The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (28 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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The hooker says, “Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?”

“Damn!” the guy says in awe. “You own the whole city?”

“No,” the hooker replies, “but I would if I had a pussy.”

Two old guys walk into a brothel and ask the madam behind the counter for her two best whores. The madam thinks, I’m not giving these men my two best whores. So she asks someone to put two blow up dolls in two separate rooms. The men go in and do their thing.

They come out when they are done and one says to the other, “How was your whore?”

“Mine was the best I ever had. How about yours?”

“I think mine was a witch.”

“Why is that?” he asked.

“Well, I got to nibbling on her nipple and she let out a loud fart and flew out the window!!”

Back in the 1800s, a farmer and his daughter head into the market to sell that year’s crop so they can survive the winter. They sell everything and have plenty of money to make it through the winter. On the way back, the father notices a pack of robbers behind them. He breaks down because he knows that they are planning to take all of the money.

The daughter says, “Quick, Dad, give me the money!”

Moments later the robbers take everything they can. The father begins to cry and the daughter says, “It’s OK, Dad, I have the money still.”

He replies, “Where did you hide it?”

She says, “In my pussy.”

He replies, “Damn, if we had brought your mother we could have saved the horse and cart, too.”

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters. She turned around and scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word “penis” again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day’s lesson. Every morning for about a week she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, and each day the word was larger than the day before.

Finally, one day she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead found the words: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!”

A blonde and a brunette walk into a bar. As they sit down, the brunette notices a guy checking out the blonde. So the brunette decides to go and talk to this guy. She walks up to him and says, “I see you’ve been checking out my friend. You know, the blonde sitting over there. She’s pretty isn’t she?”

The guy responds, “Oh, man, she’s just gorgeous, absolutely beautiful.”

The brunette says, “Well, for $50 I can arrange for you to smell her crotch.”

The guy says, “Well, yes, of course!” He pulls out the money and hands it to her.

She takes it and breathes in his face.

Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water?

A. How am I suppose to get hard if I just got laid 10 minutes ago?

A young man had been dating his girlfriend for over a year, and so they decided to get married. His parents, family and friends helped him in every way. There was only one thing bothering him, very much indeed, and that one thing was his fiancée’s younger sister. She was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts and low-cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near him and he had many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day, little sister called and asked him to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when he got there. She whispered to him that soon he was to be married, but she had feelings and desires for him that she couldn’t overcome—and didn’t really want to overcome. She told him that she wanted to make love to him just once before he got married and committed his life to her sister. He was in total shock and couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me.”

He was stunned. He was frozen in shock as he watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at him. He stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. He opened the door and stepped out of the house. He walked straight towards his car. His future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged him and said,

“We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.