The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (19 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty dollar bill tattooed on his dick.
The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick with a picture of a banknote?”
The man replied, “There are three reasons.
One, I love to play with my money.
Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.
Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”
Q. What’s the difference between a fridge and a blonde?
A. A fridge doesn’t fart when you take your meat out.
A guy is in the bar’s restroom taking a piss when the door opens. In walks a very large, very muscular guy. This guy proceeds to pull down his pants, revealing a monster prick.
To the man’s amazement, the muscular guy growls and slams his dick into the sink attached to the wall. It shatters, spraying pieces and water everywhere. Next, the muscular man growls louder and slams it into one of the stalls, making the entire thing collapse. Then he slams it into the wall of the room, knocking a very large hole into it.
The giant approaches the scared guy taking a piss.
“Hey, buddy, do you see this very large, very strong cock?” he asks.
“Yes,” replies the guy taking a leak.
“Do you know what I am going to do with this very large, very strong cock?”
“No, I’m afraid I don’t.”
“I’m going to shove it up your ass!”
“Jesus, that’s a relief. I thought you were going to hit me with it!”
A man who was to be investigated by the IRS asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
“Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper,” the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice.
“Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.”
Confused, the man told a friend of the conflicting advice, and asked him what he should do.
“Let me tell you a story,” replied his friend.
“A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night and was told ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.’
When she asked her best friend, she was told ‘Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel.’”
The man said, “What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?”
His friend replied, “No matter what you wear, you’re going to get screwed.”
A cop stops a guy leading a cow down the street.
He asks, “What are you doing with a cow in the middle of town?”
“I’m taking it home to keep it in my house.”
“What about all the flies and shit?”
“It will just have to get used to them.”
Q. What’s green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A. Kermit’s Finger.
There was a guy who worked at a dildo store, and it was his first day on the job. At about 12, the boss wanted to go out for lunch, so he said to the new guy, “I’m going out for lunch. I’m going to review the prices with you so that you won’t make a bad sale. Now this is our nine-inch white dildo. It’s $15.”
The new guy says, “Nine-inch white, $15. Got it.”
“This is the eleven-inch black dildo. It’s $25.”
“Eleven-inch black, $25. Got it.” So the boss leaves.
A few minutes later, a very elegantly dressed woman walks in. “How much is that dildo there?” she asks the guy.
“Ah, that’s our nine-inch white dildo, and it sells for $15.”
“What about that black one there?”
“That’s our eleven-inch black, it’s $25.”
“And how much for the plaid one over there?”
“Oh, that’s the twelve-inch tartan dildo. It’s...$50.”
The woman looks at the selection again and decides to buy the tartan one. The guy wraps it for her and she leaves.
A few minutes later, the boss comes back from lunch. “How’d you do?” he asks the guy.
“Oh, great! I got $50 for my thermos flask!”
There were these two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day, an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, “As a reward for being so patient through the hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most.”
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and the giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, “Um, you have fifteen minutes left. Would you care to do it again?”
He asks her, “Shall we?”
She eagerly replies, “Oh yes, let’s! But let’s change positions. This time, I’ll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head!”
Other books
The Shallows by Nicholas Carr
The Middle Age of Mrs Eliot by Angus Wilson
One Hundred Years of U.S. Navy Air Power by Smith, Douglas V.
The Heavens Shall Fall by Jerri Hines
Graham Ran Over A Reindeer by Sterling Rivers
Dawnbringer: A Forgotten Realms Novel by Henderson, Samantha
Charades by Janette Turner Hospital
Fell Purpose by Cynthia Harrod-Eagles
The History Mystery by Ana Maria Machado
Kerka's Book by Jan Bozarth