The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (12 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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Q. Did you hear about the new paint called “Blonde” paint?

A. It’s not very bright, but it spreads easy.

Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed his parents’ room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, “Hey, Dad, what are you doing?”

The dad answered, “Playing Cards.”

Little Johnny asked, “Who’s your partner?”

The dad answered, “Your mom.”

Little Johnny then passed by his older sister’s room. Again, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his sister, “Hey, Sis, what are you doing?”

The sister answered, “Playing Cards.”

Little Johnny asked, “Who’s your partner?”

She answered, “My boyfriend.”

A little later, dad got up and went to the bathroom. As he passed Little Johnny’s room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his son, “What are you doing?”

Little Johnny answered, “Playing Cards.”

Dad asked, “Really? Who’s your partner?”

Little Johnny answered, “You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand!”

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman’s face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin. However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks.

The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just raved about her youthful beauty!

She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for what he had done. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!”

He replied, “Oh don’t worry, Honey, I get plenty of thanks every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!”

Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?

A. Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.

A guy takes his wife to the Doctor. The Doc says, “Well, it’s either Alzheimer’s disease or AIDS.”

“What do you mean?” the guy says. “You can’t tell the difference?”

“Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages. Tell you what, drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don’t fuck her.”

A penguin takes his car to a mechanic because there is a funny noise coming from under the hood.

“Leave it with me,” says the mechanic. “Come back in 20 minutes.”

So, off goes the penguin. It’s a pretty hot day and he’s a cool weather kind of guy so on spotting an ice cream van he goes and buys himself a 99. Now, penguins aren’t very good at eating ice creams—the lack of opposable thumbs makes it tricky. So by the time the penguin has finished his 99, he is completely covered in ice cream. It is all over his beak and all over his flippers. Feeling a little sticky, he goes back to the garage.

“Oh, hello,” says the mechanic, wiping his hands on a cloth.

“Hello,” replies the penguin. “Was it anything serious?”

“Not really, but it looks like you’ve blown a seal.”

“Oh no, no, no!” says the penguin, wiping his mouth. “It’s just ice cream.”

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parents’ bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway muttering to himself, “And she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb.”