The Douchebag Bible (3 page)

CHRISTIANS ARE STUPID, EVIL,

CHILD-ABUSERS.

According to the Bible, God created the Earth in six days.

According to calculations by Charles Lineweaver and

Daniel Grether at the University of New South Wales there

are about 100 billion stars with planets in our Galaxy. That

means that, with 100 billion galaxies in the known universe,

there are
at least
10 trillion planets out there.

Do you see where I’m going with this?

How did a God who took six days to create our pathetic

little planet do the same trick 10 trillion times since then? It

would have taken God 60 trillion days to create every planet

in the universe. That’s 164,383,561,643 years of worth work,

give or take a few months.

From the genealogies found in the Bible, Christian

‘scholars’ have deduced that the Earth is between six and ten-

thousand years old.

“Well,” says the ever crafty fundie, “maybe God created

those other planets first, to prepare the universe for us!”

Nice try, christsucker.

“In the beginning God created the Heaven and the

Earth.”

Genesis 1:1

“That doesn’t prove anything!” further protests our missing

link between man and tree stump, “It says he created the

heaven first. The heaven could include those planets.”

Heaven is a place of unending bliss, remember? If those

planets were part of God’s heaven, then going to Heaven would

be as easy as building the
USS Enterprise
.

“Translation error!”

But . . .

“TRANSLATION ERROR! JESUS DIED FOR YOUR

SINS!”

Ah, translation errors—the last refuge of a thoroughly

defeated Christian. When you hear the words “translation

error,” pat yourself on the back. You’ve just won. Every

argument with a fundamentalist Christian goes through six

basic steps.

1. Atheist challenges scripture.

2. Theist defends scripture.

3. Atheist refutes defense.

4. Theist makes statement about the glory of Christ

and his dying for our sins.

5. Atheist continues to press original issue.

6. Theist claims a translation error.

I don’t recommend pressing the issue beyond step six for a

reason that is exactly one word long:
Salem
. Don’t think

they’d hesitate to kill you. These are the same people who still

support Bush and the war in Iraq. They have no moral qualms

about purging the world of sinners.

In fact, they have no morals at all.

Nothing bears this out better than the psychological,

and in many cases physical, torture that they inflict upon their

own children. Let me ask you a question (You can’t answer or

argue! God, I love this medium!): Why the fuck is it legal to tell

toddlers that they could go to Hell?

Don’t get me wrong. There exist few bigger freedom fans

than me. The first amendment to the constitution guarantees

all people in the United States freedom of religion, without

government interference. To my way of thinking, passing a

law against teaching your children about your religion is

unconstitutional. Aside from that, there is a limit to how much

I am willing to meddle with the upbringing of any child. Most

child-rearing decisions belong to parents, plain and simple.

However, children are not property. They are human

beings who should be extended a certain degree of individual

rights. Modern society does not allow parents to beat their

children, despite the bible’s endorsement of corporal

punishment. While I don’t necessarily agree that all spanking

should be illegal, I think that the vast majority of people would

agree that there is a line that should not be crossed. Parents

do not have to right to mangle their children’s bottoms (or any

other part of them), regardless of what their holy texts might

say about it. The action of beating one’s children is illegal.

Doing it in the name of God is no less illegal.

Now imagine the psychological abuse of being taught

from an age before your reasoning faculties are developed, that

if you do not obey the doctrines of a religion that you have no

hope of understanding, you will burn in a pit of unfathomable

torment where demons will gnaw at every centimeter of your

flesh and the unimaginable heat of fire too hot to comprehend

will drag multi-pronged dagger-tongues across your soul until

the end of time. I see that as being worse than a beating in the

long run. You might as well just hand the kid a rifle and point

him to the nearest bell tower.

So, why do we allow it? I can’t think of a good reason.

We’d never allow a parent to tell their child, “If you don’t obey

me, I will pull out all of your teeth with an old pair of pliers

and fuck your mouth!” so why do we allow, “If you don’t obey

God (me), you’ll go to a land of eternal torment to writhe in

agony for infinities upon infinities!”

If you remove the sacred cow status of religion for a

moment and look at the situation objectively, I’m sure you

won’t be able to answer the following question.

Who does more damage to a child: a one-time rapist or

a parent who teaches them that if they’re not good

they’ll burn in hell forever?

Whatever your answer, I’m willing to bet that you actually had

to stop to think about it.

CONVERSION COUNTER:

0 AND STEADY

I once remarked that converting a Christian to atheism is like

changing the label on a jar of pickled dog turds. I stand by that

statement.