The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (29 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he’s driving a car.

The nurse asks him, “Charlie, what are you doing?”

Charlie replies, “Driving to Chicago!”

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie’s room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, “Well, Charlie, how are you doing?”

Charlie says, “I just got into Chicago.”

“Great,” replies the nurse.

The nurse leaves Charlie’s room and goes across the hall into Bob’s room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed, furiously masturbating.

Shocked, she asks, “Bob, what are you doing?”

Bob says, “I’m screwing Charlie’s wife while he’s in Chicago.”

A man picks up a hooker and takes her back to his room. She strips off all her clothes and all he does is stare at her.

“What, honey, is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?”

“No, it’s just the first one I’ve seen big enough to crawl back into!”

One night a man got drunk, walked home from the bar, passed out in bed right next to his wife and started dreaming. He dreamed that he went to heaven and was at the Pearly Gates and saw Saint Peter waiting there. He walked up and said, “Am I in heaven?”

Saint Peter replied, “Yes, you’re in heaven.”

The drunk man asked how he died and Saint Peter said, “Umm, hold on, wait a little while and I’ll get your records.” While he was waiting, the drunken man saw a blonde angel pass and asked if he could have sex with her.

Saint Peter said, “Yes, do it behind the cloud.” So he spent 30 minutes fucking the blonde and then she left. Shortly afterward, a brunette angel walked past him and he asked if he could have sex with her.

Saint Peter said, “Yes.” So once again the drunk went behind the cloud and spent 30 minutes having sex before the brunette angel left. The same thing happened a third time, only it was a redhead angel who had sex with the drunk man. After all that sex he had to shit so he asked Saint Peter,

“Can I use the bathroom?”

Saint Peter said, “Yes, go over the edge of the cloud.”

So he went over to the edge of the cloud and did what he had to do and wiped himself with a piece of cloud. Then he heard his name being called many times and wondered if Saint Peter had found out why he died. To his horror he woke with a start and realized it was actually his wife who was screaming his name.

She said, “You can fuck me three times and you can shit the bed, but there’s no way you’re going to wipe your ass with my pillow!!!”

To whom this may concern:

I have a serious issue. Do you mind me asking you a favor? Here’s my dilemma. I’ve been wanting this for a long time. I’ve been craving it for so long! I mean, the memories of it going in hard and coming out soft—it’s driving me insane! My tongue wrapped around it, licking up the juices. My mouth waters due to the strong urges. I can’t help moan at the thought of each bite, for the flavor is too great! I need it, can’t you see? So can you please help me? Well, now that I’ve chimed my heart out, here’s my question:

Can I have some gum?

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and tells the artist that she wants a tattoo of Santa Claus on her inner right thigh and a Thanksgiving turkey on her inner left thigh.

The artist says, “Ma’am, that’s kind of a strange request ... Might I ask why you want those particular tattoos there?”

“Well,” she says, “my husband’s always bitching that there’s nothing good in the house to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas, so I thought I would fix that!”

Q. What’s the difference between sin and shame?

A. It is a sin to put it in, but it’s a shame to pull it out.

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother, “Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their dicks?”

“Yes, dear,” replies her mother, pleased that the subject has finally come up and she won’t have to explain it to her daughter.

“But when a baby’s actually being born,” responded the teenager, “how does it get past your teeth?”

Q. How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?

A. Paint its balls red.

Q. How did Tarzan die?

A. Picking cherries.

Three generations of prostitutes are discussing current financial conditions of their industry. The youngest one says, “I can’t believe I only get $20 for a blow job.”

Her mother says, “Girl, when I was your age I could barely get $5 for a blow job.”

Grandma says, “When I was your age, we would give blow jobs for free just to have something warm in our stomach.”