THE DEAL: Novel (8 page)

"Friend, I don’t know how contain all this damage.

Because my friend, you screwed up in a very bad way. I don’t know if I can put everything right. I mean, I don’t know how he can see you as a worthy woman, investing his time to get to know you and start to build a future together. If this incident hadn’t happened and if he saw you at the dinner for the first time after the study I made of him, he would be in your feet a couple hours later and you would have the second date for sure.

There is one thing you need to know, you are one of the most compatible couples I've ever had in my matchmaker experience"

Tess finalizes at least.

Carolina says trying to sound natural, failing miserably:

"There is nothing to resolve, we made the choice to meet with a purpose and nothing else. There is nothing more to say to each other.

Now I just want to continue with my life and try to forget this entire incident"

"Okay friend, if that's what you want."

They hang up.

How could JP have such a negative image of me?

Caroline couldn’t believe in such thing. She never imagined that anyone would think something like that as Tess described JP saying from her.

What kind of person would it be like his description?
But she was not at all like that because she was not the way he thought she was.

He didn’t even care to know the truth about me
- Tess's words echoed in her head forming a terrible headache, ending in no time to a terrible migraine. She felt so unwell that she had to run to the bathroom arriving just in time to tilt the head to the toilet and vomit dinner. Without any strength left she took a huge effort to wash her face and mouth, she stood a few minutes looking at the mirror, seeing herself in the emptiness, returning to present after some time.

Finally she found herself in the mirror and noticed how pale she was. She looked ill, she felt not less. Returning to the living room threw her on the couch, lying just there. Her heart was palpitating, it felt like it wanted to jump out, she felt having an anxiety attack again. She sat on the couch with her head between her hands looking at the ground, with the eyes closed and began to inhale and exhale deeply trying to gain control of her heartbeat and to calm down.

Minutes later she felt a little bit relieved.

The latest news about JP caused in Carolina the diminished of a feeling she had for him since they met. She always tried to shake the thought out of him, but could never completely do it, he was still so present in her mind as if he did actually part of her life. She thought she was starting to go insane, all this was really insane. She thinks that she needs medical assistance to help her overcoming this strong feeling that she can’t control and makes her feel sick the way it does and yet was so stupid having feelings for someone she didn’t know and he didn’t know her either. One thing Carolina knew now for sure, if he thinks the way he does about her, he didn’t deserve her at all. She was so disappointed that he didn’t felt anything for her and worse he couldn’t see Carolina as a woman,
how was this possible?

The cruel words, but real and wise from Tess, awake in Carolina once and for all into reality. This time it's for good and definitive, she couldn’t love a man who saw her that way. It was very simple he didn’t deserve her love. In Carolina’s head she review over and over again all Tess words and a continuing agony began to grow inside her and an irritation to her own.

Tess was right
– Carolina admits to herself shaking her head. How had she been so stupid and foolish acting the way she had with JP, but now there was nothing to do, there was no way to modify the past. She couldn’t ever guess that JP could be a man with the potential to be the man of her life but it never crossed her mind that she would eventually like him for real too. If she knew it, she had never agreed to meet the way they did, but she never imagined or had never crossed her mind that they could have this outcome. She always thought she would have sex and never would see him again, and that after sex she never thought about his existence, but she was so wrong.

That night when she went to bed, still unwell, she couldn’t sleep, though she hadn’t returned to vomit, still in agony she tried to hold up all night. She got up, went to the kitchen to make some tea hoping it could calm her stomach in flames since the call from Tess. She lay down on the couch watching TV and fell asleep already dawn.

Leaving the past behind

In the morning, the boys went up and saw their mother lying on the couch and they knew they needed to wake her up to go to work. It was not usual seeing their mother lying there, but they saw her a couple times fallen asleep when she was watching TV. They knew she would appreciate been waken up. She woke up indisposed and went to work with a horrible headache like if she had a hangover. On the way to work she saw the messages on the phone and reviewed JP message again. She was so disappointed and angry with him, she didn’t know what to do or answer or rather if she should answer him at all. She didn’t want to talk with him anymore because he didn’t deserve a second of her attention any longer. Carolina managed to hold on for five days without answering JP, finally after her irritation have calmed down and with a cool head she sent him a message saying:

"Imagine she wanted to introduce me to someone I already knew, she must been hitting her head somewhere."

She tried to send him a relaxing message, no details about the potential romantic encounter that was almost happening and they refused to go into details, let alone talk about what he had told Tess about her.

But she thought and rethought about it – She wouldn’t tell him anything, if she did, he would think that she would be giving too much importance to what happened. That's why she decided to send him a message to relieve pressure between them. He didn’t deserve to know the truth.

As soon he gets her message, and for Carolina’s surprise he replies immediately:

"Ah ah I need you, I want you in my bed again, and shall we meet again?"

That it was, the message that Carolina wanted to receive for so long, the message she was hoping to receive over and over again to set another date, to be with him if only to repeat the extraordinary sex they had. For a moment she is tempted to say yes, but she held back and recalled everything Tess had told her, the way he acted with her and why. Tess was absolutely right, all the messages he sent Carolina, they were all only to confirm if she was still available for him, she couldn’t continue acting the same way as before. Carolina was not a sexual object of anyone, much like less to a man who doesn’t deserve her. She wasn’t willing to give up on her woman’s right for a man. She knew there was no point to continue any conversation with JP, because the only person who would end up suffering it would be her and no one else.

Asking her mind over and over again if she could live and illusion to be happy only for brief moments would that be reasonable.

Would it be worth it?

Or was she just being masochistic?

No, it was over. She wanted to move on in life, she wanted to forget him, and she chose not to give him any answer.

The next day she receives another message from JP:

"I thought that you also wanted to see me"

When Carolina sees the message smiled and thought.

You have no idea how much I want you, how much I want to see and feel the urge to smell you, but you will never know.

Replying hours later:

"Hi, I'm very busy lately, but we can meet to catch up someday."

She waited days for a reply and a call that never came.

Again and proving Tess theory was right, he began by patrolling her and when he was sure that she was still available to him, he despised her completely. Carolina decides to end this bad joke once and for all. Carolina had to strip it of the head once and for all and had to be today. She sent a message to an ex-boyfriend, Nils, asking how he was and if he was still in London. After a few minutes Carolina receives a message from Nils saying:

"Hello, I have been to contact you for some time now, but didn’t know if I should.

I was pleasantly surprised with your message because it seems that was broadcast thoughts. Look, do you want to have dinner with me this week?"

When she see Nils message, Carolina was satisfied that he was not upset with her anymore and that they might be able to be friends or even return to be lovers again, they could start where they stop for the last time, and without delay she responded:

"I'm free this week tell me when you can"

"Tomorrow at 8 pm, we can go directly from work to Patara restaurant, in Mayfair, the one I asked you to be my girlfriend, the one we began our relationship, who knows if it is not a good choice for tomorrow. I’ll go directly from work. Miss you xx"

Carolina smiled when she saw Nils message, it was so easy with him, she remembered that it had been at the restaurant that he had asked if she wanted to date him, he wanted to take her home after dinner. Unconventional his request for these days, but was due to the fact that they had been dating for a few weeks and he didn’t want Carolina to think it was just a one-night stand, Nils wanted that Carolina could be assured that they would start a serious relationship between two adults, something he wished it to last. Carolina beat up herself mentally, how was it possible that she couldn’t love this man who was so perfect, so kind and a real gentleman to her, why was she in love with a man who didn’t deserve her and treated her the way he did. Knowing for sure she wasn’t a masochist, so she had to get rid of that feeling she had for JP once and for all and move on, it might be a good idea to get back together with Nils if he still wanted her back.

"Great, I'll be there xx" Answers Carolina to Nils.

"Can’t wait to see you again, Nils"

With Nils back and interested in her, she was able to forget JP but at least that's what Carolina was hoping to achieve.

She decides to send a final message to JP with the following words:

"I'm seriously thinking to get back to my ex-boyfriend."

At least JP would know that she was going back to her ex-boyfriend and she was not available for him. This obsession that Carolina had for JP would end soon because she was tired of being teased in her face from him. However she knew in her heart that he wasn’t responsible for the situation in which she found herself in it. It happened only because she allowed it to happen, and JP just took the opportunity that Carolina had given him for easy sex, it was as simple as that.

But now the time had come to an end, there wouldn’t be any hope anymore, or messages, and contact would be cut for good. Carolina couldn’t forget the words that JP had said about her to Tess and she had never felt so humiliated and diminished by anyone, let alone from someone who she harboured such strong feeling it’s incomprehensible to her. The last thing she wanted to happen was act or end up as a victim, Carolina wanted JP to know that she was well and was moving forward in life, and without him, she wanted him to know that she didn’t need him for anything. Since she discovered the truth, the way he felt about her, she had reached the limit, she already felt in such a way disappointed with him she thought it was an insult to her intelligence.

However an immediate message from JP arrived.

What more was there to say? He had nothing more to say or she had nothing more to say to him, it was over. She read his message:

"What a coincidence I'm also thinking going back to my ex-girlfriend"

And this message was enough for them to start talking about the former JP's girlfriend that he still loved and Carolina’s former boyfriend. With JP there was never a way to predict what would happen, but when Carolina tried to distance herself from JP, there was always something that was attracting them to get close again, and this time had been former girl/boyfriends. She wanted to tell him goodbye, that was why she had sent that message at the first place and now he bombarded her with messages. Although Carolina before wanted everything to which she was entitled with JP, at this point, even if he wanted a relationship with her, she no longer felt strong enough to be with him, Carolina kept the same thought that he didn’t deserve her and hoped he had the courage to delete her contact her, and stop the messages. Gone were Carolina’s plans when JP began to open up again talking about his previous relationship and talked non-stop about his ex-girlfriend.

Carolina tried to avoid be heartbroken, but she was still sensitive to him, so she remained suffering in silence, reading all the messages he wrote and described a love so intense and illogical, an overwhelming passion he had for this woman. She wished secretly that he felt that way for her, but no, it was for another woman. A woman who didn’t want him and it was this woman who couldn’t live with him. They were unable to understand each other, because he couldn’t cope with the feeling of an intense passion he felt for her, eventually ruin their relationship. However he continued to feel that overwhelming passion for her, confiding that he thought about her every day, he couldn’t get her out of his mind. He was still completely in love with this woman and nothing seemed to make him change his mind!

JP didn’t realize how much he was hurting Carolina’s heart, with her undergoing as a counsellor friend. Not only JP opened with Carolina but also asked questions about Nils. JP asked if Nils behaved like a man or if he behaved like a boy. If he was a happy man and could give her happiness, if he could provide her security, comfort and support showing his concern about her with her former boyfriend, he wanted to know if Nils treated her well or not. Sometimes Carolina had the impression when JP spoke or asked questions about Nils, he had a twinge of jealousy or was she just wishing he was jealous of Nils? She couldn’t see clearly, but was determined to continue with Nils and let JP back in her past, maybe their fate would be remain just friends and talk about each other’s relationship, who knows.

"Tell me about him, is he willing to marry? Does he want to have children?"

JP kept on insisting on all those questions. When she sees the messages, she takes a deep breath, she didn’t want to talk about Nils with JP, and it was too depressing for her. She didn’t want to be rude eventually she would answer contradicted, but she tried to be always polite.

"He is an extremely intelligent man, cultured, multilingual, with several PHD’s.

It's too early to think about marriage, I need time to get used to the idea of marrying again.

Regarding children with Nils it’s not an option because he had a vasectomy after his children were born long ago." Explained Carolina to JP hoping it was enough. Heading the bedroom exhausted from all the text messages from JP, Carolina find herself having the same dream again. She was with a man at the beach, every time it was the same dream. This time waking her up in the middle of the night, a new episode in the dream had happen, the man had reached her so close that he touched with his lips, Carolina’s lips, he kissed her, and Carolina woke up recognizing JP’s kiss and smell. It was just a dream, but she couldn’t fall asleep again.

The next day, Carolina was very excited to see Nils again while she tried to convince herself all day long that he was the right man for her, he was a man who deserved her, and he was the best option to build a life with. After work Carolina met Nils to dine as they had agreed. When she saw him again, his appearance was better than ever and his charming smile made her forget JP for a few moments. And she couldn’t stop wonder why didn’t she love this magnificent man, which fate had put in her way and everything was perfect when she was with him, she couldn’t understand why.

Patara
restaurant was a restaurant serving Thai food, mostly spicy but very tasty. The food has all this spices and unusual ingredients that she doesn’t uses on her everyday dishes. The restaurant had a Zen-like aspect with a very relaxing and cosy atmosphere, and its appearance was elegant and romantic. Carolina and Nils talked all night and he asked again if she wanted to continue where they had ended almost two years ago. He told Carolina that he was still alone, had tried other relationships but without success mainly because he always giving priority to work and no woman can hold this pressure. Nils confided to Carolina that he was willing to return to date her if she also wanted him back, because he still loved her and the relationship they had was the best he ever had. Carolina already imagined he was going to propose to start dating again, she wanted to return to Nils, she wanted to answer him yes, she was momentarily betrayed by her heart and her mouth remained closed longer than the time needed to give him an answer.

Flashes of JP haunted her mind, she wants to compose herself and give a reply to this wonderful man, she wants to return to the present and stay with Nils. She can’t avoid remember everything that happened to her and JP in memory flashes, she remembered all the horrible words that JP told Tess about her as well. And it was this last memory of JP, these harsh words, but real that brought her back to reality, making her realize that she and JP will never have any opportunity to be together, let alone build a relationship.

After a few minutes Carolina managed to compose herself saying to Nils she wanted to try again. She wanted to start dating him, she admitted that she had also had great moments with him and she missed him as well, which was the true as she missed him not out of love, but as a companion and as a friend.

Mentally repeating in an endlessly pray that this was the right decision for her because he is undoubtedly the ideal man for her. JP would never love and treat her well the way Nils does. Nils wants her as a woman with respect, for companionship and friendship. After all Carolina knows already how to be in a relationship with Nils, everything is fantastic and predictable, which makes the relationship comfortable. When Nils and Carolina finished dinner, they end up in Notting Hill together in Nils’s house.