The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (81 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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That night she gave him one and they had a decent night of sex. The next night she decided to try four pills and she had even better sex. Well, the next night she tried eight pills and the sex was wonderful. So the next night she decided to dump the whole bottle in his dinner.

The next day her son showed up at the doctor’s office and and said, “Doctor, Doctor, what did you do to my Daddy? My mom’s dead, my sister’s pregnant, my butt hurts, and my dad’s going around saying, ‘Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!’”

There was a papa mole, a mamma mole and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, “Mmmm, I smell sausage!”

Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, “Mmmm, I smell pancakes!”

Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn’t because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, “The only thing I smell is molasses.”

Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jones’s wife died the same day that Joe’s rowboat filled with water and sank.

A few days later, a kind old lady met Joe and, mistaking him for John, said, “Oh, Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss. You must feel terrible.”

Joe smiled and said, “Well, I am not a bit sorry—she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she leaked water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so bad I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like a faucet. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them that she wasn’t so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was that the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once, and it was too much for her! She cracked right up the middle.”

Before he could finish, the old lady fainted!

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually, his turn came.

Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well, the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.

“It’s a period,” reported Johnny.

“Well, I can see that,” she said. “But what is so exciting about a period?”

“Damned if I know,” said Johnny. “But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then daddy had a heart attack, mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.”

Q. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?

A. Fur traders.

A guy was playing golf and a golf ball hit him in the balls and he passed out. His friends took him to the doctor.

The man asked him, “Well, what do you think, Doc?”

The doctor replied, “We’re going to have to put in a support for about a week.” He then took four tongue depressors and tied them all together with string.

The man’s face looked disappointed. He told the doctor, “But tonight my girlfriend and I are going to have sex for the first time.”

The doctor replied, “You’re going to have to bear with it.”

Later that night, the man and his girlfriend were alone. She took off her shirt and grabbed her breasts, “No one has ever seen these before.”

The man pulled out his cock and said, “Well, mine’s still in the crate!”

A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day, a second man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. “Now we will be able to have three people doing eight-hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts.”

The newcomer is only too happy to help, and in fact, volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper.

The second man yells down, “Hey, no screwing!”

They yell back, “We’re not screwing!”

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, “Hey, no screwing!”

Again they yell back, “We’re not screwing!”

Later, they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again, the second man yells down, “Hey, I said no screwing!”

They yell back, “We’re not screwing!”

Eventually, the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He’s not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, “Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they’re screwing.”