The Douchebag Bible (50 page)

Bo tried to physically fight me and call the

police on me several more times after that first

major incident. Each time for making very little

noise. None of my other neighbors ever complained.

In fact, I asked my next door neighbor if he had any

issues with my noise levels and he told me that he’d

never heard a peep.

I was told by my landlord that this man, Bo,

had complained about the noise of the traffic outside,

the noise of people entering the apartment building

late at night, the noise of crickets in the grass out in

front of the building, etc. This man was not rational,

yet everyone was terrified of confronting him

because of his violent temperament.

Finally, I had enough. I moved out of the

apartment months before my lease was up. I don’t

think I will ever be able to live in an apartment again.

My life was turned into constant stress by this one

man. For months afterward, I couldn’t walk on my

house's floor without tip-toeing around because I

subconsciously thought I might set off the powder

keg of a neighbor living below me. And every time I

realized that I didn’t have to worry about him

anymore, it was a tremendous relief.

Perhaps the most ironic thing of all about this

whole situation is that my neighbor would

constantly get into screaming matches with his

college-aged son. So this noise-hating psycho was, in

and of himself, incredibly loud. I would have to

listen to him berate his son at the top of his lungs at

least once a month.

Even after I moved out, Bo still wound up

giving me a little bit more grief. I had rented too

small of a Uhaul and so I'd had to make more than

one trip to get all my stuff. I didn't arrive at the house

to collect my last few things until 3 in the morning.

There were only a few things left inside and it only

took us 15 minutes to pack all of the remaining

stuff—but Bo spent the entire 15 minutes yelling at

me and my friends that we weren't supposed to be

there and that I was supposed to be out by midnight

and I was trespassing. He even called up my

Landlord (at 3AM!). I ended up talking to my

Landlord on Bo's phone and trying to calm the

situation.

I kept telling Bo, “Why do you give a shit? I'm

leaving. We won't be neighbors anymore. This is the

last you'll ever have to deal with me. Why are you

trying to create an altercation?” He was no amenable

to this logic. Galen was less geared towards a

peaceful resolution and kept taunting Bo, daring

him to do something. But of course, Bo didn't do

anything. He talked pretty much constantly about

kicking people's asses, but he had no real follow-

through.

8. ZEN MOTHERFUCKER

When I was 13, I was made fun of for being the boy

with breasts. My fat has always liked to deposit itself

on my chest, and the bigger I got, the bigger my boy

tits got. Well, now they’re man tits.

The older I've gotten, the more I've realized

that other people are going to give you shit no matter

what you do or how you look or what you are. People

are just assholes. You just have to keep your chin up

and learn how to look them right in the eye and say,

“Fuck you. I’m proud to be me.” I consider that to be

my pursuit of happiness.

Most people who strive for happiness are

embroiled in misery. They don’t want happiness for

some property that happiness holds; they want

happiness because to them, it represents an end to

their internal torment.

I don’t really seek happiness any longer. Nor

do I run from pain. I exist, and I seek out that which

interests me. I do that which feels worth doing.

What emotional reward it will give me is not

foremost in my mind.

The odd thing is this: when you let go of your

concern for your emotional well-being, you find that,

more often than not, you are content. There will be

anger and there will be sorrow and there will be

boredom—but that’s fine. Those are just states of

being and they, like happiness, are ephemeral. And

it is possible to look at them rationally, even when

you are in the throes of them.

I am not a hedonist. I do not hold pleasure

above all things. Nor do I seek refuge from my pain.

Nor do I ignore my needs for pleasures and my

needs for pains. I simply follow my passions,

wherever they may lead.

I call this attitude bullshit zen. And it came in

handy recently in my pursuit of losing weight. My

most valuable advice on weight loss, however, is

don’t listen to the people who think they’re experts.

Everyone thinks you’ve “got” to do this. Or you’ve

“got” to do that.

Fuck them.

You know what you’ve got to do on a diet? Eat

good food. Even if that, to you, is a bunch of