The Daughter He Wanted (13 page)

“No, not at all.” Alex reached across the table, drawing her hands into his and patting them until she relaxed.

Sue took a deep breath, released it. “Then, what?”

“I have some news. It’s good news, but I wanted to tell you both together.” He’d hoped John would keep Sue calm. She had a tendency to overreact.

“You’re moving. Oh, Alex, you can’t leave St. Francois County.” She plucked a paper napkin from the holder on the table and wiped the corners of her eyes. “Of course we only want the best for you, but leaving St. Francois? It’s too soon. All the grief books say you shouldn’t make any life decisions for at least five years after a death—”

“No, it’s not that. I’m not leaving. I like living here, I love my job. I’m not moving away.” He reassured her and tamped down a flicker of annoyance. The grief books didn’t say anything about five years being a magical date for moving on. Some mentioned a year, and some said you would know when it was time to make a change.

He hadn’t been ready when the lawyer called. Had been hesitant until the barbecue last Sunday.

Had been certain after the pizza party Thursday evening.

It was time to move on. Admitting it made him feel itchy. Unsettled.

Afraid, a little. Because he’d been so certain that part of his life was over. Gone with the finality of Dee’s casket lid closing.

Now a little flicker burned in his chest when he thought of playing with Kaylie at the pizza place. Of maybe taking her to a swim lesson or two and not freaking her out. Watching her at a swim meet in a few years.

The flicker of heat turned to a blazing bonfire when he thought about Paige.

Turned to an all-consuming guilt when he saw the worry etched across Sue’s chubby face.

He clenched his fists. Moving on was scary. He didn’t want to hurt Sue or John. He didn’t want to forget Dee, but apparently he didn’t have any control over that. She was still there, at the fringes of his memory, but the sharpness of his memories had dulled. It didn’t hurt to even look at the picture on his mantel. It hadn’t for a long time, if he were truly honest.

He knew he couldn’t keep living this shell of a life. Tucker was right, he had shut everything down for the past few years. Let life wash past him without really feeling the newness of spring or the full heat of a Missouri summer. Maybe he hadn’t dealt completely with Dee’s death, but he was dealing now. Shutting doors that should have closed already. Opening doors that might bring him out of the dark place where he allowed himself to hide.

Engine noise echoed faintly through the open windows and Alex looked out as John drove into the yard, parking just outside the big barn. He straightened his hat on his head and then caught sight of Alex’s truck in the yard. Looked toward the house and hesitated before starting inside.

John let the screen door slam behind him and before saying a word made his way to the sink to wash his hands. His jeans were marked with dirt and he was careful not to brush up against the Formica counter while he poured a cup of coffee. He took a towel from the drawer and put it between his hip and the counter, still not saying anything. He was never one to chatter, but his silence made Alex nervous.

“Alex came out to talk to us, honey,” Sue said. A look of relief passed over John’s face, and Alex wondered what caused it. He joined them at the table.

Alex didn’t know where to begin. He’d had a speech planned out, but the words escaped him. All he could see were their broken faces that last day at the hospital. All he could feel was the weight of John’s hand on his shoulder the day of the funeral. Guilt, as strong as the day he’d packed Dee’s things into boxes for Goodwill, washed over him.

This was wrong. He couldn’t do this to them. Couldn’t tell them he had a child when their child was gone forever.

No, he had to tell them. Before one of their friends spotted him with Paige or Kaylie and told them. It was his responsibility. His obligation. They were the closest family he had left.

He cleared his throat and started with the lawyer’s phone call.

Sue interrupted almost immediately, her voice high-pitched and watery. “You and Dee have a—”

“No, no, we didn’t. We don’t.” He started over. “Dee got sick right after the first implantation, remember? The clinic was supposed to have destroyed my sample, but they didn’t. I have a child. A four-year-old little girl named Kaylie.”

John shifted in his chair, his usually booming voice quiet. “That’s...great, Alex.”

“But Deanna has barely been gone that long.” Sue placed her hand in John’s on the tabletop. “How did they find out?”

“New computer system, inputting old records. It really doesn’t matter.” He waited a moment for the news to sink in. The ramifications of what having a toddler meant. They had to know he couldn’t turn his back on his daughter. “I’ve met with her mother and we’re moving forward. She agrees that I have the right to know the little girl.” Sue’s face was as white as the sheets hanging on the clothesline, and Alex placed his hand over hers and John’s before continuing. “And I wanted you to hear, from me, what is going on. So you wouldn’t be blindsided if one of your friends saw us and mentioned it.”

Tears streamed down Sue’s face and she didn’t bother trying to wipe them away this time. “I guess you won’t want to see us anymore, now that you’re moving on with your life. I knew it had to happen. I just didn’t expect it to happen so soon, Alex.” She offered him a weak smile.

This was what he’d been afraid of. Sue thinking everything in his life pre Paige and Kaylie would be thrown out. From the moment of Dee’s diagnosis, Sue thought the worst. She completely shut down after the funeral and when he took the boxes to Goodwill, she picked them up and stored them in her own attic. Sue couldn’t let go of Dee. Alex knew coming here would snip another thread between them, but keeping them in the dark was not an option.

There had to be a way for all of them to coexist, he just had to figure out how.

“Now, Sue—” John began, but Alex interrupted, choosing his words carefully.

“I’ll admit I may not make it out here every weekend, but I have no intention of cutting either of you out of my life.”

“You say that now, but what about Thanksgiving dinner? Christmas? You should be with your family. Which one will it be?”

“I don’t see this as an either-or.” Alex took a breath. “You were Dee’s parents, but you became mine in so many ways. You are my family and that isn’t going to change just because I can now check the ‘Father’ box on school forms.”

Sue pushed away from the table and a moment later Alex heard her footsteps on the stairs.

He blew out a breath. “I didn’t mean to upset her, John. I’m sorry.”

John shook his head. “It isn’t your fault. Losing Deanna... It changed her. I’ll talk to her, make sure she understands where you’re coming from.” He finished his coffee. “Bobby from the feed store saw you having coffee with a strange woman in Farmington last week. Told me about it.”

Alex heard the question he hadn’t asked. “That was Paige, the mother.”

“Bobby says she’s pretty. What does her husband think of all this?”

More than pretty, but there was no reason to tell John how Paige made his pulse race. It would be cruel. Besides, he might want Paige, but so far he hadn’t been able to breach her defenses. Best to steer clear of that mucky conversation.

“She isn’t married. No boyfriend, just her and the little girl. I’m going to be spending a lot of time with them both,” he couldn’t help saying. Like maybe his statement was readying John for another announcement. “It’s platonic between us. We haven’t told Kaylie—that’s the little girl’s name. Paige and I agreed it was best to start out as friends.”

John nodded and got up to refill his cup. He offered a refill to Alex, but Alex shook his head.

“I’ll make sure Sue is okay with all this. Don’t take her tears too much to heart, you know how vulnerable she is.”

“I do. It’s why I came out today.”

“It’ll help her if you keep coming out, from time to time. Not every week, you’ve been doing that long enough.” John chuckled and then sat back down. “You’re a good man, Alex. You were a good husband to my daughter and you’ve been like a son to me. But if you keep coming here every week, where will you find the time to become a father in your own right? No, you take a little time away from us.”

Relief washed through Alex. He may have botched the conversation with Sue, but he felt like he’d turned a corner with John. Progress and little steps, he told himself, but he couldn’t stop a hint of sadness from clouding the moment. Alex’s relationship with John had always seemed easy. He wasn’t letting go of John, he reminded himself, he was making room for another relationship to build.

“I don’t mind helping out around here, especially if it helps you out.”

“Down the road, if it’s okay with the mother and the little girl, I think we’d like to meet her.” He frowned. “We’ll never have grandkids.” His voice broke and he cleared his throat. “It might be nice to hear a chattering little girl’s voice around here sometime.”

Alex swallowed and reached across the table to rest his palm over John’s fist. It wasn’t exactly a blessing, but maybe acceptance was the next best thing.

Fifteen minutes later Alex pulled into his own driveway and stared at the beige-and-brick house. The shrubs along the front walk needed a trim and there were no fall flowers to catch the last rays of sunlight. Two neighbors had colorful flags in their flower beds; he had a bare flag post.

The house looked like it always had but instead of welcoming him inside, he felt apart from it. As if he didn’t belong there. Which was ridiculous. It was a great house and close to work.

Just restlessness, he decided. It felt like he was waking up after a nap that had lasted too long.

He flipped off the ignition and grabbed the mail from the box on his way inside.

Tossed the junk in the trash can and slipped a couple of bills into the computer table drawer in the corner of the kitchen. White cabinets. Marbled black granite countertops. White tile floor. Stainless-steel appliances. The kitchen he’d helped Dee design just after they were married. The place he’d spent so much time in before she died and so little now that he was alone.

Alex plucked a banana off the tree on the counter and took a bite.

Restlessness, hell.

He hadn’t lied to John; his relationship with Paige was platonic, but damned if he wanted it to continue to be that way. When she was in the room, he didn’t feel like the widower, the man left to make sense of death. He was Alex again. Just Alex. Just a man who knew how to be on his own.

And who knew he didn’t want to be alone any longer.

* * *

P
AIGE SHRIEKED AS
Kaylie cannonballed into the water at the rec center pool on Saturday. It was just the two of them this morning, and she was glad for the time alone. Not that she minded sharing the pool with other parents, but sometimes it was nice not to worry about being too loud or splashing too much.

Kaylie tugged on her swim shorts from under the water and waved as Paige looked down. The little girl began counting on her fingers. One, two, three... Just as she had done for Paige—and for Alex—the other night at the pizza parlor.

Alex. Why did thinking of his name automatically bring his face to mind? The twinkle in his eye or that devilish smile? Because she was losing it. He wasn’t a good bet, not in the long run. Not for her.

No, he didn’t seem to be like any other man she had ever known, but Paige had no illusions. He’d never have given her a second glance if she wasn’t part of Kaylie’s package deal.

Still, if she allowed him to get close to her, she would tell him all her secrets. Then he really would only be in her life because of their daughter. He would see that she had changed, but straight-arrow types like Alex Ryan didn’t take chances with broken targets.

Paige took a breath and submerged, too, holding the air in her lungs and locking gazes with the little girl as they both counted. Maybe a little oxygen deprivation would push thoughts of Alex out of her head for good. Kaylie hit fifteen, pounded her feet against the pool floor and rocketed back to the surface.

“Good, right?” Kaylie kicked her little legs, treading water.

“Amazing, kiddo,” Paige said, pushing wet hair off her face and laughing with her daughter. “Now show me a back float.”

Kaylie doggie paddled to the side, put her feet and hands on the wall and then rocketed back. A spray of water caught Paige square in the nose and she sneezed. Kaylie kicked and pushed her arms up and down the way she’d been taught, reaching up as if she might touch the ceiling. She made it halfway across the pool before she had to stop. Paige caught the little girl in a hug, holding her while she caught her breath.

“That was the best yet, sweetie,” Paige said, dropping a quick kiss on the crown of her head.

“Can Alex come swim with us sometime?”

Paige swallowed. She’d known this moment would come. The moment Kaylie began thinking of Alex as her friend, and not just a new person who might or might not want to play. She forced the words past her clogged-up throat. “Sure, kiddo, but he might be busy.”

Kaylie kicked around in the water, holding on to her swim board. “Alex told me he was a swimmer like me. He’ll come.”

Probably he would, and that was a whole other issue. One Kaylie didn’t need to know about. She picked the kickboard from the side of the pool and handed it to Kaylie. “I’m sure he’ll try. Go play for a little bit. No more tests.”

Kaylie balanced on the board and swam off, under the close scrutiny of the lifeguard, to push little boats around the shallow end of the pool.

Paige pulled herself out of the water and dried off, still thinking of her daughter’s newfound attachment to Alex. Paige sighed. From the moment they’d pulled out of the pizza parlor’s parking lot, it had been how Alex talked to her in the ball pit, how Alex was a swimmer, how she’d shown Alex how good she was by leveling up. Alex, Alex and more Alex until Paige wanted to scream every time her daughter brought up the man that still consumed her thoughts.