The Douchebag Bible (6 page)

of paper. After a few hours you type an ‘M.’ You stare it with

the attentiveness of a coked-out president peeking in at one of

his hot daughters showering through a cracked door (nothing

against "good ol' G Dubbya." I ain’t no terrorist-lover). What

the fuck is wrong with that fucking M? He’s just sitting there,

looking at you in his smug, smart-ass way. FUCK HIM! You

lift the typewriter up and toss it across the room right into

your TV set, smashing the screen to smithereens. That's okay,

you tell yourself, it is unbefitting a writer such as myself to

watch television anyway.

You decide that the typewriter approach is outdated.

You decide that you need to go buy a brand new PC.

Unfortunately you have no way to pay for it unless you take

all the money out the savings account that you've had since

you were a little kid and would sell your body to the local sex

offender. That's okay though, you're going to be a filthy

stinking-ass rich writer soon. You’ll show that fucking M!

You’ll never put him in any of your stories! There wont be any

M’s in your stories! No sir!

On your way out the door your phone rings. You pick it

up. It's your boss wondering where you were all day. You tell

him to go fuck himself up the ass with a big, floppy, rubber

dick. You hang up the phone and giggle at your cleverness.

You feel better all ready.

A few hours later, you're back with your brand new,

deluxe, limited addition XK-33 with an ultimum 666 processor

and a flat-screen monitor. The side of the box reads, THE

OFFICIAL COMPUTER OF SATAN. You smile and nod with

self-approval at you excellent purchase. You bring it into your

work room (formerly called the bathroom) and plug that bad

boy in. It explodes into flames and burns down your apartment

complex, killing two and injury twenty. You are badly burned,

but the paramedics tell you that your insurance has expired.

No biggie! The burns don't hurt that much, and you're

sure you can sleep at a friend’s house until you get back on

your feet. And tomorrow you can go back to that computer

shop and give them Hell! You hop in your car. It won't start.

Who cares? It’s a nice night for walking anyway.

After a few hours (during which you could not locate one

working payphone) you arrive at your friend apartment. He is

not home. You begin to feel a bit angry and decide to mutilate

the first person you see. You spot and old granny walking her

tiny poodle around the block. The bitch must die! You run after

her screaming obscenities at the top of your lungs. Her face

contorts in panic and she grabs a Glock .9mm out of her purse.

You scream, jump back and try to run, but granny isn't having

it!

"Thought you could off me, huh? Ya sonuvabitch!" she

yells passionately, while unloading two bullets into you—one

in each butt cheek. You fall to the ground and turn on your

side. She uses this opportunity to kick your nuts a few times.

Then, as you clutch them in pain, her dog mistakes your face

for a fire-hydrant. After she leaves, you lie there and pray for

death. It doesn't come, but the police do.

They arrest you, but it's not such a bad thing. At least

you'll get some medical attention, and you'll have plenty of

time to write in prison.

HOW TO SEEM SMART

Even though you will, over the course of my numerous lessons,

become much smarter than you are now, you'll still be fairly

stupid. Which is okay, since advancement in human society is

based not on how intelligent you are, but how intelligent you

can seem to those handing out social promotions.

"I

don't

understand,

Amazing

Atheist!

BLaaaaaarrGGGHH! Why come is I be so dumb?"

It's okay. I'll simplify it for you:

You are stupid. The Amazing Atheist is smart. But if

you follow his instructions to a T you can at least
seem
smart

to others. Thus, your position in the social hierarchy will rise

faster than your dick at the sight of any sort of farm animal.

VOCABULARY

A timeless method for seeming smarter than you could ever

hope to be is to use incredibly complicated language to

communicate any task. For example:

Concise Language:
"My friends and I will go to the store and

get some food."

'Genius' Language:
"Presently, myself and some

acquaintances shall embark upon a journey to the local

market in the pursuit of reasonably priced sustenance to sate

our appetites in the immediate and for a period of days

forthcoming.”

Sure, people won't understand what you're saying, but you'll

seem smart to them because you used lots of really big words.

This is because they, like you, are stupid and have no concept

as to what actually constitutes intelligence.

SILENCE

Abraham Lincoln once said, "It is better to keep your mouth

shut and be thought a fool than to open it up and get your

tongue eaten by evil flies."

Or something along those lines.

Anyhow, the point is this:
shut the fuck up.
For some

reason, people who don't talk much are considered to be

intelligent. Perhaps because it is assumed that they are deep

in thought about physics or genetic enhancement of the male

sexual organ, or whatever it is that smart people think about.
*

GLASSES

Smart people wear glasses. This is a well known fact among

anyone who watches TV. If a guy (or gal) wears glasses, let it

be known that they are probably capable of building atom

bombs using only duct tape and silly putty. If you already wear

glasses, great. If you don't, go get some. It is a good idea to get

the ugliest possible pair in the store since everyone knows that

smart people have no . . .

FASHION SENSE

BACK AWAY FROM THE DESIGNER BRANDS! From now

on you shop at K-mart, where you will buy only the most

repulsive clothes that you can find. You need stuff that

positively screams, "I AM A GEEK! I'M TOO SMART TO

WASTE TIME DRESSING MYSELF LIKE A HUMAN

BEING." If you have trouble finding clothes that scream that,

record it on a pocket recorder and play it in a continuous loop

everywhere you go.

THE LAUGH

Smart people do not laugh the same way, or at the same things,

that other people do. You must perfect a laugh that sounds

something like a bat getting butt-fucked by and elephant. This

will take time and practice, and I recommend that you allow

yourself to get butt-fucked by an elephant (just once) so that

you can get in the proper frame of mind. You don't have to, I

suppose. If you do, be sure to take pictures and send them to

all the members of your family as well as your classmates/co-

workers. Smart people are always doing eccentric things like