The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (33 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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Q. What is foreplay for a blonde?

A. Thirty minutes of begging.

A social misfit walks into his local bar with a big grin on his face.

“What are you so happy about?” asks the bartender.

“Well, I’ll tell you,” replies the ugly guy. “You know I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies.

I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!”

“Fantastic,” exclaimed the bartender. “You lucky dog. Was she pretty?”

“I don’t know. I never found her head.”

One morning while making breakfast, a husband walked up to his wife, pinched her butt and said, “If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose.”

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, “You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.”

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his privates.

With a death grip in place, she said, “You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother!”

There was a man who enjoyed his sex life a lot, but sometimes had problems getting it up, so he went to see his doctor. His doctor said that to help it stay up he needed to masturbate a couple of hours before sex.

The man agreed but couldn’t think of any good places to do this. He thought of the bathroom, but realized he may be heard. He thought of his office, but someone may walk in.

As he was driving home he thought of the perfect place. He pulled his car onto the side of the road, got out and lay down underneath the car. Pleased with the comfort and discretion, he shut his eyes and started to masturbate picturing his wife.

After about ten minutes, a policeman came and asked him what he was doing. His eyes still closed and masturbating he replied, “Erm, just checking everything’s OK.”

“Yeah, OK. Well while you’re down there, you might want to check the brakes because your car rolled down the hill five minutes ago!”

There were two grannies sitting at bingo when one looked at the other and said, “Did you come on the bus?”

The other answered, “Well, yes I did actually, but I didn’t think anyone heard me!”

A girl named Jane is in line to go to heaven and while she’s at the Pearly Gates talking to St. Peter, she hears a drill and then a scream.

She asks, “What’s that?”

St. Peter replies, “Oh, that’s just an angel getting her halo fitted.”

The woman thinks about it and then starts to talk to him again. Then she hears another scream and asks, “What’s that?”

St. Peter smiles and says, “That’s just an angel getting her wings fitted.”

She says, “Fuck this, I’m going to Hell!”

St. Peter says, “But they rape you and sodomize you there.”

She just smiles and says, “At least I have the holes for that.”

Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?

A. A cherry float.

A man goes to a brothel. He selects a girl, pays her $200 up front, and gets undressed. She’s about to take off her sheer blue negligee when the fire alarm rings!

She runs out of the room with his $200 still in her hand. He quickly grabs his clothes and runs out after her. He’s searching the building, but the smoke gets too heavy, so he runs outside looking for her.

By this time the firemen are there. He sees one of them and asks, “Did you see a beautiful blonde in a sheer blue negligee with $200 in her hand?”

The fireman says, “No!”

The man then says, “Well if you see her, screw her. It’s paid for.”