The Darker Side of Mummy Misfit #2 (25 page)

I’ve explained to Ned that I
definitely
don’t want to try for another baby.  I think we should be grateful for our lovely, happy and healthy boy and put an end to the stress of worrying and waiting.  Some people are destined to have only one very special child and I think we should accept that.

Ned only wants to do what makes me happy where that’s concerned so we’re booking him in for the snip - no more doubts or wondering.

“Perhaps we’ll get two for the price of one if Josh is getting it done too,” he joked.  “We could have a double celebration when it’s over.  You know what Fenella’s like, anything to pop those corks!”

But I think the biggest surprise in all our talking was that Ned wants to move house.  I could understand all his reasons but I still wasn’t convinced.

“Look, Lib.  We’ve got the money now.  I’m not talking a massive ‘Fuck Off House’, just something a bit bigger and drier.  This place costs us a fortune in heating and repairs.  It makes sense.  And to be perfectly honest, it feels like the right time for a fresh start.”

And I just knew that we were back to being totally tuned into one another when he asked me what was holding me back and I only had to voice the words, “Mrs S”.

He nodded his head and agreed.  You’re right, Lib.  I hadn’t considered her.  It can wait.”

Oh I just
love
my husband!

Wednesday 11
^th
March

Patience was
not
looking a happy bunny at the school gates this morning so I ran over to see what was up.

“Bloody, buggering, sodding men,
that’s
what’s up!”

Didn’t want to look too smug and loved-up in my new state of regained happiness, as I thought I might find myself on the receiving end of a black eye, so I rubbed her arm and looked suitably sympathetic.

Luckily, before I could say anything that got me into any trouble (because she was definitely looking for it), I received a text from Fenella:

PLEASE COME ROUND AND KEEP ME COMPANY.  THE WEEPIES HAVE HIT ME AND I NEED LOVE NOW X

Told Patience we needed to get to Fenella quickly.  “Looks like a bit of post-natal depression may have set in and we’re needed.  Come on, Anti-Meemies to the rescue!”

We needn’t have bothered making a mad dash to Fenella’s with cakes and pastries because, to be perfectly honest, she looked calmer than the two of us put together when we arrived.  Darcy was sleeping peacefully in her crib in the kitchen, Fenella was showered, dressed and made up, wearing linen trousers and top and generally looking cool, calm and collected.

“OK so I told a little white lie!  I’ve never felt better but I’m so
bored.
  I just wanted a bit of company.”

Told her she deserved a good slap for panicking us like that but she did a bad job of looking contrite.  “Boredom is
just
as bad, you know.  It can play terrible tricks on one’s mind and if I’d been left on my own a minute longer who knows what might have happened?  I could have tipped over the edge in a split second.  Oohh, Patience, Sweedie, I think
you
look like the one in need of the TLC.  It’s certainly not me or ‘Mrs Multiple Orgasm Face’ here!”

When I opened my mouth to reply she hushed me with “Don’t bother trying to defend yourself.  I
know
that look and it don’t come from jogging, girlfriend!”  Then she kissed me on the cheek and whispered in my ear, as she made her way to pour the coffee, “I’m so happy for you both, Lib.”

Once we’d settled with our coffee, Patience told us that she’d finally met with Pritesh last night and he was still doing his ‘proud man’ routine.

“I tell you, I could have dined out every night since the news broke and the only person I
really
want to spend time with is being a complete prick.  I just wish I’d kept the whole thing quiet now.  And, I swear, if I get one more dodgy text from Letchy, I won’t be responsible for my actions!”

Fenella and I shuddered as we sipped our coffee and both tried desperately to come up with some comforting words.

For once, I was the first.  “Patience, you
know
how keen he is but you hadn’t been with him long enough to realise that he can also be
stubborn
.  Ned and I have just been going through a bit of a wobble of our own and I just think that, sometimes, you have to stand back and give these things time.”

That was when Patience burst into floods of tears.  “That’s just the thing!  I don’t know how much
time
I’ve got.  I’m pregnant!”

Thursday 12
^th
March

For me, there’s a positive that came out of Patience’s news.

I didn’t feel one pang of desire or jealousy - I really
don’t
want another baby.  My miscarriage had almost cost us our marriage and I’ve come to realise that I value what I already have with Ned and Max above anything.

That doesn’t help poor Patience though.  She’s done the whole single parent thing once before and she really doesn’t want to go through it again.  She’d told us “It’s a lonely business and, to be perfectly honest, I don’t think it’s fair on the kids.  Solomon’s never met his father and I’m not proud of that.  I don’t want to put
another
child through that.”

I can
so
see her point of view but wouldn’t want her to make any hasty decisions - certainly not before Pritesh knows what’s going on.  And I really think she owes him
that
much.  Because
I’ve
got the feeling he’ll be over the moon and his macho pride might just fly out of the window.

Oh God! 
Mrs S
!  She’ll be beside herself if all this works out for the best.

But she must never know if it doesn’t.  I honestly don’t think she could take it.

PM

Had a lovely Nigella recipe (‘Sausage in Cider’, always gives us giggle!) and we opened a bottle of wine and lit candles just like the old days - we were probably trying to save on electricity back then but
now
we do it for the romance!

Told Ned all about Patience and swore him to secrecy.

“Course I’m not gonna say anything, Lib.  But … well … you know, how are you
really
with all this?  Seems like we’re being surrounded by babies at the moment.”

Explained my revelation and he breathed a sigh of relief.  “I had a sudden fright that this might tip you over the edge again, Lib.  Guess I need to stop thinking like that.”

Kissed him on the head and told him I was fine, just fine.

And I really am - no more lies, deceit or madness.  Just me and my Ned back to the good old days.

Friday 13
^th
March

(no more unlucky Friday 13’s for me!)

We’ve booked a flight to go to the villa for Easter and this time it will be the
three
of us.  Nic and Rick are having the dogs, as their life seems to have become a breeze since they’ve had Olga on board.

“Honestly Lib, she might
look
like a Russian shot putter on steroids but she’s an absolute dream.   I never thought I could love a lesbian but I’ve fallen for her hook, line and sinker.  And do you know, she’s been doing some research into Hunter’s Syndrome so that we can be on the lookout for signs.  I know you shouldn’t Google stuff like that because you usually end up convincing yourself you’re dying of some rare disease but, I hate to say it, I think there’s a distinct possibility that the doctors could be onto something.  We’re off for more tests next week and that’s all down to Olga.”

I’m glad that Olga has been gently guiding them in the right direction as my suspicions regarding Mikhail have continued and I hadn’t wanted to be the one to raise the sensitive subject again.

PM

Just back from an evening at F&J’s.

Good grief, how can that woman look so good whilst effortlessly floating through preparing a three course meal, just a little over a week after giving birth?  She’s even lost most of the hippo-bulk!  Doesn’t seem fair, somehow.

Of course it helps that Darcy is such a passive baby - she looks like an angel, sleeps like one and even burps like one - a talent she
didn’t
learn from her mother!

Patience dropped in for drinks (quite a lot of champagne for a woman in her condition - but I’m not judging).  She said she wouldn’t stay to eat because she didn’t want to bring the mood down.  “I’m just not up for it guys and I want you all to enjoy yourselves.”

Her mobile was beeping just as she left and, by the expression on her face, I can only imagine it was Pritesh.

Fenella was just popping another cork (definitely making up for lost time and taking full advantage of the fact that she’s not breast-feeding) and said, “Right!  What can we do about that daft pair?  How do we get them to sort themselves out?”

Told her I thought it was up to
them
now and that we needed to stay out of it.  Josh helped himself to an olive and said, “When have you
ever
known my darling wife to keep her nose out of things?  It’s what she does best for God’s sake!  Before you know it they’ll be back together and Mrs here will have the wedding organised.  Trust me!”

Ooh!  A wedding!  And Pritesh will make such a lovely daddy to Solomon and the new baby.

Can just see Mrs S’s little face - oh, I
so
hope it all works out.

Saturday 14
^th
March

Two unnerving texts this morning.

One from Patience saying she’d seen Pritesh last night and she
still
hasn’t broken the news to him.

HE’S A HEARTLESS SHIT AND I REGRET THE DAY I EVER MET HIM.  MAKING AN APPT TO DEAL WITH THIS NEXT WEEK X

Was just about to construct a very carefully worded reply when my next text arrived.

This time it was from Dan.

I HAVE TO SEE YOU.  I DON’T BELIEVE YOU’RE TRULY HAPPY.  YOU OWE ME ONE LAST MEETING.

Oh shit!  Just when I thought that was all behind me.

Decided I couldn’t handle this by myself and, although I knew it was a risk, I did what I would have done in the old days.

I confided in my best friend.  My husband.

PM

Ned handled it all very well.  I think he appreciated the honesty and took comfort that it truly meant that there would be no more secrets.

I explained that I’d obviously bitten off more than I could chew and the situation had become too big for me to deal with.

“I guess I just thought he was having a bit of a laugh.  You know, a mummy at the school to have a bit of a flirt with?  It never occurred to me that I was dealing with someone who was taking it seriously,” I told Ned.

Boy, that makes me sound like one shallow bitch but I guess I just assumed it was a bit of light-hearted fun for him and an escape for me.

How wrong I was.

Before Ned and I had a chance to decide on a reply, I received a second text:

YOU’LL BE SORRY

Sunday 15
^th
March

Ned and I decided there was no response needed to either text.  There was nothing more for me to say and there were too many ways to interpret their meaning.

Is he merely saying I’d be sorry for staying with Ned?

Is he being threatening?

Is he being deliberately ambiguous to force me to get in touch?

I got ever so slightly concerned when Ned eventually said, “Of course, if the texts continue and he
is
meaning to be threatening, we’ll have to tell the school.”

This is
all
I need!  ‘Sorry Miss, but I had a stupid fling with a male member of staff.’

Mummy Misfit strikes again.

Monday 16
^th
March

Holy fucking hot camel shit, as Fenella would say.

The goss on the gates at pick up today was that the school had to call in a replacement teacher as Mr Rooney didn’t arrive this morning, didn’t call in sick and wasn’t answering his home phone or mobile.

That’s it!  I’ve killed him!  I’ll never live this down.  A few illicit kisses and I’m a murderess.

It was Ned’s bright idea to confide in Jenny and Colin.  “Let’s get them round here for a drink, tell them the whole story and then see if he’s done this kind of thing before.  We know we can trust them and, let’s face it, they know more about the inside workings of that school than anyone, Lib.”

Put in the call to Jenny and arranged drinks for tomorrow night.

Went to bed envisaging a lonely teacher hanging from a rope in his tatty bedsit.

Tuesday 17
^th
March