The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (38 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

The old man replied, “No problem at all, Priest.”

“Congratulations! Welcome to the church!” said the priest.

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

The middle-aged man replied, “The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it.”

“Congratulations! Welcome to the church,” said the priest.

The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?”

“No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man replied sadly.

“What happened?” inquired the priest.

“My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it,” said the young man. “When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.”

“You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,” stated the priest.

“We know,” said the young man. “We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either.”

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve got this great rooster named Randy. He’ll service every chicken you’ve got. No problem.”

Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’ll be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the farmyard, giving the rooster a pep talk.

“Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I’ll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer says with a chuckle.

Randy seems to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy takes off like a shot—WHAM—he nails every hen in there THREE or FOUR times, and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake—WHAM—he gets all the geese. Randy’s up in the pigpen. He’s in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a dodo in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down. Now look what you’ve done to yourself.”

Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and says, “Shhh. They’re getting closer...”

Q. What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

A. Oral sex makes your day; anal sex makes your hole weak.

Jack is one horny guy. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a $10 bill. He walks down the street to the local brothel and knocks on the door. The madam opens the door and invites Jack in.

“I’m really horny but I only have a $10 bill. What can you do for me?” Jack asks the madam.

She looks over this fellow and tells him, “Don’t worry, we can take care of you. No problem.”

She leads Jack into a room, and there is a chicken in the corner. Jack thinks about this a second and figures it can’t be that bad. He gives the madam the $10 note, and she closes the door behind her.

Jack undresses and has the time of his life. When he’s done, he can’t remember when he has had such a pleasurable experience.

One week later, and horny again, Jack has saved up $20. Being a satisfied customer he goes back to the same madam and asks what she can do for him for $20.

“Well, for $20 we have a special show,” the madam replies.

She leads him into a different room where there are several other people sitting on benches.

“Sit back and enjoy the show, Jack,” the madam tells him.

Jack gives the money to the madam and takes a seat. Soon after, the lights dim and the blinds open revealing another room on the other side of a two way mirror where two women begin to undress each other.

Jack is very impressed. Clearly these women are unaware anyone is watching as they begin to make love to each other passionately. Apparently there is nothing they won’t do to each other. Jack once again feels like he is getting his money’s worth.

He turns to the person beside him and says, “This is a pretty good show for twenty bucks, eh?!”

The guy turns to Jack and says, “This is nothing...last week we saw a man screw a chicken.”

A lady called her gynecologist and asked for an “emergency” appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came in and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.

So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. “I’m sorry, Miss,” he said, “but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy, delicate and expensive surgical operation.”

“I’m not sure I can afford it,” sighed the young woman. “But while I am here could you just replace the batteries?”

Three friends—two straight guys and a gay guy—and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship. Everyone drowned, and soon they were standing before St. Peter.

First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly, and said, “I can’t let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny.”

Next in line was the second straight guy and his wife. “Sorry, I can’t let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!”

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, “It doesn’t look good, Dick.”