The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (45 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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Q. What’s the definition of a Yankee?

A. Same thing as a “quickie,” only you do it yourself.

Anagrams

Mel Gibson—Big melons

Gloria Estefan—Large fat noise

Martina Navratilova—Variant rival to a man

Gabriela Sabatini—Insatiable airbag

Irritable Bowel Syndrome—O my terrible drains below

Evangelist—Evil’s Agent

Desperation—A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code—Here Come Dots

Mother-in-law—Woman Hitler

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself: television, ice cream, homework, and video games, but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.

The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and go home. At this point, the boy’s uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed. For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions.

After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny’s uncle, “What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven’t heard a peep from him all day!”

“Not much,” the boy’s uncle replied. “I just showed him how to masturbate.”

Going fishing is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First, you clean and inspect your tackle, then carefully pull back your rod cover and remove any dirt or grunge that may have built up while not in use. Then you extend your rod to its full length and check that there are no kinks or any wear, particularly at the base where the grip is usually applied.

Make sure you’ve got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there’s plenty of weight in your sack.

Q. How many yuppies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. None, yuppies only do it in jacuzzis.

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local bars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by a woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called “Beer.”

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large “kegs.” Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him to come home with her for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific-looking women who they would never normally be attracted to. After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that “something bad” occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life’s savings, in a familiar scam known as “a relationship.” In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as “marriage.” Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this “Beer” scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up “Golf Courses” in the phone book.

Q. What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?

A. Her ankles.

Three Englishmen are out drinking one night and decide to pick a fight. They stagger through town looking for a victim, until they come across an Irishman sitting alone in a pub.

“Watch this,” says the first Englishman, heading over to the guy. “I hear that St. Patrick was a fag.”

“Really?” says the Irishman, calmly continuing to drink.

With that the second English guy decides to join in, “Yeah, and he was a pervert, too.”

“Is that so?” the still calm Irishman responds.

Determined to rouse him, the third Englishman staggers up and slurs, “Hey, did you know St. Patrick was really an Englishman?”

The Irish guy casually looks up and says, “Yeah, so your friends were telling me.”

A very attractive blonde arrives at a casino and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.

“I hope you don’t mind,” she says, “but I feel much luckier when I am completely naked.”

With that, she strips from the neck down, rolls the dice and yells out, “Yes! I’ve won! I’ve won!” She jumps up and down, hugs each of the dealers, scoops up all the chips on the table as well as her clothes and then quickly departs.

The dealers stare at each other utterly dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asks, “So, what did she roll?”

“No idea,” replies the other. “I thought you were watching the dice.”