 6
^th
December

Nipped into Mrs S to see if she needed any shopping and had to knock twice and ring the doorbell three times before she answered.

‘Miracle’ by Bazza was
blaring
through her windows and I was beginning to get slightly concerned when she eventually came to the door with flushed cheeks and hair askew.

“Libbybeta, come in, come in!  What a joyous day it is.  Or, as your lovely friend Fenella says, ‘Get the bubbles out, it’s time to dance!’”  She actually did a little arthritic shimmy across the hallway as she said this!

It was quite clear she’d heard the news.

“Sit, sit Libbybeta.  Have a Babycham, please.”
(at eleven in the morning?)
 “Her Royal-Bad-Smell-Under-Nose has been gracious enough to be doing the right thing and has released my Pritesh from her witchy grasp.  It is truly a momentous day in the Sengupta household.”

I just didn’t have the heart to ask her how Pritesh had taken the rejection.  She looked so happy (if a little tipsy) and I wanted her to savour her moment.

We clinked our Babycham bottles and listened to Desmond chirping happily along with Bazza.

I could more or less guarantee that there wouldn’t be a household in the world where the same scenario would be playing out.

PM

Got Max to bed early tonight so that I could try to cosy up with Ned again but, once he’d finally stopped calling downstairs or appearing for glasses of water, I’d kind of gone off the idea.

And Ned was snoring in front of ‘Die Hard’ - not exactly conducive to getting our conjugals back on track - and, once more, I felt nothing but relief.

Sunday 7
^th
December

Quiet old day really.  Aside from the fact that Mrs S had her music pounding through our walls from sunrise to sunset and I could almost imagine her happy little bootie wiggling around her four walls.

Went for a lovely long walk across the common with the dogs and Ned and I actually held hands.

OK, it’s not ‘9 ½ Weeks’ yet but it’s a step in the right direction.

Monday 8
^th
December

Dropped Max at school and came home to crack on with a bit of cooking and freezing for our drinks party.

Was relieved to receive a text from Pritesh - until I got to his final line.

HEY BABE!  BEEN DUMPED BUT I’M COOL WITH IT.  SHE WAS 2 HI MAINTENANCE.  FREE NOW - GOT ANYTHING ON OFFER?  LATERS X

Cheeky sod!  Oh well, at least he’s not heart-broken.  Just hope this doesn’t mean Mrs S starts up with ‘Operation Match-Make’ again.  She has to realise I’m a married woman.

Once upon a time I would have written ‘
happily
’ married, but now I’m not so sure.

PM

Nic called to say that the test results were back and, although it’s still too early to be certain, Mikhail
may
be suffering from something called Hunter’s Syndrome.

Wanted to console him and offer words of encouragement but it’s an illness I know nothing about and, from what he was telling me, the outlook isn’t encouraging.

Tuesday 9
^th
December

Spent most of last night on Google looking up Mikhail’s possible condition.  Ned was working late so I had nothing else to occupy myself.

Well it’s true, it probably
is
too early to tell, as children aren’t usually diagnosed until about two, but I’d say that Mikhail is already displaying physical signs of the illness.  Depending on the severity, he could lead a long and happy life or he may not live beyond fifteen.

Went to bed feeling thoroughly miserable - poor Nic and Rick aren’t in for an easy ride and they’re going to need all the help they can get.  I vowed to myself I’d be there for them every step of the way and help whenever or however I could.

I may have lost my baby but this is one way I can feel useful again.

PM

Well the goss on the gates is already out that Gestapo will soon be welcoming back her rogue-dealing husband, AKA ‘Rudeman’.  All the Meemies are delighted that “justice has been done” and are planning a welcome home drinks party for him.

Kept a very low profile when they were asking for someone to volunteer their home as a venue - don’t think our ramshackle cottage is up to the job and, in any event, I have no desire to host a jailbird’s homecoming.  Actor-Wankor looked as though he was about to offer when I realised that Patience had stepped forward to speak.  “As the newbie on the block, I’d be delighted to open my home
and
I’ve just moved into the area so it can be a house-warming too.”

Wish I’d had the opportunity to fill her in on the details before she compromised her values by offering to host such a shady event.

There was a lot of uncomfortable mumbling and nervous coughing and the crowd gradually disbanded after Actor-Wankor diffused the tension by insisting that the celebration be at his house on Friday.

“Well!  
That
went well, didn’t it?”  Patience laughed.  “Thought it might be time for me to ‘come out’ but, clearly, I was wrong.  It’s almost as if I speak another language!  Fancy coming round after school drop off tomorrow and seeing the new pad?  I’ll buy sticky buns and gooey cakes and I’ll get in extra Irn Bru,” she added to Fenella.

I’m amazed that Patience could take this most recent snub so casually.  It’s not even as if she has anyone to go home to and use as a sounding board.  When they were giving me a hard time last year, at least I had Ned to offload to - she has no one.

Must remember to call her regularly and
never
let her feel like she’s struggling on her own.

Wednesday 10
^th
December

Spent a lovely morning at Patience’s new house.  IT IS STUNNING!  Directly on Wimbledon Common and straight from the pages of ‘Homes & Gardens’.  Although it’s huge and beautifully decorated, it’s still got a lovely homely feel and is jam-packed with her personality and amazing artwork.