The Darling Buds of June (3 page)

As they had no
photography, this statue was carved very quickly by a statuographer
from Chiselblock Statuography (a local Midlands business at the
time), just after he was told of the new ruling at school, i.e. six
whole weeks summer holiday for all his kids. But not only that; his
stressed wife (you would be with all that washing and ironing,
especially with no washing machine) had discovered that she felt
much better after a long shopping session (and she liked shoes). Or
… it could have been just after the barber showed him his haircut
in the mirror?

Actually, since
I began asking about Fulke, I can’t seem to find the statue, and
so, I’ve used only the hair from a picture shown to me by a
stranger, via e mail. The haircut will therefore suffice.

If anyone comes
along with a proper picture, or, if I find where the tomb is, I’ll
add it, plus I’ll stick it on the website (FL, Author).

***

And now,
A
SONNET, by ‘OUR GILLIAN

© Stan
Stashaway.

THE RIVER
ARROW

The river Arrow
is bothe, wide and thinne,

It looks so
very refreshing, so fully clothed, don’t jumppe in,

Or thou wilt
gettest thy clothes, all wette!

And maybe then,
a chill you’ll gette.

Idyllic bridge,
and duckes a floating,

Maybe thou,
with thou lady, wouldst go boating?

Or sitteth on
the bank, with thous lovest onne?

And stareth
into their eyes, until the daylight hath gonne.

Then, as the
evening meltts in, and the midges do humme,

And you bothe
arise, each with a grassy bumme,

Forth onto the
tavern, for a cuppe of fine ale,

A good day to
have in Alcester, thou can-nottest fail!

Cometh then to
Alcester! A quaint Hamlett so fine,

Now that it
hast been a tempted, the soul, it will pine,

And although we
have rivers, no lakes wilt thou findest here,

And this sonnet
challenges all blurbbe, by William Shakespeare. (She must have been
in a bad mood with him to say that ... PMT??)

The River
Arrow. There is a prize for anyone who can spot a plassy bottle, or
a can thrown in by a jealous Stratfordian.

Month 3

“Hello again
from me the Mole (an ME), and of course, indirectly from the FAT
Bs. In this edition, a LITTER special, I’d like to tell you about
the FAT Bs undercover trip to Stratford, which we took after we got
the news that they’re getting a large amount of money from
‘Advantage West Midlands’ to help clean the place up. We discussed
this, and decided that the body awarding the cash are treating an
effect and not a cause, or in other words, they are putting a
‘bandage on a corpse.’

Clean the town
up and the ‘chavvy’ residents will muck it up again, and therefore
waste money that would be better awarded to Alcester Council, who
could stick it in a high interest account, and use it to save us
making phone calls, and hire an expensive detective to keep track
of the mayor (usually found either singing or table dancing, or
both, in a pub), should he ever be needed at short notice for a
civic reception for some rich tourists from any rich nation you
like.

We could even
use some of the money to open a camera shop to attract Japanese
tourists too! Of course, the shop will have to have a digital
processing facility, so this will mean several expensive computers
and a large plasma screen or two for viewing the shots on a large
format; and also a machine to process large format.

An Olympic size
swimming pool! A multiplex cinema! Our RWC theatre! (A country
mansion for the mayor was voted down. Anyway, don’t Lord Webber and
Elton John own them all?)”

***

We then thought
it a good idea to make a ‘DECLARATION’

We, the FAT Bs,
are prepared to (if awarded a load of cash to S-P-E-N-D), give up
our label of ‘Quaint’. And are, if the sum of cash be large enough,
prepared to go a little cosmopolitan metropolis, and then
Neapolitan. We feel sure that the people of America, Japan, China,
and other cash rich places would agree. We could then hire some
massive billboards like in Las Vegas and Tokyo for instance, and
have VISIT
ALCESTER, THE TOWN IN WAKESPEARE COUNTRY
visible
from miles … maybe even outer space?

Imagine this
being seen from outer space …

OUR GILLIAN!
THE BARD OF ALCESTER ON ARROW

(At least OUR
River has a ‘PROPER’ name … not flaming ‘River bloody River’!)

***

UNDERCOVER
LITTER SPOTTING TRIP TO STRATFORD

“So, one fine
Sunday lunch time in August, four of us dressed in overcoats,
plastic noses and false moustaches took ourselves on a ‘Spot the
Litter’ trip. We parked on the outskirts, and walked into town
using the Stratford ‘Prominent’ Litter Trail, in order to take some
pictures, and make it clear that if this litter was cleared at
great expense, it would soon appear again (the subject of, ‘it
takes a tired mind to drop litter’ came up, but we decided not to
print what was said, in order to fend off possible yet weak slander
cases). Laura, one of our more ‘dynamic members’ suggested that
Stratford guide dogs could be trained to follow litter trails to
the town centre, and that way, even if certain roads are closed,
they would still be able to find the way! (We are prepared to sell
that idea to Stratford Guide Dogs society; for a price).

It didn’t take
long to find rubbish, and the first three pictures were all taken
within a 100 metre stretch of posh road. Pics appear after the next
little paragraph.”

THE PESKY CRISP
PACKET

“As our streets
are as good as polished, we don’t really need a litter patrol,
although three of our members, Edwin 75, Edith 81, and Gertie 86,
do take the odd stroll to hunt down any pieces that have escaped
the hands of the unaware-don’t cares (dropped deliberately). Last
week, the team, eager as ever, set off out to hunt the elusive
stuff, but unfortunately, chose a very windy day. As they were
walking up the high street, a crisp packet blew past them and they
gave immediate ‘passionate’ chase. They gave up after several feet,
just outside one of the pubs. They had a quick vote, and
unanimously settled down for a cappuccino and a buttered scone each
(drinking alcohol in the daytime and then chasing crisp packets is
not recommended for pensioners). The wind then changed, and alert
Edith sounded the alarm; off again up the High Street, at much
speed went our team of litter enemy FAT Bs. The wind then changed
again, and another ‘emergency’ vote was taken
.

Five hours
later, ten coffees, ten scones, and fifteen loo visits, the team
had to wave goodbye to the crisp packet (which they watched blow
past the pub a few times as the wind changed). Exhausted with all
this observation, they went home for lie down. A freak wind then
picked up the packet, lifted it over trees and across fields, and
conveniently placed it on a Stratford street (where it must have
felt cosily at home).

We all had a
vote on a proposal by Geoffrey (55), a plumber, that ‘sometimes
nature shows favour to those that deserve it’, it was carried
unanimously.”

And now! The
part you’ve all been waiting for!

THE LITTER
TRAIL INTO STRATFORD

(ME again!)
These pieces of discarded rubbish lead the way into Stratford town
centre. Our journey ends at the River River. (There were another 5
photos that we could not use on here due to restrictions of
electronic publishing, and also we i.e. them and I, didn’t want to
bore you with too many.)

Keep going you
are nearly there. NO fouling? What about Canning?

Waheyyy! There
you go! Who needs a map?

And let’s not
forget the River ‘River’ …

I wonder if the
fingerprints on the bag are from a local or a tourist?
“Forensics!!!”

Etc …

All images are
available as framed prints.

***

ANOTHER GREAT
WORK OF

Gillian
Wakespeare i.e. OUR Gillan.

(We don’t think
she gave him this one, this one was deffo private and was found in
her underwear drawer)

A sonnet on
litter

Dedicated to
Stratford ‘Apon’ ‘River’

Gillian
Stashaway née Wakespeare

© Stan
Stashaway.

I walk the
pathe throughe Stratfordde town