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Authors: Rudy A. Swale

The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (9 page)

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A boy comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he’s got a big smile on his face.

She asks, “Did anything special happen at school today?”

“Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!”

The mother is stunned. “You’re going to talk about this with your father when he gets home.”

Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, “Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher.”

“That’s right, Dad.”

“Well, you became a man today—this is cause for celebration. Let’s head out for some ice cream, and then I’ll buy that new bike you’ve been asking for.”

“That sounds great, Dad, but can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me.”

Joe rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Let’s go to my apartment. I hear someone coming.”

He followed her into her flat. She closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off.

Now completely naked, she purred at him, “What would you say is my best feature?”

Flustered and embarrassed, Joe finally squeaked, “It’s got to be your ears!”

Astounded and a little hurt she asked, “My ears? Look at these breasts—they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin—no blemishes anywhere! How can you feel that the best part of my body is my ears?!”

Clearing his throat, Joe stammered, “Outside, when you said you heard someone coming?”

“Yes.”

“Well, that was me.”

Did you hear that Rosie O’Donnell has been busted for drug smuggling at Los Angeles International Airport?

Seems she bent over and someone saw 50 lbs. of crack.

A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

“Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?”

“Yes, they help me sleep at night.”

“Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!”

She reached out and patted the young doctor’s knee. “Yes, I know that. But every morning I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 18-year-old granddaughter drinks... And believe me, it helps me sleep at night.”

Larry is 95 and lives in an old folks’ home. Every night after dinner, Larry goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Florence, age 87, wanders into the garden.

They begin to chat and, before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Larry turns to Florence and asks, “Do you know what I miss most of all?”

She asks, “What?”

“SEX!!!”

Florence exclaims, “Why, you old fart, you couldn’t get it up if I paid you!”

“I know,” Larry says, “but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while.”

“Well, I can oblige,” says Florence, who gently unzips his pants, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they will sit and talk and Florence will hold Larry’s manhood. Then, one night, Larry didn’t show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Florence decided to find Larry and make sure that he was OK. She walked around the gardens and she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident holding his manhood!

Furious, Florence yelled, “You two-timing old creep! What does she have that I don’t have?”

Larry smiled happily and replied, “Parkinson’s disease!!”

A kid comes home from school and says, “Mom, I’ve got a problem.”

She says, “Tell me.”

He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn’t understand. She asks him what they are.

He says, “Well, pussy and bitch.”

She says, “Oh, that’s no big deal. Pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy.”

He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, “Dad, the boys at school are using words I don’t know, and I asked mom and I don’t think she told me their exact meaning.”

Dad says, “Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters; she can’t handle them. What are the words?”

He tells him, “Pussy and bitch.”

Dad says, “OK,” and pulls a
Playboy
down from the shelf. He takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, “Son, everything inside this circle is pussy.”

“OK, dad, so what’s a bitch?”

“Son,” he says, “everything outside that circle.”

Mario and Marie, a nice young couple, were getting married and were planning on living with Marie’s mother until they could establish a place of their own. On their wedding night, they went upstairs and were getting ready for bed. Mario started to get undressed, taking off his shirt first. He had hair all over his chest. Marie ran downstairs and told her mother.

“Mommy!! Mommy!! He’s got hair all over his chest!”

Her mother replied, “Marie, you go upstairs and make your mother proud.”

So Marie ran upstairs and found Mario taking off his pants. He was extremely hairy all over his legs. Marie ran down the steps to tell her mother.

“Mommy, he’s got hair all over his legs.”

“Marie, you go upstairs and make your mother proud.”

Marie ran upstairs and found her new husband sitting on the bed taking off his socks. Unfortunately, he had lost half of his foot in the war. Marie took one look, and ran downstairs.

“Mommy, Mommy! He’s only got a foot and a half!”

At this, her mother yelled, “Marie, you wait here. I’m going to go upstairs!”