The Douchebag Bible (5 page)

easy that it doesn't even require any brain activity. Basically,

you just grumble.

Victim:
"Hey, AA, can I borrow some salmon?"

Me:
"Grrrrrrr . . . Flippidyskittlefucker! YOU KNOW NOT MY

POWAH!!!"

Victim:
"What?"

Me:
"Fraggenrippert shitterpickfork eat nachos in hellzzor!!!"

Victim:
"Uh. I'll come back later."

THE "MY LIFE IS SHIT" METHOD

This is the favorite among whiney people, who, for the most

part, don't even understand that it repels people. Basically,

when you are approached by an undesirable, you start

whining about everything wrong in your life. If you have a

relatively happy life, just make some shit up. The more inane

the shit you bitch about, the better. If you bitch about valid

things, then your misery is likely to be compelling—which you

don't want. For instance:

Victim:
"Hi, TJ!"

Me (in depressed voice):
"Hi."

Victim:
"Something the matter? You sound down."

Now, this is where you hit them with it. Your response should

be inane and whiney. You don't want to compel them.

WRONG RESPONSE:
"Oh. Nothing much. A serial killer

murdered everyone I loved and brutally raped me."

That's sure to lead to a lot of consolation that you don't want.

RIGHT RESPONSE:
"
Something
the matter? No.

EVERYTHING is the matter. I've got a paper cut. My Coke is

flat. My Toes hurt. My hands are kind of cold. And to top it all

off, people that I hate keep trying to talk to me."

THE POLITE ASSHOLE METHOD

This method requires more brains than the others, and is the

least effective in getting rid of people since many are too thick

to even know that they are being insulted. However, this is the

best method for those desiring a feeling of superiority to those

that they are insulting. You most commonly see this technique

used by people who want to insult people who are ridiculous,

but have a lot of authority.

Basically, you insult them subtly, and make it sound

like a compliment. A good sense of irony is needed for this one.

Victim:
"Do you think that they will ever create a computer

with Artificial Intelligence?"

Me:
I don't think a machine could function on your intellectual

level, sir.

Victim:
Really?

Me:
Oh yeah. A computer with a brain like yours wouldn’t

know what to do with itself.

THE AMAZING ATHEIST METHOD

This is my favorite method, and not just because it's named

after me. I won't even bother explaining, because you'd never

understand, but I'll give you an example:

Victim:
"Hi, TJ, do you want to go swimming?"

Me:
"In your bloody remains maybe."

Victim:
"Um . . . huh?"

Me:
"Fuck you, you shriveled scrotum sack!"

Victim:
"Hey! Fuck you, uh . . . asshole!"

Me:
"SUCK THE BALLS OF THE GREAT MONKEY

DEMON!"

Victim:
"Eeeeeeek!" (faints.)

"Wow, Amazing Atheist, you sure are the greatest genius to ever

live."

Yes. And you aren't even worthy of my great wisdom.

Anyhow, I'm off to drink the urine of 17 virgin cattle so that I

may unlock the secrets of the multiverse and all of its special

juicy cosmic-type powers.

HOW TO WRITE A BOOK

This is what writers do. They sit down and write. You don't

need a big vocabulary. Hell, you don't even have to have much

of anything to say. Most things, after all, will say themselves

if you let them.

Another thing to remember is that you have to write

what you feel like writing; you'll never get anywhere if you

write what you think. That's probably why I'm struggling so

much with this medium. I'm not a very emotional person. Shit.

If I even unlocked the feelings that I know must be somewhere

deep inside me (probably near the crotch) I would be better

than Shakespeare. Well, not really. But I could be pretty

goddamned good—better than any of these fucking monkeys

that are writing today.

That's kind of funny. Isn't that how it always starts?

You look at the work of those who are getting paid for

something and realize,
that's awful! I could do better than that!

And that's when the little light bulb manifests out of thin air

right above your head. You realize that you've just found your

calling. Writing! What could be better? You can remain as lazy

as you ever were and never have to go out doors. You can be

as ugly as a festering splatter of runny cat shit and still

become an internationally recognized celebrity with infinite

wealth.

Well, actually, most writers make next to nothing and

have to hang on to their day jobs to pay the rent, but fuck those

guys! You aren't going to be one of those! You're going to be a

number one bestseller. Stephen King will beg to suck your dick

so that he may achieve an inkling of your tremendous talent

by stealing your semen and using it to make a clone of you so

that he can steal its inevitably brilliant ideas. You could write

a book about your right nut and sell more than J.K. Rowling.

That is the extent of your talent.

After having had this epiphany, you rush home and

break out the old typewriter (PC's are for pussies). After you

get the dust out of every crevasse and yank the dead rat out of

the roller, you’re ready to begin work on your masterpiece. No

ideas emerge immediately. You give up and go to sleep saying

that you'll try it again tomorrow.

The next day you sit, gazing madly at the blank sheet