The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (22 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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“A Christmas tree?” queried the daughter.

“Yes, it’s dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.”

This old woman was in her attic with her cat (whom she loved very much) when she saw an old bottle. She started wiping the bottle and a genie appeared. The genie told her she would grant her three wishes. So the old woman wished to become a beautiful young woman and, POOF, she became a very beautiful young woman. Then she wished to have her house full of money from the floor to the ceiling and, POOF, her house filled up with money. Her last wish was for her beloved cat to become this gorgeous young hunk of a man, and, POOF, her cat became the biggest hunk she ever laid eyes on. She looked at the man and said, “I love you.”

The man replied, “I love you too, but now don’t you wish you hadn’t had me neutered?”

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, “I’m so pissed off!”

“What happened?” asked the bartender politely.

“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”

“Gee, that’s tough!” commiserated the bartender.

“Right, but that’s not what really got me aggravated,” the customer went on. “When her husband came into the room he said ‘Hey great! You’re naked already! Let me just take a leak.’ And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn’t piss out the window right onto my head.”

“Yuk!” The bartender shook his head. “No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”

“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really, really got to me.

Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!”

“Damn, that really is a drag!” said the bartender.

“Oh, I’m not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!”

The bartender paled. “That would sure mess up my day.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” the fellow rattled on, “but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!”

A man is standing at the urinal in a public bathroom quietly going about his business when the door flies open and a big black guy runs in, whips out his dick and, letting out a sigh of relief, stands next to him. The black guy smiles at him and says “Just made it!!”

The first man takes a look at the black man’s dick and says, “Shit! Could you make me one like that?”

Q. Why do so many gays have moustaches?

A. To hide the stretch marks.

A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath when one of them noticed that there was a response on the monitor whenever her crotch was touched.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, “Crazy as this sounds, but maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.”

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him they’d close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife’s room.

After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flatlined. No pulse, no heart rate, nothing. The nurses ran into the room.

The husband, who was standing beside his wife’s bed pulling up his pants, said, “Erm... I think she choked.”

Two southern and VERY rural sisters, Georgia and Loreen, were sitting on the porch in rocking chairs discussing Loreen’s recent trip to New York City.

Loreen says, “Sister, did you KNOW that in New York City there are women who kiss other women on the LIPS?!?!”

Georgia gasps and exclaims, “Oh, sister!!! What do they call them?”

“They call them lesbians,” Loreen replies and drawls out the last word. “And, sister, did you know that in New York City there are MEN who kiss other men on the lips?”

“Oh, sister,” says Georgia, fanning herself in a startled frenzy. “What do they call THEM?”

“They call them GAY,” Loreen says. “And, SISTER, did you KNOW that in New York City there are MEN who kiss WOMEN on their PRIVATE PARTS???” Loreen whispers the last part.

To this, Georgia turns as red as the clay beneath the house and nearly falls out of her chair as she exclaims, “OHHH, sister! What do they call them?!?!?”

Loreen smiles a secretive smile and proudly announces, “Well, I don’t know but when he looked up I called him Precious!”