The Fine Line (16 page)

I waited next to Matt under the heat lamp as Logan retrieved our coats from his car.  I was thankful to have a sweater and jeans on.  Some of the girls in line were wearing nothing but mini dresses.  They must’ve been freezing. 

The cab pulled up to the curb just as Logan returned.  I gave Matt a hug and a quick peck on the cheek before remembering that he was supposed to be a tough guy tonight.  “Thank you, Matt.  For everything.”

He smiled without any hint that my thoughtless affection had bothered him.  “Anytime, hon.  Take care of that lip.”

Logan held the cab door open for me as he nodded a goodbye to Matt.  I scooted in and moved to the other side while Logan entered behind me.

“Where to?” the cabbie asked.

Logan gave him my address, and the cab started down the road.  With no radio on and none of us talking, the only sound to be heard was that of the heater vents and the tires on the road.

I turned to face Logan.  His gaze was overly focused on the nothing that was straight ahead, with his elbow on the window ledge and his knuckle on his temple.  The city lights lit up his face as they moved, each time making the gloss in his eyes more apparent.  He knew I was watching him, but he wouldn’t meet my stare.

“Logan?” I whispered.

“Yeah,” he said, still looking ahead of him.

I hesitated.  I wanted to ask him if we were good, but I was afraid of what the answer would be.  He took a chance tonight.  He put himself out there without getting the result he had hoped for, and part of me knew that after tonight, we would never be good again.  At least not in the way we were.  Tonight was a turning point. 

For the first time, I questioned my decision. But I couldn’t tell him what I was thinking without giving him mixed signals.  He deserved better than that.  I sighed. “Never mind.”

I looked straight ahead as tears began to well in my eyes and a huge rock formed in my throat.  We had to be okay.  There was no other option.  All my attempts to keep him couldn’t have been done in vain.  This situation needed to be rectified.

I placed my hand, palm down, next to my thigh and took a deep, hopeful, breath.  Slowly, I moved my hand to the center of the seat, between the two of us, hoping, praying that he would meet me halfway.

Logan remained motionless. 

The minutes passed.  I glanced at him in an attempt to get some sort of reaction, but all I noticed was his eyebrows pulling closer together, his chest lifting up and down with heavy breaths, and his jaw clenching tightly.  I knew he felt my eyes on him.  And I knew he saw my hand between us, waiting for him to take it.  Still, he stared straight ahead. 

Each moment that my reconciliation gesture continued to go unanswered, my hope slowly dissipated, until finally, it disappeared completely.  What we had was gone.  It would never be the same.

My head bowed down as my hand found its way back to my thigh.  As I attempted to gather my senses, an involuntary sniffle came from my nose.  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Logan turn his head towards me.  I turned to look out the window to hide my glossy eyes from him. 

It was late and the roads were free of other cars.  Empty.  I knew emptiness like an old hollow friend that I had pushed away years ago.  No matter how hard I tried, it always seemed to burrow its way back into my heart.  Logan was making the choice to let me go.

Dammit!

An unexpected warmth encompassed my hand and squeezed tight.  I looked down to see Logan’s strong hand on mine.  My gaze moved up his extended arm and to his wet, broken eyes.  How was it, that one single look from him could make everything else in the world go away?  The corners of his mouth turned up slightly in an attempt at a compassionate smile. 

“C’mere,” he said as he pulled on my hand.

A sob of relief escaped me, pushing a tear out, as I unbuckled my seat belt and nuzzled into him.  With my head on his chest, he swept my hair back with his fingers in a repetitive motion.

He let out a sigh.  “You’re making me crazy.  I can’t figure out how to get past the cluster-fuck in my mind when I’m around you.”  He seemed to be saying it to himself more than to me.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.  I didn’t know what else to say.

“Don’t be.  Don’t ever be sorry for the way you make me feel.”  He took a breath then rested his cheek on my head.  “If friends is what you need, I promise I’ll try.  For you, I’ll try.”

He held me silently for the rest of the ride home.  I began to think this might actually work out.  We might actually be able to salvage our friendship.

As we turned onto my street, my phone buzzed.  It was a text from Evan.

r u home?

I had no interest in responding.  As I put my phone back in my pocket, we pulled into my driveway.

“Oh, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Logan grumbled.

I looked up to see a Nissan Altima in my driveway and Evan on my balcony. 

Oh shit.

Evan and I had been spending time together every so often since we met.  Although neither one of us had any sort of romantic interest in each other, and even though he had a girlfriend far away in Denver, our relationship was not exactly platonic. 

My mind drifted to our last encounter about a week ago.  He had come over to watch a movie, and although the movie played in its entirety, our time was spent doing something other than watching it.

“Mmm,” Evan groaned as I straddled him on the couch and sucked on his earlobe.  I was fully clothed, but his shirt was off, revealing his muscular arms and chest.  My hands became magnets to his abdomen.  As my lips moved to his jawline and down his neck, my thumbs traced each valley of each muscle on his stomach, causing him to moan again.  “How far are we going to go today, Liv?”

Not sure what he meant by that, I stopped and looked him in the eyes. 

“I mean, I’ll respect whatever you want to do,” he breathed.  “But if we can’t take it any farther, we have to stop now.  Because if we don’t, I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop later.”

“Oh,” I said as I removed myself from his lap.  “Okay.”

I sat on the opposite end of the couch and tied my hair into a ponytail with the hair-tie from my wrist.  I took the popcorn bowl off the end table and began to crunch on the contents while I stared at the TV.  After he found his shirt and put it back on, I felt his eyes on me.  When I looked at him, he was shaking his head at me with a smirk.

I rolled my eyes.  “I’m not having sex with you.  You have a girlfriend.” 

But that wasn’t the only reason.  The truth was that I wasn’t going to give up my virginity to someone who didn’t really care about me, or for someone who I had no interest in.  Sure, Evan and I were friends, and he’d help me if I were ever in a bind, but he would never go out of his way for me.  And the feeling was mutual.  Maybe it was the bug thing, but I couldn’t see myself doing anything other than kissing with him.

“I told you, we have an open relationship.”  He explained for the thousandth time.  “I’ve talked about it with her, and she’s okay with it.”

“Okay, for one thing, that’s weird.  And secondly, that doesn’t change the fact that you do have a girlfriend.  And thirdly, I’m not going to be someone’s secret mistress.”  Without a care, I stuffed another bunch of popcorn into my mouth and focused on the movie.

“But you’re not a secret!”

I looked at him, grinning at how riled up he was getting.  He let out a defeated chuckle and shook his head at me again.  Then he put his coat on and came over to me, leaning his face into my neck.  The wetness of his tongue behind my ear tickled, and I let out a giggle.

“Whoever lands you is going to be one lucky bastard.”

I threw popcorn at him.  “Hey!  Be nice!”

He laughed as he walked toward the door.  “See ya later, Liv.”

Now Evan was here at my house, leaning on the railing of my balcony, waiting for me at the worst possible moment. 

“Let me take a guess at what he’s here for,” Logan said sarcastically.

“Logan, I had no idea he would be here.  I’m sorry.”

“You know what?” he said as he all but shoved me off of him.  “Go.  Enjoy yourself.  I guess as your
friend
, I’ll have to get used to this at some point.”

“I don’t want to.”

“You don’t want to what?  Go and have some fun?  Well, you can’t stay here in this cab all night.”

If I left this cab and went to Evan, it would put a barrier between Logan and me that could never be broken.  I couldn’t let that happen.  “Come with me.”

His confused face glared at me.  “I’m not sure what you want here, but I’m not into dudes.  Two girls is fine, but…”

“No!  Oh my God.  I’m not going to have any ‘fun’ with anybody.”  I used my fingers as quotations.  “Logan, come with me.  Stay with me tonight.  I’m going to tell Evan to leave.”

He stayed silent for a moment.  “What about your parents?”

“They won’t know.  I’ll lock my door.  You need someone to take you to get your car in the morning anyway.”

The cab driver grew impatient.  “Let’s go!  Clock is ticking!”

“Give us a minute!” Logan and I responded together.

Logan glanced out the window at Evan, then back at me.  “Liv, I want to.  Trust me, it’s all I want to do right now.  I just don’t think it’s a good idea.”

My heart stopped. 
Why?
  Maybe this was his way of keeping his distance.  Of not getting too close.  Of not confusing things more than they already are.  Then I realized he was right.  He was doing what was right for our friendship. 

“Okay," I whispered.  "I understand." 

His jaw clenched.  The conflict in his eyes was apparent.  He looked out at Evan again and shook his head slightly. 

I reached over and embraced him.  "Bye, Logan."

He didn't say anything when I let go of him, but his afflicted eyes stayed focused on me.  I looked down to break the stare and stepped out of the cab, into the cold, closing the door gently behind me. 

Evan had already climbed down from the balcony and stood waiting for me by the front door.  I heard the cab drive away as I approached him. 

“Evan, what are you doing here?” I asked.

He looked at me apprehensively.  “I see my timing sucks right now.  Sorry.”  He squinted at me.  “What happened to your face?”

I stepped past him and began to unlock the door.  “Nothing, I’m fine.  My parents will be home soon, so you can’t stay.” 

“I know.  Can I come in for a minute?  Just one minute.  There’s something I want to tell you.”

The anxiety in his voice caught me off guard.  He was normally so calm.  “Yeah.  Sure.  Come on in.”

After taking my coat off and downing two Tylenols with a full glass of water, I took a seat on the couch next to him.  It was then that I saw the dark circles under his eyes and the look of sadness in his face. 

“Are you okay, Evan?” I asked.

He turned to face me.  “My grandmother passed away today.”

“Holy shit, I’m so sorry.”  I immediately reached out and pulled him into a tight hug.  The tension he was holding relaxed almost instantly. 

“It’s okay.  It’s for the best,” he said as he released me.  “She’s been suffering for a long time.  She’s in a better place now.”  Seeing the quizzical look in my face, he continued, “She’s the reason I’m here Liv.  When I told you I was here helping my family, I meant her.  She’s been on hospice for months.  My mom couldn’t do it on her own, so I came back to help.  Now that she’s gone…”

“You’re leaving,” I finished. 

He looked at me and nodded.  “I just wanted to say goodbye.  Cassie’s flight arrives tomorrow morning.  She’ll be here until the funeral, then we’re going back to Denver together.  This was the only chance I had to see you.”  His expression turned nervous again.  “I know it’s shitty timing.  Did I fuck things up for you?  I saw Logan out in the cab.”

I shifted in my seat.  I wasn’t sure this was something I wanted to discuss with Evan.  “I don’t know.  Some crazy stuff happened tonight with us.  He told me things.”

He gave me a knowing look.  “He loves you, you know.  I can tell by the way he looks at you.  And not that I’m complaining because I’ve enjoyed every moment that I’ve spent with you, but I’ve always wondered why you weren’t with him.”

His statement surprised me.  “He’s my friend.  I’m not going to ruin that.”  This conversation was getting way too personal.  He nodded, appearing to want to say something else, but decided against it.  I stood up from the couch and smiled.  “I’m gonna miss you, Evan.  Take care, okay?”

He stood and took me by the waist, embracing me tightly.  “Take care, Liv.”

Chapter Seventeen

With my eyes wide open, I stared at my alarm clock.  An hour had passed since I came to bed, and I had grown frustrated that I couldn’t fall asleep.  All I could think about were the events of this night and the things that Logan said to me.  I heard the front door open downstairs.  Mom and Jeff were home from the pub.  After some clinking of dishes for their after-work snack and the sounds of the bathroom medicine cabinet opening and closing, all was silent again.  Still, my eyes stayed open. 

Another hour passed.  I pictured Logan at his apartment.  Was he able to fall asleep easily after everything that happened tonight?  The look of pain in his face when I left the cab to go to Evan caused a lump in my throat that wouldn’t go away.  I wondered what he thought happened between Evan and me tonight. 

After another half hour and not an ounce of sleepiness in my system, I sat up in my bed.  I needed to do something to stop this gut-wrenching, gnawing sensation in my stomach.  So I put my shoes and coat on, grabbed my keys, and walked out of my house. 

*

I hesitated before ringing the doorbell of Logan’s apartment.  What if he wasn’t alone?  What if he needed something, or someone, to take away whatever it was he was feeling?  I braced myself for what I might see and pushed the button.  A loud, irritating, buzzing noise resulted.