The Ghost and The Hacker (Dark Fire Book 3) (12 page)

I want to reassure him, but I'm not on the pill or anything.  So I do the math.

"It's probably not the right time..." I start.  I pull out both sets of fingers and start doing the math the long way to be sure.  "I mean, it's really not the exact right time..."

"Kill me now, Sarah.  I'm just going to keep fucking this up."  He rolls into the pillow at his side and acts like he's smothering himself.

I jump up and run into the bathroom to clean myself up the best I can.  "Don't kill yourself while I'm gone, Zach."

When I get back, he's pulling his jeans up.

"You're leaving?"

"The more I try to make things better, the more I fuck things up, Sarah."

"And the more you push me away, the more you break my heart.  You're staying because if you don't, I won't forgive you."  I don't want to pull out the big guns, but he looks so forlorn, so lost, that I know I'm losing him fast.

"I might be pregnant, Zach.  You walk out that door and you'll never know one way or the other.  You think you did a good job disappearing?  Try to find
me
.  I know how to delete my life from the internet.  You became a new person, but I won't
exist
anymore.  No amount of money in the world will be able to find me."

His eyes go wide and I watch him work out what I'm threatening him with.

"You're blackmailing me with my kid- a kid who might not even exist?"

"I'm reminding you that you just told me you love me.  I'm reminding you that I love
you
.  I'm telling you that if I'm a mom now, that takes precedence over making sure my baby daddy's ego doesn't take a hit, because guess what,
Pops
?  We all fuck up sometimes.  You think you're on a roll?  See what happens when you walk out that door."

I pull an oversized sleep shirt from a drawer and drop it over my head.  I see my panties on the floor and scoop them up.  There's a wet spot from how turned on I was, but I still pull them up my legs.  I drop into the desk chair and turn it so I'm facing Zach on the bed.

"I don't know what to do," he says, his eyes closed tight.  He sits on the end of the bed, his elbows balanced on his thighs, his hands clasped tight.  He's staring at the floor- or he would be if his eyes were open.

"You want to do the right thing by me?"

He nods but doesn't open his eyes.

"Then
ask
me.  Ask me what I need.  Do what you should have done when you were seventeen and talk to
me
.  I would have followed you anywhere, Zach.  I still will."

"Why, Sarah?" he whispers.  "Why would you follow me anywhere, especially now?"

I get up from the chair, which makes a noise alerting him and he looks up, watching as I sit down beside him.  The bed shifts a tiny bit.

"That's what loving you means to me.  It may not be easy, or comfortable, or even smart, but I'd follow you anywhere.  You're my future.  I'm yours.  We go together or not at all."

He pulls me into his lap, presses his lips to the top of my head and then lets out a really long breath.  We sit like that for precious, eternal minutes and I feel a kind of inner peace I haven't felt since I was sixteen.

"Is it wrong that I'm kind of hoping I got you knocked up?"

"What?" I screech softly.

"I figure I've got two, maybe three more screw-ups before you ditch me for good.  But if you're having my kid, that's kind of a lock.  I might even be able to convince you to marry me at some point down the road."

My lungs seize and I begin to shake.  I finally find enough air to speak.

"I kind of hope so, too," I admit into the silence.

Zach

"Can I bring a guest?" I ask as I finish scanning the invitation they just handed me.  I start flipping it around in my fingertips.

Nicki looks up from the list on the table in front of her and shoots her gaze at Griffin, who is sitting at her right.

"I don't know.  Can you?" he asked, raising a brow.

They know I moved into Nicki's, but they didn't know anything else.  They don't know that I moved right back into Cy's on Tuesday because I couldn't stand being so far from Sarah.

When I asked if she was okay with that, she told me she never wanted me to move anyway.  Then she smiled and thanked me for asking.  She smiled for the entire afternoon, so I figure I did something right.

"Why did I agree to this?" Nicki whines to Griffin.  I see her make a '+1' note next to my name on the guest list.

"Because your father casually brought up castration and this was how you changed the subject," Griffin says, wrapping his hand around her head and pulling her close so he can kiss her.

"Yes, but...  Next weekend?  Was I drugged when I thought
that
was a good idea?"

Griffin gets up from his chair and pulls her from hers.  She's in his arms and he's hauling her down the hall to Justin's spare room.  I can hear him reminding her that she only has to get the band's RSVPs - and none of us are going to miss it - and her aunt Elizabeth has the rest covered.  Before the door slams closed to the guest room, I hear him promise he's going to give her something that will take her mind off it.

I want to have my go-to reaction, which would normally be a feeling of being vaguely disturbed while simultaneously grossed out knowing that they're about to get some strange in the same room I usually crash in when I stay with Justin.  But the reaction never happens.  Instead, I think of Sarah and wonder how she's feeling.  If she's pregnant, would she be feeling sick yet?  Tired?

Andy's explained the healing power of her little white pills and I've personally seen her plow through enough food to feed Cy and me, plus leftovers.  Now I'm having a little freak out, but it's because I can picture Sarah trying to stab my hand with a fork the way Andy tried to when I first met her.  And it's
good.
  I'm looking forward to it
.

In fact, I'm actually, seriously, hoping Sarah's knocked up.

The very thought of which should have my head spinning with all the other ramifications.  How would I hide a pregnant Sarah?

Answer:  I wouldn't even try.

But then everyone will know.  They'll connect A to B and from there, it's only a matter of time until a cop shows up at my door - or worse, at a show - with a warrant for my arrest.  Why am I not running like my ass is on fire?

Answer:  I don't want to leave even to take out the trash.  I'd be too far from Sarah.

Shouldn't I be freaking out about how it will look for Dark Fire?

Answer:  I should be, but I just have this inner peace that tells me that my friends have my back.

I need privacy to make a phone call, but Justin's door is closed.  I never even saw either him or Andy disappear after our band practice, but I'm going to assume they're in there.  Griffin's holed up with Nicki now in the guest room, so that's out.  Cy left after rehearsal, accepting his invitation from Nicki on the way out the door with a murmured, "I'm in, of course," and then he was gone.

I close the door to the room Justin has set up for band practice- it's completely soundproof, so I know I'll have privacy for my conversation.  I walk to the window and call Juliana.

"Zach?" she answers.  There's no frills, just down to business.

"Hey Juliana.  I need you to call the lawyers for Dark Fire."

"Are you in jail?" she doesn't sound upset and I marvel at how she's calm despite my opening.

"No.  Nothing like that.  Something came up right before Will's wife got sick and I never got back to him about it," I say vaguely.

"You mean the warrant thing?"

She's known?  I stammer for a second, then confirm.  "Yeah."

"Oh.  Well...  I know Will was waiting to hear back from them about that, but I haven't gotten any messages yet.  I'll give them a call first chance I get, alright?"  I can hear her walking as she talks.  "Dylan, make a note for me?  Call Asplundh regarding Zach."  I'm guessing she's talking to her assistant as she walks.  "I'll have them call you, alright?"  I have to assume she's talking to me again.

Like I'm gonna say
no
?  "Thanks, Juliana."

I'm still standing in the music room when I look over at the keyboard.  It's still set up; we tend to leave our shit as-is in here.  I have a couple of keyboards: a small one in my room at Cy's for when the muse strikes, one here, and another I use for road shows.  When we travel internationally, it goes too since my keyboard is responsible for most of our special affects and the wide variety of musical instruments that get added in.  I can connect a computer to any of them for special affects, and when we record, sometimes we do it in here first, just to get an idea of how it will sound.

The conversation with Juliana rolls through my brain and I have to wonder what Will was discussing with Asplundh - whoeverthehell that is.  A lawyer?  The law firm in general?

I want to call Will and ask what he knows, but we all promised to leave him be.  So instead, I call the girl I want to take as my date to Griff and Nicki's reception.

"Hi baby," Sarah answers the phone.  My number is in her phone now.  I even have my own ringtone.  I set it myself.  It's the second chorus from Chicago's
Wishing You Were Here
.  I wanted her to know how I felt whenever I wasn't with her.  She said the same was true for her, so I put the same ringtone on my phone for her.

"Hey, Sare.  I was wondering what you're doing next weekend."  I sit down at the keyboard and start plunking out notes.

"I get the impression I'll be going somewhere with you," she says, sounding breathless.

"I hope so.  Are you okay with that?"

"Well, so long as it's not, like, the docks, you know?  For a wild evening of fish shopping?  Not my thing."

I laugh.  She still doesn't like fish.

"They say fish isn't safe for pregnant women anyway," I point out.

She waits a beat.  "I've heard."

"And I'm hoping..."

"I know."  I can hear the smile in her voice.

Despite how excited I am at the prospect, we haven't had sex since that afternoon, with or without protection.  I almost feel like we need to wait and see if she's pregnant, but I'm tired of being without her.

"It's a wedding reception," I explain.  "For Griffin Rupert."

"A wedding reception, but not a wedding?"

I chuckle.  "They're sort of already married.  Vegas.  But I guess her dad's got a stick up his ass about this, so- wedding reception next weekend.  Be my date?"

"Absolutely," she says.  I can picture her face.  Hopefully, she's smiling as she stares at her work computer.

"But..."  Her tone is scared.

"But what, Sare?"

"Will there be media there?  Anyone who might take my picture?"

I press my fingers to the bridge of my nose, but I still smile.  Sarah, my love, is still trying to protect me.

"It's private.  If it makes you feel better, we won't arrive together."

"I don't want to do that, though.  If you think we should arrive separately, then alright.  But it just feels
wrong
."

I switch hands with the phone and turn on the recording function of the keyboard.  I make some changes- the setting for grand piano, a little bit of peddle behind it...  I'm playing while I talk to her, recording the notes from the piano, not what I'm saying.

"It feels wrong to me, too.  We'll go together.  What about tonight?"

"Tonight?"

"Stay with me?"

"You mean in Cy's apartment?"  I hear her tuck the phone under her chin and answer a question from a distance.  She
is
at work and I recognize that she has to do her job.  I would have waited to call, but I needed to hear her voice.  I was wishing she was here, just like the song.

"Yeah."  She wouldn't even have to do the walk of shame from our apartment to hers.  She could just bring her stuff up with her.

"Like, for dinner?"  I can hear the real question in her voice.

"I miss you, Sarah.  Dinner, yeah, but I want you to stay with me."

I hear her sniff.

"I've been without you for too long, Sare.  Come with me?"  It's what she wanted me to ask her all along.  I'm too far gone for her not to ask now.

"Yeah."  She's laughing and sobbing quietly.  "Yeah, I'll come with you."

"No matter what?"  Will she stand beside me even if Dark Fire dies and - worst case scenario - I go to jail?

"Always with you," she cries.  "No, I'm fine.  I love this man," she says to someone I can't hear.

"I'll see you when you get home, then?"

"Yeah."

It takes forever to finally hang up.  I don't want to and neither does she, but she's at work and I need to respect that.  I'm still tapping away, recording as I go, when Justin comes in.  Andy's behind him, a drowsy look on her face.  She smiles at me and continues on past the door.

"Andy wanted a snack.  I'm gonna order something.  Do you want anything?" 
Translation: I'm ordering an entire meal for two.  Would you like a single appetizer?

"Thanks man, but I have to bail soon.  I have a date tonight."

"Night of Dreams?"

"I love her like you love Andy, dude."

Justin steps back, shocked, but I just smile and continue playing.

"You're recording?"

"Yeah.  Remember how you dedicated Earth Angel to Andy?  Think we could do something like that for Sarah?"

"We could do something like that for Sarah
this weekend
, man.  We have a show.  You could just say something vague like, 'This is for you, baby,' or something."  If we end up recording it, you can put it in the insert."

I get to the end of the section I was working on and hit save on the computer.

"It would be just me.  Is that okay?"  I start the violins I just recorded, then I begin playing and singing and Justin's grin just gets bigger and bigger.  He lets me get all the way through, then nods his head a little.