The Definitive Book of Body Language (55 page)

Now to our restaurant or dinner party: getting a decision in your favor is easier when the other person is relaxed and his defensive barriers have been lowered. To achieve this end, and keeping in mind what has already been said about our ancestors, a few simple rules need to be followed.

First, whether you are dining at home or at a restaurant, have the other person sitting with his back to a solid wall or screen. Research shows that respiration, heart rate, brainwave frequencies, and blood pressure rapidly increase when a person sits with his back to an open space, particularly where others are moving about. Tension is further increased if the person's back
is toward an open door or a window at ground level. So this is a good position to seat someone when you want to unnerve or rattle. Next, the lights should be dimmed and muffled background music should be played to relax the senses. Many top restaurants have an open fireplace or fire facsimile near the entrance of the restaurant to re-create the effects of the fire that burned at the ancient cave feasts. It would be best to use a round table and to have the other person's view of other people obscured by a screen or large green plant if you want a captive audience.

Top restaurants use these relaxation techniques to extract large amounts of money from their customers' wallets for ordinary food, and men have been using them for thousands of years to create a romantic atmosphere for their women. It's far easier to obtain a favorable decision under these circumstances than it will ever be in restaurants that have bright lighting, tables and chairs placed in open areas, and the banging of plates, knives, and forks.

Seating positions should not be accidental; placing certain people in specific positions can affect the outcome of a meeting. The next time you go to a meeting with anyone, ask yourself: who is the person you want to influence most and where is the best position to sit to achieve this? Who is likely to want to argue or oppose? If there is no appointed leader, who has claimed a seating position to give themselves the most power? If you want to control, where should you sit? The answers to these questions will not only give you a powerful edge, they will prevent others from trying to dominate or control the meeting.

Adam left the interview suspecting he'd done badly. Was
it what he'd said that blew it? Or perhaps his chocolate-brown
suit, goatee beard, earring, and overstuffed briefcase
turned them off? Or had he simply sat in the wrong chair?

Most job interviews are nonproductive because studies show a strong correlation between how much the interviewer likes the interviewee and whether or not they get the job. In the end, most of the factual information that comes from the curriculum vitae—the real stuff about the candidate that is a good indicator of performance—is forgotten. What is remembered is the impression the candidate made on the interviewer.

Professor Frank Bernieri of the University of Toledo analyzed the performances of job applicants of various ages and backgrounds during twenty-minute interviews in which the interviewers were asked to rate each candidate on attributes such as ambition, intelligence, and competence. Then a group of observers was asked to watch video footage of just the first fifteen seconds of each interview. The results showed that the observers' first impressions in fifteen seconds almost paralleled the impressions of the interviewers. This study gives us further convincing evidence that you definitely don't get a second chance to make a first impression and that your approach, handshake, and overall body language are the key factors in deciding the outcome.

Research in the field of linguistics has shown a direct relationship between the amount of status, power, or prestige a person commands, and their vocabulary range. The higher up the social or management ladder a person is, the better he is likely to be able to communicate in words and phrases. Body-language research has revealed a correlation between a person's command of the spoken word and the number of gestures they use to communicate their message. The person at the top end of the status scale can use his range of vocabulary to communicate his meaning, whereas the less-educated, less-skilled lower-status person will rely more on gestures than words to communicate his message. He doesn't have the words so he substitutes gestures for words. As a general rule, the higher up the person is on the socioeconomic scale, the less gesticulation and body movement they are likely to use.

Special Agent James Bond used these principles to great effect by having minimal body gestures, especially when he was under pressure. When he was being intimidated by the baddies, being insulted or shot at, he remained relatively motionless and spoke in short, monotone sentences.

High-status people always “keep their cool,” which means revealing as little of their emotions as possible. Actors such as Jim Carrey are the opposite—they often play highly animated roles, emphasizing a lack of power, and usually play powerless, intimidated men.

Let's assume you're going to an interview and you want to make the best first impression. Keep in mind that others form up to 90 percent of their opinion about you in the first four minutes and that 60 to 80 percent of the impact you will make is nonverbal.

Here are nine Golden Keys to getting it right the first time in an interview:

Remove your outerwear and give it to the receptionist if possible. Avoid entering an office with your arms full of clutter that can make you fumble and look inept. Always
stand
in a reception area—never sit. Receptionists will insist you “take a seat” because when you do, you're out of sight and they no longer have to deal with you. Stand with Hand-in-Hand behind your back (confidence) and slowly rock back and forth on your feet (confident, controlled) or use the Steeple gesture. This body language is a constant reminder that you are still there and waiting. But never do this at the Tax Office.

Your entry tells others how you expect to be treated. When the receptionist has given you the green light to enter, walk in without hesitation. Do not stand in the doorway like a naughty
schoolchild waiting to see the headmaster. When you walk through the door of the person's office, maintain the same speed. People who lack confidence change gears and perform a small shuffle as they enter.

Even if the person is on the phone, rummaging through a drawer, or tying his shoelaces, walk in directly and confidently with a smooth motion. Put down your briefcase, folder, or whatever is in your hands, shake the person's hand, and immediately take a seat. Let the other person see that you are accustomed to walking confidently into offices and that you don't expect to be kept waiting. People who walk slowly or take long strides convey that they have plenty of time on their hands, are not interested in what they are doing, or have nothing else to do. This is fine for retired millionaires and those who live in Florida and Queensland, but not for anyone who wants to convey power, authority, or capability or that they are a healthy, potential mate. Influential people and those who command attention walk briskly at a medium pace with medium-length strides.

Keep your palm straight and return the pressure you receive. Let the other person decide when to end the handshake. Step to the left of a rectangular desk as you approach to avoid being given a Palm-Down handshake. Never shake directly across a desk. Use a person's name twice in the first fifteen seconds and never talk for more than thirty seconds at a time.

If you are compelled to sit in a low chair directly facing the other person, turn it away forty-five degrees from the person to avoid being stuck in the “reprimand” position. If you can't angle the chair, angle your body instead.

If you're invited to sit in an informal area of the person's office,
such as at an informal coffee table, this is a positive sign because
95
percent of business rejections are delivered from behind a desk. Never sit on a low sofa that sinks so low it makes you look like a giant pair of legs topped by a small head—if necessary, sit upright on the edge so you can control your body language and gestures, and angle your body to forty-five degrees away from the person.

People who are cool, calm, collected, and in control of their emotions use clear, uncomplicated, deliberate movements. High-status individuals use fewer gestures than low-status individuals. This is an ancient negotiating ploy—people with power don't have to move much. Keep in mind that Eastern Europeans gesture more from the elbow down than Westerners, and Southern Europeans gesture more with their entire arms and shoulders. Mirror the other person's gestures and expressions when appropriate.

Respect the other person's Personal Space, which will be largest in the opening minutes of the meeting. If you move too close, the person will respond by sitting back, leaning away, or using repetitive gestures such as drumming the fingers. As a rule, you can move closer to familiar people but farther back from new ones. Men generally move closer to women they work with, while women generally move farther back when they work with men. Work closer to those of similar age and farther back from significantly older or younger ones.

Pack your things calmly and deliberately—not in a frenzy— shake hands if possible, turn, and walk out. If the door was closed when you entered, close it behind you as you leave. People always watch you from behind as you leave, so, if you're a man, make sure you have shined the back of your shoes. This is an area many men neglect and women are critical of this.
When a woman decides to leave she will point her foot toward the door and begin to adjust the back of her clothing and hair so that she makes a good rear-view impression as she departs. As mentioned earlier, hidden cameras show that, if you're a woman, others study your rear as you depart—whether you like it or not. When you get to the door turn around slowly and smile. It's far better that they recall your smiling face than your rear end.

If someone keeps you waiting for more than twenty minutes it shows either they're disorganized or it could be a form of power play. Keeping someone waiting is an effective way of reducing their status and enhancing the status of the person who is making them wait. This same effect can be seen when people are waiting in line at a restaurant or cinema—everyone assumes that the wait is going to be worthwhile, otherwise why would we all be waiting?

Always take a book, PDA, laptop, or office work, which shows that you too are busy and are not prepared to be inconvenienced. When the person who has kept you waiting comes out to meet you let them speak first, lift your head slowly from your work and greet them, then pack up smoothly and confidently. Another good strategy when made to wait is to take out some financial papers and a calculator and do calculations. When they call for you say, “I'll be ready in a moment—I'll just finish these calculations.” Or you could make all your cellphone calls. The clear message you are sending is that you're a very busy person and are not being inconvenienced by their disorganization. And if you suspect the other person is playing a power game, arrange for an urgent call to be put through to you during your meeting. Take the call, loudly mention large amounts of money, drop in a well-known name or two, tell the caller you never settle for second best and that they are to report back to you as soon as possible. Hang up the phone, apologize
for the interruption, and continue as if nothing had happened. Hey, it works for James Bond…it'll work for you.

If the other person takes a phone call during the meeting or a third person enters and begins what seems like a long conversation, take out your book or homework and begin to read. This gives them privacy and demonstrates that you don't waste your time. If you feel the person is doing these things intentionally, take out your own cell phone and make several important follow-up calls about the important ventures you were discussing earlier.

If you avoid Hand-to-Face gestures and always talk using openness signals, does this mean you can tell some real whoppers and get away with it? Well… not necessarily, because if you use open positions when you
know
you're lying, your palms are likely to sweat, your cheeks may twitch, and your pupils constrict. The most competent liars are those who can go into their acting role and act as if they actually believe the lie. A professional actor who can do this better than anyone else is presented with an Oscar. While we are not suggesting you tell lies, there is powerful evidence that if you practice the positive skills we've mentioned throughout this book, they will become second nature to you and serve you well for the rest of your life.