The Douchebag Bible (47 page)

obsessive-compulsions, split personalities, paranoid

delusions, massive insecurities, social anxieties,

crippling phobias and dozens of other mental

obstacles that they must deal with. Other people

have physical disabilities, unwanted dependents,

crazy spouses, serious financial problems, medical

bills, ruthless enemies, problems at work, etc.

Depression is just one of many problems in the

human condition.

That’s what I say to depressed people. Fight or

die. Or at least stop your moaning. I’ve grown weary

of the bleating of cowards, and with seven billion

fuckers on this planet, it’s not like the lives of these

people are so precious that we can’t afford to lose

them. Don’t get me wrong, I’d much prefer that they

overcome their depression and be happy, but if they

won’t even try then I don’t see why I should

sympathize with them. Especially when I've done

that which they claim is impossible.

Ultimately, dealing with rage, depression and

social anxiety my entire life has given me a very

different view of life and the human condition than

most people. Most people start off idealistic and

become cynical over time. I started off cynical and

I'm trying—desperately—to find something to be

idealistic about. I'm trying to find something about

my species that gives me hope. Thus far, I've come

up short. I've failed to find humankind's great

redeeming characteristic. Have I failed to find it

because it's not there or because of some flaw in my

own internal processes? We'll explore that more in

the next chapter.

Is that what makes me worth listening to? The

fact that I never fell in with any clique? That I never

belonged anywhere? That I never drank anyone's

Kool Aid?

I don’t know if anyone out there is stupid or

crazy enough to consider me to be a source of

wisdom, but if even one such person exists, I have to

share with them the most important thing I know.

Perhaps it is something that most people already

know, and that I am only just now finding out.

I’ve never been like most people. In some ways,

I’m proud of that, but mostly I just feel like everyone

is speaking a language that I don’t understand. Then

again, maybe everyone feels that way. Maybe there

are as many different languages as there are

different people. But that’s not my wisdom. That’s

just an observation that will probably be labeled

pretentious by people who use words like

pretentious to hide the fact that they lack any real

criticisms.

My wisdom is this: the people who hate you

will hate you no matter what concessions you

attempt to make. They will hate you if you repent.

They will hate you if you clarify. They will hate you

if you attempt to explain. Don’t attempt to reason

with people that hate you. They don’t want to

understand you, they only want to defeat you. To

them, life is a contest to see who can be the most

right or perceived as the most moral. Things like

understanding and finding a middle ground are

beyond them. They’re not worth your time or your

effort.

There is a quote, by Friedrich Wilhelm

Nietzsche. He said: “He who fights with monsters

might take care lest he thereby become a monster.

And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss

gazes also into you.” It’s long been my favorite quote,

but I’ve failed to heed it’s warning. I have, in fact,

dedicated my life to fighting monsters and staring

into the abyss. And I don’t want to do it anymore.

But it’s all I know how to do.

3. YOUTUBER

I'm just not what anyone pictures when they

imagine a popular YouTuber. If you look at the types

of people who become big on YouTube, they look

like the people who were fucking popular in high

school. Wretched people with big smiles and little

brains. Small picture people with timidity in their

hearts—complete capitulation to conventionality is

their credo.

And it’s harder than people think to be a

YouTuber. I have to monitor news and cultural

trends. I have to do everything in my power to make

sure that I’m relevant and entertaining. And if I fail,

I have nothing. I don’t have a safety net to fall back

on. It’s either I make my audience laugh or I die.

If they don’t find me entertaining, I don’t have

another skill to fall back on. This is it for me. If I’m

ever cutthroat, it’s because my livelihood is on the

line. I fear every day that I will lose this thing that I

have built for years. I am terrified that people will

simply lose interest and find something better to do

with their time.

I don’t live in the lap of luxury. I don’t have

health insurance. I have ratty clothes. I make money,

but I spend a lot of it trying to build a website that I

hope will be successful enough to give me a little bit